Honest With Myself

I just want to add a quick disclaimer here... This post has nothing at all to do with something Master has done and/or said to make me feel this way. This is all me.

There, with that being said, I can continue with the post. I use to be very tone. I didn't have a six pack or anything but I was very tone. The most tone I'd been since meeting Master was when I was stripping. Trust me, that's one hell of a work out. It makes me wish that I could afford to take a pole dancing work out classes, but I can't. It's not exactly cheap. I've looked into it in the past. Hell I even considered just taking belly dancing classes. Not so much to learn how to belly dance but just for a work out. Again, too expensive although cheaper than the pole dancing classes. Even when I was working full time it was out of reach, so you can imagine how out of reach it is now.

Since I hadn't been able to afford it I use to just work out at home a bit. Nothing big. But I stopped at some point. I don't really remember when I stopped or why. I just did. I was never really as tone as I was when I was stripping but it was better than nothing.

Like I said I'm not sure why I stopped. Now, I'm not saying that I'm fat or anything along those lines. I wouldn't say I've "let myself go", but I'm also not toned. Granted Master is constantly commenting on how tiny I am. Not in a bad way.

But it's mainly my stomach. I don't know why but I've always had issue with my stomach. I've never been fat but I've never really been satisfied with how it looks. There have been times lately, that during sex if I'm bent in such a way I will, for just a very brief moment, think of how it feels and worry that it doesn't look attractive in that position. As I said it is nothing that Master has said or done. He has never made me feel unattractive in any way shape or form.

And this is seriously the first time I've been this honest with myself about it. Yes, I've noticed it at moments but I've never really done anything about it. I hate myself for that. Finally yesterday while I was reading a book on the couch I had my legs up on the couch, with my knees bent, and was resting the book on my legs. And once I reached a slow point in the book I again had the realization that I didn't like how my stomach felt. Not looked. Felt. So I quickly put the book down and told Master that I was going into the bedroom to work out a little bit. He looked at me somewhat oddly. I told Him that it would be easier to do in the bedroom because I could shut the door and the dog wouldn't bother me.

Which is true. It's a pain in the ass to try and do that when the dog wants to bother you or lay next to you because you're on the floor. But I also feel a little embarrassed when I'm working out. As if I'm not attractive while doing so. I think that stems from the fact that I am doing it because I don't always feel that attractive.

I guess I still have some form of self image issues. Not as bad as they were when I first met Him. And they my own issue. It's something I put on myself and not something or someone that is making me feel that way.

I went into the bedroom, closed the door, and did leg lifts, crunches, squats, side leg lifts, and that bicycle movement with my legs. It didn't take me long as I have to admit I couldn't do that many reps of any of them, which actually made me feel worse. I feel as if I've let myself get too far out of shape.

This morning my ribs were a bit sore. I'm pretty sure that is from the crunches. I also felt a little burn in my thighs. But this actually made me feel a little better. It means that I actually did something. I wouldn't be sore if I hadn't actually worked out, which means that I had done better than I originally thought I did. At least that's how I'm seeing it.

I also know that as I get older it won't be as easy to get back into shape, so I need to start now and just do upkeep as I get to where I want to be.

Before I worked out yesterday Master and I had ventured out to run and errand and even though we were only doing one quick stop and would be home in no time flat I still wanted to try and feel attractive and look nice for Him. It wasn't much. All I did was put on a dress and some wedge sandals that I recently got. I do want to get more dresses and some more tank tops and at least a couple of pair of fabric shorts but I need money to do that.

Not that long ago He did mention that I'm not wearing my lingerie very frequently. I know He wants me to correct that. I wonder if maybe part of the reason I had been subconsciously avoiding it is due to the fact that I realized how unhappy I am with my stomach. 

Wow. I'm being more honest with myself than I realized. It didn't really all hit me until I started typing out this post. And I also know that I had been ignoring all of this about myself and it didn't really realize it until yesterday while I was reading, as I described above.

So I'm making promise to myself that I'll continue to work out at home. It may not be much but it's better than nothing. I know I won't see instant results but at least I'll know that I'm trying. And eventually I'll get to the point where I'll be able to do more reps of each thing and feel better about it. I do know that I would like to continue doing it all in the bedroom with the door shut. I don't think Master will take issue with that.