Fuck You 2014

Today is the last day of 2014. What does this mean? It means that for the next two months I'll be writing the wrong year down until I finally get it through my head that I should be writing 15 instead of 14. And.... that's about it. I don't make new year resolutions. I see them as pointless. If I really want to do something I don't have to make myself a "promise" that this year I'm going to do it. *shrugs* I would, however, like to go on record and say that 2014 has been one of the worst years I've had in a long time. I've thought other years sucked but 2014 has thrown so much shit at me, all at one fucking time. It was literally... I lost my job in February and then about two or three weeks after that my grandfather was in the hospital and never went back home. Fuck. You. Very. Much.

Since that point things just keep hitting, and hitting, and hitting, and hitting some fucking more. Just as one thing started to calm down a little the other kicked up. It's been a very fucking up roller coaster.

The main points have been my losing my job, my grandfather's health that is forever declining, our dog being injured, an unexpected move, a huge fight between Master and His mother, family drama on my side of the family which centers around my grandfather.

*sigh*

But here we are, at the end of it. The very end of it.

Does that mean that absolutely nothing good happened this year? Well, nothing major. There wasn't a one defining moment or anything. But I've been making some money by making and selling paracord. So, I found a new hobby that I can make some pocket money from. I actually enjoy making the items themselves.

Master and I are still going strong, as we have been for damn near twelve years. That is always something to by thankful for. We have been through a metric fuck ton of bullshit this year. But our marriage is just as strong as it always has been.

Certain people in our families have been incredibly supportive and we are trying to be just as supportive to them. There has just been way too much going on. All I can hope for is that 2015 will be better.

Boring Yet Interesting

Sometimes that is how I think of myself. I'm boring but interesting at the same time. It really doesn't have to do with anything at all. Just small stuff that pops into my brain from time to time.

Boring: I have never been a heavy drinker. Ever. I was never a party girl. I was never a bar fly. Nope. None of that. Hell, now I can't even really have my own drink due to the medication I'm on. If I want some I have to basically either order my own and only drink up to half of it or I ask for a few sips from a drink Master is having. It kind of sucks. Like I said, I've never been a heavy drinker but I wouldn't mind a Mike's Hard Lemonade sometimes. I've only ever been drunk twice in my life. Both of those times were accidental.

Interesting: I have tattoos. I have twelve tattoos currently and you can be damn sure I'm not done yet. I've always said that I'll stop at thirteen. Why? I just thought it would be kind of funny. But now I see this tattoo that I want or that tattoo that I want. Yet, I also don't have a lot of room left where I am willing to put tattoos. *shrugs* We shall see. I started getting tattoos when I was 18. If I remember correctly it was shortly after my 18th birthday. And even though people have told me that since I started getting them so young, that I would regret them when I was older. Here I am only a few months shy of being 32 and I don't regret a single one of them.

Boring: I don't have any friends. Well, I kind of do. There is Bry, who is our friend that Master was the best man for his wedding. But I think we've seen him all of three or four times since his wedding, which was about two years ago. Then there is our friend that moved down to Florida and we only saw him once since then and it was because we had just gotten married and his sister had just had a baby. So he pretty much killed two birds with one stone. I don't blame him at all. It's expensive as hell to travel back and forth. I know Master and I can't afford it. And ya know what? I don't want a lot of friends. I am perfectly content as is.

Interesting: I'm a slave. Yep. But then again you knew that. Obviously. I mean here you are reading this post after all.

Boring: I love to read. I guess that's not really boring. But a lot of people think it is. "What do you mean you just sit there and read for fun?" As if reading is a chore or punishment. I don't think it is at all. Hell, I've recently found a new author I like. Oddly enough I found the first book that introduced me to this author at a grocery store of all places. The author is Gilliam Flynn. I devoured that book in no time flat. So I went out and bought another one. Devoured that one too. And so, yet again, I went out and bought another one. I'm reading that one currently. The sucky thing is that she has only written these three books. *sad face* And it's really shocking for me to pick up a book I know nothing about by an author I have never heard of. It worries me that I am shelling out money for something I might have to drag myself through to the end and then hate it. It's not like a movie. I mean, I don't want to waste money on those either, but to me it is different with a book.

Interesting: I have piercings. Three of them to be exact. Oddly enough none of them are in my ears. I used to have my ears pierced. Two on each lobe and one in the cartilage in my left year. I took the one in my cartilage out because my hair continuously got caught in it and that fucking hurts. The four, total, in my lobes I took out because I couldn't really find any earrings that I really loved that weren't gold or a metal I couldn't wear. I can wear gold. I just don't like it. Not even white gold. At least not on myself. So now I just have one piercing in each nipple and a VCH (vertical clit hood) piercing.

Boring: I don't really have a lot of hobbies. I read and just recently I started making paracord bracelets and key chains. I also code for my blog when I get bored with it. I guess you could consider writing in this blog as a hobby, but I don't really see it as one because it is mandatory.

Interesting: I have a fucked up sense of humor, I swear a lot, and I'm morbid. Yes, I guess that counts as three but I'm doing them all in one. So there. My fucked up sense of humor is both out there and dark, depending on my mood. I can normally get people to crack up, especially Master. I swear a lot because well, it's just how I talk. I obviously swear when I'm pissed off or in pain but I swear as it was a perfectly normal way of talking. "What the fuck ever.", "What the shit are you even fucking talking about dude?", "I'm bored as fucking hell. Damn it. Fuuuccckkk. I wanna fucking do something but there is nothing to fucking do." And I'm not even angry when I say those things. It's just how I talk. The only time I'm not talking like that is when I work. Somehow I am, thankfully, able to flip that switch. As far as my being morbid, I'm not what you would think. I'm not gothic. I'm not emo. Sometimes I wish I could look a little more out there. Especially my hair. I would absolutely love having either purple or dark blood red streaks in my hair. But with the line of work I normally have I can't. I wouldn't get hired. Not that I'm getting hired now, but ya know. Whatever. I've thought about doing it anyway. I truly have. Especially the red. I figure I could pass with the blood red streaks. People have red hair. Maybe not that shade but still. Purple? No way. That is so not a natural hair color. What really pisses me off though is that I see people with fucked up hair colors that are working and I'm sitting there thinking to myself, "Then what the fuck is stopping me?" *sigh*

So anyway, those are just a few things that run through my head from time to time.

Change of Scenery

There isn't a lot going on currently. The holidays are over and so at least part of the stress is relieved. The stress factor over the holidays really killed our sex life. *shrugs* Sometimes sex helps relieve stress but there are times, like the past week, where the stress just kills the mood to the point where you just don't want to even try. 

And sometimes you just need a change of surrounding for a little while. Not much of one, just a little bit. So, since my paracord sales have done pretty damn well this past month, we are considering getting a hotel room for a couple of days. It wouldn't be far from home, but that's not the point. The point is just to get out of this place for a little while. I think it would be nice, and I already have someone who said they would keep an eye on our dog and two rabbits for those two days.

I know it may sound silly that we want to go to a hotel room for two days but it would be a break. It would be something a little different. It would kind of be like a mini vacation without really spending a lot of money. We couldn't get like a posh hotel or anything, but I think we could afford something half way decent. And it's not like we would need a hotel with a fuck ton of perks. I just want a room with a comfy bed. 

I think it would be nice. Yes, it wouldn't last long. But still. 

I'll be looking into it to see how much rooms would cost. I have a feeling waiting until after New Year's Day would be our best bet. Mainly due to prices. New Year's Even is kind of crazy so I'm figuring that the hotel room prices would be hiked up at least a little bit.
 

We shall see. 

It's Over

Christmas has never been my favorite holiday. Well, at least not since I was young and even then it was only because I got a lot of presents. *laughs* Since I became a teenager though my favorite holiday has been Halloween. It still is today. But this Halloween didn't feel like Halloween. It felt like a normal day and it sucked. Today was Christmas and while there were some presents exchanged between family members it was short lived and after that it was back to feeling like any other day. The only part I was actually excited about was that the younger family members of mine really, truly appreciated and loved their presents. Other than that, like I said, it was just another day.

Master and I even tried to go out to eat for dinner tonight but only two restaurants anywhere near us were open. One we both hate and the other was packed to the point where we couldn't even fully get in the door. So, that fucking sucked. We were both pissy about it and simply stopped at a gas station, since the grocery stores are closed, and picked up some snacks in addition to what we were going to be eating when we got home.

We weren't mad at each other. It is just irritating when you go out expecting to eat at a restaurant and that is literally the only reason you left the house just to turn around and come home.

But tomorrow already looks like it is going to be a better day. We have to hit the bank and I have to stop somewhere and buy bottled water, but aside from that we plan on catching a late lunch and going out to buy another book for myself. I'm already damn near finished with the one I bought Tuesday. I absolutely love reading. That is one thing that my grandmother got me addicted to before she passed away. It also doesn't help when I have all this damn spare time on my hands.

The only thing that may sour my mood tomorrow is the fact that Master, my brother, and I are all going over to my dad's house. That in and of itself isn't really a problem. It's that bitch that lives with him that I don't want to deal with.

It really, truly, sucks when you want to go spend time with someone, whether it be a family member or a friend, but you don't want to deal with their significant other.

Support System

We are both going through a lot of shit right now. A. Lot. Of. Shit. Both individually and collectively. I'm not talking about inside our marriage. We're not fighting. We're not on the brink of divorce. We're still very much in love and our marriage is strong. However, everything else that is going on is... rough. And that's an understatement. We are both doing the best we can with handling all of this shit. Again, both individually and collectively.

We do our best to be strong, not only for ourselves but for one another. Yesterday we were standing outside talking and I started to tear up a little bit about what we were discussing. I didn't break down. I didn't start weeping. It was a few tears that built up enough in my eyes to trickle down my face. As soon as Master saw that He walked over to me and gave me a big hug while kissing the top of my head.

Can I just say that I love it when He kisses the top of my head? I'm not sure why, but I find it very sweet and comforting. Especially since He is so much taller than me. (A full foot and three inches taller to be exact.) When He does that I am totally surrounded by Him and it calms me down.

I didn't cry much. A few more tears escaped and then I was fine. Well, not fine. But I wasn't crying anymore. When we got back inside He gave me another big hug.

I know that some of it will get at least a tiny bit better once the holidays are over. But it won't be fully over until some pretty major shit goes down. Such as when my grandfather is finally at peace. That poor old man is still here, suffering. Once he is at peace we will all have to hold our breathe to see if everything is going to go smoothly or if world ware three breaks out within my family. I can hope for the first but prepare myself for the latter.

The other parts are not so easily measured. The stuff with my family has a time frame, sort of. The other shit? Not so much. That is basically going to have to play itself out.

All I know is that we are both lucky to have one another. A lot of people are in relationships and a lot of people are in marriages, but not all of those relationships/marriages are healthy. Not all of them have two people that are willing to stand together regardless of what they are facing. We are lucky to have both of those things. We are our own support system.

While we are normally venting about the same thing to one another and are on the same side regarding that topic, it still helps to say things out loud and have someone there.

Handmade Collar Part 2 **UPDATED**

Not that long ago I had made myself a collar out of paracord. I loved it. I really did. But it started coming apart. I was still learning with such things and had actually been using a glue gun at the time because it looked better than when I melted the ends with a lighter. Mainly because I continuously burnt the ends to a crisp because I didn't know how to do it better.

But I had a hell of a time putting it on by myself. I think I had made it just a touch too small because
I didn't take the clip itself into consideration. *shrugs* It is a learning process. One I have gotten a hell of a lot better at.

Anyway... it was hard as hell to put on by myself and the ends of it were coming undone because the glue just wasn't a good method to go with. I've since gone back to burning the tips.

Honestly I stopped wearing it because I wasn't sure how to fix it. I thought about making a new one but I didn't know what colors I would like. I could make it exactly the same but I didn't really want to.

But then I found these skull charms and I absolutely had to buy them. No, I didn't put one on a collar. I made a bracelet for Master with it. So He has the black and purple bracelet with an infinity symbol on it and now a black and white bracelet with three skulls on it.

Well, I obviously wanted a bracelet with a skull on it. So I made a red and black one. I absolutely loved how the colors looked together. The red is very vibrant. Red has always been one of my favorite colors. To me it almost looked like a blood red ribbon going through the middle of the bracelet.

That's when I decided that is how I wanted my new collar to look. So I quickly cut out the infinity symbol on my "old" collar to put on my new one. I made it exactly the same as my new bracelet with the skull charm. Black with a blood red stripe going through the middle. The skull on my bracelet matches the one on Master's, except His bracelet has three and I have one. The infinity symbol on my collar matches the one on His other bracelet.

I am able to put this one on by myself without much trouble. It is still tight enough to feel like a collar but not overly tight, like the last one. I'm really glad I did this.

I received a comment on this post asking for a picture of my new collar.

Here you go! *smiles*

Ugh.

Neither Master or myself are Christians. We're heathens. *pft* But we have always celebrated the holidays with family. Both sides, His and mine, are Christian. And of course there are children involved as well. So we look at it more from the point of view that it's just that time of the year where you get together with family.

This year is harder. It isn't that far away at all. But this year is more.... difficult. A few years ago my grandfather had stopped hosting Christmas out at his house. But he still continued to come see everyone. So we would all gather at my mom's house. This year... well this year he won't be coming. He'll be sitting in a nursing home, probably not even realizing that it is Christmas. Probably not even thinking about any of us because nine times out of ten he doesn't remember that we even exist. Catch him on the right day and yes, he'll know he has grandchildren but not our names. Catch him on any other day and hell... he might even remember that he has two sons. As a result, how could he possibly have grandchildren?

It's hard. Really hard. And as much as we all want him to be at peace we are all also hopeful, selfishly, that he doesn't pass away on Christmas. Honestly that is more for the younger members of our family than for us.

As a result of my grandfather not coming to Christmas at her house my father won't be either. My mother and father have been divorced since I was 17 years old. But my mother and her current husband had my dad over for Christmas so that Grandpa wouldn't have to make another stop and her house is bigger than my dad's. But this year that isn't going to happen. So we'll be meeting up with my dad sometime early this upcoming week.

On the other side of this stress is my mother-in-law. Master and her haven't spoken since September. It was ugly. Master tried many times to basically tell her to back off and leave it alone. But she couldn't. That just isn't the kind of person she is. She has to have the last word. She is the one that is always right. And everyone has to treat her with kid gloves or she automatically climbs up on a cross. Anyway... since she wouldn't let it go and wouldn't stop escalating the matter by taking one low blow after another Master went off. And quite honestly He held a lot back. He went off, but not as much as He could have.

As a result, they haven't spoken. As Christmas is getting closer we were wondering if she was going to contact us. She hasn't. Master is holding His ground and I don't blame Him. If He were to contact her, in her mind she would have won. And she would hold it over both of us. And so we wait. And wait.

This Halloween passed by without seeming like Halloween, and that's my favorite holiday. And this Christmas is passing by more stressful than usual.

Nothing Much

This post will most likely be extremely boring for most people who come here. But I think it's great and therefore I am going to write about it. So there. *sticks tongue out*

I've been making paracord items for a while now. I started making them for friends and family at first. But then I got good enough at it that I started to make them to sell. It started off slow. I had bought quite a bit of paracord supplies as a first investment, so I was a bit worried when I started. Did I make the wrong decision? Did I go overboard? Seriously, I was freaking out a little bit about it. Master assured me that it would pick up and that it was better that I had overstock rather than not have it when I needed it.

I've been "pimping" out my paracord items all over the place and there were a few orders here and there which was cool. A few bucks here. A few bucks there. It isn't much but every little bit helps. Then all of a sudden this week it has blown up! It also helps that my mother has started making gift baskets to sell and has been putting a paracord item that I have made in them. So I get a little money there too! It's awesome.

I know it's mainly due to the holidays but what does it matter? Money is money regardless of when you get it. Also, I'm not going to complain about it. I will say that I had to make two trips to the place I buy my paracord supplies from today. And then tonight I received an order for someone and due to that I have to make another trip to that store tomorrow. Oh well.

I am waiting for the cashiers to know me by name at this rate. *sigh* The good thing is that the store is moving even closer to where I live so that's great.

I do have to say that my shoulders are killing me. Partially because I've been knocking out the bracelets back to back to back. I'd rather sit down for a long time doing them rather than do one here and then in a couple of hours I'll do another. Fuck that.

The other part is because my mother, my brother, and I went to a mall today. Normally it's no big deal but this mall is huge and since my shoulders were already bothering me it was only getting worse. It's not like I didn't have a good time, because I did. But I'm paying for it. Especially since I had to make another two bracelets when I got home.

I used some of the profits of my paracord sales to get Master an early Christmas gift. It's a Sons of Anarchy jacket. I gave it to Him right away. He loves it. He scolded me that I didn't buy anything for myself with my paracord sales money. I told Him that I was going to while I was at the mall because I found a Supernatural winter hat I really wanted. The only reason I didn't buy it for myself is because my brother bought it for me as an early Christmas gift. Can ya tell that the adults don't really wait? We're just like, "Here ya go."

In addition to the Supernatural winter hat my brother bought me a Supernatural wallet for my purse. I love both of the items!

Don't get me wrong, I really love Sons of Anarchy but I love Supernatural more. So Master has all the reaper gear going and I'm starting a little collection of Supernatural items. I found some kick ass necklaces and rings but my nickel allergy always prevents me from buying them. *sad face* I do plan on buying more Supernatural related items. T-shirts, Sweatshirts, etc...

Sore & Sensitive

I normally don't wear underwear. In fact I normally find it uncomfortable. But not that long ago I had purchased a couple of lacy thongs. I had worn one shortly after I purchased them but since I hardly ever wear underwear I hadn't worn the other pair yet. But last night after my shower I put them on. No particular reason. And I know it's not really lingerie but I thought it would please Him. And apparently it did.

Later on in the night He got undressed and we got in bed together. I cuddled up next to Him while He was laying on His side. I reached down and started stroking his cock. He started rubbing my pussy through the lace thong commenting on how nice it looked on me. He moved so that I had to let go of His dick and He started molesting my tits. I gripped at His arms and upper back as I grew more and more turned on. When He was done He knelt up on the bed and reached to take my thong off. I lifted up my hips to make it easier.

He had me slide up on the bed so that He could eat me out. After a certain point I asked Him to finger me while He did so. Shortly after He started doing that I came. He didn't give me any time to recover and I was already overly sensitive. Instead, He grabbed my hips, pulled me down the bed, and then motioned for me to get onto all fours. As soon as I did He pressed on my upper back to let me know that He wanted my ass up and my head down.  I immediately put myself in that position.

As I said I was already very sensitive so as He was fucking me deeply I was clawing at the bed and trying my best to stay still. It's not so much that He doesn't ever want me to move during sex but when He grips certain parts of my body, such as the way He was gripping my hips last night, I know better than to move. After almost twelve years of our being together I know these things.

He allowed me to cum several times before He told me to lay on my stomach. While I started to move and had my right leg down fully He pushed His knee against my left leg so that it was flat on the bed but bent at the knee.

Sometimes I'm still surprised at how deep He can get inside me. Just when I think He couldn't possibly get any deeper, He does. After that point I was just His fuck toy. I wasn't allowed to cum anymore and sometimes, to me, that's even hotter. Especially when I'm already worked up and have had several orgasms and now I have to keep my body from tipping over yet again into one. (Yay for being able to have multiple orgasms!)

I begged for His cum and after He filled me we stayed in the position we were in except He was also bent over me, propping Himself up on His hands. Once He moved He collapsed next to me and I scooted over to Him so I could rest my head on His chest. It is one of the most comfortable things in the world after sex.

I cleaned Him off and then we got ready for bed. As soon as we curled up we both drifted off.

I'm still sore today. I love it.

Squeeze

Last night Master and I were sitting on the bed. I had my head lowered and was nuzzling His neck on and off. I would stop and lightly kiss Him on the mouth before nuzzling Him again. Eventually He grabbed my throat and forced me to lay on my back. He then very aggressively started molesting my tits with His mouth. Normally He is rough when He does that but this time His teeth were used almost constantly, including when He would take my entire breast into my mouth. I don't mean to say that to make it sound like my tits are small. I'm a mid b-cup... but He has a big mouth. *laughs* He wouldn't remove His hand from my throat the entire time. He wasn't applying much pressure but He made sure that no matter what He did His hand was on my throat and both of my arms were pinned down by His body.

When He was done He sat up, while still gripping my throat, and forced my legs apart before slapping my pussy lips lightly. As He maneuvered Himself in between my legs He applied more pressure with His hand. As He forcibly entered me He squeezed my throat even more.

I felt myself getting light headed. He would ease up on the pressure on my throat long enough for me to gasp a few deep breaths and then He would apply more pressure than He did before. He is always very, very careful when He's choking me. He makes sure to balance Himself in such a way that there is never a risk of Him slipping and accidentally applying His full body weight to my throat. Although He does love getting me as close as possible to passing out before allowing me to breathe. And I have to admit that I love it too. I know that I can tap His arm at any time which is basically a "safety" thing where if I feel uncomfortable or unsafe He will completely let go. That has actually never happened.

After He was done He laid on top of me and alternated in positions He wanted me twisted into. While He had both of my legs on His shoulders He leaned forward, effectively bending me in half.  I reached down and started massaging His balls. He had already allowed me to cum several times but as He got closer to His orgasm He ordered me to cum once again. As soon as mine peaked His started.

We were both very tired afterward. It didn't take long before we started getting settled in to go to sleep.

Figure Out Something

Master and I have been kind of up and down lately. Well, not us as in a couple. But us as individuals. We're either just kind of there, a little down, or irritable. Yes, it is broken up by pockets where we are joking around and laughing with one another. But it is obviously getting to both of us. As a result Master told me today that we have to figure out something to do with just the two of us. Just leave the house and not come back for a little while. We have ran a couple of errands recently but it was only for about a half hour, tops. And that is including drive time.

It is like cabin fever is already setting in and it's only the middle of December. I honestly think that everything going on in our families is not helping. Both my side and His. Granted it's only one or two select people on each side, but it's enough to fuck with our zen.

What we're going to do I have no idea. We'll figure something out. But with our not having a lot of money it limits our options. *shrugs*

I feel kind of cuddly today. Cuddly and affectionate. Honestly that isn't unlike me. But it is kicked up a notch today. Not necessarily all day. It pretty much got kicked up to this level about two hours ago. But I'm also sore, so yeah.

Anyway....

There hasn't been a lot going on. In general. There isn't a lot going on here at home. There isn't a lot going on with anyone. And there isn't a lot going on in our dynamic. Not due to any reason in particular. Right now it's just the normal stuff. Nothing really of note. I'm not complaining, I'm just explaining why I haven't really written about it.

Not Sick.... But....

I haven't been doing all that great today. It's nothing in particular. I'm not sick. But earlier today my blood sugar crashed rather suddenly. That may have something to do with how I'm feeling now.

Master and I were out and about when all of a sudden my hand started to shake a little bit when I was holding something. Okay, I know that is a sign that I need to eat in order to get my blood sugar back up. No big deal. But within the matter of 15 minutes the shaking got worse. We weren't that far from home though, thankfully. So after we got into the door I had a cookie and then some chips.

I felt okay after that. But about a hour ago I started to feel worn the fuck out. Not only tired but exhausted for absolutely no reason. And everything just hurts. My joints and muscles don't like me right now.

As a result I pretty much immediately went and took my bath so I could get that out of the way. It's a lot earlier than I normally would take one. And after my bath I put on my most comfortable hoodie and a pair of sweat/yoga pants. I don't know really what to call them. It's not one or the other really... *shrugs* All I know is that they are comfortable.

Master told me to rest. So I figured I should get my post done for today too. I'm just kind of having a hard time actually concentrating enough to write out this post. I'm not completely out of it. I can pay attention to things and follow it... But writing? Not so much.

I'm also waiting to hear about my brother. He went to a walk-in clinic because he felt a pop in his chest and since then has been having a difficult breathing. He has quite a few health problems. He has asthma, seizures, and heart issues.

So they are running tests and took an x-ray and have given him a breathing treatment. That's all I know for sure right now. I'm not really getting myself worked up about it though. Not that I'm not worried about him... it's just that there is no need to get worked up until I know exactly what is going on so I am trying to push that to the back of my head for now.

I will say that Master has been babying me today because I don't feel well. He pretty much ordered me to get comfortable and relax as soon as my bath was done. Yes Sir! *smirks*

Under My Skin

I would like to go back to being a teenager please. Okay, only in certain things. I don't want to have to worry about money anymore and I want to not have to worry about the shit storm that is currently going on with my family. Everything is guessing and speculation.

"How much longer do you think Grandpa is going to be able to keep going on?" - I have no idea. Hopefully not much longer.

"Do you think your dad is going to keep his promise and actually have his body at the wake?" - He damn well better.

"Do you think your dad is going to keep his promise about putting a plaque next to Grandma's?" - Again, he damn well better.

"Do you think your dad is going to keep his promise about giving everyone the money they agreed to since he 'can't find the will'?" - Once more, he damn well better.

"How ugly do you think it's going to get if he doesn't?" - Pretty fucking ugly.

"How are you going to react to your dad if he doesn't?" - I'm not sure and I'm not looking forward to finding out.

"Do you think your dad's 'girlfriend' is going to say anything?" - If she does she is going to be lucky if all I do is verbally assault her.

You get the idea. And, as you may have noticed, it all revolves around my father. And it's not just one person asking me these things. It's my mom, it's my brother, and it's my mother's husband. Sometimes it's Master too but that's mainly when I start talking about it and we both start bouncing things off of one another.

I understand that my brother looks to me for these things because I'm his big sister and if he talks to mom about it he doesn't feel like he really got an answer because my mom is trying to walk that fine line of "he's still your dad" and "your dad is a complete bastard right now". I think it's a bit harder on her because it is her ex-husband and we are both of their children. So while my mom is constantly trying to do right by us my father is pretty much like, "Hey you wanna come hang out?"

And he's not even doing that anymore! I have to be the one to contact him. Yesterday Master and I went over there and it was just.... weird. My dad seemed kind of distant. He wasn't really all that talkative. After the first half hour of our being there that bitch that is now living with him actually fell asleep in her chair. That is just fucking rude. If you are tired and you have company over you excuse yourself and go lay down. You don't just crash out in your chair. Dumb whore.

And it was shortly after that where my dad pretty much became quiet. We had been joking a bit back and forth until then. Master and I stayed a while longer and tried engaging him in conversation the whole time but we'd get a few words out of him and that would be it. So we left.

And I know it's not anyone's fault that these questions are floating around. They are on everyone's mind. But today all the speculation was just getting under my skin. And so I remained calm and just nodded and smiled and gave the same answer I've been giving. There's not much else I can do.

Normally it doesn't bother me this much. But today they all seemed to wiggle under my skin and irritate me. Especially since it was first my brother and then my mom. Like I said, I'm not mad at anyone. It's just how it is today.

Move Along

I've been pretty bummed lately. Not depressed. Not even close to being depressed. But just down and bummed. I try to joke around as much as possible because I feel better when I do. But then things settle down and I go back to being bummed. I don't know how else to describe it except for bummed. I also feel spread out and scattered.

It's nothing that anyone is doing. It's nothing that I'm doing. It's all circumstantial. The weather also isn't helping. Due to the weather I either wake up with my sinuses killing me or a pounding headache. If I'm lucky it's both. Today was just the headache.

The whole situation with my Grandpa is really getting to me. I just want it all to be done. I want him to be at peace and for us to be able to grieve and figure out all the other shit that will occur after the fact. Which, quite honestly, sounds like it is going to be ugly.

Not working is not helping either. Income would be nice. I'm making all the paracord items and yes I have sold some, which is nice, but I want something reliable. And it's not like I'm getting rich off the paracord. Trust me, I'm not. But I enjoy doing it and I have made a little money. It's better than nothing.

I know the whole bummed and scattered feeling is showing on my face. Several people have told me that I look tired and pale. Well, I'm naturally pale so when someone tells me I look pale, that's pretty bad.

I'm not sick. Aside from the headaches and sinus pressure in the morning I feel fine. *shrugs*

Tomorrow Master and I are going to go see my dad for a little while. I'm not totally looking forward to it but it gets me out of the house. We'll also be stopping at the craft store I go to because I asked Master today if it would be okay to make our dog a collar out of the paracord. I made one for a customer and I like the look of it. Master said it would be fine so we'll be picking up the things I need there before we go to my dad's. Then later on tomorrow night or maybe Sunday I'll make the dog collar. I hope it turns out nicely. If it doesn't I'll have to take it all apart and start over.

Master has been trying to keep me laughing. It's not like my life is all woe is me. It's not. But right now I can't shake that bummed and scattered feeling.

Why Won't It End?

My grandfather is breathing. I don't know why. I don't know how. I don't understand it at all. That poor man has been through more hell these past months than I can imagine. He went from having bad and good days to having more bad days than good. For a very long time after that it was bad and good moments to more bad moments than good. But for the past two to three months it has been so much worse. The hallucinations are back in full force. Sometimes the only person he remembers is his deceased wife. At times he says he never had kids and therefore doesn't have any grandchildren. He can't walk anymore at all, assisted or not. He can't even maneuver his wheelchair around anymore except for a little bit around his room and that wears him out quickly. The nurses and doctors are stating that they may have to leave him in bed more and more because of his inability to sit up under his own will at times. Also, he has the habit of blocking the door to his room with the wheelchair while he sits in it so no one can get in.

Not that long ago he had fallen and cracked his head open. He has a nice scar on the back of his head now. Honestly I'm surprised that alone didn't kill him. He hardly eats at all and his body is eating away at itself. It has been for some time now.

Not to be disgusting but he is going through at least eight sets of clothing each day. He loses control of his bodily functions in a rather violent way and even though he is diapers it is not.... containing it.

The doctors have said time and time again that he wouldn't be alive still. In May he wasn't supposed to last through July. In July he wasn't supposed to last to his birthday, in September. In September he wasn't supposed to make it to Halloween. And yet here we are in December and he's still here. And now the doctors are using the phrase, "All we can do now is make him comfortable."

They have put leggings on him to help with the water retention which has been pretty damn bad this past week. They have him on some pretty strong pain killers as of yesterday.

Where are the angels of mercy when you need them? That may offend some people but in this case I truly think it would be a mercy. I would want that for me if that is how I had been living, or existing anyway, for this long with absolutely no hope of getting any better and 100% likelihood of it getting worse.

Blah

Today has been one of those I'm tired for no reason type of days. I ran a few errands today but it wasn't really a lot. It was two stores. Each store took longer than it really should have but still. I think it's mainly the weather. It wasn't that bad out two days ago. Yesterday was gray and rainy. Today is just.. cold. It wouldn't be so bad if the wind wasn't blowing but it is. Oh well.

I feel like I want to sleep. All. Day. Long. I have no reason to be tired and it annoys me. I know that I got some sleep last night. It was broken up but it was still sleep.

I also feel sluggish. *sigh*

I wish someone would get back to me about a damn job. I am going guano. When I was working I would have loved a full two weeks off of work just to collect myself and relax for more than a day and a half each week.

But now? Now I've been unemployed since late February. It sucks. It sucks a lot. It's like I've said before though.. I don't really miss work I miss the paycheck. While working would alleviate some of my boredom I don't really miss it.

I guess I'm just kind of down today. I wouldn't call it depressed. Just blah. I've been trying to keep myself in a good mood. It works for the most part. I'm smiling and laughing and joking around. I'm not faking it or anything. I am just seeking it out a bit more today. But now? Now I'm just blah. I'm just kind of here.

The weird thing is that I wouldn't even really say I'm bored. I mean the only things that are going on is that I'm doing my blog post and Master is playing a video game right now. But stating that I'm bored would imply that I want to do something else. However, I can't think of anything to do nor do I really want to do anything.

Nothing is wrong. Just feel tired and worn out. Yippee.