May 30, 2012

Sanity Is Relative

Every morning before I go to work I have to leave Master a note telling Him what my mood is. Obviously, it might change by the time I get home, but He likes the notes in the morning so He knows where my head was at right before I leave. My note this morning said something along the lines of just being kind of blah and sluggish. I wasn't down or bummed out or anything like that. Just... blah.

He called me while I was at work to check in. He does that sometimes. Sometimes it's because He wants to see how I'm doing, other times it's because He just wanted to say hi. Most of the time it's both. 

He asked me how my day was going and I told Him it was just a usual work day. He asked if I was okay and I said yes. I was being honest. He told me that He just wanted to make sure because I sounded down. I reassured Him that I wasn't down, just sluggish. Coffee wasn't even helping today. That's pretty damn bad.

I like that He keeps such close tabs on me though. At first, when I first got on my medication it was annoying. It's not that He was annoying me it was the fact that I was having to change my habits so I didn't automatically answer with "Nothing."

Master hates that word by the way. Absolutely hates it. I said it so much over the years when something was actually wrong that He wants that word removed from my vocabulary.

But it's a good thing that Master asks these questions and since early on I had to change my habit of just throwing an answer out there without even thinking, I've become better at actually looking inward to see whether or not something is actually bothering me. I know for most people that sound be as easy as breathing, but for me it took some time. And now I'm much better about it. I've had a lot less automatic answers just tumble from my lips when He asks me how I'm feeling or if something is bothering me.

My answers are getting quicker because I'm trying to keep track of how I'm feeling throughout the day. That way I know and I can answer Him without having to think about it for fifteen minutes. Also, if something is bothering me I make sure to tell Master. I shouldn't wait for Him to ask. I should come to Him with it. It makes my life easier and makes it so Master doesn't have to worry as much.

Not that long ago He mentioned that I should be doing more with my online mood tracker. Every night, as part of my routine, I got to my mood tracker and make an entry. I was doing fine with the actual mood selection but it also gives you a space to type a paragraph about how your day was or what's on your mind. Well, I hadn't been typing much in that little paragraph box. Master wanted me to correct that. So I've been trying to type a little bit about the day and if something affected me, I am writing that down.

I don't always type about such things in my blog, so my mood tracker is the next best thing. Also, Master or myself can go through all the dates and the more I type in there the more we can see a pattern, if there is one.

Why patterns? Well, about two years before I started taking my medication Master started to notice that I was on this pattern of how my moods were. He told me He could set His clock by them. I would be fine for about two to three months and then all hell would break loose again.

I haven't really had that problem since then, but better safe than sorry.

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