Guano

Today has flown by. It was boring and nothing really happened at all but it still seemed to have gone by in such a way that every time you looked at the clock you wondered how in the hell it was that late in the day already. For instance right now it is already 8pm. Master even commented on it a little while ago. The only good thing is that I made a little money today by people picking up a couple of orders of paracord.

The shitty thing is that starting late tonight and into early Monday there is supposed to be a fuck ton of snow. At first they were talking about a few inches. But as with all shit regarding weather men their estimates and time frames have been all over the board since then. Now they are saying six to eleven inches. That is a huge window right there. But I know it'll either be that we barely get anything at all, that the storm either hits early or late, or we get a lot more than they said. It's never exactly what they said it would be. Ever.

Master and I have both been blah and just kind of irritable today. I think it may be at least partially due to the weather that is moving in. That may sound stupid but... *shrugs* It has happened before. Especially before a lightning storm. But it has happened before snow or heavy rain.

Nothing has really been going on.

More bullshit with my family. His mother still isn't talking to us. Grandpa is still alive. I still don't have a job.

Hmmm...

Yep. That pretty much sums it up.

Life is just kind of stagnant. It sucks ass but I can't let it get me down too much. If I did I'd go guano.

I would hate to know what I would be like without my medication right now. I'd probably me a puddle of anxiety, depression, and self loathing curled up in the fetal position in a dark corner somewhere.

When I wasn't medicated I could handle things. I mean I would pull away and all that shit. But I could handle things, usually. It wasn't always pretty but I got through it. But with all of this shit going on at one time for a very extended length of time... Yeah.... Not so much.

I'm not always happy go lucky. I am down sometimes yes, but I'm not depressed. Basically at this point if I'm not depressed I'm chalking it up to a win.

I know for a fact there are people out there who aren't bipolar that would have broken in the same situation I'm in right now. I don't know if that says anything, but it's a thought that entered my head.

And no, I'm not putting on a brave face. I know better than that. I know Master would be absolutely livid with me if I tried to hide the fact that I am depressed. But I'm not. Down? Yes sometimes I am. But depressed? No. That's an entirely different animal. Anyone who has ever actually been deeply depressed will tell you the same thing.

I'm glad I'm medicated. Not only because of how it effects myself but also because of how my not being medicated has effected people around me in the past. I say that because when I wasn't medicated I didn't always realize how far out I actually was. I thought I was perfectly normal. I thought nothing was wrong at all. I honestly believed that I was being totally rational. It sucks looking back and actually realizing how bad I was. Not all the time. But enough of it.

Damn Sinuses

I have felt like shit all fucking day. I was fine when I went to bed last night. In fact I was great because I had just gotten laid and had cuddled up to Master in order to go to sleep.

But then this morning I half woke up just enough to realize that my left side was getting stiff so I should probably readjust myself before I drift back off to sleep. But as soon as I did I woke up all the way because my head felt like it had filled itself with snot. I got out of bed and I think I blew my nose about five times before it even began to start feeling better. I took a benadryl and then went back to sleep. It must have knocked me the fuck out though because I didn't wake up again until 11:30am. That is super late. But when I got up Master was still asleep as well. Apparently He had much the same problem I did.

But His sinuses cleared up more than mine did through out the day. Mine had continued to kick my ass even after a second benadryl. I almost never take those because they make me so tired but I would rather be tired than not being able to breathe.

Since I hardly ever take them and I had taken two in less than a twelve hour period it knocked me out and I ended up taking a nap for about an hour and a half. The shitty thing is that I still can't breathe completely out of one nostril and I'm still tried.

I can't catch a break today apparently.

However on a good note I have been getting orders for my paracord. *smiles* They are all local. I did create a website in an attempt to sell them online. But so far nothing. Oh well. At least I'm trying to expand it and if it kicks off it does and I'll be happy about it. If it doesn't? *shrugs* I'll still keep it up to date though, just in case someone stumbles upon it and wants to place an order. No one wants to order from a site that hasn't been updated recently.

I'm also starting to wonder if I should list them on craigslist. I won't do it on ebay. Basically aside from the social network site I'm on I'm looking for other ways to sell, even if it involves shipping. I've been brainstorming but so far the website I made is all I've come up with. I'm sure I'll think of something else. I already made a separate e-mail account for it.

Grandpa

I did something today that I honestly didn't think I would do again. My grandfather has been in a nursing home for quite some time now. In fact he hasn't gone back home since, if I remember right, March of 2014? Almost a year now.

I was visiting him regularly when he was in the hospital, when he was in rehabilitation in the hopes that he could build up some strength, and in the early parts when he was in the nursing home. But once his dementia started to get a lot worse I didn't feel like I could handle it anymore. I stopped going. I was constantly getting updates from my mother and my uncle. All of the news was heart breaking. I think that only furthered my dread of going again.

But today when my mother told me that she was going for the first time in three weeks (she has been pretty sick) for some reason I decided that I wanted to go too. My mother was surprised. Master was surprised. And to be honest I surprised myself.

I think part of why I wanted to go is because I have been so mad at my father for not going and basically not really wanting updates. He has told everyone time and again that the next time he was going to see his father, my grandfather, it would be when he was in a coffin.

I had justified it in my head that that is his father. I'm still technically the child here. I am almost 32 years old, but at the same time I felt/feel that he has more of a responsibility and I guess requirement.

But when I heard my mom say that she was going again that all ran through my head. I don't want the next time I saw my grandfather to be in a coffin. Not when I haven't seen him in so very long. I cried before I left. I was scared.

When we got there though I was fine. Okay I wasn't fine but I wasn't a mess either. I didn't cry. I smiled and talked with him. Honestly I was surprised he was up to talking. He doesn't talk a lot anymore. I had to tell him who I was several times before he recognized me, but honestly I wasn't expecting him to recognize me at all.

He had lunch while we were there. He didn't each much. He had a very, very small glass of chocolate milk that they put vitamins in. He ate chocolate pudding that also has vitamins in it. But he didn't really touch anything else. In fact he ate more imaginary food than anything.

He talked about how his doctor won't let him drive his car or mow his lawn anymore. He told me that he couldn't find his parachute and that the cords were all tangled up. (No idea. He has never been parachuting in his life.) I was very careful in how I answered his questions and I was also very careful not to offer too much assistance. He was struggling a lot with simple things and my first instinct was to help him. But I know that doing such would make him very angry. So I only offered help when it was absolutely necessary. Thankfully he didn't take my head off for it. In fact he was really nice about it.

My mother and I stayed for about a hour and a half. When we were getting ready to leave he was getting tired. I asked if I could give him a hug. He smiled and said my first name and then said, "That's my girl."

He gave me a very light hug. I tried very hard not to put any pressure into it. He is so, so skinny. His shoulder blades are literally jutting out and you can see that even though he has a thick flannel shirt on with a shirt on underneath.

I know that I caught him on a good day. In fact from all of the updates I have received I caught him on an insanely good day, even with the hallucinations. I had prepared myself for so much worse, which is why I was scared before I went.

Is that going to be my last visit? Probably not. Was it really difficult to sit there and hear him talk like that and watch him struggle with the tiniest things? Hell yes. But I am glad that I went. Am I expecting it to be that good next time? Hell no.

Lick It

Two nights ago Master and I did something that we haven't done in I can't tell you how long. Honestly I don't remember the last time it happened. And it wasn't really planned. In fact it started off as something completely different.

I wanted to give Him a blowjob. He wasn't about to turn that down. So I slid in between His legs after He sat up and propped up His back so that He was comfortable and started orally worshiping His cock. Shortly after I started my jaw started to bother me. I have TMJ. I tried to do everything I could think of it get it to relax so I could continue. I stretched my jaw a bit wider, I stopped moving and just held His cock in my mouth while moving my tongue, I even pulled back a few times so I could move my jaw side to side a bit. At one point I had to stop and pull His cock out of my mouth so that I could move my jaw around more.

I continued to stroke His cock and after a few moments I went back to it. My jaw got worse. So I pulled His cock out of my mouth again, turned my head to the side, and started working my jaw in an attempt to get it to pop. No such luck.

Master knew I was having problems. He simply asked if it was because of my jaw. I said yes. I promised Him that I wasn't "trying to get out of it". He said He understood and said we could just fuck. I pouted because I really wanted a shot in the mouth. So I asked if we could fuck until He was close to cumming and then I would go back to sucking His dick.

He didn't really say anything. Instead He just reached down, while I was laying there between His legs, and started stroking His dick. I gently placed my mouth around the head of His dick while He stroked the shaft.

After a little while I could tell that He wasn't able to go any faster with His hand because He would end up basically punching me in the jaw. *laughs* So I moved back a little and just stuck my tongue out so that the head of His dick, while He was stroking it, moved across my tongue. This way He was able to do His thing without worrying about me and I could still apply pressure and saliva. I mainly held my tongue still but I would, from time to time, move my tongue around. I would flick the tip of my tongue across the underside of His cock just below the head. I would swirl my tongue around the head of His dick. But mainly I just held my tongue out and applied as much pressure as I could.

It was an interesting sensation. He seemed to be enjoying it greatly. As soon as I knew He was just about ready to cum I waited until His hand had moved further towards the base of His cock and then took my mouth and basically swallowed half of His dick while swirling my tongue around it. I think that must have triggered it because I barely blinked by the time His load started to go down my throat.

As we were ready to curl up to go to bed I was wound up. I was horny as hell. I told Master as much. He chuckled and said, "Well I guess you'll just have to wait because I'm going to sleep." I smirked and cuddled up close to Him. I drifted off to sleep shortly there after.

Lip Service

Master had a talk with me last night. He told me that our dynamic has fallen to the way side. He told me that basically all I am doing is playing lip service to my station. He told me that He understands that I am under a fuck ton of stress due to family shit alone. Then you add the other shit that is going on on top of that and it just makes it worse. He wasn't loud or angry. He was extremely calm while telling me all of this.

I did not get upset. By that I mean I didn't break down crying or start yelling. I knew that He wasn't saying it to hurt me or anything along those lines. And I have to agree with Him. I'm in no way, shape, or form doing it on purpose. I'm not wanting to back out of the dynamic like I have said I wanted to in the past before I was medicated.

I also knew He was right.

While it was happening I didn't see it that way. Or I should say that I didn't really realize how far off the path it had gone. He hadn't brought it up sooner because of everything else going on and not wanting to stress me out further.

I really appreciate that, I truly do. I also appreciate that He is being so understanding. However, I did tell Him that I am glad He brought it up and that our relationship and dynamic are not part of the cluster fuck of things that are actually stressing me the hell out.

I'm glad that He brought it up.

I have been feeling down lately. Not because I need to up my meds or anything, but because everything seems to be closing in and becoming closer to being a reality. As soon as my grandfather is at peace the reality of what is actually going to happen with my father and the rest of the family is going to hit full force. It's not going to be slow. In fact I have a feeling that it will happen right after the wake, if not before.

But none of this excuses the way I have allowed things to slip on my end. I'm sure some of it is to be expected. I'm not perfect. And I'm not saying He expects me to be perfect. After all He has waited this long to bring it up to me. He has been patient.

I've just had my mind locked onto everything else so closely that I didn't realize what I was not paying enough attention to.

I'm going to try to refocus. It's not easy and He understands that. But I can try harder than I have been that's for sure. It'll also probably help me relax a bit rather than being so wound up all the time waiting for that final shoe to drop.

Family

This is going to be one of those posts about family that has a good side and a bad side. First I'll post the bad side.

Fair warning: This part is going to be heavy on the medical shit. Somehow, someway my grandfather is still breathing. He has been through so much and he is going through even more now. And honestly yesterday he went through things that in my opinion were unnecessary. He is in pain constantly. He has fallen down more times than I can count because in his head he thinks he can do everything. Three of those times he has needed staples in his head. The list continues on and on and on. Since he isn't in his right mind, meaning he doesn't realize that he can't do a lot of things and tries to do them anyway and hallucinates a good amount of the time, he lies to doctors. Thankfully my uncle, Grandpa's son, goes with him to doctor appointments to correct things.

Okay.. anyway.. yesterday my grandpa was put through one hell of a procedure.

*This is where the medical jargon begins. Kinda graphic.*

My father and uncle (Grandpa's sons) decided that Grandpa needed to get another couple of tests done. Why? Because they wanted to see if he qualified for hospice. At the time I didn't understand why it mattered. He's already in a nursing home. But I thought that maybe the nursing home was requesting the tests to be done.

So, the procedure was two fold. They wanted to do a biopsy of his lung and to drain some of the fluid that are filling his lungs. They had been saying it was congestive heart failure. Because of that diagnosis it made me wonder even more why they were bothering with this.

Anyway, Grandpa was lying to the doctors about how he has been breathing and eating and what not. He was also telling them about dogs and cats that live in his room (there are no animals) and other things he hallucinates. As they did the procedure he had to be awake. He says that he felt everything and he was confused and scared. They took a needle in through his back and did the biopsy as well as draining the fluid from his lungs.

They apparently only drained one of his lungs and even then it wasn't even half way because his lung started to collapse so they had to stop. As soon as they did the fluid levels didn't take long to get back to where they were when they started the procedure. The test results should be available this Friday.

After receiving all of this info I was still sitting here wondering why the hell they made him go through all of that. He is dying. There is literally nothing they can do for him aside from give him pain killers and he's refusing those. He has a DNR. But then the truth came out. My dad and uncle decided that they wanted the tests done to prove that he qualified for hospice. Why? Because it will allow some insurance to take over and ease the "financial burden". Never mind they sold Grandpa's house and cashed in at least one of his retirement accounts to pay for all of this. They have the money to pay for it. And since my father is the financial POA I have a feeling he was the pushing for it so he didn't have to pay that high bill every month and therefore more money would be available for him.

I feel that they basically tortured the poor old man just to save some money. I am so confused by how to feel about my father lately that I don't know up from down on that particular subject.

Now on to the good!

We had lunch with Master's dad today. It was a really good time. We sat and talked for about two hours before his dad had to head home. I always look forward to seeing him. We always have fun and joke around. We also catch up on what Master's two youngest sisters are up to. They are always so busy! They are both under 18 and they have so many different things going on all year long. If it's not school it's one of the many things they do. Girl Scouts, choir, rock climbing, etc. and so on. In fact Master's second youngest sister is going to Germany this summer. Master seemed to be in a much better mood since seeing his dad. *smiles* Hopefully we'll catch up with him again soon. His schedule is also crazy because of the activities his two youngest are in. 

Porn Night

The other night Master and I decided that we were going to do something that we haven't done in a very, very long time. The reason we haven't done it in so long is because we didn't have a TV in our bedroom for quite a while. When our main TV died we took the one out of the bedroom and put it in the living room since it was the same size. That must have been.. oh hell... I don't know. About six or seven years ago? Anyway, since we moved we now have a TV in our bedroom again.

Yeah I know. What the fuck am I talking about.

We got undressed, threw back the covers on the bed and curled up to one another. After that we watched porn and just cuddled while watching it until we both started getting a bit frisky. We left the porno on while we fucked.

I'll admit that once we started fucking I didn't watch the porno anymore. It didn't bother me or anything, it's just that the way my hair was in my face and the fact that Master had me moving around and what not I just didn't pay attention anymore. Whether or not Master continued to watch I have no idea.

I'm just glad that we did something different. Something out of the norm. It was also the first time we watched porn since we moved back in September. There has just been way too much going on so when we fuck we pretty much just got down to business. Granted we didn't really watch a lot of the porno itself. I think we got about half way through the second scene before we started fucking. I'm not sure what part it was on by the time we were done because, like I said, I wasn't watching it anymore. *laughs*

We also hadn't really cuddled like that in a really long time either. I love cuddling. Yes, we curl up when we go to sleep but that's completely different. Well, it is to me anyway.  Whether it is to Him I have no idea.

I know that He enjoys cuddling, it's just that we don't do it all that often when we aren't about to go to sleep. I'm not complaining. It's not like I get mad about it. There just isn't a lot of opportunity to do so.

Music

This post is going to basically be about random things so don't mind me if it seems all over the place and about subjects that have absolutely nothing to do with one another.

I haven't been able to stop running my hands over His freshly cut hair. I'm sure eventually I'll get used to it and stop. Well, maybe not. *shrugs* Although I didn't do it while He was eating me out the other night or while we were fucking. No real reason. I just didn't.

Have you ever heard a song that makes you think of your significant other? Most people have. I have plenty of those kind of songs. Now, have you ever heard a song that made you think of the dynamic you're in? I have some of those too. My most recent one is by Avenged Sevenfold. It's called "Scream". When Master first started buying their CDs I was always asking if it had that song on it. I had heard it on the radio and played it on YouTube repeatedly. Apparently I had heard the song before Master did even though it is a band He has recently gotten into. Now He seems to think about the song the same way I do. It may not be for the sames reasons but all I can say for sure is that now when it comes on He cranks it up to the point where the bass is shaking the side mirrors. I love it when that happens. I like a lot of bass in my music. If you have ever heard the song maybe you know what I'm talking about. If not, listen to it and see if you agree. I don't know if the M/s or BDSM lifestyle undertones were intentional? Hell, I don't even know if I'm the only one making that correlation.


Since I started making that website for my paracord items I've been surfing through templates since I ended up making it on a blog rather than a free website host. While doing it I saw quite a few that I thought looked pretty kick ass for my actual blog. I'm proud of what I've made for this but at the same time I get that itch every now and then to change it. This one is rather simplistic as well. I sometimes like it a bit more.... complicated? Involved? Interesting? *shrugs* I'm not sure what the right word is.

I know that Master doesn't really give a shit. And I could just be thinking about it for no reason. There have been plenty of times where I thought I wanted to change it to something else and then when I did I ended up changing it back immediately. That's why eventually I just made a test blog so I didn't have to keep fucking with my actual blog.

I also get this way about my blog when I'm bored. And I have been. So maybe. Who knows. It's entirely possible. It's also entirely possible that I'll scrap the idea entirely and leave it how it is. I sometimes wonder if people who read here get annoyed when I change the theme of my blog. I mean it's obviously the same blog and it has all the same content but the look of it changes. But as long as I like it and Master doesn't mind it's not that big of a deal.

His Hair

We've been together for almost twelve years now. It'll be twelve years in March. It's weird to even realize that honestly. Some days it feels like a lot longer than that, in a good way, and other days it feels like there is no way we have been together that long, again in a good way.

But anyway, within that amount of time Master has done a lot with His hair. Well, His hair length anyway. When I first met Him He had hair so long that it was damn near down to His ass. He has beautiful hair. He really does. He has the kind of hair that women are jealous of. *laughs*  Honestly when we first met that was one of the things that attracted me to Him.

He kept His hair that long for about two years. He told me that it had taken a long time to grow it that long. But about two years into our relationship He shaved His head bald. Completely bald. He looked hot. He was bald when we got married, which was about two years after that. I don't quite remember when but eventually He decided to grow it out again. Not as long but He grew it out.

He had more of a traditional guy's hair cut for a while. I didn't really care for it. It's not that it made Him look bad, because it didn't, but it didn't fit. Ya know? It just didn't look like Him.

After that He went to a do it yourself buzz cut. All He did was buy a pair of clippers, slapped a guard on it, and voila! He had that for a very long time. And it looked awesome.

Sometime over the past couple of year or two He decided to try and grow it back out again. He said that He wanted it back to where it was as long as it was when we first met. Up until today He had it just past His shoulders.

For the past few weeks He has been contemplating cutting it again. Why? He said He was tired of it always getting in His face, waking up with His own hair in His mouth, and all the snarls. I was honestly a bit surprised since He had been so adamant about growing it back out. It's not like I was going to be upset either way, I was just surprised.

Today we are sitting there watching TV where out of nowhere Master looks at me and asks where His clippers are. Apparently He had made up His mind and it was going to happen right now. So I went and dug around until I found them. He took off His shirt, plugged it in, and just went to town with it. Eventually I asked if He wanted me to at least cut the hair down to a length where it would stop clogging the clippers. He allowed it. I was just extra careful to make sure I didn't cut it too short because then it wouldn't be even with the rest of His hair.

I didn't really have to worry about that part because He went really, really, super short. I love the look on Him. I helped Him with the clippers towards the end.

It's a little weird to me though. Not His hair. But the fact that I always love it once He's done it. I was excited when He told me He was going to grow out His hair again but when He told me He was shaving it all off today I was also excited.

I've never told Him not to do anything regarding His hair. Not only because of the dynamic but because I always think He looks good. This time is no different. Hell I couldn't help but run my hands over His head. He joked with me about how I always do that when His hair is short. And when He has long hair I can't stop messing with it.

When His hair is long I love brushing it, running my fingers through it, and braiding it. When He was bald I couldn't stop just rubbing my hands against His bald head. And when it is short I keep running my hands over it.

He also pointed out that when He is eating me out and His hair is short I run my hands over His head a lot more than I do when His hair is long. I told Him that's because I don't want to accidentally pull His hair and ruin anything. *laughs*

I guess this just comes down to my finding Him attractive no matter what hair style He has.

Thoughts & Ideas

Have you ever had sex where you start to feel like you're going to fall off the bed but you don't say anything because it feels amazing and also, you know that you aren't actually going to fall off the bed? I did a couple of nights ago. It has happened in the past. Our bed isn't pushed up against anything. At our old place my side of the bed was pushed up against the wall. Where we are now though, it's not.

So the other night Master and I are fucking and at one point both of my feet got tangled up in the sheet and comforter, which was actually kind of amusing because I knew that if I tried to just yank them out I would end up either kneeing Master in the stomach or kicking Him. Either way it wasn't a good thing. But Master was attempting to move my legs so finally I just said, "Master... the blanket..."

He chuckled and unwrapped both of my feet before continuing to move my legs to where He wanted them.

A few orgasms later and Master had me laying on my stomach with one leg straight back underneath Him and my other leg bent at the knee with His knee pushing at the back of mine. We were very, very close to the edge of the bed. Well, not all of us but both of our knees and my one hand were. He scooted me back once but as we continued our knees became very close to the edge of the bed once more. I didn't care because I knew I wasn't going to fall and apparently He didn't care either because He kept going.

The sex was amazing, don't get me wrong, but it is always kind of amusing to look back on that kind of stuff.

In other, non-kink related news....

I was discussing my paracord with Master and I wanted to know what He thought about me trying to sell them online. I would take custom orders through a website I made and would charge my normal rate along with shipping. I have only been selling them locally and while it is going well, it still isn't much of an income. I figured that maybe if I offered shipping I would make more. What I have been doing, since it is local, is meeting up with people in person.

Master thought it was a pretty cool idea. There is no telling if it will actually take off or not but hey, it's worth a shot. It's not going to cost me any money to at least try. After all, it wouldn't be a typical eCommerce site because everything I make is a custom order. It would just be a form they would fill out and it would shoot me an e-mail with it.

I started to build a website last night for it but ended up hating the service it was under, so I deleted it. I made another one today but again I didn't like the service it was under so I deleted that one as well. As a result, I think I'm just going to make one on Blogger and call it done. Like I said, it doesn't have to be an eCommerce site so where I put it doesn't really matter. The problem is getting it to where I'm happy with it. *sigh* Oh well. It gives me something to do in addition to making the paracord items that people order from me locally.

Dumb Bitch

Not a lot has been on my mind that is anything new. The usual stresses. The usual bullshit.

The only thing new is that I have a feeling I'm really not going to like my future sister-in-law once my brother and her are married. I don't like her now. But I have a sneaking suspicion that if she feels as freely as she does to talk the way she does now, that it is only going to get worse when they are married.

They have been together for three years and have been engaged for a little while now. They haven't set a date or anything but hey.. who knows.. maybe one or both of them will break it off before that point.

Long story short I was outside having a cigarette and I heard her talking to my brother as they were walking out to the car. She was talking shit about my mother. Shit she doesn't have the guts to say to anyone but my brother. I ended up telling my mother about it. I wasn't eaves dropping. It's not my problem if she didn't see me standing outside and decided to talk that loudly.

I suppose I could have said something but I decided not to in case she wanted to say anything that I'd be able to hear. There wasn't but I felt that I should tell my mom anyway. I told Master first and asked His thoughts and He agreed that I should tell my mother. So now she knows.

*sigh* Master has asked me before if I would go to their wedding. I keep flip flopping about it. He is my baby brother. I love him. And usually he can be a pretty cool guy. But he has one hell of a temper on him and I don't always agree with how he handles shit. But then again who does agree with everything?

Really though my brother would be the only reason I would be going. And even then I'm leaning more towards just going to the reception. I don't even know why I'm bothering trying to figure it out right now since it will probably be a year or more before they get hitched and by then a ton of shit could change.

I guess I'm just of the opinion that you can vent all you like but if you have something to say to someone you say it to their face. You don't try to manipulate other people into saying it for you, and by the sounds of the conversation I caught that is exactly what she was doing. And you know why she was bitching? Because it was an inconvenience to her. To me this only goes to show how their marriage will/would go. Anything that makes her get off her fat ass is going to make my brother's life a living hell. But hey, that's his problem.

And this is just one of the reasons why when I hear her name the first words that come to mind are dumb bitch.

Check the Simple Shit

Well, I felt like a fucking idiot today. Before I get into why I just wanted to say that I did end up going to a doctor about my not really getting my period in December. They checked and nothing seemed unusual and basically since I have been fixed for so long there is damn near no chance that I would get pregnant. They did a pap smear though because I hadn't had one in a while and I had pre-cancerous cells in the past that needed to be treated. They said they would have the results in about a week. They told me to contact them if I hadn't had my period by February 1st. Sure as hell, I got it today. Nothing overly heavy yet but it's there. They did tell me that my periods may get a bit more irregular now that I'm in my 30's. *shrugs* I guess I'll just have to not freak out if it happens again unless something seems really wrong.

Okay, now back to why I felt stupid...

Our car wouldn't start yesterday. I had actually hopped in the car to go to the doctor and tried starting her. She tried, but wouldn't crank over. Fucking hell. I ended up getting a ride there and back. I thought that maybe it was just too cold and that is why she didn't want to crank over. But after talking with some family members that deal with a lot of cars. They told me that it was most likely my starter because my battery was only a year old. I went out there again today and again she wouldn't turn over.

So we had the car towed to our new mechanic. I say new because we had moved back in September and we are about a hour away from our old mechanic. They told me that it most likely wouldn't be fixed until Monday because they would have to order the part. (It did end up being the starter.) I said that would be no problem. But lo and behold about five hours later they call me and they said that they were able to find the part locally and had it fixed. They also did an oil change on her. Awesome sauce.

So I get a ride there to pick her up and by that time it's just starting to get dark out. I didn't really have to turn the headlights on until about half way home. When I did I noticed that the headlights turned on but the dashboard didn't light up. What the fuck?

I get home and park the car and I start messing with it to see if I could figure out why. Nope. Fuck. I called the mechanic and they told me to drive her right back and they'll look at it.

When I show up they have Master and I pull the car into the service bay and they couldn't figure it out either. So they brought over someone else over. Apparently, it was because one of the rear doors were open. Never mind no lights came on to say that one of the doors were ajar. Hell, the interior lights even turned off. What the hell.

Basically it was one of those check the simple shit first stupid situations. Neither Master or myself could figure it out and neither could two other people at the mechanics. Why? Because we were all focused on just the dashboard. Well, that and you wouldn't think that a door would cause that especially when there are absolutely no other signs that a damn door is open. *sigh*

Oh well, at least she's fixed now.

This, That, & The Other

Not much has been going on. I've not been feeling well for the past couple of days, and yes it has put a damper on things. It hit me out of no where. I was about ready to just lay down and fall asleep when all of a sudden I felt the urge to be sick. And sure as hell, once I got to the bathroom I was sick. Thankfully it was only the one time but I still felt off the rest of the night. The next day I didn't feel nauseous anymore but my stomach felt like I had a rock in it.

I feel a bit better today. But I've been tired a lot. *sigh* The weather isn't helping. Especially with the whole feeling tired all the time part of it. It is cold as fuck outside. And whenever it is that cold I feel tired. Today is worse than usual but I think it is mainly due to the fact that I didn't sleep well last night as well as my not feeling well for the past few days.

Master has been very kind and allowing me to nap. He wakes me up after a while but even a half hour here or a hour there is appreciated. I hope that tomorrow I feel like everything is back to normal. Ugh.

The other thing that is kind of fucking with me is that I had a very, very short period this past month. It was less than a full day and it hasn't come back since.

It talked to my mother about it and she told me that most women in her side of the family hit pre-menapause in their early 30's. Well with me it would be extremely early 30's since I'll only be 32 in March.  For all I know it was a fluke. *shrugs*

I do remember my doctor telling me that when I got fixed (my tubes burned) that my period would most likely get a little unpredictable as I got older. I got fixed back when I was 21. Wow. I honestly hadn't realized that it's been almost 11 years already. Huh.

Anyway.. like I said it might just be a fluke. If it happens again, meaning this month, I'll probably go to a doctor just to make sure. With it only happening one time I don't think it warrants it.

Done

Yesterday was a lot of errands where we were stocking up on things because of the weather that was coming in. It isn't going to be a blizzard or anything but super fucking cold. There was some snow, yes, but I was more worried about the temperature. I only wanted to go to a few select stores though. Unfortunately none of the stores I went to had the kind of hair dye I wanted. I knew exactly what I was looking for and I wasn't going to budge from it. So I waited. I did make one extra stop and that was to buy Master new winter gloves. His old pair had finally started to die so I had bought Him a new pair about a month ago. It didn't take long for those to break, literally. They were leather gloves but they weren't top of the line leather and before ya know it a seam busted. *shrugs* The main reason I had bought that pair was because they were the right size, they were leather, and they were on clearance. Sometimes my being a cheapskate works against me. Oh well. So yesterday I bought Master some heavy duty Caterpillar gloves. They were more than I would normally pay for gloves, but He needed them and not a lot of places sell gloves in His size.

I also recently got a new pillow. It is super fluffy. New pillows are awesome. After a while pillows just get flat and then they just aren't as comfy. This one is awesome. Nothing special about it, just a normal pillow but nicer normal pillow, if that makes any sense. But last night right before bed Master had leaned on it and He commented on how soft the pillow was. He followed that up with He was going to find out how well it worked when it was being used to prop up my hips while He was fucking me. Shortly there after we found out that it works rather well. *laughs*

Today eventually it wasn't as bad as it was going to be later on so I ran the errand to go get my hair dye. I got it! It took forever. Mainly because I had to bleach the hair I wanted done and then wash and dry it. Once that was done I had to finally put the color in. But I love it! It didn't turn out exactly as I had in my mind. The reason is because I was only doing the bottom two inches of my hair. The problem was that I wanted it so that if I had to cut it due to a job I still wanted my hair longer. Well, if I had gone two inches all the way around my hair would have been really short up by my face. As a result I couldn't do it. Oh well. I still really like it. Master says He isn't sure how He feels about it yet and He'll make His decision after seeing how it looks while I'm bent over. It is very, very bright red.

Red

Yes, I know that this post is a day late. Honestly the days have been blurring together one after another. I apologized to Master about it and explained why I had totally spaced about it. He forgave me. It has been a very long time where I have just flat out forgotten to do a blog post. There have been times where I have asked to skip or push off a post but that is completely different then just spacing out on it. I'm glad that He forgave me and that I'm not in trouble because of it.

I have created a page for my paracord items. :) It's on a social network site and under my real name so I won't be putting a link to it here. But honestly I am very proud of myself because of it. Well, because of how many compliments I get over my work but also because of the fact that they are actually selling and people are enjoying them. I actually made three bracelets to order today.

I will say that having made graphics for the page I made has me itching to tinker with this blog again in so far as the appearance goes. I don't know what the hell I would do with it and knowing me I'll end scraping the idea and still with what is on here now. *shrugs*

All of the ones I have made for myself are the same colors. I have my collar, my key chain, and two bracelets. One of the bracelets has a skull charm on it and the other bracelet is in a different weave which is called the "viper" weave. The normal weave is called the "cobra". But I am trying to expand my knowledge on different weaves and I really love how the "viper" weave looks. My favorite colors are black and red. Preferably dark red. Blood red. I am kind of weird in that way. I want it all to match. *shrugs* It's one of my quirks.

But as I was sitting around today I thought about how I have always wanted red hair dye in my hair some way some how. I don't want my entire head of hair red. I actually tried that once. My hair ended up purple and I had to have my hair professionally stripped of color and dyed brown again. That was back before Master and I were even living together. In fact it was almost at the very beginning of our relationship. I was at the most 21 but I honestly think I was still only 20. I'm figuring that based mostly on the job I had at the time.

Anyway, since that time I haven't really been able to put any "unusual" colors in my hair because of the jobs I've had since then. I know a lot of people would think having red in their hair isn't unusual. But I'm not talking about your normal shade of red. I'm talking punk rock red. The kind of red you used to see in mohawks. It's as close to blood red as I can get.

I talked to Master about it and He approved my request. I am currently unemployed and I figure for at least a little while I can have it and who knows maybe the job I get into will allow such things. However, just to play it I'm not putting streaks in. I'm simply going to do what Master calls the "burn marks". He also calls it the "singed look". It is where I was only be dying the tips of my hair. Well, more than just the tips. But you get the idea. It will be along the bottom of my hair. That way, if nothing else, I've have had it for at least a short period of time and if I have to, I can just cut my hair. After all it won't be more than two inches of hair coming off, so my hair would still be long.

I'm hoping I can go buy the hair dye tomorrow. I'm very excited about it.