July 8, 2014


Well, last night I was unable to fall asleep until a little after 4am. I tried to go to bed when Master did but I kept tossing and turning and Master said that if I wasn't tired I didn't have to stay in bed... So I got up and went into the living room. I applied to some jobs, so at least the insomnia was productive for a change. But again, here I am, at 3:31am, wide the hell awake.

Master asked me a few times before He went to bed what was on my mind. I was completely honest and told Him that nothing was on my mind but that my brain was just spinning about absolutely nothing and as a result it just wasn't shutting down.

I just took my bipolar medication and a benadryl. I took my bipolar medication because I always take it right before bedtime but since I am staying up later than usual I wanted to take it now so I didn't somehow forget about it before heading to the bedroom. I took the benadryl to try and make me tired. I don't know how well that is going to work out, but it's worth a shot.

I did some more job searching and I found a job to apply to. The odd thing was that at the end of the application they gave me a phone number to call with a specific ID number to punch in so I could do a pre-recorded phone screen interview. I ducked into the kitchen to take it in the hopes that my talking wouldn't wake Master. It doesn't seem like it did since He stayed in bed. That is honestly the first time I've ever had to do that. I've had phone interviews before but they were always talking with a live person, not a recording that was asking me questions and having me leave answers like I was leaving a voice mail. Weird.

Anyway, I have no idea why the hell my mind is spinning. I mean it's not like anything has changed. My Grandpa is still alive even though none of us know how in the hell he is surviving at this point. He has lost a lot of weight, really isn't eating anything, and is slipping back in time more and more. He is also sleeping a lot more. The battery on his pace maker has been extremely low since April. We just don't understand and all wish that he was at peace.

I still, obviously, have not found a job. I never thought I'd be unemployed this long. I never have been before.

I just don't know. Like I said, it's not anything new and it is constantly weighing on me.

I will say one thing before I go to bed. It is the fact that I've been sleeping cuddled up with a stuffed animal almost every night lately. I normally only do that if I am really not feeling well. But now I am doing it out of pure stress. It sounds stupid but it does seem to help a little.

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