Babble

Coffee was my friend today. I don't want to do a post all about work so I'll just say that I got five hours of sleep and worked a twelve hour day. I'm not tired although I think that's because I had three cups of coffee today and the last one was about an hour before I left work. I'm not bouncing off the walls but I'm alert.

It was a crappy day outside. It was in the 90's only two days ago and now it's only 50°, if that. It's been raining on and off as well. As a result of this crappy weather our neighbors haven't been out the past two days. Master and I have both gotten used to just going outside when we get bored inside the apartment. Yes, we could just sit out there without neighbors, but not with how the weather has been. I'm hoping that it's nice out this weekend. The weather channels says it's supposed to get into the mid 70's but it also says it's supposed to rain on and off all weekend. But then again it's normally wrong, so who the hell knows.

Our DVD player died today. Master went to put a movie in and the damn thing wouldn't open and kept turning itself on and off. It was doing the on and off thing for the past few days, so it's not that much of a surprise. The problem was one of the porno movies that we have that I actually really like was stuck inside the DVD player since we hadn't taken it out when we were done watching it. So, since the DVD player was busted anyway Master just took it apart and got the porno out.

Thankfully His Xbox 360 plays DVDs. But we don't want to wear that out either so we'll be looking for a cheap little DVD player soon.

Master's back has been bothering Him pretty badly today. He is currently running hot water over it in the shower. I offered to give Him a back rub but He's not sure if it's too sore for that or not.

My fibromyalgia has been acting up as well. But it's really painful so much as it is just really stiff in my shoulders and lower back. I've been stretching on and off all day. I would walk away from my desk just to move a little bit.

It really sucks that it's almost 8pm already. I know that I cannot stay up too late tonight as tomorrow is a work day and Master normally allows me to stay up a little later on Thursday nights but He still wants me to get to bed at a decent hour. Who knows, I may pass out before He tells me to go to bed. I doubt it though.

I know I'm just rambling on about random shit but I don't have a real topic in mind tonight. I want to try and think of a good topic for one of my weekend posts though. I don't want to just go, "And today we..."

I want to type out something that has more meaning to it I guess. And I want it to be based on my submission to Master. After all, that's what this blog is supposed to be about. I do think I'm getting better at not typing about my job as much. I may touch on it here and there but I don't do a whole post about it anymore. At least, not that I can think of right now.

Sanity Is Relative

Every morning before I go to work I have to leave Master a note telling Him what my mood is. Obviously, it might change by the time I get home, but He likes the notes in the morning so He knows where my head was at right before I leave. My note this morning said something along the lines of just being kind of blah and sluggish. I wasn't down or bummed out or anything like that. Just... blah.

He called me while I was at work to check in. He does that sometimes. Sometimes it's because He wants to see how I'm doing, other times it's because He just wanted to say hi. Most of the time it's both. 

He asked me how my day was going and I told Him it was just a usual work day. He asked if I was okay and I said yes. I was being honest. He told me that He just wanted to make sure because I sounded down. I reassured Him that I wasn't down, just sluggish. Coffee wasn't even helping today. That's pretty damn bad.

I like that He keeps such close tabs on me though. At first, when I first got on my medication it was annoying. It's not that He was annoying me it was the fact that I was having to change my habits so I didn't automatically answer with "Nothing."

Master hates that word by the way. Absolutely hates it. I said it so much over the years when something was actually wrong that He wants that word removed from my vocabulary.

But it's a good thing that Master asks these questions and since early on I had to change my habit of just throwing an answer out there without even thinking, I've become better at actually looking inward to see whether or not something is actually bothering me. I know for most people that sound be as easy as breathing, but for me it took some time. And now I'm much better about it. I've had a lot less automatic answers just tumble from my lips when He asks me how I'm feeling or if something is bothering me.

My answers are getting quicker because I'm trying to keep track of how I'm feeling throughout the day. That way I know and I can answer Him without having to think about it for fifteen minutes. Also, if something is bothering me I make sure to tell Master. I shouldn't wait for Him to ask. I should come to Him with it. It makes my life easier and makes it so Master doesn't have to worry as much.

Not that long ago He mentioned that I should be doing more with my online mood tracker. Every night, as part of my routine, I got to my mood tracker and make an entry. I was doing fine with the actual mood selection but it also gives you a space to type a paragraph about how your day was or what's on your mind. Well, I hadn't been typing much in that little paragraph box. Master wanted me to correct that. So I've been trying to type a little bit about the day and if something affected me, I am writing that down.

I don't always type about such things in my blog, so my mood tracker is the next best thing. Also, Master or myself can go through all the dates and the more I type in there the more we can see a pattern, if there is one.

Why patterns? Well, about two years before I started taking my medication Master started to notice that I was on this pattern of how my moods were. He told me He could set His clock by them. I would be fine for about two to three months and then all hell would break loose again.

I haven't really had that problem since then, but better safe than sorry.

Laughing = Stress Relief

Last night it was really rough going to bed at a decent hour. It had been such a great extended weekend, I didn't want it to end. Master was kind and allowed me to stay up a little later than usual for a work night. He was even nicer about it and came to tuck me in when I went to bed. I was all settled in our bed, under the covers, waiting for Him. I smiled when I saw Him walk in the door. He laid down on the bed, on top of the covers. He wrapped His arm around me and I cuddled up to Him, resting my head on His chest. We stayed like that for a little while. He then kissed my forehead and told me goodnight. He closed the door behind Him, I rolled onto my side and fell asleep eventually.

Getting up to an alarm after four days is a bitch by the way.

The work day went by very quickly but it still felt like a long day. So by the time I got into the car to come home I was stressed and sore. The other people in the carpool yammered on about bars and drinking, so I just tuned it out. I've been getting more quiet during the carpool lately. Mainly because I have absolutely nothing to add to it. All they talk about is drinking, bars and things they do when they are drunk.

I've never been much of a drinker and now I can't really drink due to the medications that I'm on. If I do drink, it's a few sips out of whatever Master is drinking. So I figure it's just best to be quiet and look out the window for the 45 minute drive home.

When I was dropped off I started walking to our apartment and next thing I know Master is standing up so I can see Him over the hedge. He was over at our neighbor's porch. He flagged me down and I said I'd be over in a minute. I walked in, dropped off my purse, used the bathroom, grabbed a soda and went back out.

We were only over there for about 20 minutes and then everyone went their own ways to go eat dinner. Master grilled center cut pork chops. It was delicious. Shortly after we were done eating we went back outside. There were quite a few of the neighborhood clan out. So we went over by them. It's rather rare during the work week that everyone hangs out like that but there we were.

We were cracking jokes and having a great time. I'm becoming more social the more I get used to it. I was laughing so hard. It was great. I think I surprised a few people with some of the jokes I was making. It wasn't in a bad way. I guess they just aren't used to girls making those kind of jokes. Master was quick to explain that I tend to think more like a guy in regards to my humor and what not.

It was only about a half hour ago that we actually came back inside. I'm glad we went out there though. I needed the stress relief and I know that Master had a lot of fun as well.

Not Nagging

Master ended up coming inside for a brief moment, from being down at the neighbors, last night to grab a soda. When He was heading back out I asked Him how long He planned on being down there. I'm sure it came off wrong as that sounds like a nagging question in general. But it's not how I meant it and apparently Master didn't take it that way either. He simply said, "I'm not sure. Whenever I get bored I guess." He then went back down to the neighbors.

So why did I ask a somewhat nagging question? Well, I wanted to know how long He would be down there so I could figure out if it would be worth it to go down there as there were a few things I wanted to do first. But since He said He would stay down there until He was bored, I knew that it wouldn't be anytime soon.

So I finished my blog post and did the rest of my nightly routine. It was a lot earlier than I usually do them but I would rather do them early rather than doing it when we got back and whatever time. For all I knew it could have been past midnight before we got back in.

After my nightly routine was done I put on some eyeliner, which I hardly ever do anymore. Why? Well, I wanted to look a bit nicer for Master tonight even though all we were going to do was sit around a fire and talk with our neighbors.

Once the eyeliner was on I put on a fitting tank top, a pair of jeans, a pair of heels and one of my favorite hats that I had actually forgotten I had anymore. I found it when I was rummaging around in the closet.

I also grabbed a light spring jacket as the temperature was already dropping. I didn't want to have to run back in when it started to get colder out.

So I walked down there and Master seemed pleased with my little bit of extra effort.

We spent most of the time just listening to different gossip and drama that is going around the apartment complex. There is more than I thought there was. Some of it reminds me of some Jerry Springer shit... *laughs* It's rather amusing actually.

We didn't stay until midnight. I think we were back in before 11pm. I don't really remember. I just know it was before midnight. We watched some porn, fucked and just generally had a good time.

Today did not go so smoothly. It was actually a pain in the fucking ass most of the day, which resulted in a lot of driving around. Neither of us were exactly amused especially seeing as we were unable to get what we had actually gone out for.

Not a great way to end a four day weekend, but at least the rest of the weekend was enjoyable. And we've made the most of the rest of the afternoon/evening. Master already told me that I can stay up a bit tonight.

Sunday

We were woken up today by a phone call from His mother. She called at 7:20am this morning and the minute Master saw her name on the caller ID we figured something was wrong since no one ever calls us that early in the morning without it being either an emergency or extremely important. It turned out that she had woken up to her cat incredibly ill. I won't get too graphic but it sounded really bad. While this is really sad news, we were both surprised that she called us because of this. Personally, my first reaction would to have gotten in the car and drive to the closest emergency vet in the area. But my mother-in-law does not really handle things well and her first instinct is to call people. He didn't really have any advice for her but to take her cat to the vet. She said she was going to and then they got off the phone. I was only half awake while this conversation was going on so Master filled me in a bit more. I ended up drifting back off to sleep afterward.

I know that may sound really bad. But there wasn't anything I could do.

I woke up fully shortly there after. Master and I talked for a little while and chilled in the living room. Around 11:20am my mother-in-law called back. She had to put her cat down. Apparently her cat was a severe diabetic and nobody knew. His mom said that she had been losing a lot of weight but figured it was a good thing since her cat was very much overweight to begin with.

I know it's really hard to put an animal down. I've had to go through it a total of three times. Twice I wasn't in the room (my parents would not allow it) but I knew it was going to happen and the last time I was in the room. It is heart breaking and devastating each and every time. But it's either live with the chance that you may have to go through it again, or not have an animal. Me? I'd rather have an animal in my life and enjoy every moment while I can.

Obviously we weren't going down to His mother's today. I know we didn't want to go down to begin with but it is a really shitty reason as to why we weren't.

However, since we had been planning on going down when it came time that we would have actually left we weren't really sure what to do with ourselves. Does anyone else experience that when you have plans to do something but they are cancelled for whatever reason?

We just relaxed in the apartment but a little while ago Master wanted to venture out and see what was going on with our neighbors. I wasn't really up for it. But it wasn't like last time where we were already kind of pissy with one another. So there was no arguing about it or hurt feelings. Master understood that I didn't really want to venture out yet and I understood that He wanted to get out of the apartment for a little while.

So while He is out there I'm just doing my blog post and listening to random music I like on You Tube while I do so.

I know that I was talking about not liking being apart when we're both home not that long ago. That still holds true but since we weren't arguing to begin with this time it's an, "Oh. Okay. See You in a little while love."

He may venture back in at some point. I may make my way out there at some point. *shrugs* Either way.

Lazy Bones

Today has been an incredibly lazy day. I've greatly enjoyed it.

This morning started out with me waking up earlier than usual for a weekend. I ran out to McDonald's, got Master breakfast and brought it to Him in bed. He loves McDonald's breakfast. He was very pleased.

After that it's mainly just been us relaxing in the apartment. It was raining for a good portion of the morning and early afternoon. I love it when it's raining. I find it very relaxing. Once the rain stopped Master went outside to put away the grill and turn the patio furniture cushions up so that they could dry.

We've basically been nothing but sitting in the apartment watching random stuff on Netflix. It doesn't make much for good posting but I've loved it. We haven't had a very lazy day like this in a while. I know if must sound boring as hell but since they don't happen very often anymore I look forward to them.

Tomorrow sounds like it's going to be busy, and very hot. Master and I don't do well in extreme heat. We end up feeling completely drained.

But we have to go to His mother's tomorrow. At least we'll be in air conditioning. Although our neighbors had already invited us down tomorrow night to hang out by the fire. Sitting by a fire doesn't sound very appealing when it's going to be hot as hell all day. Maybe they'll skip the fire and just want to sit around and talk. That would be preferably, if we're even up to that. Sometimes after we visit His mother we really don't want to deal with anyone at all, save each other of course. She knows how to get under our skin and yet act like she didn't know she was doing so.

But I'm not going to let it ruin my extended weekend, especially since I'm most likely going to have to go into work next Saturday.

I think later tonight Master and I will most likely end up watching a porn we started watching last night before I started to crash.

More On The Neighbors

Master allowed me to skip my post last night because we were down at one of neighbor's apartments chilling on their porch with a group of our other neighbors. Apparently we're like the new favorites or something. We went on our porch to get some fresh air and the next thing we know Mike (one of our neighbors) yelled out Master's name from his porch. So we walked over and were invited to join the circle basically. So we sat down and shot the shit for a while. I'm starting to feel more comfortable with them so I'm relaxing a bit more and joking around, etc. Master seems pleased by this. And now we have a "free pass" to their bonfires. Apparently they have one every weekend, sometimes both Friday and Saturday. So if we feel like it we can just walk down there without feeling awkward about it. We have also been invited to a party in July that is happening at Mike's girlfriend's house. It's a theme party and they want everyone to wear grass skirts, etc. Yeah... that's not happening. Nope. Nu-uh. No way.

Either way, we're invited. And they are having a cookout this Sunday for Memorial Day. We're invited to that as well. Unfortunately we have to go down to His mother's at 4pm. We most likely won't be down there too late but I'm not sure if I'll be feeling social afterward in order to go down and hang out. Not that it matters. If Master wants to go I'll go.

It was funny last night though because Mike and Master seem to be new best friends. They already have inside jokes.. well I know what they mean as well but out of nowhere they'll just bring it up for no apparent reason and they both start laughing. It's funny. Hell, last night they were joking around about Nicole. She is another neighbor that no one really cares for but is always around because she dates and lives with one of our other neighbors that everyone likes. After joking for a while they basically dared each other to go down there and just walk in. So they did. And Master promptly ran back out laughing His ass off. Mike was running out shortly there after.

They had walked in with no problems. Nicole and her boyfriend Leslie were sitting at their table and suddenly Nicole, who is very loud and has absolutely no filter and an fucked up sense of humor, suddenly yelled out "Show them the dildo that made me cum."

That statement is exactly why Master ran out as did Mike. They were laughing their asses off though. But Nicole was serious because she did actually show it to the other guy who had gone in with them. She is fucking nuts.

We live around some very fucked up people. But some of them we actually like and have a good time with, so it's all good.

I don't know exactly if I want to hang out with them every weekend. Although it looks like that's going to happen. Well, maybe not every weekend but pretty frequently. Master really enjoys it and I am starting to. Plus, it's kind of like a soap opera sometimes. A very, very fucked up soap opera.

The Little Things In Life

The other day when Master held out His hand so I would catch up and grab it I smiled and looked up at Him. He smiled and looked at me and said, "It's the simple things, like holding hands..."

I couldn't help but smile wider and agree. We show each other, and tell each other, that we love one another all the time. It's a constant. We have never gone a day in the past nine years where we haven't said I love you. Even the days where we were fighting or I was spinning out of control, we still said it.

You need to hear and feel these things. Yes, I know that He loves me and He knows that I love Him. But that shouldn't be where it ends. At least not in my opinion. You shouldn't have to just settle for knowing it. You should be able to also hear and feel it.

Whether it just be a loving look, holding hands, hugging, kissing... just saying it. However it's done, it matters. I know not every couple says it ever day. Hell, I know a few couples like that. Is there something wrong with that? No, apparently not for them. And that's great. Whatever works for you and you are comfortable with.

But me? I prefer to hear it and feel it as well, as does Master.

We're not clingy. Well, early on in our relationship Master told me at one point that I was being clingy. I took a step back and realized that yes, I was in fact being clingy. That's all it took. I chilled the hell out.

But some people would probably look at how we are and either say we're obsessed with one another or we're clingy.

We don't like spending a lot of time apart. Work is one thing. But when we're both home and able to be with one another we don't like separating like that. Like the night I stayed in when He went to go sit with neighbors. I stayed back to get myself together in far as my submission goes. And that's a good thing. But I stayed in past that since it was close to the time I had to take the dog out. It felt really, really weird not having Him near me when I knew He was just outside. Later on that night when we got back in the apartment after hanging out with the neighbors He admitted that it was also really weird for Him to not have me at His side knowing I was home.

See, that scenario alone would make people think we're nuts. Most couples value their alone time. We find it uncomfortable.

Yet we can both be in the apartment doing our own thing and we're perfectly fine because we know that the other is in the apartment. Never mind the fact that the night He went outside and I didn't we were maybe a whole minute's walk from one another. It's just odd how we work I guess. Well, it seems normal now after so many years.

Obsessed? Maybe. We're just so... I don't even know how to describe it... Ugh. I hate it when I can't think of a way to describe something. Then again there are just some things you can't describe with words. You have to experience it.

Not Feeling Well

I'm a little annoyed today. I wasn't planning on not feeling well. Last night Master and I grabbed McDonald's for dinner. Everything tasted fine. It was about a half hour later that I started to not feel all that well. So I asked Master if I could use the bathroom when I needed to. When I'm not feeling well it's just easier to ask for that than to ask each time I feel like I need to. Plus, it also lets Him know that I am really not feeling well at all. He of course gave the permission. We were in the middle of watching Skeleton Key on Netflix (a movie I really like) when it hit. I thought maybe it was just gas. Nope.

When I got into the bathroom I got really, really sick. Just when I thought it was over it would hit me all over again.

By the time I felt it was safe to venture back into the living room I was shaking pretty bad. Since I'm hypoglycemic I tend to shake quite a bit after I throw up. Let alone get as sick as I did. I had to lean against the wall when I was walking I was shaking so badly.

I grabbed a throw blanket and laid down on the couch. I was planning on just getting comfortable and hoping that I wouldn't get sick again. Well, I didn't get sick again because I fell asleep.

Master had allowed me to sleep on the couch until the end of the movie at which time He woke me up so I could take my medications and go lay down in our bed.

I promptly passed out when my head hit the pillow.

So why am I annoyed? Well, getting that sick sucks ass. Add to that the fact that when I got up this morning I was still pretty shaky. I took the dog out and then went into the bathroom to brush my hair and brush my teeth. Well I got to the brushing my hair part when I felt ill again. Sure enough I threw up again. Son. Of. A. Bitch.

I sat there for a little while and still felt dizzy and nauseous. So I decided that it would be best to just go back to bed and sleep it off, hopefully. So I sent a text to the driver of my carpool to let her know I didn't need a ride and then called my supervisor.

I didn't want to skip out of work today. I'm not worried about getting behind so much as I didn't want to burn a vacation day. But we don't get sick days, just personal time (which is unpaid) and vacation days (which are paid). Well, I couldn't afford losing a whole days worth of pay so I burned one of the vacation days. *sigh*

When I got back to bed I accidentally woke Master up. He told me what time it was and asked if I was okay. I said that I still wasn't feeling well and was staying home. He simply said, "Okay baby," and cuddled up next to me and we fell back asleep. He woke up at 7:15am apparently and He allowed me to sleep until 10:30am. I was still shaky when I got up so I ate a little something.

I've felt off most of the day but after dinner I finally started to feel better and my stomach didn't fight back, which is a good thing.

So back to work tomorrow and Thursday. Then on Friday I have off and the following Monday I have off due to the office being closed for Memorial Day.

Getting Our Groove Back

Last night after my bath I dressed up for Master. At one point we were talking and He sat down at the computer. He didn't snap His fingers, He simply pointed to the floor at His side. I immediately knew what that meant and knelt next to the computer chair. To be perfectly honest He hasn't done that in a really long time. Then again I haven't been acting this docile and submissive in a really long time. I haven't been a bad girl or anything, it's just the more physical signs of submission such as kneeling haven't been done in quite a long time. I know I've posted before that we seem to feed off one another. The more submissive I am, the more Dominant He becomes and the same in reverse.

So I am going to be trying to do that more, and I'm sure in response to that He will do that kind of stuff more as well.

He fucked me rather roughly right before I had to go to bed. I had asked to stay up a little bit longer, after He fucked me, but He said no that I needed my sleep. I didn't pout or anything, I just simply said "Yes Sir," and went to sleep.

Today when I got home from work I was and am still in a state of feeling deeply submissive.

While we were standing around talking when I walked in the door I asked if I could have some soda. He said yes. We only have 2-liters in the house right now so I grabbed a glass. As I was about to start pouring the soda into my glass He said, "When you have a minute get me some too."

Rather than getting it afterward I simply put the 2-liter down, grabbed His glass and filled it first. I wasn't being impatient or anything like that. It was simply a reaction to what He had said. When I did that He said I could have gotten mine first.

My response was, "I'm not on that kind of protocol right now."

It's an odd way of saying it I know. Basically what I meant was that my brain told me to just get His first even though I was about to pour mine.

He smiled. I love that smile.

We had a couple of errands to run afterward, so I just stayed dressed and shortly there after we headed out the door. I did my usual stay to His left side and about two steps behind Him. I have always done that but I seem to be actually paying attention in regards to how far behind Him I actually am. I wanted to make sure it was two steps behind and not one or three. Odd, I know. He held His hand out which is also something He hasn't done in a long time. I knew that meant it was okay to come up to His side, hold His hand and walk in time with Him.

Don't get me wrong He holds my hand when we walk quite often. But lately He would just reach back and grab my hand and pull me up to Him. That's sweet, but by Him just holding His hand out, without looking back, and expecting me to be paying enough attention to react immediately... *happy sigh*

I'm a very happy and content slave girl today.

Good Girl

Last night after my blog post I took care of the dog and then joined Master at the bonfire a few apartments down. At first I just sat on the ground next to Him. There were other chairs that were free. I could have easily picked one up and sat it down next to Master. But I knew that I hadn't been behaving myself so I decided that it would be a show of submission to Him if I just sat on the ground on the left side of His chair. I'm not sure if that's how Master took it but I think He did. Eventually Master offered me a chair and I took it. I don't know if this sounds weird or not but I prefer sitting next to Him rather than sitting in a chair in between two other people. I feel a little out of sorts when I'm not sitting next to Him. It's not always possible depending on how the chairs are arranged but I try to sit next to Him as much as possible. So we sat down there for a few hours just enjoying the bonfire and talking with our neighbors.

By the way that whole week off thing ended yesterday. It obviously didn't make it a week. I think it was fucking with Him as much as it was fucking with me. I mean I wasn't totally lost it was just... odd.

He also has made it clear that He wants me to get back into the swing of things rather than just asking permission to use the bathroom, etc. As I said in last night's post I haven't been initiating a lot of things and I haven't been kneeling, etc. Granted His hasn't been telling me too either but as I said, He wants me to take more initiative.

He has also told me that He wants me to go back to blogging every day rather than every other day. He stated that He didn't see much of a difference and He prefers that I do it nightly. So I'm back to a required daily post.

By the way, when I say get back on track with things I don't mean that I have had any inclination to drop the dynamic. If anything I feel safer and stronger inside of the dynamic than I did before my medication started.

So today I took some baby steps. We had gone outside for a little bit to talk with some neighbors. I was able to sit next to Him. He had asked me to grab something for Him off the table as I was closer. I softly said, "Yes Sir," and then handed Him what He had asked for. I heard a low but quiet "Good girl."

I'm a "good girl" junkie. I haven't heard it in a while because I haven't been playing my part so to speak. At least not to the degrees I should be.

After we came back inside I asked if He wanted me to work on His back. He said yes, so we went into the bedroom and I worked on His back for about 20 minutes. Afterward He flipped onto His back to stretch out a little bit. I laid on the bed next to Him, laying on my side with my head on His chest. He wrapped an arm around me and I snaked my hand down His body and starting playing with His cock. He had His boxer briefs on so I just rubbed it through the fabric for a little while. Eventually I got up and got undressed while He took off His boxer briefs. I licked the underside of His dick a few times before straddling Him. I was soaked already just by playing with Him so He slid in almost immediately. I rode Him and got off a few times before I laid on top of Him and rocked my hips. Eventually He grabbed my hips and started matching my movements with His hips. It felt incredible. We kept going faster until eventually He filled me with His cum and I collapsed on top of Him.

I did stay clothed as we have been going in and out of the apartment. Also, some of our neighbors are starting to knock on the patio door if they want/need anything or they just want to know if we want to come down for a while. So I figure I'll just keep something in the living room that I can quickly toss on, just to be on the safe side.

I also knelt in front of Him today. I didn't realized that I had actually missed that. I think I had just allowed myself to reach a comfort zone that I shouldn't have slipped into. It was more of a "May I...", do my post and that was about it. I wasn't doing any of the physically submissive things that I used to do. So I need to do that more.

Before Medication

Today Master made a comment that made me sit back for a moment.

I'm on my period right now and apparently I've been pretty bitchy. I haven't meant to be to be perfectly honest but we all know that sometimes that just doesn't matter, it happens anyway. The comment He made was something along the lines that He understands I'm PMSing right now but it's more like how I was before I started taking any of my medications. I've been medicated for two years now. Looking back I realize what a train wreck I was. I wasn't always that bad. It wasn't until about the time I turned 25 that it really started to kick into overdrive. I've been medicated since I was 27. So, it was two years of me just being bat shit crazy one minute and perfectly fine the next. Ready to take anyone's head off to me not understanding why people were pissed off with me.

So when He made a comment about my behavior being more like it was before I was medicated it hit me rather hard. He didn't say it in a mean way, He wasn't a dick about or anything, He just said it rather bluntly and that was that. He didn't harp on it.

We had been invited down to another bonfire tonight. We went to one last night. After dinner Master asked what I wanted to do. I didn't really have any ideas as we didn't feel like watching anything. He said that we were invited down. I wasn't feeling all that social so I simply said, "Go ahead."

He had told me earlier today that I could just stay home if I wanted. So I did. Apparently I need to get my head on right and now seems as good of a time as any. So I took a really quick bath as there was barely any hot water. As soon as I got out of the tub Master had came back inside to grab a soda. Shortly there after He went back out.

After that I laid down on the living room floor and just laid there for a little while. My lower back was bothering me a little so I figured that laying on the floor would help a little bit by stretching it out. As I was laying there I realized it has been a very long time since I mediated. So I continued to lay on the floor and just closed my eyes and started reflecting and meditating on such things.

I cannot account for why I've been so bitchy really. I mean the stress levels are about where they have been for a while now. So nothing new there. I'm not depressed. I'm definitely not in a manic phase right now. Honestly, I would prefer a manic phase right now.

I know that I need to do more and get out of this rut I've placed myself in. I've slacked off on exercising for quite a while now which probably isn't helping at all. Now one might say that being more social may help get me out of this rut, and that's probably true. But I just didn't feel ready to deal with anyone right them when Master went outside. I guess I just feel stuck right now. I'm not sure why I feel stuck. It's like I've slipped a gear and just can't shift into the next one.

I'm not used to being a social person anymore. I've never really been extremely social honestly. I did go last night and I sat outside for a while today talking with some of our neighbors. But Master seems to be more excited about it than I do.

I guess I'll have to start forcing myself to get out there and be social when He is. I know He isn't trying to drag me into it or anything. He is encouraging it but not dragging.

I'm glad I stayed back for now though. It allowed me to meditate for a little while and I do feel better because of it. I know that I have to start being more active and get out of the whole work and then sit at home thing. I don't want to be social all the time. I still want time to just relax in the apartment and not deal with anyone besides Master.

I did do some exercises after my meditation and I know I should do that more often. I don't know if I'll go down there later or not. I'm not really sure how long Master intends on staying down there.

Another thing I've noticed, and Master also commented on this, is that I don't really dress up in lingerie for Him anymore unless He tells me to. I don't take the initiative. I haven't been taking the initiative with that or with sex in general really. I'll flirt and grab His crotch but I haven't been actually starting anything beyond that. It's not that I don't have a sex drive. I do. It's not as high as it usually is but that seems to happen when summer initially hits.

He has also commented on the fact that I don't just toss on a skirt and heels anymore and that I hardly wear the heels I have. Aside from errands or visiting family we don't really go out. I mean yeah Master has been hanging out with our neighbors but that's literally only a few doors down. I guess I don't really need an excuse to do that. I could just toss on a dress or skirt when we go to run a couple of errands.

I also need to buy more skirts and dresses. I had purchased a dress about six months ago but it was online and when it got here I was disappointed with it. It wasn't like it I thought it would be. So I guess I'll have to start setting some money aside so I can go out and buy more skirts and dresses that I know I'll like and want to wear and that Master will enjoy seeing me in.

I also need to start exercising more because I'm not entirely happy with how I look right now. I'm not fat, I haven't put on a lot of weight or anything, I'm just not as toned as I used to be. I don't think I'm ugly, but I do want to tone up. I've said it before and I was doing well for a while but then I let it slip and until today haven't been doing it.

I do know that if I do end up going down there tonight to hang out with our neighbors I'll most likely just keep on what I have on currently. It's a gray tank top with gray yoga pants. It's not jeans and a t-shirt plus Master made a comment that He likes me in this outfit.

And like I said I need to buy more dresses and skirts. My favorites had "died" a while back. Either they were just worn out as they were older or at one point one of the animals fucked it up. I'm not mad about it, I'm just saying that it happened. That's also what happened to my favorite pair of heels. They were just old and the heel broke on one of them.

So I guess I have to get out there and buy some new favorites so I'll want to wear them more often.

Neighborly

Not that long ago Master started being more social with our neighbors. I was hesitant at first. Not because I hate our neighbors but because I have never been friends with my neighbors, no matter where I lived.

But this past weekend He and I had sat outside and socialized a bit. I realized that I actually really like some of our neighbors that Master talks to. So it wasn't all that bad. The only down side I see, as this past weekend has already proven, is that whenever we're outside if one of them are they want to come over and talk or ask us to come over to their porch. But we're still "new" (even though we've lived far longer than any of them have) so I think that it'll wear off a little bit as time goes on.

This morning when my alarm went off I didn't feel well at all. As soon as I got into the living room and started throwing on pajama pants long enough to take the dog out I realized that I wasn't going to work today. I felt like hell. So after I stumbled my way outside to take the dog out I sat down at the computer, took an allergy pill,  and sent a text to the carpool I'm in to let them know I wouldn't be going in. Then I called my supervisor. After that I promptly took the pajama pants back off and went back to bed.

The second time I woke up it was because Master woke me up. Apparently it was 9:30am already. Allergy pills knock me the hell out. He told me He tried waking me earlier but I didn't respond. I figure I just needed the rest.

I didn't feel all that great until about mid afternoon, so I'm glad that I stayed home from work.

However, once I started feeling better and the allergy meds I took fully kicked in we sat outside and talked to our neighbors for a little while. I was comfortable in a pair of jeans, sneakers, one of Master's t-shirts and one of His hoodies over the t-shirt. I've noticed that whenever I don't feel well, no matter the reason, I tend to put on Master's clothing. It's like a security blanket I guess.

I was a little out of it due to the allergy medications but I did have a good time with our neighbors. Well, there are some that I like and have a good time talking to and then there are a few that I instinctively do not like. Does anyone else experience that? You've only just met the person or only "hung out" with them once or twice and you immediately know that you do not like that person at all? It doesn't happen to me often but there are two neighbors here that I just do not like. They haven't done anything to me... I just don't like them. I still play nice though.

It sounds like this Saturday a bunch of them are getting together just to chill and have a good time. We will probably stop by although I don't know for how long.

Week Off

Today while I was at work Master called me. He was updating me on something or other. I honestly can't remember what. But while He had me on the phone He told me that He was going to take the week off. I stared blankly at my desk in front of me, slightly confused. So I asked Him, "You're taking a week off of what?"

He told me that He is taking a week off from the dynamic. He says He just wants a break from telling me what to do. I'm not sure why, not that it really matters. This isn't a punishment. He isn't mad at me. We're not in trouble. We're fine... He just wants a week off of bossing me around I guess is the way to put it. Then again I guess Masters need a break too. He's been my Master for nine years after all.

So now that I'm home from work it's been hard to not ask permission for things, like going to the bathroom for example. But I haven't slipped up yet. Every time I have to go to the bathroom or want to get a soda the habit is to ask permission and wait for a response. That habit still hits of course, but I just take a moment and then remind myself that I don't have to ask and then just go do it.

Knowing that it's not a punishment helps a lot. I'm glad He clarified that. I would be going absolutely bonkers already if it was.

Dressing For Master

Today was a really nice outside today. We had some errands to do and since it was a rare day where we were leaving the house for an extended period of time and weren't going to visit family, I decided to do more than just simple jeans and a t-shirt. Granted it was still jeans but that's okay. I tossed on a pair of jeans and then picked out a t-shirt. However, it wasn't a normal t-shirt. It is black and gray striped. The black is pretty much solid but the gray is partially see through. So I figured that it would cover enough to wear out without a bra or another shirt under it but still peak Master's interest. After that I tossed on a pair of heels.

Master seemed pleased when I walked out into the living room. He smiled and gave me a big hug.

We went downtown to go to a store we normally try to space out trips to because it's about a half hour drive. But we needed to get down there so we headed out.We got all the way down there and guess what... the store wasn't open. They didn't have their hours posted on the door. We figured when we got home we would see if they were closed for Mother's Day or whatever. We hit the bank on the way home. When we got inside we checked the company website and we had only gotten there a half hour early. Seriously? It takes us that long to get home. Fuck. So we headed back out. Finally we got what we needed and after that we went grocery shopping.

Master loved the fact that I wore that top and some heels.

I need to buy some more jeans and Master said I can't buy anymore heels until I start wearing the ones I have now more often. He picks on me about it because I was never one of those girls that own a lot of purses or shoes. Well, I still only have one purse. I have one pair of sneakers and one pair of sandals. I have three pairs of heels currently. One of them are a pair of boots with stilettos, the pair I wore today are a normal pair of heels with a cage type look to them and the last pair are a nice suede boot.

But now that I have heels and want a couple of more I need more jeans that I could wear with them and some new dresses and skirts. I plan on setting some money aside in an upcoming paycheck in order to go to Goodwill and buy some.

Freebies

I know damn well I've talked about how frugal and/or cheap I am. I'm always excited about a good deal, ya know?

Well yesterday I came home from work and I discovered that we suddenly had patio furniture. I was shocked, to say the least. I've never had patio furniture. It is two chairs, a loveseat sized bench and a table. The chairs and loveseat have cushions. They are really comfortable. But like I said I was shocked. I knew damn well Master didn't just go out and buy them. Needless to say He told me about it while I still had the "what the fuck" look on my face.

One of our neighbors is moving from her apartment into another apartment in the complex in order to live with her boyfriend. Apparently she was getting rid of some of her things since he already had furniture, etc. So she gave it to us for free. Rock on! They aren't brand new or anything but it is a nice set. So for the first time in my adult life I now have patio furniture! All we have is a slab of concrete and a little bit of grass but we have patio furniture! I'm very happy. We've already enjoyed sitting outside and just talking. Before when we would sit out there it was just on the concrete step. It was still nice but not very comfortable after a while.

Then today we went to my mother's house to celebrate mother's day. While we were down there we were telling her about our "new" patio furniture and she was really happy for us. We said we just wish we had a charcoal grill. For the longest time we didn't think we could have one here. We've been living here for over seven years and this entire time we thought it would be allowed. Well, apparently we can. So that's what put the idea in our head.

My mother said that they had a spare one. It is a small one. It's a little bit bigger than a camping size charcoal grill. We were so happy! She had bought a bigger one not that long ago. I thought she had gotten rid of the small one so I had never asked about it. But she kept it and now it's ours!

So tonight we went outside and sat on our patio furniture while Master cooked brats on the grill. Perfect way to end a Saturday.

Tied Down

This post has nothing to do with work except for the fact that the conversation started in the carpool on the way home. Two of the people in the carpool are not married and a bit younger than me and the other person in the carpool is married and slightly older than me by maybe a couple of years. So the conversation started with the usual "So any plans for the night?" It's almost routine at this point.

I said I wasn't doing anything but relaxing at home. Then the guy who is married in the carpool said that he and his wife are going out to celebrate their "regular" anniversary. By regular I mean the anniversary that marks when they first got together rather than their wedding anniversary.

So, the guy in the carpool who isn't married asked what the point was. Apparently they are marking eight years together. Good for them! (No, that is not sarcasm.) Both the single people didn't understand why anyone would bother after that long.

So I brought up that Master and I have been together for nine years and it's always worth celebrating. They didn't get it. They asked how long the married guy and his wife had been married. They are coming up on two years of marriage in November.

They asked me and I told them five years. The girl in the carpool asked how old I was when we got married. I told her I was 24 years old at the time. She is 22 and said she couldn't imagine being "tied down" at that young of an age.

All I said was that it's not being tied down if you really love that person and the wedding just makes it "official".

It wouldn't have mattered if we got married or not. I'm sure Master and I would still be together to this day. I also know that I am very, very happy that we did get married and that we've reached the milestones that we have. It's hard to believe that it'll be a decade next year.

I sometimes wonder why people who are younger than me think it's a bad idea to get married so young. I personally did not feel I was "too young" to get married. I remember a friend of ours at the time of the wedding saying no one should get married before they are 30. Why? I have no idea.

I guess with the family I have it just seems normal to get married younger than 25.

My parents got married at 19. They were high school sweethearts. They lasted 25 years before my dad decided he wanted a divorce. My paternal grandparents got married when they were 18. They were together until my grandmother passed away at the young age of 54. My grandfather never got remarried or even thought about dating. She was his one and only. My great grandparents were married right out of high school and were together ever since. When they died my great-grandmother was 91 and my great-grandfather was 89. They died at the same time.

My brother is the only one who hasn't been married. He is 26. Although he is starting to talk about getting married to his current girlfriend. They haven't even been together for a year yet though and aren't living together so I just told him to wait until after they are living together and then think about it. To me it makes more sense to live together first so you know whether or not you can stand that person 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.

Secret Library

Master and I just got done watching a rather odd yet interesting movie. I guess you would call it a horror movie. It's called "Don't Be Afraid of the Dark".

Well, in this movie there is a very old house and at one point they find a hollow wall and breakthrough to discover that there is an old basement. There are gardens everywhere and odd paintings and woodcarvings. It's just an interesting looking house.

This movie made me think about when I was a kid and I always thought it would be so cool to live in an old mansion style house and find secret libraries and secret rooms. I would dream about a never ending mystery to the house. I would find something new wherever I looked. I would keep the rooms my secrets so that they were mine and mine alone. Especially the old libraries.

Of course as a child I never really realized how expensive an old as hell house would be, let alone the fact that there probably wouldn't be any secret rooms even if I did buy a house like that.

But when I was a kid I would tell myself that one day I would own an old house with a lot of land and gardens with odd sculptures and the gardens would be mostly overgrown. Why overgrown? I have no idea. Probably because it seemed more magical to me at the time.

I would just walk for hours in the gardens and go into my secret library to read and no one would know where I was.

I've always wanted a room that was nothing but a library. The kind of library that has those ladders on wheels so you can move around the room to the different books. I always pictured the library having nothing but old leather bound books where you couldn't really read the titles anymore because they were so old and read so many times. It would have a huge bay window that was large enough that it would have a raised couch that attached to the walls so you could lay down and read if you wanted to. I would lay there reading and enjoy the sun as it came through the stained glass windows and hear the birds as they made their nests.

I use to picture all of this in great detail as a child. I would tell my grandmother and she told me that she always wanted a library like that too.

I told my dad and he told me that it would never happen, they are too expensive. Of course as a child I had no idea what houses cost. I figured I could get one if I wanted to.

My mother would just smile and ask me small questions as I babbled on about it.

Now as an adult, the thought of owning a huge old house makes me go into practical mode rather quickly.

It would be too expensive to own. The property tax alone would kill me. The heating, water and electric bills would be absolutely insane.

You know, that kind of thinking.

But the library idea? I would still love that, practical or not.

What To Do

When I was growing up in my hometown I quickly realized that it was boring as hell. A constant complaint was "There's nothing to do!" I think every teenager says that. But after awhile, aside from going to see a movie or hang out in a park there didn't seem to be a lot to do. As I got older I would think to myself, "Well, if I move to a different city it'll be better. There will be more to do there."

Well, two years into our relationship I moved in with Master. He lived two counties away from my home town. And at first, there did seem to be more to do. Still go see movies and stuff but we'd just go out to go out. Everything was new and exciting on different levels. I was also only 22 years old at that time so I could go to bars and all that. So that was also new to me. Master had lived here a rather long time by the time I moved up but since everything was new and exciting to me, He enjoyed showing me things and taking me places.

I've been living here for seven years now. And nope, it's back to how it was when I was growing up. Been there. Done that.

But I've come to accept the fact that it will always be that way. We could move into a different city and at first it would be new, there would be things to do where ever we looked. Why? Because we hadn't been to those particular places or done those particular things. But then you've lived there for an extended period of time and guess what? Yep, it's back to that whole "What do you wanna do?" ... "I don't know, what do you want to do?"

You try and think of something, one person suggests something and the other doesn't like the idea or you both think of something and quickly realize that no, that doesn't sound like any fun at all.

We were actually doing that today. We were trying to think of something to do. No movies are playing that we want to see, so that was out. Bars don't sound any fun. I can't drink due to my medications and Master isn't a big drinker anyway. We didn't want to go out to eat. We have food in the house so why bother?

We thought, briefly, of inviting one of our few remaining friends up but then we threw that idea out the window. He is the one getting married in November. So we knew that if he did come up either one of two things were going to happen.

One: He would come up by himself and then just yammer on about the wedding.

Two: He would come up with his fiance and we'd just hear about the wedding.

Now, it's not that we think people shouldn't be excited about their upcoming wedding. You should be. We were about ours. But, the problem is that we really, really do not like his fiance. She doesn't really like us either. I don't think she's very happy about the idea of Master being a best man. But oh well.

Well, if she doesn't like us, why would she come up, right? Because she thinks that we are a bad influence on her husband-to-be. So she may just want to come up to make sure we don't taint him further.

Another question may be then why are we going to the wedding if we don't like the bitch. Well, he is Master's friend since high school. He's been there for Master. And he's been there for both of us. So we will go. 

Anyway, we couldn't really think of anything to do. We both wanted to take our dog for a walk but it was too chilly out. We thought about sitting on the patio with him but cancelled that idea for the same reason. We don't want to get sick and we don't want to get our dog sick.

So we simply went for a short drive just to get out of the apartment. Since then we've been talking and watching Netflix.

I hope the weather is better tomorrow. I really would love going for a walk.

Drained

I've done quite a bit of overtime this week. I was okay until today. I went in two hours early and I was having a hell of a time waking up. Soda wasn't working. Coffee wasn't working. Nothing was giving me a kick start. So it wasn't until about noon that I actually started feeling fully functional. Thankfully the work week is over. Now I have two days to be lazy. Master and I don't have any errands to run. We don't have any family to visit. It's just going to be a lazy weekend. Although at some point this weekend I'm hoping it's nice enough to have the front patio door cracked open without it being too chilly.

I wish I knew what the hell to write about. I know, I'm on the every other day blog posting now but today my mind is just kind of mush. I'm honestly surprised that I haven't crashed yet. I've been sleeping okay but for some reason I just feel absolutely drained.

I don't think it's just the work week. I mean until today I've been fine. Then today comes and I just to to be a bump on a log.

It might have something to do with the weather. It was hot out yesterday and today it was chilly. Weird. I asked Master if I promise to do a post tomorrow if I can cut this one short. He agreed. So I'll see you tomorrow.

Clean Up Pretty Nice

Normally at my job we have an extremely relaxed dress code. We wear jeans and t-shirts basically. Well, today and tomorrow we have clients coming through the building so we have to dress in professional attire. No big deal. Thankfully I actually have some now thanks to my mother. She had originally bought them for me in order for me to go on job interviews. Well, the job hunt is on hold for right now. Either way though, I have some really nice professional clothing. So that came in handy today and will again tomorrow. It was rather odd, honestly, getting dressed this morning. Thankfully I picked out my outfit last night before I went to bed, so I wouldn't have to fumble around in the closet and possibly wake up Master. It was just so weird.

But I do have to say that I clean up rather nicely. You know, when I'm dressed regularly, you see my ink and what not and most people judge me immediately. Some people think I'm some punk "kid". I say kid because some people still think I'm in my early 20's. I'm 29, and no that's not old, but still. For an example I was down by my mother's not that long ago and we were bumming around. Mom ran into a woman she knows and they talked for a little bit. It was a quick, "Hi, how are you?" kind of thing. I held back and just as quickly as it started the conversation was finished. My mom told me yesterday that she ran into that same person today. That lady had asked who I was. My mom of course explained that I'm her daughter. The lady asked how old I was (odd question) and Mom told her. Her response? "She doesn't look a day over 20."

I'm not saying that's a bad thing, I'm just explaining that some people still think that I'm just out of high school when they see me.

But when I'm dressed nice I look like a totally different person. At least to me.

You can't see my ink or anything. It's just weird to see myself in dress pants and a nice top.

Master kind of gave me shit about it today when I got home. He was outside talking to some neighbors and came to meet me on the sidewalk as I walked up. He poked fun at me a little bit.

The one thing that really sucks about having to dress nice right now is that it's hot out. And because I can't wear short sleeve shirts I was roasting at my cubicle because they couldn't figure out the damn air conditioning. It was hot the first three hours. Then it was cold for two hours. Then it went right back to being hot in there. Fucking hell.