Dealing

As of today I have been officially unemployed for one week. I know it sounds stupid but I am seriously having to ask what day of the week it is every now and then.

I haven't heard anything from the place I had an interview with on Monday. I haven't given up hope but I'm also not holding my breath. I am continuing to apply to jobs.

But I really wish the stress would stop piling up. I called unemployment yesterday to make sure they had received the fax I sent on Tuesday. They did receive it and apparently they also received a response from my former employer. That honestly surprised me. I was a little worried that they would drag their feet a bit. I don't think they are going to fight it. At least not based on what they told me when they let me go. So I asked the unemployment person I was talking to how long it would take for unemployment to decide whether or not I'm eligible. Three weeks was their reply. Three fucking weeks. I honestly wasn't expecting it to take that long. I panicked a little bit after I got off the phone.

Then Master reminded me how long it took when He applied a long time ago. Honestly I had pushed that out of my mind because His former employer had fought it and so it had to go to court and the finally He was approved.

Later on in the day I spoke with my mom and she told me that when she had applied, which again was quite some time ago, it took them five weeks. But again her former employer had fought it. She didn't have to go to court though because unemployment decided she was eligible regardless of what her former employer had said.

Both Master and my mother said that if I get anymore paperwork from unemployment I need to fill it out and fax it to them that same day so the process isn't stretched out any longer than it has to be. I'm just hoping they don't need any further paperwork that requires a reply and it doesn't take the full three weeks. The good thing is that if they decide that I am eligible that they will back pay me to my first weekly claim, which would be this week when I file on Sunday.

But that wasn't the only stress that I had yesterday. My grandfather is in the hospital. He is 74 and has had a bad heart for a long time. In fact the bottom part of his heart is dead. It doesn't do anything. He only has two working arteries and they have been blocked up several times. He's had four triple bypass surgeries over the years and has a pace maker. Yesterday his pace maker wasn't doing him any good. His heart was racing and they couldn't get it to slow down. They put him on blood thinners and were also trying to handle the other things that were going wrong. His body is attacking it's own organs and are actually trying to reject them.

A normal heart beat rate for an adult male is 70. By the time they had him on blood thinners for over four hours his heart had slowed down to 155. They apparently actually shocked his heart but that didn't do much either. They ran a shit ton of tests and still aren't sure what is going on.

My mom gave me another update later on in the evening and things hadn't really improved. The only thing that did change was that he basically kicked out my father and my uncle (his sons) telling them to go out and take care of his dog. He was more worried about his dog than himself. He wanted to be alone.

I haven't received any updates yet today. I plan on calling my mom a little bit later in the afternoon to see what is going on and if there have been any changes. I'm actually a little pissed that my dad didn't call me. So it was left to my mom to do so. This shouldn't be very shocking. That's how it normally happens. My dad does not deal well with this kind of thing at all, so he basically tells one person and then it has to go through the grape vine. This time it was my uncle, who then told my mother and brother, who then in turn told me. This is how it's been every time Grandpa ends up in the hospital.

I teared up a bit when my mom was telling me all of this. But now it's just a waiting game. They either figure out what is fully going on and can treat him and get things as close to normal as they can... or they say there is nothing they can do but keep him comfortable and let nature take it's course.

This may sound very cold but honestly I think I'm handling the stress pretty damn well. I haven't had any sudden mood changes. I haven't become depressed. I have been sleeping a bit more but I think that has more to do with the fact that my body is shutting down so I can deal with the stress in a more healthy fashion when I am awake.

And by I think I'm handling it well I'm not just referring to my grandfather. I'm also including the whole being fired and worried about unemployment as well. I'm a little surprised. I was worried that it would topple me into a deep dark depression but none of it has. One domino after another and I'm still standing on my own two feet and working through it the best I can. Master has been keeping a very close eye on me, which I understand. I think He is worried that the next domino may push me over the edge. I also think that He is surprised none of them have done so yet.

So now I wait on pins and needles about everything. My grandfather, finding a job, and seeing what the hell unemployment is going to do.

Day by Day

Well, the interview yesterday went well I think. They told me that they would make up their mind by the end of this week. So basically, if I don't hear from them by the end of the business day on Friday, I don't have the job. But my spirits are still lifted because if nothing else, at least I got an interview already under my belt and it makes me feel hopeful for the future.

I've been keeping on top of the whole unemployment benefits thing. I can file my first claim this upcoming Sunday. They requested more information, so I filled out the form I received in the mail today and faxed it to them as soon as I was finished with it. We don't have a fax machine at home so I went to our local library to send it via fax.

I got a couple of things completed today aside from that. I ran a couple of quick errands, but at least I felt useful. This whole not going to work every day thing is kind of messing with me. And it hasn't even been a full week yet. That whole breaking a routine schedule is difficult after having one set in stone for so long. I know I always complained that I wanted an extra day off of work here or there, but all I wanted was a breather. Plus, who doesn't want an extra day off?

But this? This is ridiculous. Hopefully I will find a new job soon and hopefully it's a good one. Beggars can't be choosers, but I can still hope.

I have been enjoying the extra time with Master. For the longest time it felt like I hardly got to see Him. And I've always wanted extra time with Him, but not like this. Not under these circumstances.

I just don't really know what to do with myself. I don't know what to suggest as far as things to do. We can't spend money, so obviously anything dealing with that is out the window. It's not nice enough outside to go for a walk, unfortunately. At least that would get both Him and I out of the house and get the dog more exercise. as well. Netflix doesn't have fuck all on it. And the things it does have we've seen a million and one times, if not more.

And so we are left trying to figure out how to entertain ourselves. 

I did make an appointment with my shrink for this Friday. It's the last day my insurance will be valid, so I might as well get the appointment in while I can. I obviously won't be able to do so again until I find a job and the insurance kicks in from that. Some places make you wait 90 days before you can have insurance. Other places it starts right away.

I'll have to figure it out once I get that far. I'm trying not to panic and I'm trying to remain calm and hopeful. That's all I really can do. Panicking or freaking out is only going to make me feel worse, especially since I know there isn't anything I can do except for what I'm already doing.

My mother keeps telling me to take it one day at a time. I'm trying to. It's not all that easy, but I'm trying to.

Interview!

Well, it has sunk in. I understand that I am not currently employed. It's an odd feeling. For almost 11 years straight I have either been employed or in school. And for the past damn near five years I had been working for the same company and been on the same schedule. So... yeah. It's weird. On Friday it almost felt like, "Okay it's a three day weekend." And then I started to realize that there was no need for me to set my alarm to 6am on Monday. Or the day after. You get the point. I have been venting on and off through the weekend about this to my Husband and my mother. Master told His mother about it via e-mail because she had sent us a message last week about how my birthday is coming up and she wanted to get together, etc. So He wanted to explain that we won't have the gas money to do so and all that. Basically it was a "Unless you come up to our neck of the woods nothing is going to happen." And honestly, we weren't being bitchy about it at all. It was a matter of fact statement. So we'll see how that goes. Trust me, it's the last thing on my mind. I don't expect anything on my birthday and this year, at this moment, it doesn't register. I've got more important shit to worry about.

Anyway...

After I was done with my blog post on Friday I started applying to more jobs. Not more than two hours after I applied for a position at a company they called me. In fact I was kind of shocked that my cell phone was ringing to begin with because when people call me they try the house phone first. I didn't even think of the fact that I only listed my cell phone on my resume. I left the home phone off of it. That way it would be less likely for me to miss the call.

I jumped up and picked up the phone. It was the placed an application with, like I said, no more than two hours before hand. They wanted me in for an interview on Monday at 3pm. Of course I agreed immediately.

After I got all of the information and got off the phone I stood there kind of in shock for a minute but had a grin on my face. Master looked at me kind of weird and once I told Him what the call was about He looked a little shocked too.

Don't get me wrong I've been applying to jobs long before I was fired on Thursday. But the only call backs I was getting were for commission based jobs. I can sell a damn thing so I can't take those kinds of jobs.

But then, after I've been unemployed for one day and only applied to the place two hours before hand I get an interview set up? Rock on! I'm not getting my hopes up too high. I'm not going to jinx myself and say I have this in the bag. But regardless, it's a good sign. At least I think it is.

Once my mother found out about it she said she wanted to bum around with me on Sunday. (Today.) That's not unusual so I didn't really think much of it. She wanted to meet at the city in between us, which was easier on my gas tank, that's for sure. And even still she gave me a little bit of gas money to cover it, which was really sweet of her.

Apparently one of the errands she wanted to run was to take me clothes shopping for more professional clothes. I normally loathe clothes shopping, but this is important. So I was actually a little excited about it. I honestly didn't have much because my last job we could literally wear jeans and a t-shirt and the one before that, as long as we were wearing khakis and a decent shirt they were happy. I think I had three dress pants and about three or four tops.

My mother and I are both frugal. Cheap. Whatever.

So rather than spending hundreds of dollars on clothes we went to a local thrift shop. It's actually a really nice thrift shop. By that I mean it's not one of those places that you feel dirty as soon as you walk in the door. This one is exactly like any other store except the clothes are used. *shrugs* I have absolutely no problem with that. And because it was Sunday everything in the store was half off! Fuck yes!

As a result, for a whopping $20 I got four dress pants and five tops. Oddly enough it's actually easier to find pants in my size at a thrift shop than it is at a normal store. I'm petite. So finding pants that are a good fit is a bit of a hassle unless I want to spend a shit ton of money at a store that is a bit more on the expensive size where $20 wouldn't have even bought a shirt. She paid for it and said it was part of my birthday present. How awesome is that? Very. That's how much. After a couple of other errands I headed back home. I settled in a little bit and relaxed with Master. After a little while I decided I should get my ass in gear and go through all the dress clothes I already had and made sure they all still fit.

Two of the dress pants didn't. Apparently I have lost weight since I bought them. They were baggy as hell. So I got rid of those. And the shirts still fit but after looking at them compared to what I had gotten today I realized that they weren't really nice professional tops. They seemed like it when I first got them, but not anymore.

The things that didn't fit or didn't look all that professional were set aside and are no longer part of that wardrobe. I will be getting rid of them. I then put up everything that was left of what I decided to keep and the clothes I had just got. And wow.. that is a lot better of a professional wardrobe than I have ever had. And 90% of it is from a thrift store. I not only have an interview outfit, I have enough clothes that I'm pretty much set since I can mix the pants and tops as different outfits.

Once all that was done I selected an outfit for the interview tomorrow and asked Master what He thought. He said it looked great for the interview. He did say that I should probably put on a bit of eyeliner too. We both agreed that it would look a little more professional than absolutely no make-up at all.

Master is being an absolutely sweetheart and will be driving me to the interview tomorrow and then sit in the car until the interview was over. He said He would just bring a book to read. He says He wants to do it so I'm not stressing over the interview as well as driving and trying to find where the place is and then once figuring that out try and find parking.

Like I said, I'm not going to jinx anything. If this doesn't work out, something else will. If I get the job? Rock on!

Numb Turns to Anger

I have to get this out or I just might explode. Actually, that's partially a lie. I am so... numb right now. I think I'm still in shock. I don't know. I have never gone through this in my life. I think that's part of the reason. That and feeling blindsided. Back in November I had received a written warning that I honestly thought was bullshit. I still do actually. But since that written warning I have been busting my ass off even more and doing ever single thing they tell me to do. And the things they were telling me to do were things that had never been informed off before. I worked 10 hour days for three weeks straight, I asked my supervisor three times how he thought I could improve and each time it was the same answer. "Let me get back to you on that." Um, okay. Never mind in the written warning meeting you told me to come to you if I had questions about how I should improve. And then when I do I get brushed aside. So how the fuck does that work?

Of course Wednesday was my supervisor's last day with the company and so I was under the direction of a supervisor that has been there for almost 20 years. Then the very next day, yesterday, I was doing what I always do. I busted my ass. I clocked in early, I cut my lunch short, I focused all of my attention and energy into my job. I was rolling my eyes at other people in my department who were just as swamped as I was and yet they were standing around and talking and giggling with one another? What am I doing? Putting my nose to the grindstone as usual. I don't gossip, I don't chit chat, I don't go to the lunch room when it's not time for lunch break and stand in there for 25 minutes talking to other coworkers.

Then 4:30pm came around. I had 12 minutes before it was time for me to clock out. My phone rang. I didn't even look at it I just answered it and said the little professional speech we have to say when we answer our work phones. Then I heard the voice on the end and my gut dropped and my head spun. It was HR. She said in a very sing song kind of voice to please come to her office.

I was highly polite and said, "Yes ma'am. I'll be right there." The very short walk to HR's office seemed so long and the entire time I had to focus just on breathing otherwise I think I may have forgotten how to. The shades on her window were down. Fuck. The door was open but I still softly knocked. It wasn't just the HR lady. My new supervisor of a whopping one day was sitting there too. I took a seat after closing the door at their direction.

And it went a little something like this...

HR: "Do you remember the warning we gave you back in November?"

Me: "Yes ma'am I do."

HR: "We feel that you have not improved since then."

*I sat there attempting to not scream because I know damn well I have and in fact was praised by the supervisor that had just quit on Wednesday. I kept my mouth shut and just stared blankly at her. There was nothing I could say to sway the decision. Their minds where made up.*

HR: "It was a very difficult decision but we have decided to let you go."

*I was trying to wrap my head around what she just said.*

HR: "We just feel that you are not a good fit and sometimes that is unavoidable."

*I continued to attempt to wrap my head around this entire situation.*

HR then goes over the things I can do to file for unemployment stating that they will not fight me on it. She explained a few other things as well, such as using her as a reference because all she does is confirm the start and end dates of my employment. They do not go into detail as to why I was let go. So they won't bad mouth me. That's good to know. I asked a few clarifying questions. I was trying not to cry. I didn't want to cry in front of them. I succeeded.

What I found interesting is that the supervisor just stared at the floor. She wouldn't look at me, which I found extremely odd. It was like HR was coming up with any reason to get rid of me and chose that tactic.

HR opened her mouth again.

HR: "You are a very smart and professional young woman and I know that you'll find a new job very quickly."

Okay, so I'm smart and professional but you're going to let me go anyway? Got it. You are praising me as you are kicking me out. Insult to injury. She then asked me if I had any personal items at my desk. I said yes. She pointed to a corner in her office and stated that I could use one of the boxes there to pack up my things. How nice of her. I explained that my jacket was in one of the closets. She told me to go ahead and grab that and then to meet her at my desk. She told me not to talk to anyone and that if I had any friends at work I could call them the next day.

My brand new supervisor and the HR lady stood up. I knew the supervisor wasn't going to walk around to my desk, only HR would. So when she stood up I shook her hand. That may sound absolutely retarded but I wanted her to finally look at me. I wanted to also show that I could be the better person. You don't get to fire me and never look at me. That shit isn't happening. She seemed shocked and simply half smiled at me while saying that she wishes me well. She actually looked a bit upset which was weird.

I grab a box and I go to the closet. I stared at the floor. I didn't want to know how many people were staring at me. We all know what carrying an empty box meant. I then met the HR lady at my desk. And I could feel the eyes on me. The entire department. I felt them burning into me. I kept myself together. I continued not to cry.

HR asked for my desk key and the key fob for getting into the building. They were on a key that that was separate from all of my other keys. I took the key ring off and gave her the entire ring. I didn't see the point in taking them off of it. I informed her that some of my personal belongings were in the desk drawers and that I needed to open them. The last thing I needed was for her to think I was going to steal anything. She said that was fine. So I grabbed the few things I had in my desk drawers and then I grabbed the things I had on top of my desk that were my personal items. I turned around and she said that she wished me luck and knew that I would do well in whatever I find next.

I turned to my tiny little box and my purse and double checked that I had everything. I obviously wouldn't be able to come back in and I didn't want to leave anything behind. Once I was sure I had everything she shook my hand and walked me to the door. She said goodbye. I don't know why but the goodbye seemed like another slap in the face.

Once I got to the car I allowed a couple of tears to roll down my cheeks. It quickly put that to an end as the person that was in my carpool walked out. He wasn't going to see me cry either. He got in the car and put his bag on the back seat like he always does. He saw the box and asked me what that was all about. I told him I was just fired. He stared at me in utter disbelief. This might sound stupid but I was glad he had already paid me for the week as far as gas goes. I told him I would owe him $4 because I wasn't taking him to work tomorrow, meaning Friday. He told me to not worry about it. The ride home felt so long. A lot longer than usual when actually it was just a normal amount of time that went by. I was numb the whole time.

He asked me questions. He asked me if I had called my Husband. I was very honest, "No. If I did I know I would have started crying and I can't drive home safely if I'm crying."

He apologized over and over again and said that he didn't understand it either. He knows I'm a hard worker. I dropped him off and he told me that I could use him as a reference, which I thanked him for. The more references I have the better.

When I pulled into the parking lot at home I felt this sense of dread. I didn't want to walk into the apartment. I didn't want to tell Him what had just happened. Not because I was afraid of how He would react but because I just... I don't know. I just didn't want to.

I grabbed my purse and the stupid little box with my things in it and walked into the apartment. Master greeted me like He always does when I get home from work. He saw the box and had a confused look on His face. "What's all that?"

I just blurted it out. "I was fired today."

He was just as shocked as I was. I started crying and I allowed myself to. It was finally safe enough to do so. He held me tight. Once I was done crying He asked me to go through what had happened and I did. He told me that it wasn't my fault and that they were just cutting their bottom line like they have been doing for a good six months now.

I was only four weeks and three days from my five year anniversary with the company. That was part of why when HR told me I wasn't a good fit I felt like the room was spinning. I was a great employee for almost five years and I get this? Really? Master said that was probably the reason they got rid of me. There are a lot of extra benefits you get at your five year mark with that company.

The rest of the night is kind of a blur. I applied for unemployment online. I didn't want to waste time getting that done. I have never in my life applied for unemployment let alone received any unemployment benefits. After all, this is the first time I've ever been fired from a job.

But the rest of it? I just remember trying to decompress. To try and just let that numb feeling wash over me. I was up until 2:30am. It was about then that I drifted off to sleep on the couch. I slept on the couch for about a half hour and then Master woke me up to go to bed. When He climbed into bed with me He told pulled me to Him and told me He loves me.

I woke up before Him this morning and thought I should get this all out onto a blog post. And now that numb feeling has turned into anger as I play how that was all handled yesterday by them. I am pissed off about how I dedicated myself to them for damn near five years and then get that slap in the face bullshit excuse. If you are cutting down so you're still in the black at the end of the month just fucking tell me. Don't give me some bullshit that I know isn't true, especially after being praised for my improvement repeatedly since that meeting in November by my supervisor and then when I ask him how I can do even better I am given "Let me get back to you." as an answer.

They have been letting people go over the past six months. People that had been with them much longer than I was. And except for the two key people in the department I was in I had been there the longest. Every one else was two years and under.

I know everyone will be gossiping about me today and try and guess why I was fired. I don't care. Fuck them. Let them gossip and come to their own conclusions.

Vicious, Lovely, & Interesting Cycle

I've noticed since this past weekend I have been feeling more docile than usual. And I am, I think, showing it more as well. I have a different tone of voice when I'm asking permission for something. I can't really explain the tone. It's not like I was being bratty before while asking for something. This just has a different feel to it. I hate it when I want to describe something but am unable to. *sigh*

Oh well. I think Master has noticed as well. He seems to be reacting to me a little differently as well. Again, His tone of voice is a good example. I also have had a different kind of body language. Nothing huge. Nothing highly noticeable but I would say it is an improvement.

Oh! Before I forget... Master had read the post that said something about my landing strip that I am currently growing out. I had thought it was too wide, or at least wider than He would want it. He very casually brought it up. I had just finished doing laundry and Master was putting away His clothes and out of no where said, "By the way, the landing strip isn't too wide. It's fine."

It took me a minute to full process what He had just said. Not because it shocked me that He read the post. He reads all of my posts. It's just that it was so casual and out of no where that it took me a bit. Once I finally caught up I just smiled. At least now I know and don't have to worry about it. I still think it's a bitch to keep straight though. I don't know how guys do it! Hell, Master has a goatee and He hardly ever fucks it up. It always looks so nice and perfectly trimmed. It's weird. He can do that and I have a problem keeping a landing strip straight. What the fuck?

But since I'm under orders to grow it in I get really paranoid while shaving. I know that sounds really fucking stupid. But if I fuck it up, it's not really something I can easily fix. That has happened in the past when He had me grow it in. I dipped into it with the razor more than I had meant to. After that Master told me to just be clean shaven again. He did seem a bit disappointed at the time. Not pissed off. He didn't reprimand me and He didn't seem to be disappointed in me exactly. I think it was more of a disappointment of having it gone already. He always has me switch from one to another. Most of the time it's my being clean shaven.

Enough about my pubic hair and/or the lack there of.

I wonder if I feel different and more docile because of the anal sex itself or the weekend as a whole.

Anal sex is always something that makes me extremely docile for quite a while. I'm not sure why. Maybe because I know how much it pleases Him. Maybe it's because it seems more submissive than regular fucking or a blowjob. Don't ask me why. I'm not sure why and maybe it's just me. I don't know if other slaves feel that way about it. I also don't know if it's the fact that He is the only one I have ever done that with. I think that's part of it for Him, in so far as how turned on by it He gets.

I don't think it was just the anal sex though. The whole weekend seemed to be more dynamic based. Not as in He was barking orders and I was groveling. It was more subtle than that. And since I feed off of Him and He feeds off of me, the more one steps it up a notch the other matches it. Hell, sometimes it surpasses it. It's a vicious, lovely, and interesting cycle.

All Three

This past weekend was absolutely incredible. Sex, sex, and more sex! That will always make it an amazing weekend. *winks*

Saturday it started with morning sex. I woke up quite a bit earlier than He did. But sometime around 11am I decided to go wake Him up. I quietly climbed into bed next to Him and cuddled up to Him. I tried to reach down to His cock but because of the way He was laying it was pretty much impossible. But the movement was enough to wake Him up. Once He was awake He turned over onto His back and as He did so He raised the arm that was facing me so I could cuddle in next to Him and rest my head on His shoulder. Once I was comfortable He nuzzled the top of my head and I snaked my hand down and started stroking His dick. He moaned a little bit and as His cock grew the more He nuzzled and kissed the top of my head.

He asked me what I would prefer position wise. Sometimes He'll ask me and other times He'll just move me like I'm a rag doll until I'm in the position He wants me to be in. I thought about it for a little while, but I never stopped stroking Him and teasing Him. I figured that since it wasn't so cold out we wouldn't have to keep under covers for morning sex, like we have been for a while. So I asked if I could get on all fours.

It was a morning quickie but that didn't stop Him for forcing me to cum three times. Afterward we collapsed onto the bed again, cuddling a little bit more before forcing ourselves to get out of bed and start the day.

Later that night we fucked again. This time He told me right off that He wanted to make me hurt. He played with my tits for a while before eating me out. After I got off He continued to very, very gently run His tongue across my clit. I know damn well why He did that. He knows that I get extremely sensitive. And if I'm sensitive it's even easier for Him to make me extremely sore.

At one point, once I was even more sensitive He grabbed one of His pillows and had me lay on my stomach after He propped my hips up with His pillow. He talked dirty almost the entire time. *purrs* He told me that His pillow would smell like my pussy and He would be able to enjoy it all night as He slept. After a few more highly intense orgasms He used me as His sex toy.

Afterward He told me to clean Him off. So I scooted down the bed and started slowly licking the underside of His cock before taking it into my mouth. My oral fixation suddenly kicked into overdrive and I just didn't want to stop. So I didn't. I knew that if He wanted me to stop all He would do is either say so or He would grab my hair and pull me off of it.

But He didn't. He allowed me to continue. I couldn't really decide what I wanted to do more, so I changed it up every now and again. I would move my mouth up and down His cock, then switch to just licking His dick and balls. There were points where all I did was hold His dick in my mouth. I didn't move at all. I kept my tongue still. I'm not sure what gets Him off about it but all I feel every time I do it is His dick throbbing and if I have to swallow suddenly or readjust my jaw He moans. I love hearing Him moan. It was more like cock worship than a blowjob.

It's so fucking hot. He became fully erect again and I crawled up and started riding Him. I knew I was sore and I knew I was sensitive but I really, really needed Him inside of me again. I got off twice before I had to stop. It had become too much. My nerve endings were raw. So He told me to rest my head just above His hips and He would tell me when to put my mouth on the head of His dick. He started jerking off and I watched and would rub just behind His balls every now and then. In a very deep and graveled voice He simply said, "Mouth". I dipped my head down just a little and sucked on the head as He shot His cum into my mouth.


Yesterday I had asked if we could try anal sex. He of course readily agreed. So as the day went on we just relaxed and enjoyed quality time together.

When it got closer to my bedtime I asked if we could go fool around. As soon as we got into bed He asked me what I was up for. That's His way of asking if I still wanted to try. When it comes to anal sex He doesn't really push it. Not because He can't but because He chooses not to be. He wants me to enjoy it just as much as He does. So He doesn't force the issue since I'm not always able to without it hurting quite a bit.

So I said everything. He started off by having me put my mouth to good use. Then He got me on all fours and slowly pushed His cock into my pussy. I was still very sore from Saturday but it felt incredibly good. He got me off several times. When I was ready I grabbed the lube and my vibrator. He lubed us both up and I put the vibrator on it's lowest setting and put it against my clit. That always seems to make it so much easier for some reason.

And I was able to take His cock into my ass with almost no pain at all. It pinched a little bit at first so I asked if He would put a little more lube on the top of His dick. Thankfully we keep the lube very handy so it wasn't a problem at all. I got off hard. My entire body lit up. He called me a good girl several times. I don't know why that makes me swoon but it does. Every single time He says it.

He had to tell me to hush because I couldn't stop moaning and only got louder. I look forward to the day that we don't have to worry about such things anymore. It's not that He doesn't love hearing me moan and whimper and beg. It's just the fact that our apartment walls are thin and we don't need people calling the cops because they think someone is being murdered. *laughs*

I did end up saying that since it had been so long since we had anal sex that I wasn't sure how long my body would "allow" it. He said He understood. He fucked my ass rougher and faster. I did my best to not get too loud. I begged for His cum. That only made Him fuck me harder, sending me into another mind blowing orgasm.

After He filled my ass with His cum He was as out of it as I was. He slowly pulled out and immediately went into the bathroom to clean up. I was shaking. Every time we have anal sex my entire body starts shaking. Not from pain or anything like that. I think it's because my body feels so overwhelmed, in a very delicious way. Once He was done I went into the bathroom and cleaned myself up as well.

When I got out of the bathroom I noticed that the bedroom light was still on. So I took a peek and Master was sitting on the bed with a very spaced out look on His face that only meant He was deeply satisfied and pleased. I asked if something was wrong. He said no and told me to come onto the bed and lay down. The way He was sitting I knew what He wanted me to do. I got comfortable on the bed and rested my head on His lap. He wrapped His arms around me. It was wonderful aftercare. Sometimes He gives that to me after anal sex and sometimes He doesn't. But this time He did and I greatly appreciated it. He held me like that for almost 20 minutes.

So, this past weekend I got a shot of His cum and each of my holes. And today I woke up elated and sore every where. It hurt to sit down, but in a very good way.

Intertwined

I feel docile this morning. Master is still asleep. He hasn't been sleeping well, so Him sleeping in like this is a good thing.

I haven't felt this docile in quite some time. I don't know why. I don't think it really has to do with anything. It's just a fact. It's not like anything has been wrong within our marriage or within our dynamic. It just hasn't hit me this strongly in a long time. I think I've been a good girl. I mean I haven't been punished and He hasn't reprimanded me for a long time now. Do I think I've been at the top of my game? No. Do I think that I've been a horrible slave? No. I would say I'm... well... mediocre. And He deserves more than that.

Don't get me wrong, He understands that I have been worn the hell out from my job. He knows that I have been under a lot of stress. He understands why I fall asleep on the couch and only wake up long enough to go to bed. He doesn't fault me for it. He isn't resentful of it. All He does is be understanding and supportive. He gives me leeway. It's not like He's giving me enough rope to hang myself. Like I said, He understands and in no way, shape, or form is He trying to trip me. 

But that doesn't make me feel any better about it. He has always told me that I'm too hard on myself. That I need to accept things that I can't control and understand that He isn't going to be upset by it. I'm my own worst enemy sometimes. It's not due to my being bipolar. I haven't had an episode since my medication dosage was increased, and even before that it was all depressed than anything. There was no rage like their was prior to my medication.

I have not even once considered taking the mental collar off. I say mental collar because I no longer wear an actual collar due to my metal allergy. Thankfully I am still able to wear my cuff. I love my cuff. It is the only physical object that I have anymore. I know, physical objects don't matter. They never have. Hell, I'm marked up one side and down the other by Him. Scars, bite marks that have never fully gone away and have become scars themselves. Hell one of my tattoos are directly connected to our dynamic. And He has designed four of my 12 tattoos, including the one that is connected to our dynamic.That doesn't mean I don't enjoy it. That doesn't mean I don't touch it sometimes just to center myself, just as I'll play with my wedding ring for the same purpose. There have been times where I'll actually hook my fingers under the cuff if I'm getting too stressed out.

But I'm so sick and tired of my being stressed out and crashing overriding the things I want to do to show Him my undying devotion. To show Him how deeply I love Him both as my Husband and as my Master. He knows I love Him. I tell Him I love Him constantly and I show my love and affection every day. But that doesn't mean I don't want to show my submission more, to show Him that I know and remember my place in our marriage. I get upset just thinking about how I haven't been able to is what feels like an eternity. I'm literally tearing up as I type this.

He has me shaving in a landing strip again, rather than being clean shaven. He knows I prefer clean shaven but it's not about what I want. It's about what He wants. And I do it. And I'm not bitching about it. Not at all. I am trying to please Him. I am trying to be very, very careful when I'm shaving it. When He has me do this I have fucked it up more times than I can count. I don't do it on purpose. I don't do it to be a brat or anything. It's just that I slip with the razor and it gets screwed up. Right now it is wider than I think He wants it. I'm not entirely sure honestly. He has obviously seen it and hasn't commented on how wide it is. He hasn't told me to make it smaller. It's so wide right now because I'm worried that if I bring it in a little bit that I'll fuck it up. I worry about it the most when I'm first growing it in. My pubic hair grows in extremely slowly. I've only been growing it for a few weeks now and still it's not all that thick as far as the hair itself goes.

But I want so badly to be able to submit to Him in a more.. I don't know how to word it. A more physical way? I'm not necessarily talking about sex or pain. I'm talking about presenting this to Him in a more physical way. Such as kneeling and laying my head in His lap and things like that. I'm not really sure what all I want to do to show Him this. I just know that I want to. That I crave to. That I need to do this.

I want to show Him that I am still His good girl. That I still love, need, and cherish that aspect of our relationship. That I need Him. That I need His firm grip on me. That I need His leadership and guidance. That I would be lost without Him. Words and hugs and kisses mean a lot. They really do. But the other things mean a lot as well.

I know my place. I am His wife but I am just as much His slave. Those two parts of my role are not only equal to one another but are intertwined. They and looped together and I want it no other way. I can't imagine them not being knotted together. I don't know what would happen to me if the knot started to be pulled apart or loosened.

Expensive Glass

Three women in my department are getting married in August, which is odd. I mean all in the same month? *shrugs*

And of course today is the Hallmark holiday that is Valentine's Day. I've never cared about it. And I'm not being one of those, "Oh I don't really care, but if you don't give me anything or do something special I'll be pissed off." types. When I say I don't care about it, I really do not care. But the other women in my department at work obviously do. They were all getting flowers and comparing them, of course. Which then led to them comparing engagement rings. And of course one of them had a bigger rock on it then the other two and immediately you could see the other two become jealous.

I'm not materialistic. I never have been and I don't see how I would ever become so. Also, when Master posted something on a social media site that was rather funny and had to deal with the whole diamonds are a girl's best friend and a dog is a man's best friend type thing. I of course don't feel that way and He knows it but it was all in good fun. And I forgot exactly how it was phrased, and I don't feel like looking it up, there was a comment about women and diamonds and how it's true they are a girl's best friend. Blah. Blah. Blah.

So I commented on how I hate diamonds. And I'm not kidding when I say that. I'm not knocking anyone who does like them. I honestly don't care.

But I commented about how they look like glass and so to me a diamond is basically a very, very expensive piece of glass. I know it's not actually glass. I'm not an idiot. I'm just saying that's how I view them.

Plus if I have a rock on my finger I would want something with character to it. Something beautiful and different. An onyx immediately comes to mind. I love onyx. Another would be a blood stone. Those are gorgeous. Like I said, something different.

No, this is not a hint that I want Master to get me one. I'm simply saying that such things make more sense to me than a diamond.

Mr. Sandman

I don't know what the hell is wrong with me lately, but it really needs to stop.

My sleep schedule is so fucked right now. I go to bed on time, and sometimes fall asleep on the couch before Master wakes me up to send me to bed. What's weird is that when I'm sleeping on the couch in the living room while He is awake I sleep great. It may not look like the most comfortable thing to do but because I'm petite and short, I can get comfortable on the couch rather easily. So I'll rest my head on one of the throw pillows, wrap myself up in my throw blanket and out I go. But when I'm in bed I can't stay asleep for long, regardless of whether or not I fell asleep on the couch first.

Two nights ago I woke up a minimum of six times. I say minimum because I kind of lost count of how many times I woke up and looked at the clock for no damn reason. There were no loud noises, the dog wasn't trying to wake me up, Master didn't wake me up accidentally or anything along those lines.

I would just wake up and then worry that I had slept through my alarm only to roll over and look at the clock and realize that I actually had another four hours before I had to get up. Seriously? What the fuck?

It's been like that for about the past month. Some nights are better than others. But it has been a long time since I've slept through the night without waking up at all before my alarm goes off. Too long.

To try and fix that I took a benadryl last night before I went to bed. That stuff makes me drowsy so sometimes I'll take it right before bed in the hopes that it'll knock me out and keep me out. It kind of worked. I only woke up once before my alarm. And I had about two hours of sleep left. Thankfully I was able to fall back asleep almost immediately.

I don't know why the fuck this is happening. I don't really know how to fix it. But I figure that as long as I get some semblance of sleep, I'll be okay. I'm just really hoping that I'll have a nice streak going on where I don't wake up until I have to. Getting through an entire week would be wonderful, but some how I doubt that will happen.

Morning & Night

Saturday night I was really hoping to stay up to when Master was going to bed. But I didn't make it. Master normally stays up until 3 or 3:30am and I only made it to 2am. At that point my body started to let me know that enough was enough. What sucks is that I didn't even really get to sleep in on Saturday morning. The mutt woke me up a whopping half hour past what time I would normally get up to go to work.

So I was hoping that I would be able to take him out and then go back to bed. Well, when I got back in with the dog I was a little more awake than I thought I would be but I tried to go back to bed anyway. But I couldn't get comfortable to the point where I thought I would be able to fall asleep. Fuck. I go out to the living room again and try to fall asleep on the couch. Again, nope. So I was up and that was that.

There was about five hours to kill all by myself before Master would get out of bed. I'm not use to having that much free time by myself. So I did my Saturday post, browsed online, played a game, then watched Divorce Court on You Tube with my ear buds in so I wouldn't wake Him up.

When it came time to go wake Master up He was already sitting up in bed. I was a little disappointed. I was hoping to wake Him up but His bladder had done the job for me. But I got into bed anyway, hoping that once Master was done using the bathroom He would come back to bed so we could fool around. And that is exactly what happened. *grins*

He had me be on top for a change. It's not like I don't want to be on top it's just normally He is. It was a very pleasurable morning quickie.

We spent most of the day just relaxing. And later on that night, right before I had to go to bed, Master fucked me again.

Starting the day with sex and ending the day with sex is how I wish we could spend every day. *laughs*

Work It Out

I have never understood why people give up so easily on a relationship. I understand that some people just end up with the wrong people and it has to end. I'm talking more about people who have been together for quite some time and just don't want to put any effort into the relationship. Why did this pop into my head?

Well, yesterday I was at my Dad's. I came home from work and I literally walked in the door, said hi to Master, gave Him a hug, called my dad to make sure it was still okay to come down for a visit and once that was confirmed I headed right back out the door. I hadn't even bothered to take off my hat and jacket when I got home. Master didn't come with as He is still getting over His cold. It's still in that yo-yo phase. Last night He was on a down swing and had a migraine at the same time.

It is very rare that I visit my dad by myself. Master and my father get along like best friends when they are around one another. It's not like it's uncomfortable to be around my dad by myself, because it's not. It's just rare.

Well, while I was down there my dad started talking about his girlfriend and as a result started ragging on my mom a little bit. And really it was only because he was talking about his girlfriend. As I've mentioned before she knew my mom and dad when they were married. It was years and years ago, but still. And she rags on my mom because she had eyes for my father even back then. So I think it stems more from that than anything.

My mom and dad were together for 25 years. That is a long fucking time. I never had that "I want my mommy and daddy together!" I was 17 years old when they got a divorce and I figured that if they didn't want to be together that was that.

I didn't really know a lot about it at the time. I knew that my dad was with another woman immediately. He moved right in with her as soon as the divorce proceedings started. As I got older I found out that my dad had been cheating on my mother for over a year and a half. That's a long, long time. To me that was... fucked up. I mean if you don't want to be married to someone anymore you get a divorce or you try to work it out. Obviously, my dad had chosen divorce. But seriously, a year and a half? Waiting a year and a half to tell my mom that he wanted out is a long time.

I don't hold it against him. He did what he did and he's a grown man. Then he did it again. He was with that woman for a little over 10 years and then cheated on her before telling her it was over. It wasn't as long. From what I understand it was for few a months.

He was with that woman for a little under a year and then they broke up. He didn't cheat on her before hand. He just broke up with her. He was single for a while and now he's in the long distance relationship with his current girlfriend. But I honestly feel like my dad just doesn't try to work things out. When he is done, he's done.

Then there is my mother. She didn't want to divorce my father. She wanted to work things out. She wanted to stay together and go to counseling. But my dad wasn't having it. She wanted that even after finding out he had been cheating for a year and a half. But once she had let go she let go completely.

Now she is with her current husband and they have been married for about 13 years. I think they have been together for 15 years, or very close to that mark. Her current marriage has been through some really tough times. They have been through things that would have broken a lot of marriages but they worked it out. Mom wasn't giving up and she wanted her relationship to work and so it has. Her husband wanted to work it out too obviously and takes two to tango, but it's impressive what they have been able to get through. They did go to a form of marriage counseling. Not official marriage counseling but they went to a priest and had some sessions with him, which honestly seemed to have helped.

Then there is Master and I. We have been together for just shy of 11 years and married for damn near 7 of those. And we have been through a lot of shit that would have easily broken relationships. And I'm not trying to be dramatic. Master would tell you the same thing. But we love one another and we have worked past each and every one of those situations. 

Do I think that just because you love someone you should put up with things that break you or make you feel worthless or make you hate yourself? Hell no. Love isn't a band-aid you can throw on everything. However, I do think, outside of certain breaking points, you should work things out rather than cut and run and not trying anything at all.

Back Burner

Well, it appears that I did not catch Master's head cold. Thankfully. Master continues to yo-yo. One day He'll feel fine and then the next He feels like death warmed over. Today He seems a little better. He's not coughing or sneezing as much and He hasn't been sucking on cough drops like they are going out of style. Hopefully He'll be completely over it soon.

Another draw back about either of us being sick is that other things suffer. Such as sex. When one or both of us are not feeling well, whether it is due to sinuses or a cold, sex is placed on the back burner for obvious reasons.

Here's hoping that will change over the weekend. I know that we are both a bit pent up but just haven't been feeling up to it.

Tonight while Master was giving me a back rub He did tell me that I still have bite marks on my right shoulder. I can't feel them anymore but apparently they are still rather visible. Which is awesome! I love it when the marks are still there after a long time.

Sometimes they stay with me for quite a while and then other times they fade rather quickly. I'm always a bit disappointed when they fade quickly. It's not from Master's lack of trying to mark me that's for damn sure. It's just that my skin apparently is rather random on how it's going to react.

It's so stupid. I'll be taking a shower and see a bruise that I have absolutely no idea how it got there but then I'll get chewed on by Master and it'll be gone within a day or two.

It wasn't always like that. When I was younger they stayed for a long time each and every time. I have no idea if it's age related but it's just something that I noticed.

Damn Body

Well, Master still has His head cold. It seems to have moved down to His chest though. He isn't running a fever or anything like that. Just a lot of sneezing, coughing, and sinus drainage. It said that He felt a little better yesterday but then today it seems to have bitch slapped Him back into feeling like road kill. I had said that I wasn't too worried about catching it. I'm still not sure if I have. I know that sounds stupid as hell. Either you're sick or you're not.

It's just that with the way the weather has been and my going in and out of the cold it's hard to tell whether mine is just bad sinuses or if I've got a lighter version of the head cold Master has. Yesterday I couldn't stop sneezing or getting my nose to stop running. But on the way home from work I felt better. Once I got home it was back to how it was earlier in the day. That is what makes me think it's just my sinuses since it is really only reacting when the pressure changes and when I go from a warm building to it being cold outside.

Today I feel just kind of blah. I still feel stuffed up and have this pressure going on behind my left eye. But, again, I'm not sure if I'm actually sick or if my sinuses are just messing with me. My sinuses don't get bad very frequently either.

Damn body. I hate it when I can't tell what's wrong because then I don't know how the hell I should fight it. If it's just sinuses all I have to do is just pop a benadryl every once and a while. If it's the head cold Master has I'll probably still just take a benadryl every now and then but I'd still like to know. That way I can tell if I'm getting better or not.

It's the down side to having a strong immune system. When something does happen I don't know what the hell it is until it's serious.

I'm not really worried about me though. I don't care how many different kinds of hell I feel like I'll still go through the daily routine, as much as I would hate it. Unless I need to go to the ER there is really nothing I can do. My body will have to fight it off on it's own.

I worry about Master because of how His immune system is. That's the other reason why I want to know whether or not I'm sick. I don't want Him to finally get over His cold only to catch it again from me. So I guess what I'll have to do is just act like I have a cold. That way if I have it I will, hopefully, not pass it back to Him. Plus that shit tends to mutate when it jumps from one person to the other.

I feel okay right now. That pressure behind my left eye is still rather noticeable. But my nose isn't stuffed up and I am not sneezing or coughing. But better safe than sorry. Until Master gets better I'll just act as if I do have a cold. Once He's better, as long as I'm sure I don't have it, I'll be able to lighten up on that.

The sucky part is that when I have a cold I can't really have a lot of physical contact with Him such as cuddling and all that. I'll still kiss the top of His head when He's sitting down or I'll give Him a hug. But anything outside of that... yeah. Can't really do it.

Tight Grip

While we were fucking last night I was on my stomach and He was resting on top of me when He grabbed one of my hips and rolled onto His side, pulling me with Him.

He wrapped His one leg over both of mine, keeping a firm grip on my hip. His other arm was across my chest and holding my back against His upper body. He rotated His hips and I did my best to try and buck back. It's not always easy in that position. Also, it seemed like He didn't really want me to move because His grip on my hip became tighter, so that He remained balls deep in me while He rotated His hips.

So I stopped moving for a while. I didn't really want to talk but I also wanted His hand around my throat. So I slowly reached down and gently grabbed the hand He had on my hips and pulled a little bit. He has told me that if I want something I am always allowed to ask in one form or another and He'll decide whether or not it's going to happen.

He had apparently decided that He was going to allow it because I was able to continue gently pulling His arm up before sliding my hand up to His as it got closer to my neck. I let go as soon as He took a grip on my throat and started choking me.

Not hard. Just a little bit of pressure at first. I wanted it a little tighter so I pressed on His hand a little bit and the grip became tighter. His thrusting became faster and more insistent. I arched my back just enough so that my clit was resting on His balls and getting massaged by them with every move He made.

The grip He had on my throat became even stronger as He got closer to getting off. It is one of the kinks that turns us both on a lot. Choking and biting are the key ones. He ordered me to cum with Him. It was amazing.