July 12, 2014

Double It

Master and I had sex last night for the first time in what feels like forever. I know it isn't. It's been about a week to a week and a half at most. It's not as if we are not wanting to or anything it's just that all of the stress is weighing on us. And it seems to be getting worse every day. Everything is so up in the air that it is feels as if it is just doubling the amount of stress we are both experiencing. And the past few days have not helped.

I got some news yesterday about my grandfather. My uncle took him to a doctor appointment to obtain some test results. As horrible as it sounds my grandpa didn't really need to be there since he really doesn't know what is going on and both my uncle and my father have medical power of attorney; however my uncle always brings him with. I think it just makes him feel better about it.

One of the results is that my grandpa has lewy body dementia. It is in the late stages and honestly explains a lot. He was never diagnosed with it before because back when Grandpa still had control over his medical conditions the only doctors he was going to was in regards to his heart and even then he was missing some.

What does it explain exactly? His hallucinations, his violent outbursts, his confusion, and his delusions. It is somewhat related to Parkinson's. This fact also explains why he has been walking with a shuffle for a long time now as well as why he has fallen so many times with no memory of having done so.

Remember how the nursing home was giving him medication to calm him down so he wouldn't harm himself? Well, apparently they can't give that to him anymore due to this new diagnosis. This means that his violent streaks are very likely to come back.

All of those symptoms that were already showing and apparent were thought to be related to the fact that he wasn't taking his insulin and also because his heart is in such horrible condition. Well, all of that isn't helping but now we all have to realize that he has this other condition and explains a lot. So, currently, Grandpa has lewy body dementia, diabetes, a half dead heart, the connection from the brain to the heart that controls heart rate surgically severed, and a pace maker/auto defibrillator that is on a low battery. This only makes me wonder even more how this man is still breathing. Especially when there is no will power to stay here. It doesn't make sense.

However, the other piece of information I received was that the move to get all of my dad's and my uncle's stuff out of Grandpa's house is this upcoming week. They were just waiting on my uncle's work schedule. He normally gets it on Saturday's so I called him today. Oddly enough his boss didn't give him the schedule today so he should get it tomorrow. He asked me to call him back tomorrow afternoon sometime after 3pm.

Everything just seems to be on a countdown with so many life changing variables and there is nothing I can do about it but hope for the best. My ability to stay positive is weakening every day. I'm really trying to hold onto it and most of the time I can. But there are times throughout the week that it is just gone all together. Those are the times I just wish I could scream as loud as I possibly can for as long as I can. But ya know, that would only get the cops called because someone would think I was being murdered.


  1. i'm sorry to here things are so tough for you and your family, i know that dosent mean much from a stranger off the internet with bad grammar, but honestly i - i've been reading your blog on and off for years through my own relationship as someones er small to their big, i don’t like talking about it to anyone in rl as it's none of their business and who needs that judgement for what feels like the most natural thing in the world...so reading your blog has been, for me, part of me figuring out my own way with all of this, i cant really describe it as eloquently as i'd like right now but your blog has helped me and i also have enjoyed learning about you and your master and...treasure (?) being able to glimsp at someones D/s life, because even with all this 50 shades of crap going on and making this..mainstream...some things should not be mainstream! so the anonymity and and the intensity of being able to connect and share is very special and i have appreciated it greatly and i am sorry you are in pain.

    1. Thank you very much! I appreciate your concern, I really do. I'm also glad that my blog has been able to help you, even if it is in a small way. I know that my blog hasn't been much more than a place for me to vent about what is going on with my grandfather and other stresses, but honestly there isn't much else on my mind. I'm sure once things settle down it'll come back to normal. Again, I thank you.