Under My Skin

I would like to go back to being a teenager please. Okay, only in certain things. I don't want to have to worry about money anymore and I want to not have to worry about the shit storm that is currently going on with my family. Everything is guessing and speculation.

"How much longer do you think Grandpa is going to be able to keep going on?" - I have no idea. Hopefully not much longer.

"Do you think your dad is going to keep his promise and actually have his body at the wake?" - He damn well better.

"Do you think your dad is going to keep his promise about putting a plaque next to Grandma's?" - Again, he damn well better.

"Do you think your dad is going to keep his promise about giving everyone the money they agreed to since he 'can't find the will'?" - Once more, he damn well better.

"How ugly do you think it's going to get if he doesn't?" - Pretty fucking ugly.

"How are you going to react to your dad if he doesn't?" - I'm not sure and I'm not looking forward to finding out.

"Do you think your dad's 'girlfriend' is going to say anything?" - If she does she is going to be lucky if all I do is verbally assault her.

You get the idea. And, as you may have noticed, it all revolves around my father. And it's not just one person asking me these things. It's my mom, it's my brother, and it's my mother's husband. Sometimes it's Master too but that's mainly when I start talking about it and we both start bouncing things off of one another.

I understand that my brother looks to me for these things because I'm his big sister and if he talks to mom about it he doesn't feel like he really got an answer because my mom is trying to walk that fine line of "he's still your dad" and "your dad is a complete bastard right now". I think it's a bit harder on her because it is her ex-husband and we are both of their children. So while my mom is constantly trying to do right by us my father is pretty much like, "Hey you wanna come hang out?"

And he's not even doing that anymore! I have to be the one to contact him. Yesterday Master and I went over there and it was just.... weird. My dad seemed kind of distant. He wasn't really all that talkative. After the first half hour of our being there that bitch that is now living with him actually fell asleep in her chair. That is just fucking rude. If you are tired and you have company over you excuse yourself and go lay down. You don't just crash out in your chair. Dumb whore.

And it was shortly after that where my dad pretty much became quiet. We had been joking a bit back and forth until then. Master and I stayed a while longer and tried engaging him in conversation the whole time but we'd get a few words out of him and that would be it. So we left.

And I know it's not anyone's fault that these questions are floating around. They are on everyone's mind. But today all the speculation was just getting under my skin. And so I remained calm and just nodded and smiled and gave the same answer I've been giving. There's not much else I can do.

Normally it doesn't bother me this much. But today they all seemed to wiggle under my skin and irritate me. Especially since it was first my brother and then my mom. Like I said, I'm not mad at anyone. It's just how it is today.