June 3, 2014

Honest With Myself

I just want to add a quick disclaimer here... This post has nothing at all to do with something Master has done and/or said to make me feel this way. This is all me.

There, with that being said, I can continue with the post. I use to be very tone. I didn't have a six pack or anything but I was very tone. The most tone I'd been since meeting Master was when I was stripping. Trust me, that's one hell of a work out. It makes me wish that I could afford to take a pole dancing work out classes, but I can't. It's not exactly cheap. I've looked into it in the past. Hell I even considered just taking belly dancing classes. Not so much to learn how to belly dance but just for a work out. Again, too expensive although cheaper than the pole dancing classes. Even when I was working full time it was out of reach, so you can imagine how out of reach it is now.

Since I hadn't been able to afford it I use to just work out at home a bit. Nothing big. But I stopped at some point. I don't really remember when I stopped or why. I just did. I was never really as tone as I was when I was stripping but it was better than nothing.

Like I said I'm not sure why I stopped. Now, I'm not saying that I'm fat or anything along those lines. I wouldn't say I've "let myself go", but I'm also not toned. Granted Master is constantly commenting on how tiny I am. Not in a bad way.

But it's mainly my stomach. I don't know why but I've always had issue with my stomach. I've never been fat but I've never really been satisfied with how it looks. There have been times lately, that during sex if I'm bent in such a way I will, for just a very brief moment, think of how it feels and worry that it doesn't look attractive in that position. As I said it is nothing that Master has said or done. He has never made me feel unattractive in any way shape or form.

And this is seriously the first time I've been this honest with myself about it. Yes, I've noticed it at moments but I've never really done anything about it. I hate myself for that. Finally yesterday while I was reading a book on the couch I had my legs up on the couch, with my knees bent, and was resting the book on my legs. And once I reached a slow point in the book I again had the realization that I didn't like how my stomach felt. Not looked. Felt. So I quickly put the book down and told Master that I was going into the bedroom to work out a little bit. He looked at me somewhat oddly. I told Him that it would be easier to do in the bedroom because I could shut the door and the dog wouldn't bother me.

Which is true. It's a pain in the ass to try and do that when the dog wants to bother you or lay next to you because you're on the floor. But I also feel a little embarrassed when I'm working out. As if I'm not attractive while doing so. I think that stems from the fact that I am doing it because I don't always feel that attractive.

I guess I still have some form of self image issues. Not as bad as they were when I first met Him. And they my own issue. It's something I put on myself and not something or someone that is making me feel that way.

I went into the bedroom, closed the door, and did leg lifts, crunches, squats, side leg lifts, and that bicycle movement with my legs. It didn't take me long as I have to admit I couldn't do that many reps of any of them, which actually made me feel worse. I feel as if I've let myself get too far out of shape.

This morning my ribs were a bit sore. I'm pretty sure that is from the crunches. I also felt a little burn in my thighs. But this actually made me feel a little better. It means that I actually did something. I wouldn't be sore if I hadn't actually worked out, which means that I had done better than I originally thought I did. At least that's how I'm seeing it.

I also know that as I get older it won't be as easy to get back into shape, so I need to start now and just do upkeep as I get to where I want to be.

Before I worked out yesterday Master and I had ventured out to run and errand and even though we were only doing one quick stop and would be home in no time flat I still wanted to try and feel attractive and look nice for Him. It wasn't much. All I did was put on a dress and some wedge sandals that I recently got. I do want to get more dresses and some more tank tops and at least a couple of pair of fabric shorts but I need money to do that.

Not that long ago He did mention that I'm not wearing my lingerie very frequently. I know He wants me to correct that. I wonder if maybe part of the reason I had been subconsciously avoiding it is due to the fact that I realized how unhappy I am with my stomach. 

Wow. I'm being more honest with myself than I realized. It didn't really all hit me until I started typing out this post. And I also know that I had been ignoring all of this about myself and it didn't really realize it until yesterday while I was reading, as I described above.

So I'm making promise to myself that I'll continue to work out at home. It may not be much but it's better than nothing. I know I won't see instant results but at least I'll know that I'm trying. And eventually I'll get to the point where I'll be able to do more reps of each thing and feel better about it. I do know that I would like to continue doing it all in the bedroom with the door shut. I don't think Master will take issue with that.


  1. In case you're interested, there are loads of free yoga, pilates, and other exercise videos on youtube. If you're interested in actually learning belly dancing, I'm sure there are those, as well. Belly dancing is hard. It's really all about is isolating movement in one part of the body from the rest of the body (for example, moving your hips to the side while keeping your torso in the exact same place).

    The one thing I'll warn you is to be careful as you start out, especially with core (stomach) things. The first time I did pilates, I was fine later that day and the next morning. Sometime the evening of that day after having started (more than 24 hours after the exercise), my stomach started hurting. It turned out I'd ended up with a delayed onset muscle soreness thing. I'm used to severe chronic pain, and it had me in tears because even breathing made my stomach muscles hurt worse. It took a day or two to go away. I've found over time that if I try to stop exercising before I've hit my limit, I can actually build up faster over time than if I'm constantly pushing to the max.

    1. Hi Alyson. :) I have looked into those in the past. The only computer we have is in the living room so I can't really watch it when I'm doing exercises in the bedroom, but I'm sure I could look at some and try to apply them later. And you're right, I was still sore yesterday evening. More so than I thought I would be.

      After Master read my post He told me that my stomach was fine and it must be a "girl thing". *laughs* He did not try to deter me from working out though. After all it is healthy and if it makes me feel better, He's all for it.

      I will slow down a bit and until I get more use to it I don't plan on working out every day as far as that goes. Master and I have been going for walks more frequently though, so that is also helping.

      Thank you for your suggestions! I really appreciate it. And belly dancing does look rather difficult!

  2. This website is really good for free belly dance videos: http://www.freebellydanceclasses.com/

    There's a "getting started" section.

  3. I'm was just going to second what Alyson said! There are some good belly dancing
    video's on youtube, good if you can do it. and music all ways helps make it easier!

  4. Thank you both very much! :) I did use my phone to play music while I was in the bedroom. As far as the belly dancing videos go we only have the one computer in the living room so I'd basically have study them here and then go in the bedroom so the dog wouldn't bother me. And to be honest that is something I'd rather learn in a physical class room.