Getting Lost

I've been pretty irritable today. And part of yesterday as well. I'm sure part of it is because I should be getting my period soon. Hooray. But I know that's not all of it. The rest is just well... everything. I hate being at a stand still. And that's exactly where I am. Constantly. And I have been since April. As time goes by it's only getting worse. And lately it feels like I'm sitting on a live wire and just waiting to get electrocuted. I'm not sure if that's the correct way to describe it but that's the only way I can think of doing so. The talk Master and I had not that long ago helped... But each week that goes by it builds up just a little bit more and another week goes by and it gets cranked up a little bit more. I know it's not His fault and I really try not to be so tense and irritable. But I really don't have a way of letting it go. For some reason my body isn't allowing me to cry. So that outlet isn't there. I want to scream, but can't. And I don't mean scream at someone I mean just one long wordless scream. I mean I could but the cops would most likely get called thinking I'm being murdered. My screams get pretty damn high pitched too. It would probably make Master's ears bleed. *laughs*

One thing that I want to do I can't really. I would love to just lay down on our bed with the lights off, door closed, ear buds in, with bass heavy music cranked. I could just close my eyes and focus on absolutely nothing at all. I love getting lost in music. And to me that's the only way to do it.

The reason why I can't is because we don't have anything to play music on except for our computer. I have my smart phone but that takes up some of the data plan, since we don't have wifi. I'm pretty sure I can't download and/or upload any music to my phone without a SD card, which I don't have. Actually, I'll have to look into that. This phone is still new to me. With my last one I had to have an SD card and I never bought one because I felt that it would be a waste of money. I still think it would be a waste of money.

I would love it if I could just lay down in a dark room with some King Diamond, Alice Cooper, WASP, Rob Zombie, and KISS blaring in my ears. I would be one happy chick. Listening to heavy music has always helped me. I'm sure a lot of people can relate to that. Which is exactly why I'm listening to music on the computer while I'm doing this post. I can already feel it helping. I keep rolling my neck and stretching out my arms and arching my lower back a little bit. It's helping me loosen up a little bit. I don't feel as tight.

Anyway.. the odd thing about this whole tense sensation is that I have known for a long, long time now that there is nothing I can do about it. And for a good week or so I was fine. But now it seems to be building up again. I hate my brain. I hate the situation that I am/we are in. I want to get away from it for a little while but I can't. It's not something I can just walk away from for a little while. How can I? After all it's not something I can control and it's not even a thing as it's a situation. And it's not even a situation I can walk away from. I'm surrounded by it.