Frustrated

I'm just a bit frustrated right now. My father and uncle asked for both Master and I to meet them out at my grandfather's yesterday and today to help them finish sorting through things out there in preparation for the estate sale. They finally picked a date for that. Well, I guess I should say dates. At first it was going to be a one day sale. Then they decided to make it two days. Now? Oh, well now is three damn days. Seriously? *sigh* They are having it two weekends from this upcoming weekend. It's as if all of a sudden they went, "Holy shit it's damn near August... maybe we should get this shit done." I don't know why it took them both this long to get a fire under their ass because the house has been technically sold for over two months now. The buyer is simply waiting for them to finish doing what they are doing before handing over the money and moving in. And my uncle has been saying how badly he wants to get back to his apartment rather than living out at Grandpa's place and yet they keep dragging their feet.

I just work totally different than my father or uncle. When things need to get done I want it done now. That way I know it's done and I can move forward with whatever task is next or I can just relax. Especially when it's something this important. I understand that it's weird and awkward to be going through your childhood home and sorting through things before Grandpa's even gone, however that was their decision so why not get it done sooner rather than later. The way they have been doing it is basically just dragging the weirdness and feeling of being uncomfortable out. Treat it like a band aid... rip it off. That may sound cold but it's how I see it. And keep in mind that it is my grandparents house and it's odd and uncomfortable for me to be out there knowing Grandpa isn't coming home ever again and here we are clearing it out and about to sell it. I still sometimes see the hospital bed that was in the living room while my grandmother was suffering from cancer. It's like an overlay of what is actually there, which is the couch.

Anyway...

We actually got quite a bit done yesterday. But it was still annoying because my father, my Husband, and myself are trying to knock out as much as we can but my uncle decides he wants to test all of the Christmas lights to make sure they work before they sell them. Mother fucker you can do that when no one is there. Why not utilize everyone while we're all there rather than that piddly shit you can do when no one is around.

Then we go there today and we pull up and no one is there. The house is all locked up so Master and I just sat on the front porch. My dad showed up about 10 minutes later. No big deal. But my uncle wasn't anywhere to be found and he had left his cell phone there so we had no way of getting a hold of him. We sat in the living room for a little while before starting in. We cleaned out the entire den and then went into the basement where there is a cubby hole/crawl space. It's pretty damn big actually. I crawled in there and started handing things through the opening in the wall. It literally took us a little over two hours to go through everything in there. And there was still shit left and it was only left because it was my uncle's and he still hadn't shown up.

When he did finally get there all he did was take down the little bit of Christmas lights from the basement walls and took a clock off the wall. That was it. Again shit he could be doing when no one is there. We were pretty much done with the entire crawl space before he got there. Prior to him showing up we had all agreed that once we were done with that we'd go home. But since he showed up before hand, once we were finished, we went into the living room and chilled for a few minutes thinking that he would want to start in on something and would need our help. Finally after about 20 minutes I asked, "Is there anything else we are going to do today?" My uncle's response was, "Nope. I don't want to do anything today."

*shakes head* So we went home.

It shouldn't piss me off so much but it does because we planned these past two days around my uncle's schedule. And for him not to be there today until literally the very end and not want to do anything is bullshit. We were there for four and a half hours before he showed up! My dad asked him where he had been because he was annoyed about it too and apparently he had decided to go visit a friend of his to play video games. *raises eyebrow* This man is in his 50 years old and decided to go play video games with his friend rather than doing important shit with family members that planned to be there around his damn schedule.

Whatever...

Right before we got into our cars to leave my dad asked me if we could help again next week. Sure. Why the hell not. Honestly if this didn't need to get done I wouldn't be helping as much as I am. I try to bend over backwards to help out family when I can. But this is getting a bit ridiculous. However, I literally have nothing better to do and if this shit doesn't get done they are just going to push everything back again and drag this shit out some more. I guess it wouldn't feel so ridiculous if this had been done sooner and hadn't been dragged out this long.

Flirting & Molesting

Yesterday Master and I had been flirting a little bit here and there. He had molested my tits a couple of times throughout the day as well. It has been a while since we've done anything really like that. Don't get me wrong, we've been affectionate. It's just that we hadn't really flirted. It may sound stupid since we've been together for 11 1/2 years but I think it is a sign of a healthy relationship if every now and then ya flirt with your significant other.

Towards the early morning hours He was sitting at the computer. We were both naked by that point since all of the shades were drawn and we just wanted to be comfortable. I walked over to hug Him and I rested against Him. As I did so He tried to get my tit into His mouth but I giggled because my arm was in the way and I didn't move.

He laughed too and then told me to get my ass to the bedroom. I smiled and turned around to walk towards the bedroom. As I did so He smacked me on the ass. 

I got to the bedroom first and got comfortable. When He climbed into bed He hovered over me before taking my tit into His mouth and chomping down with His teeth. He alternated between using His tongue and lips to using His teeth. I love it when He mixes it up like that.

Once He was done He asked if I wanted to be eaten out. Yes, I know some people would find it odd that He asks since He's the one in charge, but that's how He is. Sometimes He just what He wants and sometimes He asks for my preference and makes His decision from there. I said that I would rather just be fucked. He commented on the fact that I hadn't really been in the mood for receiving oral in about a month. Honestly I hadn't thought about it or realized it. I just haven't been in the mood for it I guess. No reason. *shrugs* Dunno.

He wasn't exactly rough with me while we fucked but He wasn't exactly gentle either. *smirks* He had it so that my legs were straight up with my ankles resting on His shoulders while He leaned forward. It felt great but my legs weren't really liking it. I hate it when something feels great but then something like that happens. So He knelt up to take some pressure off of them. The rest of it went off without a hitch, thankfully. He eventually had me contorted again but in such a way that my legs were bent so that we wouldn't have a repeat of earlier.

Afterward we went back out to the living room for a while longer before finally calling it a night.

I will say that our sex life has been hit harder from everything that is going on than I originally realized. It's not like either of us are shying away from the other on purpose. Our affection levels haven't gone down at all. It's just the sex. I don't think it's conscious at all. It's just a side effect from everything. I don't feel slighted about it and I don't believe He does either. At least He hasn't said that He is. And I'm pretty sure He would have if He felt that way. It'll pick back up. I'm not even worried about it. Do I wish it was a bit more active? Yes. But it's not anyone's fault. It's not as if one is begging for it and the other is pushing it off. That's not the case at all. It's just how things are right now.

Tired Broken Record

The weather has been fucking with me today. I went down to my mother's to help her run a rummage sale. One minute I was chilly and the next minute I felt warm and sticky (not in a fun way) because suddenly it was very, very muggy. It would only feel chilly when the wind picked up and of course that seemed to be coming in sudden bursts out of no where. It also doesn't help that it feels like it is going to rain, but the weather doesn't say anything about it and it was supposed to rain last night but didn't.

Fuck you weather.com. You lying son of a whore.

I didn't get a lot of sleep last night. It was mostly that in and out kind of sleep where you are never completely asleep. Then again my stomach absolutely hated me most of the night last night so it's no wonder I didn't sleep well.

I've been taking naps shortly after dinner the past few nights. Why? Not sure. Most likely stress. There is just too much on both of our minds and as a result at night I'm sleeping like shit but then I feel drained through the day and take a nap. Rinse and repeat. So far today I haven't taken a nap. Then again it's still pretty early and I got a lot of fresh air today.

Right now I feel the beginnings of a migraine coming on but tonight is the night I'm supposed to do a blog post so I figured that I might as well get it done before it turns into a full blown migraine.

There are really no actual updates and typing out anything else on my mind would be nothing but repeating myself like a damn broken record. I just keep waiting for the day that I actually have some good news. Hopefully it's soon.

Busy, Busy, Busy

Yesterday we went out to my grandfather's. When my dad had originally asked us to come down he stated that it was so we could sort through things to get them ready for the estate sale. He asked us to be there between noon and one. No problem. We got there just a few minutes after noon. My uncle had been pulling things out of the basement for a couple of hours before we got there. But there was a lot more to bring up. I helped where I could but a lot of it was either too heavy or too awkward for me to carry. I felt bad about it but there wasn't really anything I could do and both Master and my uncle are obviously used to my limitations when it comes to things like that, so there weren't any hard feelings. However, my father didn't show up until almost 2pm, which was annoying. He didn't really help all that much because by that point Master and my uncle and had pretty much gotten it all. So my dad and I stayed upstairs and I thought we were actually going to start sorting but instead my dad just went through a couple of boxes and found a couple more small things he wanted to take. He did however find a watch of my grandmother's that he thought I would like.

I wasn't sure which one he was talking about but as soon as I saw it I knew... It was a watch that my grandmother wore and it was my favorite. She had quite a few watches, but this one was my favorite. It's a watch with a mother of pearl face. It has four rings that you can switch out that screws onto the face. It has a regular gold one, an onyx one, one is tiger eye and the last one is abalone. It was my favorite when I was a kid simply because you could switch them out. It had been sitting in a dresser drawer in it's box for at least 20 years so it obviously needed a new watch battery but other than that it is in beautiful condition. I took it.

In fact today I took it down to a local jewelry store. I got the battery replaced and I had as many links taken off of it that I could so it would fit me. My grandmother's wrists were quite a bit bigger than mine. It fits now, but it fits more like a bracelet than it does a watch. That's fine. They couldn't make it a tight fit because of how large it was to begin with and how large the links themselves are. My wrists are tiny. I typically don't like gold (it's gold plated) but in this very rare instance I think it looks really nice. I plan on wearing it when I'm not at home. I don't see the point in wearing it around the apartment when we are surrounded by clocks.

Anyway.. back to yesterday... 

Shortly after my uncle and Master were done bringing stuff out of the basement and putting them where they could we all sat down outside and talked. By the way, I don't think my grandfather ever threw out a Christmas tree before buying a new one. Holy shit...

After a couple of hours of sitting and talking Master and I looked at one another and He said, "If there isn't anything else to move we should probably get going..." Apparently that's all they wanted to do that day so Master and I headed home. Then my dad calls me today. He caught me between our running errands. I had just returned from getting the watch done. I told him that I had gotten it resized and that it works now. He was very happy to hear that. He called to ask if we would be able to come down again next week to help sort. I said yes, as long as I don't have a job interview. He told me that it would actually be sorting rather than just bringing stuff up out of the basement. He told me that he wants to get it to the point where after that day all they have to do is set stuff up on tables for the estate sale and that's that. Whether that's what actually happens I don't know. I asked him if he knew what day and he said he had to wait until either this upcoming Sunday or Monday because that is when they know my uncle's work schedule. I said that was fine.

After I got off the phone with him Master and I went grocery shopping, took the dog for a walk, and then did the dishes. I also had to pick up our dog's heart work for the month. It's been a busy day.

After I did my last post Master commented on it. He was basically glad I had come to that conclusion. I have tried to keep the leash in mind and I think I'm doing okay. Master hasn't said otherwise. And honestly I do feel better now that I am doing so. Master appears to be a bit more relaxed since then too. Granted it's only been two days, but still. I can already feel the change in my own stress levels.

Keeping The Leash In Mind

It seems like our life has been nothing but stress lately. I'm not exaggerating or trying to get sympathy. It's just how it is right now. And given everything that is going on Master has been loosening the leash more and more. It's not one of those situations where He is giving me enough rope to hang myself by it. He is trying to ease up on my stress by backing that particular aspect of our relationship off. And honestly, I know I've been taking advantage of that. I don't mean to. I truly don't. But I know I am.

He's not doing it "only" because of the situation with my grandfather. There is a metric fuck ton of other shit going on right now and it all adds to the other, creating this snowball effect that is threatening to bury us both at this point. We are doing our best to make sure it doesn't but so much is out of both of our hands that there isn't much we can do about it.

As a result, like I said, Master has been doing everything He can to make sure that nothing is added to all of this. I've ran with it. I know that He didn't let up on the dynamic so I can run around free of the leash, but it sometimes feels like I am and it's not His fault. It's all on me.

I will fully admit that there are some things that I need to be able to express without the leash in mind. And that is all well and good. But by my taking advantage of it, it has kind of defeated the purpose and honestly only hurt the situation. I know it adds to His stress, which isn't fair.

I need to keep the leash in mind more. After all, it'll lessen His stress and it will most likely make me feel better as well. For all I know it's adding to mine as well because I don't really have a structure that I'm following.

Now, that doesn't mean that I won't feel the need to pull away from the leash at times in certain situations but that's not the point. Those situations would be rather extreme at this point.

I feel horrible and ashamed that it has taken me this long to realize exactly how far off the leash I've been.  running. The man seriously deserves a medal for everything He is going through right now. He'll tell you that I'm going through more on an emotional level and all that but still....

I need to correct myself. I need to keep the leash in mind as much as I possibly can. I think having at least most of the structure back will help both of us and will make both of us feel better. And right now I think we both need something else aside from the stress to focus on.

Dragging

Yesterday was busy as hell. I went down to my mom's to help her with some things that she needed done. As soon as that was over I had to drive back home and pick up Master. About five minutes after I walked into the door we headed back out to go to His brother's. His father's side of the family was having a belated cookout to celebrate His father's birthday. It was a good time and I'm glad that we were able to go.

I had gotten a lot of fresh air yesterday so that night I passed out on the couch and when we got to bed I seemed to pass out as soon as my head hit the pillow. It had been a long but good day.

Today has kind of been like playing phone tag... but with text messages. I personally prefer text messages over a phone call if it's going to be a relatively short conversation.

My brother had been saying for about the past three weeks that he wants to come up at some point this week. I had sent him a text early last week to try and find out when. He wasn't sure at that time so I sent him another text today about it and now it's a maybe for Saturday. I'm pretty sure that's the best I'm going to get out of him at this point.

I then contacted my father to see when the estate sale is. My uncle had kind of sort of mentioned last week that it would be this upcoming weekend. I got a text back from my dad saying he doesn't think it's going to be this weekend but that they need help sorting through things. I told him that we would help and that I needed to know when. He responded telling me that he has to talk to my uncle and that he would call me later. I wonder if he will actually call tonight or if he'll send a text or if I'll hear from him tomorrow. Either way I'm just going to wait for him to get a hold of me other wise I'm chasing him again and going to get the same answer repeatedly which only frustrates me more.

It doesn't help that they keep pushing shit back when it comes to this and if it had been left up to me this would have all been done and over with a month ago. After all, it's not like they haven't had time to get this done... They are just dragging their heels. It's frustrating but I'm trying not to get pissy about it.

Also, I feel drained as hell today. I know part of it is because I'm on the rag and another part of it is because it is so damn muggy today. Whenever it's really hot and/or muggy out I feel like I'm dragging myself whenever I move. Master is feeling the same way about the weather.

Hopefully my dad will get back to me with a specific date and time for when he wants us to come down and help sort. I have no idea what is left to sort through given the fact that the house is pretty empty... It's probably just small insignificant shit that, again, could have been sorted through last month.

*deep breath*

We shall see.

Getting Lost

I've been pretty irritable today. And part of yesterday as well. I'm sure part of it is because I should be getting my period soon. Hooray. But I know that's not all of it. The rest is just well... everything. I hate being at a stand still. And that's exactly where I am. Constantly. And I have been since April. As time goes by it's only getting worse. And lately it feels like I'm sitting on a live wire and just waiting to get electrocuted. I'm not sure if that's the correct way to describe it but that's the only way I can think of doing so. The talk Master and I had not that long ago helped... But each week that goes by it builds up just a little bit more and another week goes by and it gets cranked up a little bit more. I know it's not His fault and I really try not to be so tense and irritable. But I really don't have a way of letting it go. For some reason my body isn't allowing me to cry. So that outlet isn't there. I want to scream, but can't. And I don't mean scream at someone I mean just one long wordless scream. I mean I could but the cops would most likely get called thinking I'm being murdered. My screams get pretty damn high pitched too. It would probably make Master's ears bleed. *laughs*

One thing that I want to do I can't really. I would love to just lay down on our bed with the lights off, door closed, ear buds in, with bass heavy music cranked. I could just close my eyes and focus on absolutely nothing at all. I love getting lost in music. And to me that's the only way to do it.

The reason why I can't is because we don't have anything to play music on except for our computer. I have my smart phone but that takes up some of the data plan, since we don't have wifi. I'm pretty sure I can't download and/or upload any music to my phone without a SD card, which I don't have. Actually, I'll have to look into that. This phone is still new to me. With my last one I had to have an SD card and I never bought one because I felt that it would be a waste of money. I still think it would be a waste of money.

I would love it if I could just lay down in a dark room with some King Diamond, Alice Cooper, WASP, Rob Zombie, and KISS blaring in my ears. I would be one happy chick. Listening to heavy music has always helped me. I'm sure a lot of people can relate to that. Which is exactly why I'm listening to music on the computer while I'm doing this post. I can already feel it helping. I keep rolling my neck and stretching out my arms and arching my lower back a little bit. It's helping me loosen up a little bit. I don't feel as tight.

Anyway.. the odd thing about this whole tense sensation is that I have known for a long, long time now that there is nothing I can do about it. And for a good week or so I was fine. But now it seems to be building up again. I hate my brain. I hate the situation that I am/we are in. I want to get away from it for a little while but I can't. It's not something I can just walk away from for a little while. How can I? After all it's not something I can control and it's not even a thing as it's a situation. And it's not even a situation I can walk away from. I'm surrounded by it.

Busy Day

Today we finally got all of my dad's and uncle's stuff out of my grandpa's house. Well, all the big shit anyway. I know they both still have some small minor stuff they have to grab. But all of that can fit in the trunk of a car, so neither of them were worried about that today, thankfully.

It was kind of a cluster fuck yesterday. I sent my dad a text in the early afternoon to see what time he wanted us down there. He said he was going to rent the truck and then would let me know. No problem. Then, as it got closer to 7pm, I sent him another text just asking for an update. The next thing I know my uncle calls me and asks, "Did you just text your dad?"

Yep. Well, apparently my dad had been visiting him and had accidentally left his cell phone out there. So my uncle told me that he thinks my dad said to be there between 11:30am and noon. I said no problem and thanked him. I then sent a message to my dad's next door neighbor and asked him if he could double check with my dad. He informed me that my dad had literally pulled into the driveway, got out, swore his head off, got back in his car and left. I thanked him. At that point I knew my dad was heading back out to see my uncle and get his cell phone.

About a half hour later my dad sent me a text back and said that between 11:30am and noon was fine. *laughs* But at least we got it figured out.

When we pulled up today my dad already had the u-haul truck there. We helped him put a few things in there from his house and then went to my uncle's apartment and helped him get some of his stuff in the truck. Once all that was done we headed out to my grandpa's house. We unloaded the truck of their stuff. They want to try and sell it at the estate sale, which should be in a couple of weeks.

We put all of the large stuff they were taking from Grandpa's house and put it in the truck. We stayed there for a little while to catch our breath and so that my uncle could walk Grandpa's dog. As he was doing so I looked at my dad and said, "I feel kinda bad. I wish I could take the dog." My dad said he felt bad that he couldn't either. Once the sale of my grandpa's house is done they will be giving the dog back to the no-kill breed specific shelter that Grandpa adopted him from. None of us can take him because he has a lot of health issues. He is a great dog. Very loving. But none of us can afford his vet bills.

If I knew I could I would take him in a heartbeat. I truly would. But it's not fair to an animal when you adopt them and take them into your family but can't afford the medical attention they need. I know things come up, but this wonderful dog has preexisting conditions that we already know would cost a small fortune. So my uncle is keeping him as long as he can out at my grandpa's house and then will hand him back over to the shelter. The only thing that keeps my heart from completely breaking about that is the fact that I know that they are a no-kill shelter. If it wasn't a no-kill shelter I would just take the dog and find someone who can care for him and love him.

It still does break my heart a little though. It's not his fault that his "daddy" (my grandfather) can no longer take care of him. And now he has to go back to a shelter. Even though it's a really good one, I still feel bad. I would have loved it if he could have stayed within the family, but he can't. I really wish we could adopt him. I'm sure him and our dog would get along great. *smiles* But, like I said, it wouldn't be fair to the dog since we wouldn't be able to get him the proper medical attention he needs.

After that we basically reversed the process. We went back to my uncle's and got the few things he took and got them in his apartment. We then went back to my dad's house and got all of his things put into his house. Trust me, my dad took a lot. Actually more than I originally thought he was taking. I'm not judging him at all, I was just a bit surprised.

We stayed to visit for a while after that. We finally got home around 7pm. I felt kind of bad though because I couldn't really help all that much. A lot of it was too heavy for me to carry/help carry. But I did what I could and did my best to help out even if I couldn't lift a lot.

It's getting a bit harder to go out to my grandpa's house. Especially since every time I go there is less and less there. But I'll keep doing it as long as they need me to. After all I want to help out as much as I can. It should be all said and done soon.

As far as Grandpa himself goes, the drug he was one to keep him docile, for lack of a better term, is wearing off since they can't give it to him anymore. He has started yelling and cussing people out again. He hasn't thrown anything yet. So I guess that's a good thing.

Red Alert

Master sent an update to all of His family via e-mail regarding my grandfather and explaining why we have been so absent. He explained everything, using my blog for details that He needed to include, so that they would understand. He said that we are on red alert. Which is true. I never thought about it that way, but really it's the best way to describe it.

Later on last night Master and I had a conversation regarding what is bothering both of us. He was explaining how my family is driving Him nuts. Everyone basically is coming to me to try and vent and/or pass along information. It's true and it's pretty much always been that way. I'm not sure why but I'm use to it. Master, however, is not... At least not in this way. He sees that it stresses me out. He told me that He understands that I'm doing everything I can to not shoot myself in the foot as well as walking that fine line between both of my parents. Then again since they got a divorce I have been doing that. (I was almost 17 at the time.) It has never been this bad though, so it is a lot more difficult.

I think He felt better once He got that off of His chest. I understand where He is coming from and that since I am so use to it I didn't really notice it going on. He told me that while I can't shoot myself in the foot I also can't put everyone else ahead of what I need to do to keep myself from breaking apart.

After that part of the conversation was done I had to get a few things off my chest as well. I told Him that I wish I could just break down and sob for a good long while. I'm not putting on my brave face. I'm not keeping myself so strong that I am not allowing myself to do so. I want to let go. I want to break down at least long enough to cry for a good amount of time. That may sound silly but I honestly think it would make me feel better. I don't know if it's my medication not allowing me to or what... I've been able to cry for a while but not like how I wish I could. I cry and then I shut it down. I'm not sure how, but I do it.

Master told me that it may be my medication but it may also be my subconscious basically not allowing it to happen until all is said and done. Basically I'm stopping myself without knowing it.

I also told Him that certain other things that are going on have me attempting to hope for the best but plan for the worst but I don't know when it is okay to start doing that. Basically when should I start planning for the worst, should it come to pass. It's not exactly something that I would be able to do in a day. It would take some preparation. He put me at ease, more so than He probably knows, by telling me to basically wait until the beginning of next month and then we'll start planning. It really did make me feel better. At least I know when to start and that He'll be there right with me helping me to do so. This prevents me from driving myself crazy as well as not wanting to bring it up because it's not exactly a pleasant subject. Like I said, I'm truly hoping for the best. But I'm just one of those people that have to plan for the worst as much as possible so that I know that there is an in case of emergency break glass cover.

Double It

Master and I had sex last night for the first time in what feels like forever. I know it isn't. It's been about a week to a week and a half at most. It's not as if we are not wanting to or anything it's just that all of the stress is weighing on us. And it seems to be getting worse every day. Everything is so up in the air that it is feels as if it is just doubling the amount of stress we are both experiencing. And the past few days have not helped.

I got some news yesterday about my grandfather. My uncle took him to a doctor appointment to obtain some test results. As horrible as it sounds my grandpa didn't really need to be there since he really doesn't know what is going on and both my uncle and my father have medical power of attorney; however my uncle always brings him with. I think it just makes him feel better about it.

One of the results is that my grandpa has lewy body dementia. It is in the late stages and honestly explains a lot. He was never diagnosed with it before because back when Grandpa still had control over his medical conditions the only doctors he was going to was in regards to his heart and even then he was missing some.

What does it explain exactly? His hallucinations, his violent outbursts, his confusion, and his delusions. It is somewhat related to Parkinson's. This fact also explains why he has been walking with a shuffle for a long time now as well as why he has fallen so many times with no memory of having done so.

Remember how the nursing home was giving him medication to calm him down so he wouldn't harm himself? Well, apparently they can't give that to him anymore due to this new diagnosis. This means that his violent streaks are very likely to come back.

All of those symptoms that were already showing and apparent were thought to be related to the fact that he wasn't taking his insulin and also because his heart is in such horrible condition. Well, all of that isn't helping but now we all have to realize that he has this other condition and explains a lot. So, currently, Grandpa has lewy body dementia, diabetes, a half dead heart, the connection from the brain to the heart that controls heart rate surgically severed, and a pace maker/auto defibrillator that is on a low battery. This only makes me wonder even more how this man is still breathing. Especially when there is no will power to stay here. It doesn't make sense.

However, the other piece of information I received was that the move to get all of my dad's and my uncle's stuff out of Grandpa's house is this upcoming week. They were just waiting on my uncle's work schedule. He normally gets it on Saturday's so I called him today. Oddly enough his boss didn't give him the schedule today so he should get it tomorrow. He asked me to call him back tomorrow afternoon sometime after 3pm.

Everything just seems to be on a countdown with so many life changing variables and there is nothing I can do about it but hope for the best. My ability to stay positive is weakening every day. I'm really trying to hold onto it and most of the time I can. But there are times throughout the week that it is just gone all together. Those are the times I just wish I could scream as loud as I possibly can for as long as I can. But ya know, that would only get the cops called because someone would think I was being murdered.

A Beautiful Lie

I was talking to my mother the other day when she was telling me that her husband had gone to visit Grandpa. Apparently what he had told her was that Grandpa remembered him. Well, he hasn't recognized anyone for quite some time. And if he does it's for only a few minutes. So my mother asked him some clarifying questions. The result of said questioning came out to be the fact that he was lying. Grandpa talked to him but didn't say his name at all. He had no clue who the hell he was he simply knew that someone was there and they held a conversation. Guess what? That conversation had nothing to do with anyone in the family. And when he left Grandpa said something along the lines of "Say hi to the gang for me." Again, her husband took that as he remembered everyone. No. That's not it at all. He lives anywhere in time for the past 65 years of his 74. And most of it is not anywhere near the present time. So again my mother had asked him if Grandpa mentioned anyone in particular. He said no. My mother and I both got ticked off at that. You can't say he remembers people when he is just simply interacting with you and you can't assume he remembers the people in the here and now when he has been living in the past pretty much permanently now. And by the past I mean before my mother met my father and so obviously before my brother and I were born.

Giving us false hope is not appreciated. I told my mother that he can't do that and it pisses me the hell off. She agreed with me. I guess at some point she had a talk with him about it because the next time I talked to her she told me that he understood and that he was sorry he upset all of us.

Well, I'm sorry. But I'd rather hear the horrible truth rather than a beautiful lie. I know he didn't mean to but he can't fuck with my emotions like that. He had "good intentions" but that's not a good excuse at all. And lately it doesn't take much to piss me off. I have apologized to my Husband quite a bit lately. I've told Him that I know I'm being short with Him but it's not because of Him. It's just everything else.

I'm overwhelmed. I'm constantly trying to figure out shit that I have no control of at all. And so is Master. Neither of us have been handling this all too well in the past few days. I mean we haven't been handling it well for a long time but it's just getting worse. Neither of us are sleeping really. For the past few days I'm having a hard time sleeping all night through. Most of it is that half in and out shit. But then all day long I'm tired and spacey as hell. Today is a good example.

My mother also told me that my uncle (my father's brother) told her that they are definitely moving the rest of my uncle's and my dad's shit out of Grandpa's house this upcoming week but they don't know what day yet because they don't know my Uncle's work schedule. Okay, that makes sense.

But then my Uncle continued to say that it'll be another two weeks minimum after that before they have the estate sale. To me that is just fucking stupid. To me, if you have everything out of the house that you want then you would be able to and should have the estate sale ASAP. That way it's done and over with. Why the hell would you want to prolong it? I mean if it's about paperwork then just take all that with you. It's not like you have to do it out at Grandpa's house.

I was also told that I could always contact my dad and see if I could kind of move him along. I'm sorry, but I'm not chasing that anymore. Why? Because I've tried to in the past and all I get is the whole "I know. We'll do it in two weeks." Then the two weeks come up and he pushes it off. My uncle is no better. In the beginning it all seemed like it was my dad but now I can see that some of it is my uncle as well.

So right now I'm just waiting on two phone calls. One telling me exactly when they need help moving shit and the other telling me when the hell the sale is so I can be out there. The only other call to wait on, as horrible as it sounds, is the one telling me that my grandfather has passed away.

Spinning

Well, last night I was unable to fall asleep until a little after 4am. I tried to go to bed when Master did but I kept tossing and turning and Master said that if I wasn't tired I didn't have to stay in bed... So I got up and went into the living room. I applied to some jobs, so at least the insomnia was productive for a change. But again, here I am, at 3:31am, wide the hell awake.

Master asked me a few times before He went to bed what was on my mind. I was completely honest and told Him that nothing was on my mind but that my brain was just spinning about absolutely nothing and as a result it just wasn't shutting down.

I just took my bipolar medication and a benadryl. I took my bipolar medication because I always take it right before bedtime but since I am staying up later than usual I wanted to take it now so I didn't somehow forget about it before heading to the bedroom. I took the benadryl to try and make me tired. I don't know how well that is going to work out, but it's worth a shot.

I did some more job searching and I found a job to apply to. The odd thing was that at the end of the application they gave me a phone number to call with a specific ID number to punch in so I could do a pre-recorded phone screen interview. I ducked into the kitchen to take it in the hopes that my talking wouldn't wake Master. It doesn't seem like it did since He stayed in bed. That is honestly the first time I've ever had to do that. I've had phone interviews before but they were always talking with a live person, not a recording that was asking me questions and having me leave answers like I was leaving a voice mail. Weird.

Anyway, I have no idea why the hell my mind is spinning. I mean it's not like anything has changed. My Grandpa is still alive even though none of us know how in the hell he is surviving at this point. He has lost a lot of weight, really isn't eating anything, and is slipping back in time more and more. He is also sleeping a lot more. The battery on his pace maker has been extremely low since April. We just don't understand and all wish that he was at peace.

I still, obviously, have not found a job. I never thought I'd be unemployed this long. I never have been before.

I just don't know. Like I said, it's not anything new and it is constantly weighing on me.

I will say one thing before I go to bed. It is the fact that I've been sleeping cuddled up with a stuffed animal almost every night lately. I normally only do that if I am really not feeling well. But now I am doing it out of pure stress. It sounds stupid but it does seem to help a little.

High Doses

My neck is doing better. We had gone down to my father's a couple of days ago and my neck was still fucking with me. As a result my dad asked me if I wanted any ibuprofen. I said yes and so he handed me 800 milligrams worth. He knows how I am. After all he used to have to deal with it as I was growing up. That may sound like a lot, especially since I'm only 5ft1 and petite but for whatever reason I normally need a high dose of pain killers. It may be because of the fact that I've been dealing with fibromyalgia since I was a pre-teen. And I use to take some strong shit for that and my horrible migraines that would literally knock out my vision. I don't remember what I was taking for the migraines.... The name of the drug escapes me. And since I'm allergic to codeine I would have to take high doses of ibuprofen because Vicodin and all that has codeine in it. I found out that I was allergic to codeine the hard way because I was taking Tylenol 3 with codeine and nope.. I was sicker than a dog.

Over the years my body just picked up a tolerance to normal doses of ibuprofen when I was in a lot of pain. As a result I had to up the dosage over and over again. Hell even with "normal" levels of pain require higher dosages. Unless it is to the point that I think my neck is going to lock I normally do one of the following:

1.  400 milligrams of ibuprofen
2. 1,000 milligrams of Tylenol
3. 200 milligrams of ibuprofen and 500 milligrams of Tylenol (Sometimes mixing the two works better.)

For some reason Tylenol doesn't work as well. Not sure why. No clue.

And yes, I know that a lot of people will warn you about it harming your stomach or your liver, etc. and so on but what else can I do?

If I take anything less than that it doesn't even begin to put a dent in it. And all of my doctors in the past have told me to take the high dosages due to my tolerance and even when I go to the ER for my neck they give me 600 milligrams of ibuprofen. And it's not a small bottle they give me. If I could take medication with codeine in it I wouldn't need to take a high dosage. But I can't. Well, I could but only if I want to be throwing up constantly and possibly break out into hives. I've had some doctors try to tell me those are side effects rather than an allergy. Fuck that noise.

But since I took that 800 milligram ibuprofen and Master works rather hard on my neck I feel a lot better.

Can't -vs- Won't

(Another post done after midnight... So... this is the 07/04/14 post.)

Last night I wanted to write to get some shit out of my head. However, it wasn't something that I felt comfortable blogging about. It's not inappropriate. It's not anything like that. It was just not something I wanted to share with the world wide web. And I also hate making "private" posts. You know.. The ones that you have to type a password into in order to read it. Those, to me, if you have a public blog, don't make a lot of sense. I'm not judging anyone and honestly I thought about making a "private" post to get it all out of my head because I'm faster at typing than I am writing something out by hand. But I decided against it.

I wrote it all down and then I went to soak in the tub and read for a bit just to get some tension out of my neck that has been bothering me for four days. Due to issues with my neck and shoulders it can get to the point where my neck locks in one position. Thankfully that hasn't happened yet and I am doing everything I can for it not to happen aside from getting muscle relaxers. I am trying to avoid that. Soaking in the tub can help a lot. And last night it did relieve some of the discomfort, thankfully.

Due to what I wrote down and what Master and I had been talking about the past few days I woke up this morning feeling like I needed to get something pinned down as either a definite yes or no answer.

It was very last minute but we got it figured out and it is honestly a huge weight off of my chest to know the answer.

Yes, I know I am being extremely vague but that's all I'm willing to share.

If that's the case why am I blogging about it at all. Right?

Because I can and because it is a relief. Also, I needed to do a post tonight anyway so I might as well do it about this even if I can't really go into much about it. Well, I can but I won't. And I know that Master will not be upset with me about it. We have discussed it and we both feel a bit better now. And He knows why I am being vague.

Even though I am not going into detail I honestly feel better just by typing out the little bit I have.

Start & Stop

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