Red Alert

Master sent an update to all of His family via e-mail regarding my grandfather and explaining why we have been so absent. He explained everything, using my blog for details that He needed to include, so that they would understand. He said that we are on red alert. Which is true. I never thought about it that way, but really it's the best way to describe it.

Later on last night Master and I had a conversation regarding what is bothering both of us. He was explaining how my family is driving Him nuts. Everyone basically is coming to me to try and vent and/or pass along information. It's true and it's pretty much always been that way. I'm not sure why but I'm use to it. Master, however, is not... At least not in this way. He sees that it stresses me out. He told me that He understands that I'm doing everything I can to not shoot myself in the foot as well as walking that fine line between both of my parents. Then again since they got a divorce I have been doing that. (I was almost 17 at the time.) It has never been this bad though, so it is a lot more difficult.

I think He felt better once He got that off of His chest. I understand where He is coming from and that since I am so use to it I didn't really notice it going on. He told me that while I can't shoot myself in the foot I also can't put everyone else ahead of what I need to do to keep myself from breaking apart.

After that part of the conversation was done I had to get a few things off my chest as well. I told Him that I wish I could just break down and sob for a good long while. I'm not putting on my brave face. I'm not keeping myself so strong that I am not allowing myself to do so. I want to let go. I want to break down at least long enough to cry for a good amount of time. That may sound silly but I honestly think it would make me feel better. I don't know if it's my medication not allowing me to or what... I've been able to cry for a while but not like how I wish I could. I cry and then I shut it down. I'm not sure how, but I do it.

Master told me that it may be my medication but it may also be my subconscious basically not allowing it to happen until all is said and done. Basically I'm stopping myself without knowing it.

I also told Him that certain other things that are going on have me attempting to hope for the best but plan for the worst but I don't know when it is okay to start doing that. Basically when should I start planning for the worst, should it come to pass. It's not exactly something that I would be able to do in a day. It would take some preparation. He put me at ease, more so than He probably knows, by telling me to basically wait until the beginning of next month and then we'll start planning. It really did make me feel better. At least I know when to start and that He'll be there right with me helping me to do so. This prevents me from driving myself crazy as well as not wanting to bring it up because it's not exactly a pleasant subject. Like I said, I'm truly hoping for the best. But I'm just one of those people that have to plan for the worst as much as possible so that I know that there is an in case of emergency break glass cover.