Freaking Out & Calming Down

I don't understand how my own mind works to be perfectly honest.

In the face of some things, which doesn't really seem to have rhyme or reason to it, I can be calm, cool and collected. This mainly has to do with Master's health. Somethings up with Him, and I get this cold feeling running through me and I'm all business.

Finances? It depends. Sometimes I'm like "We can do this!" and other times I'm like "Aaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!"

This morning, when my paycheck hit, I logged into the bank and took a look. I knew rent was covered but wasn't sure how I was going to cover the other two bills due at the beginning of the month and still have money for us to live on. I freaked. Master was asleep and my mind wasn't fully awake when I did any of this. So I think the whole not being awake thing didn't help.

My mind was spinning as to how I was gonna do this. This stuck with me through most of the morning at work. Then out of fucking no where, my mind calmed down. It grew very logical.

See I used to have a problem keeping the bank account in the black. This was in part due to not keeping a very close eye on finances, as well as our bank sucking. First we didn't realize that they were charging us $5/per month for online bill pay. They also had some other fees that they were assessing to the accounts that I still am not sure what they fuck they were for, since I never got a straight answer. And these fees came out at random times during the month. Second, their online banking thing was never accurate. And lastly, their customer service sucked. They always gave you an attitude unless you were depositing money. If you had any questions or wanted to conduct business past, "Here take my money, please!" they were cunts about it.

So three things happened that helped us keep it in the black. First, we changed banks. Oh. My. Gods! The difference in customer service was flat out amazing! Free bill pay also help. (Why the fuck people pay a monthly fee so they can pay their bills, is something I'll never understand.) Second, I started keeping any receipt we obtained when we used the debit cards and writing them all down, and keeping track of the finances that way. Then I would compare what I had written down to the online banking website. Third, we stopped paying at the pump. Fuck that only taking a dollar out and then anywhere from one to five days later take the rest out. That got us in trouble more than once before we started keeping such a close eye on things. And since that point, we have never once had an overdraft charge. Yay us! (It's been well over a year.)

And it is one of our goals to keep it that way. So I think that adds to the stress. Because seriously who wants to pay the bank money when you don't have to? Right? Right.

So anyway, my mind calmed down and I was like, "Okay maybe this bill will let me push the due date a little bit." You see, the due date is the 9th and my paycheck is that Friday. So I was like, "Yeah they should totally let me do that."

That freed up some money. And then I started thinking about it and I was like, "Wait a damn minute, my math must be off somewhere from this morning when I was partially brain dead because I hadn't had caffeine yet." So I redid my math and sure as shit I was off by some $50.00. Cause ya know, doing math when you've only been awake for 15 minutes is never a bright idea.

So I calmed the hell down.

Master picked me up from work and we dropped off the rent check. Isn't it amazing how bored landlords seem when you hand them a check that is worth quite a bit of your hard earned cash? Like it's freaking pennies. Blah.

When we got home we discussed the finances. I told Him, "Okay your ticket is paid. And of course rent is paid. Now I just have to call this bill and see if they will let me slide a few days from the due date."

So I called them and they had no problem with that at all. They said it was within an acceptable time from the due date.

Then I paid the other bill that is due at the beginning of the month and transferred what we had left over of my check into the main account. It's not a lot. But it'll have to do for the next two weeks. Why? Cause it's all we have.

Then Master got all of His papers organized for the unemployment hearing on Monday.

Okay so what is the point of all my ramblings about me freaking out and calming the hell down?

Well, I get panic attacks. And sometimes I think that things like finances triggers them. Which is why I freak the hell out. And then just as quickly as they hit me, they go away. And when those panic attacks hit I feel like the world around me is crashing down on my head. I can't breathe right, and it's like all of my senses are hypersensitive. It sucks.

Then I started thinking about my mom. She has an anxiety disorder and is on Xanax for it. She also takes it for depression, which I also used to suffer from. Okay, sometimes I still do but I can yank myself out of it by mentally bitch slapping myself.

Sometimes I wonder if I got these things from her, and if I should also be medicated. Then I remember, "Hey I use to be medicated for depression and I was a fucking zombie! I hated it!" Granted it wasn't Xanax I was on, it was something else that I can't remember the name of because I was last on it when I was 15.

But I don't want to go back to doctors for that shit. I really don't. We don't have the money for that shit number one, and number two I really don't want to be on meds again.

So this is my way of rambling and trying to rummage through all this shit in my head. Bleh.

Another Thursday

Last night, after my blog post I took care of the animals and put everything away. I then climbed into bed with Master and ended up crying and apologizing for how I had acted the night before. He said He understood, but that this was going to take some time.

He ended up using me. But once He got off He couldn't sleep. So He told me to go to bed and went back out into the living room.

This morning BC took me to work. I stayed the whole day and I'm feeling a lot better than I did yesterday. Today I just had a bad headache, which is probably due to the rain.

Master picked me up from work. We went home and ate dinner. Master is currently watching Earth 2 on Netflix. Me? I'm just buzzing around the internet after taking my shower.

Not a lot to say right now. Tomorrow will be a day of figuring out finances. Joy.

Not Feeling Well

Last night after Master and I had our fight, we didn't talk to each other for a while. Eventually however we did start to talk, and I was very tired and ended up getting slap happy. We cuddled in bed last night and joked around a bit.

But I know the emotional wounds are still there.

The fight we had mainly revolved around finances, and how resentment towards the situation is building. Now yes, I know we both agreed that Him quitting His job was the right decision. It was not a healthy situation to be in. And I know this. And He knows this.

Hell He was the one living it, being there sometimes up to 19 hours in one day. I hated Him working there. And I know damn well that He hated working there too. But we both thought He'd have found another job by now. I'm still glad He's not at that hell hole. It's just frustrating, as I know it is more frustrating for Him.

The only call backs He is getting is pyramid schemes or things that want you to work for commission only. And in this economy, commission only isn't going to cut it. Hell some weeks it may not even pay for your gas to get to and from work.

As I said last night I was looking for a fight. I don't know, nor do I really care if other people get that way. But I come from past relationships where fighting was a constant thing. And honestly Master and I don't fight that often. So when we do, like last night, the gloves come off and because we have been together for over 6 1/2 years... well let's just say that when you know someone that well, you know just how to hurt them. And when you love someone, and you do know how to hurt them, it hurts even more because that person knows that you love them.

I said things. Things that I truly wish I had not said. Stress regarding finances is getting to me. It sucks, and I know this. The postponement of the hearing for unemployment didn't help. I was hoping, as I know He was, that it would be done and over with now. None of this is an excuse mind you, and I know that.

This is the dangerous thing about loving someone so deeply. You hurt them, and you know that you did. And you regret it. But you also know that now, the emotional wounds are there, and the guard is up. And you aren't quite sure how to ease that tension, or how to make things right. I apologized to Him after we had calmed down. But I know that isn't enough.

Yes, we were joking around and cuddling last night. But that doesn't mean that the words don't still sting. And by that I mean the ones I was slinging. Not Him. He took the higher road.

He went for a walk after I was done to calm Himself, and then came back, told me exactly what He thought very directly and to the point. That was that. He then asked me to leave Him alone because He didn't want to bite my head off. All of this after I was a complete and utter bitch.

Then comes today.

I go to work. I had maybe four hours of sleep. Around 9:30am I start feeling dizzy and go into the bathroom. I get sick. My throat hurts. I feel like I'm sweating but I'm not actually sweating and my skin feels cool to the touch.

Who do I turn to?

My mate. The one person in this world who loves me with every fiber in His being.

I call Him and He runs me through what it could be. Up to and including PMS. Which He said (and He's right) I usually go through towards the end of the month. The minute He said that, and He didn't say it with any venom in His voice, I thought about last night and I felt like a complete ass. I am one of those women who believe that PMS is not a license to be a bitch.

I asked Him to come pick me up. I knew that we couldn't really afford for me to take the day off unpaid, but again as He said when I do get sick, because it happens so rarely, it hits me hard and it hits me fast. And I need to rest.

He picked me up without batting an eyelash. I thanked Him when He got there. He simply said, "Well how else are you going to get home?" Again no venom or anger. Just simple truth.

And when I was talking to my coworker I told her I was going to call my Hubby to see if He thought I should go home. She told me "Fuck that, just tell him you're coming home cause you don't feel well."

I told her that's not how we work. We talk about things.

Again I felt like a bitch. If I had just sat down and told Him what I've been feeling instead of looking for a fight as an excuse to get it out, things last night would have gone differently.We talk, is what I told her. And we do.

But last night I didn't. Last night I lashed out.

And when He was telling me, after His walk, what He was thinking He told me to grow up. That stung, but I needed to hear it. If I had been acting like I was grown, instead of like a teen punk who wanted to fight for the sake of fighting, I would have had the sense of mind to go, "Babe, we need to talk. I'm stressing out and I need Your words and I need Your comfort."

He has sacrificed a lot for us. Because He loves me. I know He has. And I hate that He has had to.

I feel guilty because we are in this situation, financially. I feel like I should be doing better for us, money wise. I feel like I'm not making enough money. I've made a lot less, believe me. But when we're scraping by I feel that sting of, "Kitten, you should do more." And I think know that played into last night. I feel I'm not doing enough. And so again, that lash out. Because it's easier to lash out at everything else instead of analyzing what is going on in your head. I did this after the fight. I should have done it before and told Him all of this.

He doesn't make me feel that way. He never tells me, "You're not doing enough!" He always says, "It's not just on your shoulders babe." or "You're doing your best, and that's all you can do."

I have nothing of value to sell besides the car. And we need the car. We have the computer, but we need that as well. So many places want you to submit your applications online these days.

But off of that subject.

When Master got me home today He immediatley started telling me what to do. "Take your temperature. Okay that's fine. Take a tylenol in case you get a fever, and take a benadryl in case it's sinuses. Eat something small in case it's your blood sugar. Now rest, and drink lots of fluids."

He only ever has my best interests in mind.

Gods I love Him so much. And I hurt Him. Why did I do that? Why did those words have to be spat out? Why couldn't I have come to Him in a respectful and loving manner?

I am so sorry. So, so sorry.

I know He still loves me. I asked Him that last night. And He said yes. He has proven it time and time again. He has always had my back.

"Oh you have a job that stresses you out to the point that you want to break down and cry, but you found a different job that is much less stressful, but you have to take over a $2 an hour paycut? Do it!"

He let me do that.

And I repay Him for all of His sacrifices and all of His support with ungratefulness.

It's not that we can't get past this. I know that we can. We have gotten past so much worse. But for now the wounds are fresh and my guilt is deep.

I love You my mate. And for all that I have said, and all I have done, I am truly sorry. And I will show You that I am, and that I can be better.

 

Tonight Sucked

Sometimes the smallest things can trigger a fight.

Tonight, that is exactly what happened.

I fully admit I was looking for one. And I got it.

He now wants to be left alone for the rest of the night and doesn't want to talk.

After the fight He went for a walk. When He got back from the walk, He said what He had to say, and then wanted to be left alone.

That's all I have to say right now.

Mother. Fucker.

So...

I go into work today and it's raining out. It was dreary out. And I wasn't as tired as I thought I was going to be but still would have rather been in bed since it was just the weather for staying in and not doing much, ya know?

So my day is going along, and it's going rather quickly for a change. Then shortly after lunch Master calls my work phone and it's about a 20 second conversation. It goes something like this:

Master: "I got a call from unemployment. Cancel your requested days off. Don't ask any questions. I'll call you back soon."

Me: *confused as hell* "Uh. Okay."

Master: "Love you. Bye."

*click*

You see, I had requested tomorrow off because of the unemployment hearing. I then had also requested Wednesday off, just for shits and giggles.

So I keep doing my work. I fully admit that I did not immediatley cancel both vacation days because I figured at that point in time Master didn't have all the info He needed, which is why He had to call me back. Plus I knew I could cancel them at any time between right then, and the end of the work day which was about 3 hours away.

So Master calls me back about a half hour later to explain what the hell was going on.

Well apparently the judge who was going to hear our case tomorrow had a medical emergency. So they canceled our hearing. Hence the Mother. Fucker. title of this particular post.

Now while I understand that the judge had an emergency, and that sucks, but um... you mean there are no other judges who could have done it tomorrow? There really isn't a lot of information to review. Seriously.

So then Master goes on to explain that originally they were going to postpone the hearing until the end of fucking November. At which point, Master very politely (which surprises me a little cause I know He was lit when He heard that bit of information), stated that we had already been waiting two months for the hearing that was supposed to happen tomorrow. He asked if there was any way possible that we could get that moved up.

So the clerk that He was talking to (who thankfully was very nice according to Master) took a look at her calender and said maybe November 9th. Okay, that's a bit better. She then puts Master on hold, comes back and says, "Oh sorry. Nevermind, the 9th is all booked up."

They talk a little more and again Master is put on hold. When she comes back she tells Master that she has an opening for November 2nd. So He says that would be fine. She says, "Okay, as long as your former employer says that date works for them as well." So she tells Master that she has to call them and then call Him back.

At that point is when Master called me with the 20 second conversation. He then sits there waiting on pins and needles until she calls back. Thankfully His former employer (the other party in this case) said that would be fine.

So the hearing has been moved to November 2nd. Now while this is only a one week postponement, it still sucks balls. And not in a good way.

We need this money. And while we both realize that the hearing does not guarantee that we will win our case, we do realize that it will lead us to the final decision that much sooner. And since the court can take up to two weeks to come to a decision, after the hearing, and let us know what that decision happens to be... Yeah. It's just prolonging this process and our stress/anxiety over the situation.

So in regards to my vacation days, I kept tomorrow off. Why? Well a few reasons.

1. It seemed a little late to be canceling it.

2. I could really use the extra day off to take care of some other things and help Master put job applications off. Not to mention as we were/are nearing the hearing date my shoulders are becoming more and more like rocks due to anxiety. Thank you very much fibromyalgia.

3. I had already told BC that I wouldn't need a ride to work tomorrow, and I don't have parking money and/or gas money to be driving down there.

Then I canceled having Wednesday off and switched it to next Monday, which is the new hearing date.

The clerk said that she would be mailing out the papers to us today or tomorrow so we had something physical on it with the new hearing date and time. So we should have them tomorrow or Wednesday.

Master is not in the best of moods. And I'm just stressing.

Getting Ready

We had been procrastinating on getting the paperwork ready for the unemployment hearing that is happening on Tuesday. Honestly, we didn't have a lot to get together but we just kept putting it off.

Well yesterday I had gone through the three drawer organizer next to our computer desk. It was organized when we first got it, like a year ago. *cough* But since then I hadn't been to good on keeping up with it. So I went through it yesterday. Oh. My. Gods. There was tons of paperwork in there that we simply did not need anymore. So I threw that shit out. I also organized our tax papers and paycheck stubs from past jobs. (I keep those for employment verification and tax purposes. I'm obsessed about shit like that since one of my former jobs would not confirm my past employment with them. Because they are complete assholes. So ha fuckers I have my paycheck stubs and my w-2! So take that!)

I found some paperwork that we needed for the hearing and put that with the rest of the stuff yesterday as well.

So today I finally typed up the paper of key points that hopefully Master will get a chance to bring up. I've never filed for unemployment myself, and this is the first time Master has done it where He needed to go to an appeal. I also found a copy of the reason we stated we wanted an appeal for this and we are going to bring that along as well.

I keep saying we. This is Master's unemployment hearing, and I'm basically there for moral support. And hopefully to confirm certain things via conversations I was a part of, that is if the judge doesn't declare it hearsay. But as with all things, we do it together.

So once that was all done, I felt a bit better. Master doesn't seem nervous about this at all. Mean while I am nervous. Why? No idea. Probably because I know even once the hearing is over we have to wait for a decision to be reached and sent to us. *sigh* We could really use this money. So any thoughts and/or good luck would be greatly appreciated! Thank you!

Okay so off of the mundane and onto the kinky!

Last night Master and I had incredible sex at 4am after which we promptly passed the hell out. Master had a cold sore for the past week, and now that it's finally gone, His mouth has been making up for lost time. ;-)

And then today, after all my boring stuff was done Master came over to me, grabbed my hair and led me to the bedroom for another round of great sex!

I'm a happy kitten.

Today Went By Fast

Why is it that the weekend days always go by so quickly, but work days hardly ever do? It's not fair. *pouts*

Last night I was passed out on the floor. Master stayed up a bit before waking me up and ordering me to go to bed with Him, where we quickly curled up and fell asleep.

We slept until damn near 12:40pm. *gasp* That is like unheard of. I mean, normally I sleep in until about 11am or 12pm on the weekends, but damn near 1pm? Yeah. That's crazy. Apparently this past week took more out of me than I thought.

Today Master and I have chilled around the apartment. We had dinner, watched a fucked up movie and now Master is playing His video game. I've been dicking around with free games online and that's pretty much been that.

ST wanted to come over. He was in town for today. Well, he didn't have his car and was on the complete opposite side of town. He said he would toss us some gas if we would pick him up. Neither Master or myself really felt like doing that. ST wanted to come over and hang out. But then hinted that he also wanted to spend the night and then get a ride back to the opposite side of town in the morning so one of his relatives could take him back home (which is like a 2 hour drive).

The more I heard about this, the more I really disliked the idea. First off he was already whiny on the phone. Joy. On top of that he is like the worst house guest ever in the history of house guests.

He wants to bum cigs (he never, ever has any of his own), he wants to go out to dinner but never has money, he leaves wrappers, empty soda cans, and one time left a half bag of oreo cookies on the floor that we didn't know about. Hello dumb ass we have a dog! Chocolate + dog who eats everything he can = bad fucking idea. He doesn't clean up after himself and then when he uses the shower in the morning he's in there for two hours and uses all the towels.

Yeah. So did not want him spending the night.

So I put the brakes on that whole idea. I told him he wanted to come over that was fine, and we would pick him up, but he wasn't spending the night and he'd have to find a way back to where ever the hell he was going. So he got all Eeyore on me but eventually said "Maybe next time."

Whenever ST calls Master never wants to talk to him on the phone, because of his whole "woe is me" attitude. It's quite depressing. The joys of being the secretary some days. *laughs*

But I'm enjoying having the whole day with Master, and Master only. :-)