August 3, 2014

Gut Shot

Master went to bed early tonight. I wasn't tired because I ended up taking a nap on the couch earlier this evening. Also normally I haven't been going to bed until about 3am whether I take a nap or not... so... Yeah. It sucks. I was just trying to figure out something to do after He went to sleep. He told me that I could watch a movie and I know that I can but I'm always worried about the TV waking Him up and/or keeping Him awake. I know that sometimes when I go to bed before He does I can hear the TV so I don't really want to risk waking Him up and/or keeping Him up by watching it. Especially since right now we have our AC fan going and that creates quite a bit of white noise, so I'm worried that I would have to turn up the volume on the TV just to hear it.

Rather than risking that I did some job hunts and now I am doing this post. There isn't really a lot to say.... I mean it's not like anything is really new. I'm sometimes having a hard time falling asleep still. I'm waiting on my father to get back to us either today (Sunday) or tomorrow (Monday) about what day this upcoming week they want our help. I can't wait until the estate sale is done. Once that is done there shouldn't really be a need for us to go out there anymore unless it's one last time to help clear out everything that didn't sell.

I just don't want to go out there anymore. I'm dealing with it now because I want it to be over with and I want to help my family. It just so happens that by helping my family I am bringing the whole being over with part closer to becoming a reality.

I got the car registration reminder in the mail the other day. It didn't really bother me at first but for some reason it did for a split second today. I have it laying on an end table in the living room and as I walked past it I happened to glace down for some reason and I saw my grandfather's name on it and I felt a little sick to my stomach. I didn't feel like I was actually going to be physically sick but it was one of those quick emotional gut shots out of fucking left field.

When I bought the car my grandfather helped me by cosigning for it since his credit was better than mine. (This was before Master and I were married.) So both my name and my grandfather's name are on the title and registration. The reminder obviously goes to my address but it has both of our names on there. I ended up just flipping that stupid piece of paper over. It was just one of those things where the first thing that popped into my head when I saw it was, "When he's gone I'll have to get a copy of his death certificate to take his name off the title of the car." That is when the gut shot sensation happened.

It's just one of those things where I don't want him to suffer anymore but when little things like that go barreling through my mind it hurts. But what he is going through is worse than anything I am going through as a result of what is happening to him. There is no comparison at all. Not even close. I just learned the other day that he only weighs 120lbs now! Also, his muscles are thinning. He is yawning and very tired all of the time. He doesn't move that much anymore. He says it hurts. I just don't understand why he is still here. I don't understand why his body just keeps on going when the mind and soul aren't willing to be here anymore. It makes less sense to me with every day that I don't get that phone call telling me that he's passed away.

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