Clean Up Pretty Nice

Normally at my job we have an extremely relaxed dress code. We wear jeans and t-shirts basically. Well, today and tomorrow we have clients coming through the building so we have to dress in professional attire. No big deal. Thankfully I actually have some now thanks to my mother. She had originally bought them for me in order for me to go on job interviews. Well, the job hunt is on hold for right now. Either way though, I have some really nice professional clothing. So that came in handy today and will again tomorrow. It was rather odd, honestly, getting dressed this morning. Thankfully I picked out my outfit last night before I went to bed, so I wouldn't have to fumble around in the closet and possibly wake up Master. It was just so weird.

But I do have to say that I clean up rather nicely. You know, when I'm dressed regularly, you see my ink and what not and most people judge me immediately. Some people think I'm some punk "kid". I say kid because some people still think I'm in my early 20's. I'm 29, and no that's not old, but still. For an example I was down by my mother's not that long ago and we were bumming around. Mom ran into a woman she knows and they talked for a little bit. It was a quick, "Hi, how are you?" kind of thing. I held back and just as quickly as it started the conversation was finished. My mom told me yesterday that she ran into that same person today. That lady had asked who I was. My mom of course explained that I'm her daughter. The lady asked how old I was (odd question) and Mom told her. Her response? "She doesn't look a day over 20."

I'm not saying that's a bad thing, I'm just explaining that some people still think that I'm just out of high school when they see me.

But when I'm dressed nice I look like a totally different person. At least to me.

You can't see my ink or anything. It's just weird to see myself in dress pants and a nice top.

Master kind of gave me shit about it today when I got home. He was outside talking to some neighbors and came to meet me on the sidewalk as I walked up. He poked fun at me a little bit.

The one thing that really sucks about having to dress nice right now is that it's hot out. And because I can't wear short sleeve shirts I was roasting at my cubicle because they couldn't figure out the damn air conditioning. It was hot the first three hours. Then it was cold for two hours. Then it went right back to being hot in there. Fucking hell.

Frisky

I remembered something yesterday while Master and I were going through our mostly lazy day. I had forgotten how frisky Master gets after we have anal sex. Don't get me wrong, He loves coping feels and smacking me on the ass, etc. It's not like He doesn't do such things normally, but there is a definite upswing. It just becomes more apparent I guess. And apparently, now that I have realized how intense an orgasm can be during anal sex I stepped it up a notch as well.

For most of the day we were making small little comments, kind of like flirting but dirtier. He would slap me on the ass, I would grab His crotch, etc. At one point I was in the kitchen wearing one of His long sleeve jean shirts because I was chilled. I was standing at the counter grabbing something from one of the shelves. He came up behind me, grabbed my hips and rubbed His crotch against my ass. I giggled and pushed back.

Like I said, we can be like that normally but yesterday there was quite a bit more of it than usual.

He took me to the bedroom about mid afternoon. The sex was fucking amazing. We relaxed and joked around in the living room after that. As the night went on, after I had taken my medication, I started to wind down a bit. I was starting to get a little sleepy and was about to doze off on the couch. After all I had to get up to go to work in the morning, so I figured sleeping earlier than usual was okay.

Master had other plans. *smirks* He told me He was going to tuck me in. I protested a little bit until it finally dawned on me that He wasn't saying I had to go to bed right away. I know, I said I was tired and winding down but I wanted to stay by Him in the living room if I was going to sleep. So when He first said tuck me in I protested because I wanted to be by Him. But hey, fucking is better!

He was quite rough with me. My ass was of course still sore but in a way that it was more like a nice reminder rather than an "ow... ow....ow.." That lube works wonders!

After allowing me to cum several times He put me on my stomach and pinned my arms down while hooking His legs under mine so I literally couldn't move. This position means one thing and one thing only, I will not be getting off any longer. It may sound weird that we have a position like that, but we do.

He refers to this position as Him using me as a masturbation toy. As He was fucking me hard, deep and unforgiving He told me that He was going to use me to masturbate to the thought of one day fucking my ass (literally) while in that position. That made me both nervous and excited at the same time. Nervous because I have a feeling that is going to take some getting used to and I'm not sure how my body is going to react the first time and excited because I'm already in toy mode in that position so add anal to the mix and yeah, deep sub space to say the least. I become really, really submissive before, during and after anal sex. I'm not sure why. I have a feeling it has something to do with it being a completely different sort of intimacy and also it is a service I know He absolutely loves and desires. To me it is one of the most ultimate forms of submission. I sometimes wonder if He do views that in the same light I do. I've never really asked.

But as He's fucking me and growling such things in my ear I'm mentally getting off on it. (I would be literally getting off I was allowed to... but that as well is something that mentally gets me off..) As a result I start talking dirty to Him as well. It's not that I don't ever do that but it is somewhat of a rariety beyond the "Master" ... "Please Daddy"... "Oh my God!"

So I started telling Him how I loved the feeling of His thick cock stretching my tight asshole. I told Him how much I had enjoyed it. That threw Him over the edge and He came inside my pussy and laid on top of me for a little while.

I was then actually tucked in and told to go to bed.

Thoughts of this weekend and the different intensities of the sex we had ran through my head all day. It's a great thing to have running through your mind while you're stuck at work.

Training? What Training?

A while back I did a post about how we were going to start my anal training once again. I also mentioned that we had bought a new lube. Well, tonight while watching porn with Master I said that we should probably start on my training again. We have been doing some things, but not anything larger than a small anal toy. And even then it wasn't for long and not frequent at all. Part of that is because Master wants me to bring it up so I can be more relaxed about it. I've posted about how I get nervous about it. Of course this porn had a lot of anal sex in it, which is what kicked off that whole thought process. He agreed that yes, we should start my anal training again. So a little after we finished watching the porn we headed off to the bedroom.

Master started by getting me really worked up by sucking and licking my nipples. He then knelt up and fingered my pussy while I stroked His cock. He asked me if I wanted Him to eat me out and I of course said yes. That man knows how to use His mouth, let me tell ya.

As He was licking my clit and fingering my pussy I asked Him to finger my ass. He did and when I got off it felt amazing. It was a very intense orgasm.

He had me suck His cock for a while and when He pulled me up I knelt in front of Him and asked if we could try anal. I think this took Him by surprise as I had mentioned training and here I am asking for Him to try and shove His thick cock up my ass.

This isn't me gloating. Seriously, His cock is very thick.

He said we could try. I think I asked if He would be mad if we had to stop about three times. He said that we would try and if I couldn't no big deal. He bent me over and fucked my pussy for a little while first. That always seems to help.

Then He grabbed the Maximus lube, which is the new lube we bought. He lubed Himself up and applied some to me as well. I was on my knees, holding myself up with my hands and my back was arched. Initially it hurt. I won't lie. But it wasn't overly painful. It wasn't a get the hell away from me kind of pain.

I simply asked Him to apply more lube. He did and I played with my clit while He slowly worked His cock into me. I grabbed the lube bottle without saying a word, put some on my hand and reached back so I could rub some more on the underside of His cock. As soon as I did that I was able to relax a bit more.

I then slowly lowered my head and shoulders to the mattress, keeping my ass in the air as He continued to fuck it. I always seem to shake a little when He's fucking me in the ass. But I took a few deep breathes and stopped playing with my clit. If I always have to play with my clit in order to "stand" the sensation then the training isn't going to go anywhere. Yes, I know, Him fucking me in the ass isn't really training. But I still saw it as such.

Once I stopped playing with my clit I had to focus on staying relaxed. It didn't take long before I really started getting into it. The concentrating seemed to be helping a lot. And then, as if a light switch was flipped I really, really started to enjoy it. I was about to get off, and get off hard. I knew I needed permission to cum so I quickly squeaked out a "Please Master!" He told me I could cum and that's all it took. It was a very different and very fucking intense orgasm. The orgasm didn't stop it just seemed to roll into the next one.

As the second orgasm peaked I felt Master cumming as well. This only heightened all of the sensations that were already lighting up my nervous system.

I asked Him to slowly pull out. We both got cleaned up and we were both shaky. I know His orgasm was as incredibly intense as mine were.

 We went into the living room and we were both still in a daze. As we were coming down from the amazing body buzz He said, "I am so fucking proud of you!"

That made me smile from one ear to the other. I had done it. Not only did I have His cock in my ass but I had my first ever anal only orgasm.

I've cum during anal sex before but it's only been when I'm playing with my clit enough to get off. But not this time. The only thing that triggered my orgasm was Him fucking me in the ass.

I told Him that the only reason I wanted to actually just go ahead and try it is because I felt so relaxed while He was fingering my ass. So I wanted to see if I could.

I'm still shaky as hell. Master and I agree though that the new lube helped a lot. It wasn't sticky and didn't seem to "wear off". It was great!

I know, some of you who have anal sex a lot are probably reading this like it's no big deal. But trust me, to me it is. Especially the anal only orgasm.

I'm also not as sore as I thought I would be. I mean, I'm sore as hell don't get me wrong, but it's not a "Dear God why the hell did I do that?!" kind of pain. I feel great actually. Finally, I was able to please Master in that way, which is something I haven't been able to do in quite some time. I want to keep working at it though so it can become something we do more frequently. Now that I felt how that kind of orgasm felt I'm hoping I can reach that again. I know Master won't mind trying. *smirks*

P.S. - I really hope this post makes sense. *laughs* I'm am really out of it right now.

Short List

There is a lot of shit going down right now. What kind of shit? Shit I won't talk about here. Master and I are fine. It's just... family related. Everyone is fine... it's just... annoying and stressful. I'll leave it at that.

It's times like these though where you find out how much you can actually rely on people. And I mean that in a good way. This situation is going to be ongoing. So I know that I'll be leaning on Master quite a bit. But thankfully He can handle that. He gets very protective and part of that protection is being able to hold both Himself and, if need be, He can hold me up.

Have you ever heard anyone say, "I wouldn't know what to do without you?" or "I'd go crazy without you?"

Yeah, those two sentences are very, very true when it comes to Master and I. We both know that when shit goes south we have the other one right there going through it with you, step by step. We have proven that time and time again.

This may sound horrible or it may sound good, I'm not sure which. But there are a total of four people, four very essential people, that keep me sane. Master is obviously one of them.

I know I'm being vague as hell and honestly I can't think of a lot I can actually write about regarding this particular subject.

So why bother posting about it?

Because in a very small way, it helped me get some of this off my chest. Also, just seeing those words: "four very essential people" is something that has been running through my head all day.

It doesn't sound like a lot of people. But when you sit down and try and think about who you know, without a shadow of doubt, that will be there when you need them and that they will know exactly how to help and can keep you going, that list shortens up rather quickly.

I consider myself lucky that my list is as long as it is. Some people have less and some don't have anyone like that at all.

Permanent Markings

One thing I've noticed about blogging every other day rather than blogging every day is that I have time to kind of think about my posts. I mean, obviously I have time every day. But when it was an every day occurrence it was just mainly day to day stuff or things that happened on the weekends that my mind seems to focus on. But lately I've had some deeper thoughts and I'm trying to focus more on Master and I rather than focusing on the other shit. I prefer it this way. As I've said I can post every day if I want to. But I am required to write every other day. I've also noticed that my posts seem to be longer as well. I think it's because I have more time to brain storm and I don't feel like, "Ugh. What the hell do I write about tonight?!"

The reason why that thought ran through my head is because yesterday and today I had my last post swimming around in my brain on and off. I was saying how symbols of my submission to Him are important. I had also rambled on about the fact that I miss Him being able to yank me around by my collar.

I have markings that I cannot take off. I was saying how my wedding ring will never be off my finger. Well, aside from the small stuff like putting lotion on my hands or things of that nature. You know, normal shit.

The markings I am talking about are related to body modification. There are two tattoos that I have that directly relate to Master. I don't have His name or initials tattooed on me. We had toyed with the idea of having His initials done in a stylized way. I already know the design I want. It's kind of looks like a brand. I know where I would put it too. I don't have a lot of room left but I need to do keep it so I can cover it with short sleeves. As a result I think on the back of my neck would be perfect. I have thick hair and I hardly wear my hair up. And when I do, it's not at work. So my hair would keep it covered. My hair is finally getting longer. It's just past the tips of my shoulder blades, which is damn near the middle of my back.

Little side jump: Master doesn't want me cutting my hair short again. He likes it but He prefers my hair long. I don't know if I had already mentioned that or not. But if not, now I have.

Like I said, my hair would cover the back of the neck tattoo. Master seems to like the idea for a little while and then goes back to not being sure. It's not like He thinks it's a horrible idea or doesn't like the idea of me having His initials, it's simply because He's not sure if He'd like the look of it. He does like the design and the placement makes sense to Him though. He's just see-sawing with the idea. Until He's sure I'm obviously not going to start saving up for it though. That just wouldn't make sense and I would get excited about it only for Him to possibly change His mind. That would suck.

The funny thing is, if I got His initials done it would be my thirteenth tattoo. That honestly just struck me and I found it amusing.

However, as I've said, I do have two tattoos directly related to Him. One is an abstract broken circle design with a sigil inside. He has the same one, but with a different sigil on the inside of it. It looks similar enough though that you can tell they are connected. The other one is the word slave spelled out in Enochian as an arm wrap directly above the tattoo I described above. Both of these were designed by Him.

Then of course there are the other tattoos He designed for me. They don't have anything to do with a tattoo that matches His or that directly relates to my submission. He designed a wolf which is on my shoulder and a thigh wrap on my left leg.

And last but not least is the scar He gave me before any of His tattoo designs touched my skin. He wanted a way to mark me and mark me He did. He took a knife and did a quick swipe along the left side of my chest, going upward, just above my breast. It's hard to explain. But basically the cut went a little deeper than expected. It wasn't dangerous. It was just a little deeper and wider than expected. It turned out beautifully though. That was done about, oh, eight or seven and a half years ago. Yes, it was rather early on in our relationship. It was within the first year to a year and a half into our relationship.

So, while He can't drag me around by them, they are there permanently. Well, at the very least they aren't coming off without expensive and painful tattoo removal. I just don't see that happening.

I Belong To Him

Back in January Master and I had to retire my collar. It is now towards the end of April. I have gotten more used to it. Part of the reason, I feel, is because I can still wear my cuff. Thankfully my skin has not reacted to it at all. I think in part it is because the cuff is not as old as the collar and secondly the screw never really touches my skin. On my collar I always positioned it so that the screw was to one side. That side is the one that eventually caused my nickel allergy to act up. Well, that's where it was the worst anyway. The other side had a small reaction as well.

But there are times where I am very aware that it's not there any longer. I mean obviously I don't feel it anymore and I can touch all of my neck. I don't really react to that part anymore. I can touch my neck and not feel a twinge of sadness.

But yesterday was a good example of it sometimes becoming very apparent that I no longer can wear my collar.

Master and I were in the bedroom and He had just finished fucking me. I had been allowed to get off several times and He wanted me to finish Him with my mouth. So He knelt up and grabbed my neck to get me to move. He used to just grab my collar and pull me by it. Right then I felt that twinge for a few seconds. I didn't get upset or anything it was just that brief moment and I snapped out of it quickly and sucked His cock just the way He likes it and was rewarded by His cum being shot down my throat.

Trust me, the man has very big hands. He has absolutely no problem grabbing me by the neck and making me do what He wants me to do. He is still manhandling me and basically not giving me any other option but to do what He wants me to do.

He can grab my neck, He can grab my hair, He can do anything He wants and/or needs to do to physically make me obey, even if I am not resisting and He just feels like doing so.

But He used to grab my collar a lot. He found it very amusing that He could just grab my collar and force me head up or down, back and forth.

I think He misses it sometimes too.

But a collar does not make me submissive to Him. My cuff doesn't do that either. It's just what I am and what I do. That doesn't mean I can't miss it though. Having some kind of fabric collar/choker has crossed my mind. But then I would run into the problems of how it attaches. For example, if it has metal or then what is the metal made of. Why fabric? Well, Master and I thought that a new metal collar would be too "out of place" when I'm looking for a new job or get into another office enviroment. So would a leather one, which I also used to wear before the metal one became my permanent collar. I think in part, that is why I felt so sad when it had to come off. I couldn't wear it on my days off or when I came home even. I had built it up in my mind that I would always be able to wear it at some point. Maybe not every day, but sometimes.

A fabric one would just basically be something I would wear to make me feel better and would still be a symbol. The other problem with a fabric one is that He wouldn't be able to yank me around with it. And again with the leather the problem would be how it would fasten. Most are metal. I hate having a nickel allergy.

Do I need a symbol? No. I am His no matter what I am or am not wearing. One day the cuff may have to come off as well.

But there is one symbol that will never be off permanently. My wedding ring. That is really the only thing I need to wear to show that I am His. I don't need to kinky symbols. I don't need something that He can use to tug me around. The ring is everything. It is a sign that I belong to Him in more ways than one.

My Body Hates Me

Today was really bad pain wise. I have no idea why it flared up so badly today. Maybe it has to do with the weather. Maybe it has to do with stress. Maybe my body just does not like me at all today.

Whatever the reason it hit right around noon. This made the afternoon seem to drag on forever. There I am, popping Tylenol and Ibuprofen to try and feel better while still busting my tail to keep up with my work flow. It wasn't going that well. I still got a lot done but when I got in the car and was heading home it all kind of hit me at once. I think it has to do with the fact that I wasn't moving anymore. I was just sitting there. I couldn't really stretch in ways that would help either. It was all in my shoulders and lower back. Well, when you're sitting in the back seat of a small car, even at my height, you can't really stretch all that much.

So for the 45 minute drive home I basically just kept adjusting how I was sitting. I would alleviate some of the pain in my lower back but then my shoulders would hurt worse than before and the other way around.

When I walked in the door Master immediately asked me what was wrong. I knew I probably looked like hell. When I'm in that kind of pain I look pale and tired as hell and I tend to wince when I'm walking.

I got comfortable by getting undressed and putting on one of His jean shirts. When I'm in a lot of pain or not feeling well I love wearing one of His shirts. I don't know why but it makes me feel better. I'm weird that way. Maybe it's a security/comfort thing. You know how when you're a little kid you have that one blanket or stuffed animal that always helped when you weren't feeling well or were scared?

Well, when I was a little kid it was a blanket. Now? It's Master's shirts. I have one of His jean button down shirts and three t-shirts. Two Alice Cooper shirts and one Disturbed shirt.

After dinner He had me lay on the floor and gave me a long back massage. It helped a lot.

Since I haven't gone to a doctor specifically for my fibromyalgia in about ten years I don't have any prescription strength pain killers and no muscle relaxers at all. I've thought about going to a doctor again for it. I hate the thought because they always just want to shove me full of pills and trigger point injections. Yes, those pills are really handy when it's really bad but back when I went they wanted me to take them all the time. Every day, twice a day. And trigger point injections hurt like a son of a bitch, let me tell you.

I've done trigger point injections, ultrasound massages, a chiropractor, physical therapy, traction, and acupuncture. The works basically. Nothing really helped long term. It was all immediate relief that would last for a little while and then hit me full force again.

But it seems that it's just getting worse as I get older. I'm only 29 now. I hate to think of what it will be like when I'm 40 or 50 or 60, etc. Maybe I can find a doctor that won't just want to pump me full of drugs and just give them to me for when I need them.

I'm only playing with the idea currently. And since I'm currently trying to find new employment I'm not sure how wise it would be to start looking for a doctor now rather than waiting to see what my new insurance would cover.