I've been on my the same the medication for a little over three years for my bipolar disorder. I know all of the side effects of it since I made sure to read up on it when I first started taking it. I'm very suspicious of medications, let alone ones that will directly effect my brain chemistry.
It took a while to get me up to the dosage I'm on now. I'm on 225 milligrams currently. For a while I was actually on a second medication. But it wasn't doing me any good and was expensive so I asked my shrink to take me off of it. He agreed. There was also a period of time where he had bumped me up to 300 milligrams but we backed back down to 225 milligrams because for some reason kicking me up to the 300 caused me to have severe double vision and I basically acted drunk until I went to bed. I take my medication at night, so it was only for a couple of hours but still.
Since then I haven't noticed any side effects. Until today. Today I was having bursts of images that were... disturbing. They were on and off again. When it first happened I just pushed it aside as a what the fuck moment. But it happened again. And again. The third time did it. I sent Master a message to let Him know what was going on.
I didn't hear back from Him right away so I figured He was busy, in the shower, or outside of the apartment. Right after that was my lunch break so I called my mom. I told her what was going on and she told me to call my shrink. So I did.
I got the receptionist and she said that she would pass the message along to him. Well, of course by that point I had to go back in so I left her my work phone number.
It would figure that he called me back while I was in the damn copy room. When I listened to the voice mail he told me he wasn't in the office and that he would try to call again in the next two hours. He didn't leave a return number.
I had called the house and got a hold of Master by that point and told Him what was going on. Apparently, for whatever reason, He didn't get my prior message. He told me to keep Him updated.
Finally my shrink called again and I was able to catch the phone call. I told him what was going on. Basically, the images bursting randomly through my mind's eye were of me hurting myself. Borderline suicidal images. I would concentrate to make them stop and they would but they would burst back through a little later on. They were vivid. He asked me if I felt an impulse to act on them. I answered honestly that no I did not but they were still very bothersome. He told me that I have an appointment with him next Friday and since I don't have an impulse to act upon these images it wasn't an emergency.
He said there really wasn't anything he could do until I saw him. But he didn't want me to come in until next Friday.
I told Master all of this and He is more than a little pissed off about it. He feels that if a patient is having those kind of vivid images a shrink should take that more seriously instead of pushing it off for a week.
I guess while I was still at work my mom called Master and spoke with Him telling Him not to leave me alone just in case. I'm not depressed. I don't want to act on the images in my head but of course they both still worry and don't want that one moment to come by where all of a sudden I may decide those images make sense and basically sound like a "good idea".
But the fact that I'm not depressed, or even close to it for that matter, is what is really confusing me. But suicidal thoughts/images are a side effect of my meds. Which is why when the shrink told me to up it back up to 300 milligrams until I see him next week surprised me. Okay.. so this is a side effect I'm having and you want me to take more of it? But it made sense to Master. Basically maybe ramping it up will cause the chemistry in my system to knock those out.
I am not looking forward to the drunk/double vision bullshit. But apparently I'm going to have to deal with it for the next week. I'll just be taking my meds closer to my actual bed time. Master wants me to take them a half hour before I go to sleep.
The bursts of images haven't hit me since the ride home from work. Hopefully they'll stay away.
The other really weird thing is that I'm actually in a pretty good mood right now. What the fuck brain?
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