Ramblings

It seems like I'm doing a post for absolutely no reason at all more and more lately. Hell yesterday I did two, technically.

Anyway, my brother came up to visit today and we did end up going to see Godzilla. It was slow moving honestly. And there was hardly any screen time for the Big G, unfortunately. I mean I didn't hate the movie or anything. But I was disappointed. From all of the hype, it was not what I was expecting at all. I'm not saying I regret going. After all, if nothing else, I got to go out and have some fun with my Husband and my brother. My brother stayed long enough to have dinner afterward, which was cool. He had to go home shortly there after because he has to work in the morning, which I totally understood.

In regards to my mother's husband, he is back at home. They are pretty sure it was a really bad case of heat stroke. They are sure that it wasn't a heart attack or a stroke but they still want him to go to a cardiologist. That is basically because he hasn't been taking his blood pressure medication the way he was supposed to for over a year. He had a stress test and all that and did okay. But they just want to know what's going on so he'll be going to a few doctor appointments in a rather short period of time. He's not too happy about but my mom basically told him tough shit. She called me at 8:30pm and asked me what I thought she should do in regards to him working on Thursday. The doctor told her that he shouldn't be left alone for the next 48 hours and that he should take it as easy as possible. His job isn't really physical at all but I told Mom that if I were her I would make him stay home. After all she has all of the ER and discharge paperwork so if his job really wants to be a dick about it she has something to prove that this happened. He may not like it but sometimes ya just have to put your foot down. And I'm not saying that simply because she is in a "vanilla" relationship. I have pulled shit like that on Master in the past when He's been really ill. The dynamic goes out the window when it comes to His health.

I also discovered that the Contact Kitten page wasn't working. Apparently when I had to redo the code on the blog I forgot to put that particular string of code back in. *sigh*I fixed that and thankfully it was easy to do. I hate it when I miss something like that. So, if anyone has tried sending me a message I'm sorry but I didn't get it. But it's fixed now!

We haven't received those paracord bracelets I had won last week yet. I won them last Tuesday and they said they would be in the mail the next day. So it's officially been one week since they said they would be mailed. I know that there was no mail on Monday due to the holiday so I'm hoping they'll be here tomorrow. I know they were free, but still.. I figure if they aren't here by Thursday I'll message the place to bring it to their attention. I was hoping they would have been here by now, but hey.. shit happens and like I said they were free so I can't really bitch too much. I was flipping through their website and Master found one that He really wants. It wasn't eligible to pick from when I won them so I figure we'll order that one for Him after I get a job. And then I'm going to buy myself a Furrybone figurine. Obviously neither of those things will happen until I have some time under my belt at the new job.

Master had commented on how I've been cranky and somewhat pissy most of the night. He told me that He understands that I'm on the rag but still...

So I thought it would be best to hop online while He's playing His video game and blast some music into my ear buds while I'm typing this out. I'm not sure why I'm pissy. I'm sore but that's pretty much it. There isn't anything going on. I'm not mad at anyone. I'm not pissed off about anything in particular. So I figure it's probably a mix of hormones and being sore. *shrugs* It's no excuse of course, but that's why I'm blasting some music. That normally helps when there is really no rhyme or reason to it. I don't think it has anything to do with the fact that I'm bipolar. It's not one of those "I'm going to rip someone's head off" type pissed off for no reason moments.

I do have to say that the music is helping and I actually feeling a lot calmer right now. I don't know what it is but sometimes that's all I really need.

Flood Warning

Have you ever had one of those days where something seems wrong but you don't know what? By wrong, I mean with how you're feeling. I feel off. Master has commented on it. He's asked me what is wrong. I honestly have no idea. So I thought that maybe rambling on with the blog post for a while may or may not help. Sometimes writing will bring shit to light in my brain. So.. I've got my blog post going and music in my ear buds. Let's see if this helps.

Since my review last week I have felt very off at work. I feel.. nervous I guess. After four years I didn't expect this bullshit. Especially when it's obvious that they are picking every little action apart and expecting me to be 100% all of the time. I'm human mother fucker. And the small stuff I'm behind on is exactly that. Small. I am behind on that so I can keep the important shit on time. You're the ones who lost three people in the department and haven't replaced any of them. Two of them you people fired. So hello... Also? I'm the only one in my entire department who does what I do. Literally. Everyone else works on other shit. You fired the other girl who did the same kind of work I do.

Oh, and another thing that makes me slightly nervous is that since those last two people who got fired from my department I'm not the longest running analyst in that entire department if you don't include my supervisor and trainer.

Everyone else has only been there for a year and a half or less. I can't believe I didn't realize that until just now. Yeah, that makes me nervous too. Maybe they want all fresh blood so they can pay them less. They fired the last two, one quit, and now I feel like I'm being purposefully scared at work in the hopes that I'll quit. Or maybe they are just doing it so I won't make any waves about anything at all, let alone my bullshit raise.

So I've had that gut feeling that I need to get while the going is good. I've been tossing my resume around more and more. So far nothing, but it's only been a week since I've been more than just passively browsing job postings. I know something will come along. I just hope it's sooner rather than later.

It also feels like I'm taking one step forward and being forcefully being knocked back five. It's one thing on top of another lately.

I didn't talk about some of it here on the blog, because I'm slightly embarrassed by it. But fuck it.. who cares.

It started with the car. She needed just under $500 tossed at her because something went wrong with the transmission. That came right after the fact that I took three extra days off work just for the fuck of it. Well, that little fiasco caused me to take another three days off.

After that it was quiet for a little while. Not long. But for a little while. Next came the part I was slightly embarrassed about. One of my teeth completely broke off. It's gone. The tooth was dead so it didn't hurt but it's a blow to the vanity I guess. It's visible. Master reassured me over and over again that it's not obvious and that I'm still beautiful. I know He means it. I know He's not blowing smoke up my ass. And I appreciate that. I really needed to hear that at the time.

Well, there is more time off for the dentist. And to add insult to injury I couldn't get it fixed. My insurance didn't cover enough of it and the cost is just fucking astronomical. So that's on the back burner right now.

Again, it went quiet for a short period of time. Then the car acted up again. I had taken in her for her oil change and they needed to do a quick fix on her because she was leaking power steering fluid all over the damn place.

A little more time off of work. But then the following Monday came around and she just wasn't right. Something was still very wrong. Yep. Sure as shit. The quick fix wasn't enough. New rack and pinnon and both outer tie rods. Not good. Very unsafe actually.

A day and a half off work right there. And almost another $500 plopped into the car.

So. Much. Fun.

So now, I'm only four months into this work anniversary year and I'm already down to five hours of personal time. All of my vacation days are gone. Three of them because I wanted to and the rest were either due to the car or due to my teeth.

Same with the personal time. I'd say only about 10 of those hours were because I wanted to and the rest went to the car and my teeth. The teeth took more than one day because I was trying to find another place that would maybe be cheaper. That didn't happen. So I feel like that time off work was for nothing. I was trying to balance out the vacation days and personal time but it still didn't work out the way I had hoped.

So if I use those last five hours before finding a new job I'll go over again and that means a written warning at work which then means I'm one away from being "terminated" as they like to call it. So hopefully I won't have to use those five hours for interviews, so I land one.

It would be one thing if I had done it all just for the fuck of it. Then I could see where it's my fault. But 80% of it was out of my control. Not that it matters. The result is the same.

All of this and Master and I still have the goal of moving the hell out of here sooner rather than later. It seems to be getting worse here each time they move a new person in. And lately that has been pretty frequent because people keep moving out.

But each time something happens that goal seems farther and farther away. And it's really starting to piss me off.

It pissed me off more when I realized that we are signing a new one year lease with our current landlord this month. We should be getting the renewal agreement in the mail within the next week. We could do a bi-monthly lease but that's an additional $60 a month for rent. Fuck that noise.

Then, last night, Master received an e-mail from BC. You know, the married guy who lives with his parents? Yeah. That one.

Well guess fucking what. They are moving. They want us to help them at the end of this month. Never mind we helped them last time they moved out of his parents house. We did 90% of it because everyone else just wanted to stand there and talk.

Literally less than six months later they moved back in with his parents. Now they are trying it again... a couple of years later.

He's our friend. So I understand why he reached out to us to help him move. But the way the last move went, it ended up leaving a sour taste in my mouth for helping them move anything. Not to mention the fact that I still can't stand his fucking wife.

It also feels like salt being rubbed in the wound of our own end goal of moving. They could do it because they weren't paying rent for two years and could do with their money what they want. 

I know I'm being bitter. And I don't really give a fuck right now. I also know that it's not BC's fault and he doesn't know why I would feel that way. I probably shouldn't feel that way, but I do. Maybe if I could live rent free for a couple of years I would be in a better situation. But I left my parent's house at 17 and have been paying rent and bills since then. So ya know, a 36 year old who only lived outside of his parent's house for a whopping four years all told.. yeah. And that's only if you total them all up. They have been small breaks here and there and before you know it he's right back at home.

Ugh.

So, to make it short but sweet I would say my problem is stress and my mind spinning trying to figure out how to skip that whole being knocked back five paces every time I take one step forward. It's just a lot of juggling in my head.

Need a new job. Need to make sure we keep on top of shit. Pray that the car behaves now. Keep the end goal of moving to Master's home town in sight and reminding myself that it is realistic and obtainable.

The amazing thing is that I don't feel depressed. Yay for bipolar medication. I do feel myself shutting off mentally every so often. It's getting more frequent, but I can still flip the switch back on without any effort. The shut off thing is a defense mechanism so that I don't stress myself out to the point of going down the rabbit hole and having to fight tooth and claw to get myself back out.

My mind is not a fun place to be right now. Like I said, I'm not depressed. I'm not in a rage state of mind. It's just.. dark in there I guess.

Cry me a river, right? Yeah. I know. I keep telling myself that it could all be so much worse. The funny thing is that I didn't even realize all of this until I started typing. Blogging can be therapeutic from time to time. It can also, obviously, help me sort shit out that I didn't even know I was thinking.

That's so fucked up. How are you thinking about something, or multiple somethings, and not even realize what it all is. You just feel that spinning sensation and feel run down. Next thing you know you put pen to paper or fingers to a keyboard and it all floods out.

Useful

Master and I were talking about my blog for a few minutes prior to my doing this post. I had asked Him what I should post about. He said He had no idea. Well, neither do I. So, I asked Him if He still found this blog useful.

It all started off with a hand written journal. We only saw each other twice a week for the first two years of our relationship due to the distance between us. Oh, and He would sleep over one night a month. It sucked, but what are ya gonna do? If You want to make it work you take what you can get and make the best of it. The hand written journal was so He could read what had been on my mind during the rest of the week, when He wasn't there. It gave Him more of an insight. Plus we had just started the dynamic as well as the relationship. We were in the early stages of both.

When we started living together it was still a hand written journal. It wasn't until we were married that it went from a hand written journal to a blog. Part of the reason why is because it's easier for me to do. It's also easier for Him to read. We were running out of room to put the hand written journals too.

Things still come across my mind that deal with the dynamic and my thoughts and feelings. But lately it's been day to day shit, work, and stress.

That's it.

And it sucks. But at the same time there isn't really a lot going on where I need to post about the dynamic itself. When it was all ups and downs before I was medicated it helped us both. A lot actually. But I'm "stable" now and haven't questioned our dynamic since being medicated.

His answer to my question was that He does find it useful when it's about my thoughts and feelings. But when it's the day to day shit, no He does not. And I understand that. Just as I don't really find it useful unless I'm venting, pouring out my thoughts, or writing about really incredible sex. (The sex thing is just so I can mentally relive it...)

Does that mean this blog is coming down? No. Does that mean I'll be posting less? No. Master has not said I can go down from posting every day, so unless He tells me I don't have to post or I ask permission to skip it and He grants it... I'll continue to post everyday.

I hope I stumble onto an interesting topic soon.

Ramblings

I had a really, really difficult time falling asleep last night. I think I finally passed out a little after 1am. My alarm went off at 5:15am. At least I got some sleep.

The weather was rather fucked up on my way to work. I took the dog out and it was pouring. I step out about 15 minutes later to head off to work and there was no rain what so ever. Weird. Then on the way to work it would be fine and then out of nowhere the rain would pour down so hard that I couldn't see a damn thing more than a few feet in front of me. I'm really glad I know how to fucking drive and also glad that other people were smart enough to have their headlights on.

I put in a 10 hour day, excluding my short as hell lunch break. The time dragged for most of it but I did get quite a bit done. It does look like I'll be having to do that the rest of this week though. So, I'll be sending a text to the passenger in my carpool to let him know that unless he wants to get to work before 6:30am on Thursday and Friday, then he might want to find another ride. I'm glad it's a four day work week.

Since I got out of work I feel like the bags under my eyes are huge. I know I look exhausted, but oddly enough I'm not. In fact I'm fully awake right now. I'm moving slow and spaced the hell out but I'm awake. Master was already kind enough to work on my back after dinner, so that is feeling better already. But I'm still moving slow. Like I said I'm spaced out and as a result I feel like I'm moving in slow motion.

On the way home from work I heard a song on the radio that just stuck in my fucking head. It's another In This Moment song. I don't really like the band itself. Honestly. But I did love their song "Blood".

But this one is odd. (Yes, Master I know that "Blood" was odd as hell to You. It is to me too, but this one is even more out there.)

When it first started playing on the radio I was sitting there going, "What the fuck....?"

But then it got to the chorus and that is what is stuck in my head. I hate it when you only really love part of the song. But oh well. I've already played it three times while I've been posting it. What's it called? It's called "Whore".

The chorus is just running through my head over and over again. Which, I'm sure you've already assumed, is why I've played it three fucking times. The bad thing is that it seems to just be cementing it even more. So now apparently I like two of their songs. Hm.

Well, it's no different than Korn. Master hates that band. A lot. I don't really care for them either but I like a handful of their songs.

Told you I would ramble.

Drawing A Blank

I've been drawing a blank lately in regards to my blog posts. Master told me to skip it last night. No real reason or anything along those lines. He just told me to skip it.

But I know that my blog posts haven't been very in depth and have been more about the day to day stuff rather than thoughts or much lifestyle related.

So I was thinking about that a little earlier today and honestly it's because not a lot is going on anywhere across the board aside from work. It's not a bad thing and I'm not complaining. It just doesn't make much for blog posts. Add to that the fact that work has been mentally wiping me out so when it comes time to sit down and do a post, I feel like a damn mental zombie.

I just sit there staring at the screen and wondering what the hell to write about. Like now.

I will say that I skipped out of work two hours early. I've just had no patience at work lately. I know that part of it is because I know I'll be looking for a new job soon but the majority of it is because I've been so swamped and things just aren't going well in general. As in things keep getting changed, clients are cracking down even though they aren't providing what we need and nine times out of ten I'm waiting on them. But whatever.

Since I got out early Master and I decided to run most of our errands. We went to get more dog food, did our groceries and made one more quick stop before going home.

He showed me a demo for a video game we are both looking forward to. After that we ate dinner and exchanged back rubs. I didn't realize how sore I was until He started working on my lower back. It feels much better now, I just find it odd that you don't really notice something like that until pressure is applied.

See, I'm just rambling random shit. *sigh* Hopefully one day soon my brain will kick back into gear.

Crossroads

You see that icon directly to the left? Yes, that one. That's kind of how I'm feeling lately. I'm not depressed or anything along those lines. Actually I'm rather proud to say that I have been stable for quite some time now. That may sound odd, but I truly am proud of that given how I used to be. I'm taking care to try to pay more attention to my moods and emotions and keep on top of them.

So now that the disclaimer is out of the way, as I said the get up, survive, and go to bed is kind of how life feels right now. I wouldn't call it a rut. I would call it a crossroad where I'm not sure which way to turn, so I'm standing in the middle of it.

For instance I'm not sure what to do about the job situation. I have a good job. The benefits are really, really good. However, since it is so far from home the gas is just eating away at the profits. Especially when the person in my carpool isn't going to work so I don't have the extra help. For instance, he is going to be gone for the next week and a half. It's not like I get mad about it or anything, I just look at the gas tank and see dollar signs. You know like in those older cartoons where the eyes would spin and when they finally stop it's dollar signs? Yes, like that. I would much prefer a job that I can get to on public transit. But the thought of changing jobs is a little overwhelming. I've been with this company for almost four years. I have some time in. Going to a new job is kind of scary, ya know? Especially when you look at the benefits side of things. You never know how much that kind of thing can cost. I've honestly never asked about them at a job interview. Why? Because I was more worried about getting a better paying job and getting out of the one I had at the time.

But now? It's not that I want to change jobs to get the hell out, it's just to save on gas and to not run the car into the ground. If my car is in the shop or something along those lines I have no way of getting to or from work. I'm sure I could call in a favor for a day or two, but that would be about it. So yes, that worries me a little bit.

I'm basically at a point in my life where I'm not sure how to keep moving upward and to continue to do my part in bettering our situation.

I've reached my ceiling at my current job. There is no where to move up to. So basically I have to wait until my work anniversary and hope to get a decent raise. Or who knows, get a raise at all. It wouldn't be based on my performance. All the higher ups know I work hard. It's just whether or not they decide to do raises that year. I've heard of many jobs that put a raise hold in place for a year or two. Hell, my last job didn't give me a raise at any point in time.

A second job isn't really feasible. With my current schedule if I took one on I would be living to work rather than working to live. I would burn myself out fast. College is also out of the question. I won't go into the reasons why on that. I'm simply stating that before someone suggests it.

Like I said I feel like I'm at a standstill on everything.

And not just financially. I mean on everything.

Master and I are fine. Our marriage is fine our dynamic is still in place.

Another standstill is about finding a female friend with benefits. I've tried in the past via websites but have had no luck what so ever. Some wanted a romantic relationship, which I am not interested in. I have never wanted a romantic relationship with a woman regardless of the fact that I'm bisexual. Or they wanted me to leave my Husband. I know they may seem like the same thing but in the first scenario it was them wanting to be my girlfriend and being "okay" with my being married. The second scenario was basically if I wanted some fun with them I would have to commit fully.

I will completely admit to the fact that I have given up for a long time. I haven't actively sought out a female friend with benefits in a few years now. I just got frustrated to the point of throwing my arms in the air and saying, "I'm done!"

That was also before I was medicated though. So maybe I can try again. Maybe I'll be able to be more patient this time and not give up so easily.

The gay bars around here don't really welcome bisexuals. Add that to the fact that I'm not really a bar type person. I don't drink often at all and when I do I'd rather do it at home. It's cheaper and I don't have to deal with bad music and a bunch of loud annoying drunks.

I guess I'm just not sure what to do with myself anymore. I get up, I go to work, I come home and enjoy my time with Master and eventually I have to go to bed to do it all over again. Our neighbors that we were hanging out with so much during the summer? Well, now that it's colder out everyone is staying inside. Also, there is a new member to the group that I just cannot fucking stand and he brings three undisciplined children with him and a wife that has the kind of voice that cuts right through you and makes you want to slap the shit out of her. It doesn't help that she's a fucking ditz either.

So, since it's colder and now everyone wants to hang out inside you have anywhere from four to seven adults, not including Master and myself, in a two bedroom apartment as well as anywhere from two to six kids running in and out or just staying in the living room. That's a pretty tightly cramped area, don't you think?

Master and I don't really have date nights anymore. I miss those but with bills going up and so much money going into the car (gas money, repairs, etc.) it's just not really feasible at the moment and hasn't been for a little while now. I do think we need to budget a date night in about once a month though. I think that would be healthy for us and our marriage. Not that it's unhealthy right now, it's just something that I think would do both of us some good.

It's not like we're dead ass broke, it's just the money is set aside for other things all the time. Ya know?

This and That

Master allowed me to skip my post last night. I didn't really have much to say and I wasn't feeling the greatest on top of it.

Unfortunately I don't really have much to say today either but I know better than to ask to skip my post two days in a row. That would not go over too well.

Aside from work and then coming home and relaxing for a little while there honestly hasn't been very much going on. I'm not complaining or anything of that nature. I've been very relaxed and content the past couple of days.

I did tried looking on Fet for blog post ideas but unfortunately there wasn't a lot there to inspire me either. Figures.

I did leave work a little early today. *smiles* I didn't tell Master because I wanted to surprise Him and He was happy to see me home about a half hour early. I'm also very affectionate tonight and apparently so is Master. I've gotten a lot of hugs and kisses since I got home. I'm greatly enjoying that. Don't get me wrong Master is a very affectionate person as am I, but tonight it's in high gear for some reason.

I got a package today. The two items I bought arrived. I bought a porn DVD because we needed a new one. We had to throw away one of my favorites because it kept skipping and freezing. Hopefully the new one will be good. I also bought some new lingerie and apparently that came with a DVD as well. When I read the title of it I couldn't help but laugh. It's basically about how to maximize g-spot pleasure. Um, okay? So I'm assuming it's instructional porn which should be amusing as hell! 

Mellow Day

Today was not a stressful day at all. I haven't had one of those in a very long time. I'm not saying the home situation is stressful, but things outside of it have been.

Work was rather easy going. This was the first day in at least eight months that I've been able to take my time with things and work on the smaller stuff without freaking out that I'm not doing other things instead.

My mom had good news and bad news today. Mainly good though. Her mammogram results came in. She had it done last Friday. The doctor called her and told her everything looks fine. She always gets so nervous when she goes in for those. I don't blame her. I get nervous for her. I don't look forward to having those done at all.

The bad news she had is that it's going to take longer than she thought to get new medical insoles for her shoes. She has fallen arches and needs new insoles for them. It's going to take longer because they want her to do a nerve test and all that happy horse shit.

When I got home Master and I went grocery shopping. It went quickly. Normally at the grocery store we go to they only have one lane open so it takes forever. But I'm willing to put up with it because the place is cheap as hell. But today they still only had one lane open but they weren't busy, so we were able to get in and out of there within twenty minutes.

Although, when we got out of the grocery store we smelled the pizza place next store and it smelled really, really good. So even though we had just gone grocery shopping we said fuck it and got a pizza as well.

We came home and ate dinner. After we were done eating we sat out on our porch for a while. Eventually neighbors started to poke their heads out as well. We had a good time talking to them.

We just got back inside so I thought I would knock my post out before going to take my bath. I have dry skin everywhere and it's driving me nuts. I think I'll attack the bottle of lotion when I get done taking my bath.

Babble

Coffee was my friend today. I don't want to do a post all about work so I'll just say that I got five hours of sleep and worked a twelve hour day. I'm not tired although I think that's because I had three cups of coffee today and the last one was about an hour before I left work. I'm not bouncing off the walls but I'm alert.

It was a crappy day outside. It was in the 90's only two days ago and now it's only 50°, if that. It's been raining on and off as well. As a result of this crappy weather our neighbors haven't been out the past two days. Master and I have both gotten used to just going outside when we get bored inside the apartment. Yes, we could just sit out there without neighbors, but not with how the weather has been. I'm hoping that it's nice out this weekend. The weather channels says it's supposed to get into the mid 70's but it also says it's supposed to rain on and off all weekend. But then again it's normally wrong, so who the hell knows.

Our DVD player died today. Master went to put a movie in and the damn thing wouldn't open and kept turning itself on and off. It was doing the on and off thing for the past few days, so it's not that much of a surprise. The problem was one of the porno movies that we have that I actually really like was stuck inside the DVD player since we hadn't taken it out when we were done watching it. So, since the DVD player was busted anyway Master just took it apart and got the porno out.

Thankfully His Xbox 360 plays DVDs. But we don't want to wear that out either so we'll be looking for a cheap little DVD player soon.

Master's back has been bothering Him pretty badly today. He is currently running hot water over it in the shower. I offered to give Him a back rub but He's not sure if it's too sore for that or not.

My fibromyalgia has been acting up as well. But it's really painful so much as it is just really stiff in my shoulders and lower back. I've been stretching on and off all day. I would walk away from my desk just to move a little bit.

It really sucks that it's almost 8pm already. I know that I cannot stay up too late tonight as tomorrow is a work day and Master normally allows me to stay up a little later on Thursday nights but He still wants me to get to bed at a decent hour. Who knows, I may pass out before He tells me to go to bed. I doubt it though.

I know I'm just rambling on about random shit but I don't have a real topic in mind tonight. I want to try and think of a good topic for one of my weekend posts though. I don't want to just go, "And today we..."

I want to type out something that has more meaning to it I guess. And I want it to be based on my submission to Master. After all, that's what this blog is supposed to be about. I do think I'm getting better at not typing about my job as much. I may touch on it here and there but I don't do a whole post about it anymore. At least, not that I can think of right now.

Ramble On

Okay, I knew I didn't have anything to blog about. I even told Master that, but since He already let me slide once this week I wasn't getting away with it tonight. It's not that I don't want to blog, it's just that I can't think of anything to blog about.

Hm. Nope. Still nothing. I even went to the submissive journal prompt website and did the "random prompt" thing but every time one came up I didn't really feel anything. I couldn't find something that I felt I wanted to write. I think I'm just in a kind of, "Eh" mindset right now. I had a headache all day long yesterday and woke up with it again today. It just went about about two hours ago. That doesn't help. I was pretty cranky today but once my headache finally left I've just been kind of here. I'm enjoying my night and everything, but my brain feels empty.

Although I do want to dye my hair sometime soon. You see, Master had allowed me to buy some box color hair dye and it had this really cool red color. I'm a brunette. It wasn't a natural red, it was more of an auburn. So I dyed my hair and it doesn't look bad or anything. It just didn't turn out the way I thought it would and I'm not thrilled about it.

My mother had a box of medium brown hair dye. She had bought it for my aunt because it was on sale; come to find out my aunt had gone to a darker brown. So I got it.

I am just waiting a little while before dying my hair again. I don't want it any more damaged than it has to be. I thought about doing it this weekend but I think I'll wait. Hell I might get sick of waiting and do it in the middle of the week. Who knows.

So. Um. Yeah. That's all I got.

Insert Witty Title Here

I know, not much for a post title, but seriously I just feel mentally drained today. In fact this is the first thinking related activity I've had since I got home from work. Master just let me fend for myself for dinner; I had cereal. And since then we've just been knocking out some episodes of LA Ink. By the way, I'm really hoping that on our tax returns in April we can afford to get some ink done. I've finally figured out how I want a tattoo done that I've been hemming and hawing over for about.. oh.. 7 years now. I just couldn't decide how I wanted it done, and it's not like I want to rush into a tattoo. I've never just gotten a tattoo that I only kind of liked. I'm stuck with it, so I'm going to love it.

I know Master also wants new ink as well. He is flipping between two different designs for His left forearm. He has a spider on His right one, now He wants something on the left. I'm sure He'll decide sooner or later, especially if He realizes that we'll have the money for it.

I've mentioned to Master that I think some of the stress is finally taking it's toll on me. I keep telling Him I look like hell. He assures me that I don't, but He's biased. I look paler than usual, which is saying something since I'm normally pretty pale. My hair doesn't seem as thick as it use to and I'm noticing more hair in the hairbrush. I don't think I'm going bald or anything.. it's like some fucked up form of stress shedding. I'm noticing every little scar and mark on my face. I don't wear foundation or anything, so it just seems more noticeable to me.

I'm sure I don't look as bad as I think I do. Master still tells me I'm beautiful and I look great. When I tell Him I think I look like hell He looks at me like I'm bat shit crazy. It's a good thing He loves me. It really is. I may have gone completely off the deep end by now without Him.

Entertaining Myself

Well, it's almost 11pm on a Friday night. I actually tried to lay down and take a nap earlier but I couldn't fall asleep, oddly enough.

Master, on the other hand, has gone to bed. He is still on the prescriptions he received at His emergency room visit. They make Him extremely drowsy and they finally caught up with Him today.

So, for a change, He is sleeping while I am wide awake. I don't know if I hit some kind of second wind or what. Although I do plan on trying to lay down to sleep in a little while. In the mean time I am trying to busy myself. It's weird as hell. Normally I'm the one who asks to go to bed and Master stays up. Either that, or we both decide it's a good time to get some sleep. So what do I do? I come on here to ramble on about absolutely nothing. I apologize.

In case anyone has checked any of my pages (such as the pictures page) I just wanted to let you all know that I have not deleted any comments or blocked anyone from commenting. I also have not removed the ability to post a comment on my pages. Apparently it's a known issue with Blogger and hopefully it'll be fixed soon. Whenever I try to correct it, it simply reverts back to not allowing comments on the pages. I really do hope that it's fixed soon. It's annoying.

I also know that the "reactions" that I had at the end of each post are no longer available. That is not due to any kind of issue with Blogger; it's simply something that apparently this theme does not have enabled. I went through the coding and I don't see a way of fixing that. To me it's not that huge of a deal, so it doesn't bother me.

What else can I ramble on about? Oh! My dad told me last night that he was going to call me today to set up a time for us to come down on Saturday. He said he would call around 6pm. So I waited. I waited some more. And then I finally got tired of waiting and I called his place. No answer. I left a voice mail and waited for his call again. I ended up calling three other times thinking that maybe he was outside or something, but he never picked up. Now while I know that my relationship with my father is strained at the moment, I was trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. But when the clock hit 8:30pm I was more than a little annoyed. I told Master that if he didn't call back I was going to be pissed.

But he did call back; at 9pm. He said that he was sorry he hadn't called sooner but he had forgotten they had errands to run. I personally don't run errands until 9pm at night, but whatever. He still sounds excited about seeing us, so at least that much. I already told Master that if I end up getting pissed off, we're just going to leave. Damn the 45 minute drive. I highly doubt it would be my father pissing me off. I think his dimwit of a girlfriend will, probably without even realizing it. It sounds stupid but she obviously does not like the fact that my father had a life before her. She gets weird around my brother and I. And if we bring up our mother in passing she gets really tense and moves closer to my father or tries to drag his attention to her. He was 49 years old when they met. Apparently at 49 you aren't supposed to have ever experienced anything before meeting her.

I'm going to attempt to go tomorrow without any preconceived notions of what is going to happen. I'm also going to try to walk in without any of my defenses up. I want to walk in in a good mood and leave in a good mood. That's all I want. Hopefully it happens.

Sometimes I hate the fact that I type fast. It hasn't taken me much time at all to type that much. Damn my typing skills! The last time I was tested on my typing I hit 80wpm. I don't remember the accuracy rate. I know I fuck up on words or phrases here, but when I'm at work it's pretty spot on. It has to be with the information I'm working with.

Like I said, I'm just rambling.

I already took my nightly dose of happy pills, as Master and I call them. They aren't really happy pills. They don't make me see the world through rose colored glasses or anything like that. They are both mood stabilizers. Ever since I was put on the second medication I've felt worlds better. I haven't cycled hard at all. I have had some "mini cycles" but it's just something where I get a little hyper or a little mopey or a little aggravated. That's about the worst of it. Trust me, it's a hell of a lot better than before I was on medication at all. It seems that we finally found the correct mixture of medications and their doses that work well for me. That makes me extremely happy and I'm sure is a huge sigh of relief for Master. I'm also glad my shrink gave me a savings card for the second medication. I have health insurance but even with that the copay is a bit high. I have a feeling that's because it's an extended release medication. That is also probably why I am in much better control of my emotions. I still feel everything and if I have cause I can get pissed off, or extremely sad. But the random flips of one mood to another is a thing of the past. Yay!

Okay. I think I'm out of stuff to babble about. I'm still not tired though. So I guess I'll just browse the net until I'm ready to fall asleep.

Headache

I've been getting headaches all week. And not just little annoying ones either. They are the kind that start at the base of your skull and wrap up to your temples and then just ache. It doesn't throb or pound. They just ache and feels like a vice is on my head.

The really sucky part is that when the headache goes on too long then it starts affecting other parts of me. The ache will then go down my neck and into my shoulders. There have been a few this week that cause my muscles to twitch. Trust me, it's a really fucked up feeling.

So I've been popping pain killers left and right. I've been drinking a lot of water, which isn't a bad thing but it does help with headaches. And then every now and then I get some caffeine in me to make sure it's not a caffeine headache.

Today I got really irritable due to the headache. Although I am getting better at telling Master why I am irritable or aggravated, etc.

Yep. It all goes back to the whole being bipolar thing. Up until my medication fully kicked in I would just experience the feeling and either a) not be able to figure out why I was feeling that way or b) basically refuse to explain it until Master dragged it out of me.

Not good. Well today I told Master I was irritable. He asked me why, so I told Him that it was because of my headache. He knows how bad my headaches can get, so He understood. He even offered to work on my neck and shoulders, which was really sweet of Him. Sometimes my headaches are due to muscle tension. So while we watched a movie He gave me a shoulder rub. That actually helped quite a bit.

He then had me go take a hot bath. Once that was done I popped a couple more pain pills and now it finally is feeling better. Headaches like to hang on to me apparently. The bastards.

The Real Me

I often think that if I were the real me, all the time, and just let whatever thoughts came to my mind skip the censor and go straight out of my mouth that I wouldn't be a very liked person. I know I wouldn't be employed either. Let's face it. Most people wouldn't be employed if they said whatever was on their minds right then and there without that censor some of us have. Not every one has it, obviously.

But because I have a pretty damn good censor (in certain situations), I can restrain myself and just roll those thoughts around in my head, and maybe say them out loud later, when I'm alone or at the very least not anywhere near the person those thoughts are directed at. Such as a coworker, or a friend.

I also think that if that censor didn't exist in most people's minds the divorce rate would also be much, much higher. I mean lets face it, if you said whatever the hell you wanted to your spouse or significant other all the time, you'd probably be divorced right now. Especially if you said whatever the fuck you wanted in the heat of the moment, when you're good and pissed off. Yeah. That would be bad.

I sometimes think it would be so freeing to be able to say what you wanted, when you wanted, all of the time without that censor in place. But then I think of how that would set free all the other people around me to say whatever they wanted to me. I just might not like what I heard. In fact in some cases I'm fairly certain of that.

Emotions can be so raw, and usually are for me. I get very caught up in them, rather quickly.. almost violently so, and want to react accordingly. But I've gotten very good at not doing so. Rather than telling a coworker that they are a no good stoner who has nothing going on for them besides their fiance carrying their ass most of the time because he spends all of his money on drugs.. well.. I'd probably be fired. *giggles* I can almost picture it though. Standing in the middle of the office screaming that shit.

It would feel good at first. But then I would calm down, and start to freak out because hello I just cost myself a job over petty bullshit. Not smart.

Same goes for any other situation in life. If you just said some really pissed off hurtful shit to a friend, family member, or spouse, you'd be friendless... disowned.. and divorced. Joy.

Picking your battles can be such a chore. And sometimes they hit your pride and/or self esteem. But you take those little dings so when the time comes for the one where you should react, you're ready for it and can unload both barrels without feeling much remorse, if any.

Need -vs- Want

There are plenty of things we, as thinking, breathing beings need. But I think sometimes we get what we need and what we want confused.

We need shelter, food, water, and in this day and age.. income of a sort. A way to provide for ourselves. These are our most basic physical needs.

But there are other sorts of needs as well. Mental stimulation. Emotional stimulation. These needs are not as basic, but are needs never the less.

If you were to have no mental or emotional stimulation you might as well be dead.

To survive, truly all we need are the physical requirements to be met. But to live we need the other things along with it.

But that is where my brain starts to argue with itself. We may think we need something or someone, when in fact, eventually that "need" goes away or we find something else to fill that void. Our existence may not be as fulfilling, or rewarding, but we continue to press forward. Also, our needs change as we grow as a person, get older, find more things out about our selves, or possibly change completely.

And that's where the romance -vs- reality thing starts. I have heard so many people (men and women) say they need someone. A specific someone. Usually someone they are far better off not having.

I don't have many friends these days, and the ones I do have, I don't talk to about such things. But I can sit here and pin point specific moments in time and analyze them. The most crystal clear one is of my mother.

I remember when my father first told my mother that he wanted a divorce. I was at home. I was just a few months shy of my 17th birthday. They were in the dining room and my mother immediately started bawling. He had found someone else. They had been together for 25 years, married for 18 of them.

She thought her world was ending. Never mind my father was not that good to her. Never mind my father can be an extremely selfish person. She thought she needed him. Couldn't live without him. In fact she put up with him bouncing between being a happy husband at home to going off with his girlfriend. See he had changed his mind. He didn't necessarily want a divorce anymore. He wanted to have his wife and family, with a piece of strange on the side.

My mother put up with that for nearly three months before her backbone started to come back. She started to realize her need wasn't really a need at all. It was a want. And just what was she willing to put up with to have him in her life? Apparently she had reached her limit. It was her, or it was the girlfriend. My dad chose the girlfriend and filed for divorce from my mother.

At first, once the reality of the situation sunk in, she was lost. She couldn't cope. She had a bad time, and I remember it all.

But now, she is remarried. Her and her husband have been together for nearly a decade already. The need she thought she had, to have my father in her life, had slowly but surely gone from a need, to a want, to a "get the fuck out of my face". Now the one thing I'm unsure of is if she actually realized that, or if she had just found something to replace it and that's the only reason why she could get past it fully? Of course, meaning her now husband.

My father on the other hand? Well, he's on his second girlfriend and has no direction in any aspect of his life figured out at all. He'll be 49 next month. The grass is always greener, huh Dad?

And I know it's not just women who realize these things. I know men do as well. But I don't have many personal experiences to pull from regarding that.

So sometimes, when these kind of thoughts stir around in your gray matter, it makes you wonder. What exactly is it that I need? And what is it exactly that I want?

Well all my physical requirements are being met. I have food in my stomach. I have water. I have a roof over my head. And I have money in my pocket (although usually not a lot of it.. I still have it).

I have mental stimulation. Although sometimes I prefer feeling a bit brain-dead and not having to think.. *giggles*

I also have emotional stimulation.

So check, check, and check.

So did my mother ever really need my dad? She may have thought so. But no, probably not.

I sometimes wonder if anyone actually ever truly needs anyone. We have strong ties to other people. Ones that would hurt like fucking hell to sever. But they can be severed. Especially under the right circumstances. That, I believe, was the case with my mom regarding my dad. It hurt like a son of a bitch, but the right circumstances finally gnawed it away and she was able to break it.

Does Master need me? He can breathe and continue to exist without me. I know this. I'm not stupid. (Hey now! Stop laughing. I'm really not. Usually.)

But He doesn't want to be without me. Just like I don't want to be without Him. Neither of us want to sever that tie, even though we both possess the power to do so. Which is exactly why we put up with each other's shit. Don't get me wrong, we're not in any sort of trouble. But I put up with His shit, just like He puts up with mine. That's the way any relationship works, whether or not the people in said relationship want to admit it or not.

I'll admit it. I can be an utter bitch on wheels. I know this. Sometimes I'm even proud of that fact. And Master? He can be a complete asshole. And again, sometimes He's proud of that fact. I fuck up. He fucks up. It happens.

So what it really comes down to is a matter of choices, doesn't it? If you cut out the romance and go straight to the logic.

Each day, every person in a relationship (regardless of the dynamic) has a choice to stay or to go. Every day that isn't that great, we either choose to put up with the other person's bad mood or bad timing, or whatever... or we can choose to pack our shit and go.

Some people are rather impulsive. They decide, "Fuck it! You're being a bitch/cunt/asshole/prick! I'm leaving!" Then they pack their stuff, or they throw the other person's shit out, and they leave or make the other person leave. Then, sometimes, once they have calmed down.. they decide they want to take it all back. They want to fix it when it really didn't need to get that bad in the first place. It's a lot harder to fix something after you've picked up a nice hefty sledgehammer and slammed it home a few times.

Me? I'd rather push through the bad times, try to fix it, and try to be calm about it and talk it out. Compromise if need be. I admit that in the heat of the moment it's difficult. But I don't like the games. I don't like the, "Well if you're going to be pissed off, then I'm just gonna leave and wait for you to admit you were wrong and beg for me to come back so I can win this argument!" or the "Let's throw the divorce word around for fun and then later say I didn't mean it!"

It's all shock value. And while shock value can be fun, in certain circumstances, it's not fun for anybody in the relationship when it comes to shit like that. I've been forced to play those games before in past relationships, and I won't do it anymore. You either want me here or you don't. You either want to work this out or you don't. And thankfully Master thinks exactly the same thing on this particular subject, as I do. He doesn't want to play those games either. If either one of us were to actually say the "d-word" (divorce) we would have solid reasons for doing so. It wouldn't be because we were mad over something stupid.

I also believe that all relationships are work. Nothing is perfect. I'm not perfect. Master is not perfect. And so, because of that, we do imperfect things and we piss each other off. Shit happens. But we each choose to work it out, and talk about it, and try to make things better. Every day we are making that decision. Thankfully those decisions are easier when you love someone.

Saturday Ramblings

Today has been pretty uneventful besides the wake up sex. I'm not complaining about the wake up sex mind you. ;-)

But since it was about 84 out today, Master and I weren't feeling up to doing much at all. We were originally going to take Radar to the park, but even he seemed lethargic today. So we decided against it.

As a result, we've spent most of the day lazing about.

For some reason the idea of excercise and things of that nature have been on my mind. I have my bike now, but I'm extremely rusty on the rules of riding a bike on the road. When I was growing up we just rode our bikes on the sidewalks unless it was a side street that was hardly ever used. Master and I live on a highway. So that changes things a bit. I'll have to do some research on that.

I think I would like to start exercising more at home as well, for when I can't ride the bike. I don't want to get ripped or anything of that nature. I basically just want to tone up a bit. I've already lost a little weight by eating less often and walking around on my lunch break at work.

I can't afford a gym membership right now. But maybe after Master gets a job we could look into that as well.

And now I have a small gripe. Fun huh?

I know three people right now who are planning weddings that are occurring within the next three to four months. And all of them are so extremely busy with all this shit that I'm amazed they even still want to get married.

All they talk about is the meetings with the priests, the pre-marriage counseling they have to go to, the dress sizing, the tux sizing, the picking of the brides maids dresses, looking into photographers, DJs, looking at countless different invitations, placement cards, halls, florists, and cake testing....

Cake testing? It's cake. White, marble, or chocolate? Seriously.

I don't know. I mean I know that most women dream of the day they'll get married and they want everything to be perfect. It's all about them. I get it. But god damn!

One particular engaged couple I know told me that just for the wedding and the reception.. not including their honeymoon... they'll be in debt for two years. Two years. These days some marriages don't even make it through the first year, and you're going to be paying all this money for one day? A day where in 10 years you won't remember if you had ivory or eggshell napkins? Come on now.

And each of these couples have come to me asking me what we did. Every. Single. One. They know that Master and I have "only" been married for 3 years, so they figure I have some good points.

The conversations usually go something like this:

Them: "So, where did you get married?"

Me: "The court house. It was great! The justice of the peace was very nice and had a great sense of humor."

Them: "So... you didn't have to go to pre-marriage counseling sessions?"

Me: "Nope. We just had to go down to the court house about two weeks before hand and fill out the form to apply for a marriage license. Then, on the day of the wedding, we signed it and they filed it for us."

Them: "Oh. Okay. Well, where did you get your flowers from?"

Me: "We didn't have flowers. Well, technically I had a bouquet of silk flowers that I got from Stein's but I totally forgot about it and it was in the car the whole time. I still have it though cause I think it's pretty."

Them: "You left it in the car?!"

Me: "Yeah. Well there was no aisle to walk down. We had the rings and we had each other. That's all we needed."

Them: "Okay then. So then where did you get your cake?"

Me: "Wal-Mart."

Them: "You have got to be kidding."

Me: "No. It was delicious and so pretty! No one could believe we got it from the Wal-Mart bakery. But I loved it."

Them: "I'm almost afraid to ask, but who did your pictures and who did the music?"

Me: "We just asked anyone who had a digital camera to bring one. Hubby brought His and a few weeks later we all just swamped pictures via e-mail. As far as music went, BC brought his stereo and Hubby and I made two burned CDs."

And it continues from there, usually with their jaws slowly inching its way to the floor.

Master got a new suit, I wore a dress I already had but loved (and it was black). We didn't have decorations of any kind. No place cards, people just sat where they wanted to. The invitations we made on our computer, printed out, and mailed or hand delivered.

It was all very laid back. And I loved it.

One female in a particular engaged couple said, "Well this must have been like your second wedding or something..."

That actually kind of pissed me off.

I said, "This was my Husband's second wedding, although that didn't matter at all to either of us. This was about us. As far as me? This was my first wedding."

The chick was baffled that I didn't want it to be elaborate. Yes, we were tight on money, but even if we had had the money to go all out, it would have made me uncomfortable.

Like Master said, as we were planning everything, "Lets toss as much money as we can at the honeymoon!" *giggles* I can't say I disagree with His logic.

I've Got Nothing

I have no idea what to write about. I mean I could ramble on about what we did today.

There's a jump off point at least.

I slept until noon, which was awesome.

Master and I spent the morning and most of the afternoon just sitting in the living room doing our thing. Then someone called us about a craigslist ad we had up. He came over about an hour later and actually bought the items! *shock*

So to celebrate Master took me out to dinner.

No, it was not to celebrate Sweetest Day. *gag*

It was to celebrate selling the item and having a little extra money that we weren't counting on.

By the way, I don't understand the point of Sweetest Day. We already have Valentine's Day (which we also do not celebrate) and then you have the birthday of your significant other as well as your anniversary with said significant other.

So basically it's another day to go out and buy already dying flowers, and spend way to much money on candy. Dude. You can totally buy a king size candy bar for under $2. That way you get chocolate and you save money. And also, you won't have an entire huge box of chocolate that you will eat most likely in one day and then feel guilty about it later.

Speaking of somewhat useless and expensive holiday related items. What the fuck is the point of a greeting card? And why the hell are they so damn expensive? (Unless you go to the dollar store, like I do when I feel like I have to buy one.)

You spend money on a card, which you write on, and then give to someone. They may keep it for a little while, but then they throw it away.

This, my friends, is why I normally use internet greeting cards. *nods* I send my thoughts via animated greeting cards that you send via e-mail. Because I'm a nerd. Also it saves trees by not using paper and also saves on postage.

The only greeting cards I have ever kept in my life are the ones people gave us for our wedding nearly three years ago. They are in the living room end table's drawer. (We didn't have a guestbook because we only had like 20 people there and I didn't see the point in spending money on one. So instead I kept the cards.)

Side note: I have had way to much Mountain Dew and coffee today, in case you couldn't tell.

Well Master just hinted that I should go take my bath, so off I go with my somewhat hyper and yet oddly just kind of here self.

Restlessness

Lately a feeling has welled up inside me. At first I didn't know what the hell it was and I was confused by it. As a result, I did not really talk about it. Why? Well, it is hard to talk about something when not even you know what the hell is going on.

See, it started about two months ago. I started to get restless. Now at the time I figured it was because of my job situation. I knew things at that company were getting bad, and unstable. So I figured that I just needed to change jobs and this restlessness would go away. And so I did. I found a new job and I'm content with it.

However, this feeling has not gone away. This antsy feeling is still with me. Now, when I originally interviewed for the job they asked me if it would be a problem that they were relocating. You see right now they are down town. But they will be moving by the end of the year. At this point in time Master and I still only have one car, so this could prove to be interesting to handle since B will no longer be able to take me to work once the job site moves. And also there is no bus line out there. There is also not a bus line to Master's job.

I still took the job because I figured I just wanted the hell out of my old job and we would figure out the rest later. I think it was a smart decision. And Master seems to agree that it was indeed a smart move.

But then it hit me out of no where. When my job moves at the end of this year, yes we will need a second car unless one of two things happen.

1) Master finds a job out there as well and then we can car pool.

2) We move out there.

Master and I have tossed around the idea of moving quite a bit since I moved up here. The apartment that we live in is not terrible. Trust me. But the people that have been moving in here lately (I'd say in the past year or so) have been um... annoying as hell. Also we're getting sick of being charged for everything. We get charged extra for smoking in the apartment. And in the middle of winter smoking outside every time we feel the desire to light up is not a fun idea. Instead of having a pet deposit we are charged extra each month for our dog to live here. We have also been fined for dog waste being in the yard. One time admittedly it was our dog, and we just didn't see it. However another time I know damn well it wasn't our dog because we don't take him out to that area, but hey.. how can you really argue such things. We also have to lock up Ghost every time we leave the apartment because he was going to the patio doors when we were gone and it scared our neighbors. Why? Well, he's a German Shepard/Husky mix. Some people are afraid just because of his size.

So I have a feeling this restlessness has to do with wanting to start fresh some where. Whenever we have talked about moving, we've talked about just moving to another part of this section of town. While that isn't a terrible thing, the idea of moving out to where my job is going to be eventually, is exciting.

The minute that idea struck me I started to wonder what it would be like. The area is nice. In fact it's a lot like this area of town in the fact that it isn't huge, and it's a nice, normally quiet, place. And I've also started to try and think of ways we could start to save up for a deposit and first month's rent at a new place. Just set aside a little money here and there and then by the time my job moved we would be able to move as well. I think we could do it.

I touched base on the subject with Master tonight over dinner, and He didn't object to the idea. He said we would talk about it. We wouldn't really need a lot to move since we don't own a lot that requires a large truck or anything.

We'd maybe need one U-Haul and we could move it all in one day, as long as we packed everything and tossed out the rest in the days previous. The larger furniture would go in the U-Haul and the rest could fit in two cars. Plus one of our friends owns a pick-up truck. So that'd make things even easier.

But of course I am getting ahead of myself. Master said we would talk about it, and I'm sure we will. And of course my job wouldn't be moving until the end of the year. But that would give us time to save up some money and actually find a place as well. So we shall see.