I just saw my shrink two Fridays ago and everything was fine after he upped my medication dosage. No more images after that. Then it happens again today. Not as "bad" like I said but still disturbing. I wanted to cry because I don't understand why they came back. So I called Master and told Him. I couldn't really go into detail because I was on my work phone. He understood what I was saying though and I told Him that I already called my doctor but he wasn't available for my call. They told me he would call me back.
So I went on lunch and talked to my mom for a while. She told me it would be okay, just like Master did. Master and my mom, when it comes to me and my health, make one hell of a tag team, let me tell ya. It's really nice to know that I have that kind of support system. Don't get me wrong, it doesn't take something like this to show me that I have this support system. I have always known that. My mom did suggest to me that I leave work a little early and go home, where I feel safe. Master agreed. So I decided I would leave work one hour early. I know it doesn't sound like a lot but it's all I could really afford to take.
Well, by the time I got back from lunch my doctor still hadn't called me back. I called his office again and again he was not available but he had been told about my phone call and would call me back when he could. Around 3pm he called me back. I told him what was going on and he said that he was glad they weren't as bad but he believes that it is because the upped dosage hasn't had time to fully build up in my system yet. This kind of medication has be built up in the system for a while in order to take effect. He said it could take up to a month to a month and a half. He did tell me that since the images aren't as "extreme" this time it was a good sign.
So for now all I am to do is to keep taking the upped dosage of my medication so that it has more time to build up in my system.
When I got home I told Master about it and then called my mother and told her. They were both in agreement that what my shrink had said made sense and was the best course of action. I feel better knowing that.
My mom did tell me that she thinks some of it is due to my extreme stress at work. Not to mention my worrying about what happens if I were to lose my job. She told me that if they really want me gone, they will look for any reason and no matter what I do it'll happen. So why should I stress about something I have no control over? They company is starting to fail and they know that. So they are trying to thin out the employees and since I've been with them for 4 1/2 years I am making more than most of the people in my department, even though I honestly do not make a lot.
She is basically trying to make me realize that I can't control it and so all I can do is what I can do. Other than that just keep applying to other jobs, which I have been.
I know part of it is my working myself up and my system is having problems coping with it. And as a result, maybe that's part of why the images come. Obviously my medication dosage is/was a part of it. But medication is not a cure all. And these are very, very new experiences so the tie in cannot be ignored.
I have felt better since I got home and had longer talks with both my Master and my mother. I don't know what I would do without them.
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