Writing & One Year Anniversary

For some reason I got it into my head to start writing a story. It's honestly just something to distract myself for the time being. One day I was typing away and Master asked me what I was doing. I told Him. He commented that I never finish them. And He's right. I have never started writing a story and actually finished it. I just get stuck and forget about it, I get bored with it, or I just move on to something else.

But it's not like I ever plan on getting published. When I was young I always wanted to be a writer. I never knew if I was ever actually good at it but I enjoyed it. I thought it would be really cool to see my name printed on a book. Authored by: (insert my name here). Seeing something like that would be amazing. It will never happen and I accept that. But it is still fun to think about.

Making this blog and writing in it is fun too. At least when I feel like I actually have something to say. I must admit sometimes it is a chore but that is only because I have no idea what to write about. Nothing is going on and I don't have anything new on my mind. *shrugs*

I know I could just write the little story entries I'm making now as blog posts but I know that isn't what this blog is for. Also, I don't really want others to see it. Especially in such a public way where there is really no way to protect it.

That sounds stupid doesn't it? Wanting to protect something that I know will never be finished and therefore will never be published. But it's how I feel about it. Now, if Master told me that I had to I would. After all it would be an order, not a suggestion.

For some reason I just don't want to write an actual story, even if it is only part of it, and for someone to "steal" it from my blog. Who knows what they would do with it. Like I said, it sounds really stupid even to me.

I honestly don't think anyone would actually want to steal it. I don't think I'm worthy of my writing to be published.

However, I enjoy the distraction right now. It gives me something to do when I am bored and don't really feel like doing anything else. It also keeps my anxiety levels down a bit. I'm anxious about how all this family shit is going to end. I'm also anxious about the upcoming interview as I truly want this job and more importantly I need it. It's been a full year as of today that I was "let go" from my last job. I have never been unemployed for this long. Hell, since I started working I've never been unemployed except for when I took a break to go to college for a while. I never would have thought that I would have been without a job for this long. I could see a month or two. At the most four months. But here I am twelve months later and unemployed.

I will fully admit that if I do not get this job I have an interview for on Wednesday I will be upset. Not just a little upset. Very upset. With all of the fresh hell that Master and I have been through in a very short amount of time karma needs to swing the other way. It needs to swing back in our favor and hopefully it will swing in the way of my getting this job.

Rough Day

Today has been a really, really rough day. I don't want to get into all of it. I will just say that Master and I have been stressed the fuck out all day. It was one hit after another after another. As soon as we had one thing figured out another came around to knock us over the back of our heads. I am very happy that it is almost over. For at least the past few hours, knock on wood, there hasn't been anything new. Let's hope that it stays that way, shall we? Yes. Yes, we shall.

I had received a phone call a little while ago regarding a job I had applied to back in November. I am not even kidding you. It had been so long that I just assumed that the position had been filled. But no, it just took them that long to get the ball rolling. It is a local government job. I would be very excited to get the job. During the phone call she told me that I would need to complete a typing test and a transcription test. I have never done any actual transcribing. I had taken dictation but nothing where I am sitting there listening to a recording. But I knew that was part of the job when I applied. I knew I could do it. I readily accepted the appointment. It was the first step in the interview process. No problem.

Yesterday was the day of the testing. They wanted 60wpm for the typing test. I had 68wpm with a 99% accuracy. For the transcription test they wanted 70% accuracy. That seemed low to me. After all this is data entry. But who am I to question their requirements? *shrugs* I ended up with a 97% accuracy.

It was a group testing session. I was the first one done and when the lady printed a copy of my test scores out for me she seemed very pleased and told me that I would receive a call if they were interested.

I am not even close to kidding when I say that not even five hours later I received a call asking me to come in for an interview next week. My jaw just about dropped. I honestly didn't think that it would be that fast. I was out running errands when I got that call. It could have waited until I got home but I was so excited that I called Master immediately after. He is very happy for me and proud of me.

So while today has whooped the ever living hell out of us at least there is one good thing going on. Now, let's just hope that it pans out and I actually get the job. I'm not sure how many other steps there would be after the interview but I'm just happy that I am getting this far with it.

Guano

Today has flown by. It was boring and nothing really happened at all but it still seemed to have gone by in such a way that every time you looked at the clock you wondered how in the hell it was that late in the day already. For instance right now it is already 8pm. Master even commented on it a little while ago. The only good thing is that I made a little money today by people picking up a couple of orders of paracord.

The shitty thing is that starting late tonight and into early Monday there is supposed to be a fuck ton of snow. At first they were talking about a few inches. But as with all shit regarding weather men their estimates and time frames have been all over the board since then. Now they are saying six to eleven inches. That is a huge window right there. But I know it'll either be that we barely get anything at all, that the storm either hits early or late, or we get a lot more than they said. It's never exactly what they said it would be. Ever.

Master and I have both been blah and just kind of irritable today. I think it may be at least partially due to the weather that is moving in. That may sound stupid but... *shrugs* It has happened before. Especially before a lightning storm. But it has happened before snow or heavy rain.

Nothing has really been going on.

More bullshit with my family. His mother still isn't talking to us. Grandpa is still alive. I still don't have a job.

Hmmm...

Yep. That pretty much sums it up.

Life is just kind of stagnant. It sucks ass but I can't let it get me down too much. If I did I'd go guano.

I would hate to know what I would be like without my medication right now. I'd probably me a puddle of anxiety, depression, and self loathing curled up in the fetal position in a dark corner somewhere.

When I wasn't medicated I could handle things. I mean I would pull away and all that shit. But I could handle things, usually. It wasn't always pretty but I got through it. But with all of this shit going on at one time for a very extended length of time... Yeah.... Not so much.

I'm not always happy go lucky. I am down sometimes yes, but I'm not depressed. Basically at this point if I'm not depressed I'm chalking it up to a win.

I know for a fact there are people out there who aren't bipolar that would have broken in the same situation I'm in right now. I don't know if that says anything, but it's a thought that entered my head.

And no, I'm not putting on a brave face. I know better than that. I know Master would be absolutely livid with me if I tried to hide the fact that I am depressed. But I'm not. Down? Yes sometimes I am. But depressed? No. That's an entirely different animal. Anyone who has ever actually been deeply depressed will tell you the same thing.

I'm glad I'm medicated. Not only because of how it effects myself but also because of how my not being medicated has effected people around me in the past. I say that because when I wasn't medicated I didn't always realize how far out I actually was. I thought I was perfectly normal. I thought nothing was wrong at all. I honestly believed that I was being totally rational. It sucks looking back and actually realizing how bad I was. Not all the time. But enough of it.

Damn Sinuses

I have felt like shit all fucking day. I was fine when I went to bed last night. In fact I was great because I had just gotten laid and had cuddled up to Master in order to go to sleep.

But then this morning I half woke up just enough to realize that my left side was getting stiff so I should probably readjust myself before I drift back off to sleep. But as soon as I did I woke up all the way because my head felt like it had filled itself with snot. I got out of bed and I think I blew my nose about five times before it even began to start feeling better. I took a benadryl and then went back to sleep. It must have knocked me the fuck out though because I didn't wake up again until 11:30am. That is super late. But when I got up Master was still asleep as well. Apparently He had much the same problem I did.

But His sinuses cleared up more than mine did through out the day. Mine had continued to kick my ass even after a second benadryl. I almost never take those because they make me so tired but I would rather be tired than not being able to breathe.

Since I hardly ever take them and I had taken two in less than a twelve hour period it knocked me out and I ended up taking a nap for about an hour and a half. The shitty thing is that I still can't breathe completely out of one nostril and I'm still tried.

I can't catch a break today apparently.

However on a good note I have been getting orders for my paracord. *smiles* They are all local. I did create a website in an attempt to sell them online. But so far nothing. Oh well. At least I'm trying to expand it and if it kicks off it does and I'll be happy about it. If it doesn't? *shrugs* I'll still keep it up to date though, just in case someone stumbles upon it and wants to place an order. No one wants to order from a site that hasn't been updated recently.

I'm also starting to wonder if I should list them on craigslist. I won't do it on ebay. Basically aside from the social network site I'm on I'm looking for other ways to sell, even if it involves shipping. I've been brainstorming but so far the website I made is all I've come up with. I'm sure I'll think of something else. I already made a separate e-mail account for it.

This, That, & The Other

Not much has been going on. I've not been feeling well for the past couple of days, and yes it has put a damper on things. It hit me out of no where. I was about ready to just lay down and fall asleep when all of a sudden I felt the urge to be sick. And sure as hell, once I got to the bathroom I was sick. Thankfully it was only the one time but I still felt off the rest of the night. The next day I didn't feel nauseous anymore but my stomach felt like I had a rock in it.

I feel a bit better today. But I've been tired a lot. *sigh* The weather isn't helping. Especially with the whole feeling tired all the time part of it. It is cold as fuck outside. And whenever it is that cold I feel tired. Today is worse than usual but I think it is mainly due to the fact that I didn't sleep well last night as well as my not feeling well for the past few days.

Master has been very kind and allowing me to nap. He wakes me up after a while but even a half hour here or a hour there is appreciated. I hope that tomorrow I feel like everything is back to normal. Ugh.

The other thing that is kind of fucking with me is that I had a very, very short period this past month. It was less than a full day and it hasn't come back since.

It talked to my mother about it and she told me that most women in her side of the family hit pre-menapause in their early 30's. Well with me it would be extremely early 30's since I'll only be 32 in March.  For all I know it was a fluke. *shrugs*

I do remember my doctor telling me that when I got fixed (my tubes burned) that my period would most likely get a little unpredictable as I got older. I got fixed back when I was 21. Wow. I honestly hadn't realized that it's been almost 11 years already. Huh.

Anyway.. like I said it might just be a fluke. If it happens again, meaning this month, I'll probably go to a doctor just to make sure. With it only happening one time I don't think it warrants it.

Done

Yesterday was a lot of errands where we were stocking up on things because of the weather that was coming in. It isn't going to be a blizzard or anything but super fucking cold. There was some snow, yes, but I was more worried about the temperature. I only wanted to go to a few select stores though. Unfortunately none of the stores I went to had the kind of hair dye I wanted. I knew exactly what I was looking for and I wasn't going to budge from it. So I waited. I did make one extra stop and that was to buy Master new winter gloves. His old pair had finally started to die so I had bought Him a new pair about a month ago. It didn't take long for those to break, literally. They were leather gloves but they weren't top of the line leather and before ya know it a seam busted. *shrugs* The main reason I had bought that pair was because they were the right size, they were leather, and they were on clearance. Sometimes my being a cheapskate works against me. Oh well. So yesterday I bought Master some heavy duty Caterpillar gloves. They were more than I would normally pay for gloves, but He needed them and not a lot of places sell gloves in His size.

I also recently got a new pillow. It is super fluffy. New pillows are awesome. After a while pillows just get flat and then they just aren't as comfy. This one is awesome. Nothing special about it, just a normal pillow but nicer normal pillow, if that makes any sense. But last night right before bed Master had leaned on it and He commented on how soft the pillow was. He followed that up with He was going to find out how well it worked when it was being used to prop up my hips while He was fucking me. Shortly there after we found out that it works rather well. *laughs*

Today eventually it wasn't as bad as it was going to be later on so I ran the errand to go get my hair dye. I got it! It took forever. Mainly because I had to bleach the hair I wanted done and then wash and dry it. Once that was done I had to finally put the color in. But I love it! It didn't turn out exactly as I had in my mind. The reason is because I was only doing the bottom two inches of my hair. The problem was that I wanted it so that if I had to cut it due to a job I still wanted my hair longer. Well, if I had gone two inches all the way around my hair would have been really short up by my face. As a result I couldn't do it. Oh well. I still really like it. Master says He isn't sure how He feels about it yet and He'll make His decision after seeing how it looks while I'm bent over. It is very, very bright red.

Red

Yes, I know that this post is a day late. Honestly the days have been blurring together one after another. I apologized to Master about it and explained why I had totally spaced about it. He forgave me. It has been a very long time where I have just flat out forgotten to do a blog post. There have been times where I have asked to skip or push off a post but that is completely different then just spacing out on it. I'm glad that He forgave me and that I'm not in trouble because of it.

I have created a page for my paracord items. :) It's on a social network site and under my real name so I won't be putting a link to it here. But honestly I am very proud of myself because of it. Well, because of how many compliments I get over my work but also because of the fact that they are actually selling and people are enjoying them. I actually made three bracelets to order today.

I will say that having made graphics for the page I made has me itching to tinker with this blog again in so far as the appearance goes. I don't know what the hell I would do with it and knowing me I'll end scraping the idea and still with what is on here now. *shrugs*

All of the ones I have made for myself are the same colors. I have my collar, my key chain, and two bracelets. One of the bracelets has a skull charm on it and the other bracelet is in a different weave which is called the "viper" weave. The normal weave is called the "cobra". But I am trying to expand my knowledge on different weaves and I really love how the "viper" weave looks. My favorite colors are black and red. Preferably dark red. Blood red. I am kind of weird in that way. I want it all to match. *shrugs* It's one of my quirks.

But as I was sitting around today I thought about how I have always wanted red hair dye in my hair some way some how. I don't want my entire head of hair red. I actually tried that once. My hair ended up purple and I had to have my hair professionally stripped of color and dyed brown again. That was back before Master and I were even living together. In fact it was almost at the very beginning of our relationship. I was at the most 21 but I honestly think I was still only 20. I'm figuring that based mostly on the job I had at the time.

Anyway, since that time I haven't really been able to put any "unusual" colors in my hair because of the jobs I've had since then. I know a lot of people would think having red in their hair isn't unusual. But I'm not talking about your normal shade of red. I'm talking punk rock red. The kind of red you used to see in mohawks. It's as close to blood red as I can get.

I talked to Master about it and He approved my request. I am currently unemployed and I figure for at least a little while I can have it and who knows maybe the job I get into will allow such things. However, just to play it I'm not putting streaks in. I'm simply going to do what Master calls the "burn marks". He also calls it the "singed look". It is where I was only be dying the tips of my hair. Well, more than just the tips. But you get the idea. It will be along the bottom of my hair. That way, if nothing else, I've have had it for at least a short period of time and if I have to, I can just cut my hair. After all it won't be more than two inches of hair coming off, so my hair would still be long.

I'm hoping I can go buy the hair dye tomorrow. I'm very excited about it.

Fuck You 2014

Today is the last day of 2014. What does this mean? It means that for the next two months I'll be writing the wrong year down until I finally get it through my head that I should be writing 15 instead of 14. And.... that's about it. I don't make new year resolutions. I see them as pointless. If I really want to do something I don't have to make myself a "promise" that this year I'm going to do it. *shrugs* I would, however, like to go on record and say that 2014 has been one of the worst years I've had in a long time. I've thought other years sucked but 2014 has thrown so much shit at me, all at one fucking time. It was literally... I lost my job in February and then about two or three weeks after that my grandfather was in the hospital and never went back home. Fuck. You. Very. Much.

Since that point things just keep hitting, and hitting, and hitting, and hitting some fucking more. Just as one thing started to calm down a little the other kicked up. It's been a very fucking up roller coaster.

The main points have been my losing my job, my grandfather's health that is forever declining, our dog being injured, an unexpected move, a huge fight between Master and His mother, family drama on my side of the family which centers around my grandfather.

*sigh*

But here we are, at the end of it. The very end of it.

Does that mean that absolutely nothing good happened this year? Well, nothing major. There wasn't a one defining moment or anything. But I've been making some money by making and selling paracord. So, I found a new hobby that I can make some pocket money from. I actually enjoy making the items themselves.

Master and I are still going strong, as we have been for damn near twelve years. That is always something to by thankful for. We have been through a metric fuck ton of bullshit this year. But our marriage is just as strong as it always has been.

Certain people in our families have been incredibly supportive and we are trying to be just as supportive to them. There has just been way too much going on. All I can hope for is that 2015 will be better.

Change of Scenery

There isn't a lot going on currently. The holidays are over and so at least part of the stress is relieved. The stress factor over the holidays really killed our sex life. *shrugs* Sometimes sex helps relieve stress but there are times, like the past week, where the stress just kills the mood to the point where you just don't want to even try. 

And sometimes you just need a change of surrounding for a little while. Not much of one, just a little bit. So, since my paracord sales have done pretty damn well this past month, we are considering getting a hotel room for a couple of days. It wouldn't be far from home, but that's not the point. The point is just to get out of this place for a little while. I think it would be nice, and I already have someone who said they would keep an eye on our dog and two rabbits for those two days.

I know it may sound silly that we want to go to a hotel room for two days but it would be a break. It would be something a little different. It would kind of be like a mini vacation without really spending a lot of money. We couldn't get like a posh hotel or anything, but I think we could afford something half way decent. And it's not like we would need a hotel with a fuck ton of perks. I just want a room with a comfy bed. 

I think it would be nice. Yes, it wouldn't last long. But still. 

I'll be looking into it to see how much rooms would cost. I have a feeling waiting until after New Year's Day would be our best bet. Mainly due to prices. New Year's Even is kind of crazy so I'm figuring that the hotel room prices would be hiked up at least a little bit.
 

We shall see. 

It's Over

Christmas has never been my favorite holiday. Well, at least not since I was young and even then it was only because I got a lot of presents. *laughs* Since I became a teenager though my favorite holiday has been Halloween. It still is today. But this Halloween didn't feel like Halloween. It felt like a normal day and it sucked. Today was Christmas and while there were some presents exchanged between family members it was short lived and after that it was back to feeling like any other day. The only part I was actually excited about was that the younger family members of mine really, truly appreciated and loved their presents. Other than that, like I said, it was just another day.

Master and I even tried to go out to eat for dinner tonight but only two restaurants anywhere near us were open. One we both hate and the other was packed to the point where we couldn't even fully get in the door. So, that fucking sucked. We were both pissy about it and simply stopped at a gas station, since the grocery stores are closed, and picked up some snacks in addition to what we were going to be eating when we got home.

We weren't mad at each other. It is just irritating when you go out expecting to eat at a restaurant and that is literally the only reason you left the house just to turn around and come home.

But tomorrow already looks like it is going to be a better day. We have to hit the bank and I have to stop somewhere and buy bottled water, but aside from that we plan on catching a late lunch and going out to buy another book for myself. I'm already damn near finished with the one I bought Tuesday. I absolutely love reading. That is one thing that my grandmother got me addicted to before she passed away. It also doesn't help when I have all this damn spare time on my hands.

The only thing that may sour my mood tomorrow is the fact that Master, my brother, and I are all going over to my dad's house. That in and of itself isn't really a problem. It's that bitch that lives with him that I don't want to deal with.

It really, truly, sucks when you want to go spend time with someone, whether it be a family member or a friend, but you don't want to deal with their significant other.

Nothing Much

This post will most likely be extremely boring for most people who come here. But I think it's great and therefore I am going to write about it. So there. *sticks tongue out*

I've been making paracord items for a while now. I started making them for friends and family at first. But then I got good enough at it that I started to make them to sell. It started off slow. I had bought quite a bit of paracord supplies as a first investment, so I was a bit worried when I started. Did I make the wrong decision? Did I go overboard? Seriously, I was freaking out a little bit about it. Master assured me that it would pick up and that it was better that I had overstock rather than not have it when I needed it.

I've been "pimping" out my paracord items all over the place and there were a few orders here and there which was cool. A few bucks here. A few bucks there. It isn't much but every little bit helps. Then all of a sudden this week it has blown up! It also helps that my mother has started making gift baskets to sell and has been putting a paracord item that I have made in them. So I get a little money there too! It's awesome.

I know it's mainly due to the holidays but what does it matter? Money is money regardless of when you get it. Also, I'm not going to complain about it. I will say that I had to make two trips to the place I buy my paracord supplies from today. And then tonight I received an order for someone and due to that I have to make another trip to that store tomorrow. Oh well.

I am waiting for the cashiers to know me by name at this rate. *sigh* The good thing is that the store is moving even closer to where I live so that's great.

I do have to say that my shoulders are killing me. Partially because I've been knocking out the bracelets back to back to back. I'd rather sit down for a long time doing them rather than do one here and then in a couple of hours I'll do another. Fuck that.

The other part is because my mother, my brother, and I went to a mall today. Normally it's no big deal but this mall is huge and since my shoulders were already bothering me it was only getting worse. It's not like I didn't have a good time, because I did. But I'm paying for it. Especially since I had to make another two bracelets when I got home.

I used some of the profits of my paracord sales to get Master an early Christmas gift. It's a Sons of Anarchy jacket. I gave it to Him right away. He loves it. He scolded me that I didn't buy anything for myself with my paracord sales money. I told Him that I was going to while I was at the mall because I found a Supernatural winter hat I really wanted. The only reason I didn't buy it for myself is because my brother bought it for me as an early Christmas gift. Can ya tell that the adults don't really wait? We're just like, "Here ya go."

In addition to the Supernatural winter hat my brother bought me a Supernatural wallet for my purse. I love both of the items!

Don't get me wrong, I really love Sons of Anarchy but I love Supernatural more. So Master has all the reaper gear going and I'm starting a little collection of Supernatural items. I found some kick ass necklaces and rings but my nickel allergy always prevents me from buying them. *sad face* I do plan on buying more Supernatural related items. T-shirts, Sweatshirts, etc...

Not Sick.... But....

I haven't been doing all that great today. It's nothing in particular. I'm not sick. But earlier today my blood sugar crashed rather suddenly. That may have something to do with how I'm feeling now.

Master and I were out and about when all of a sudden my hand started to shake a little bit when I was holding something. Okay, I know that is a sign that I need to eat in order to get my blood sugar back up. No big deal. But within the matter of 15 minutes the shaking got worse. We weren't that far from home though, thankfully. So after we got into the door I had a cookie and then some chips.

I felt okay after that. But about a hour ago I started to feel worn the fuck out. Not only tired but exhausted for absolutely no reason. And everything just hurts. My joints and muscles don't like me right now.

As a result I pretty much immediately went and took my bath so I could get that out of the way. It's a lot earlier than I normally would take one. And after my bath I put on my most comfortable hoodie and a pair of sweat/yoga pants. I don't know really what to call them. It's not one or the other really... *shrugs* All I know is that they are comfortable.

Master told me to rest. So I figured I should get my post done for today too. I'm just kind of having a hard time actually concentrating enough to write out this post. I'm not completely out of it. I can pay attention to things and follow it... But writing? Not so much.

I'm also waiting to hear about my brother. He went to a walk-in clinic because he felt a pop in his chest and since then has been having a difficult breathing. He has quite a few health problems. He has asthma, seizures, and heart issues.

So they are running tests and took an x-ray and have given him a breathing treatment. That's all I know for sure right now. I'm not really getting myself worked up about it though. Not that I'm not worried about him... it's just that there is no need to get worked up until I know exactly what is going on so I am trying to push that to the back of my head for now.

I will say that Master has been babying me today because I don't feel well. He pretty much ordered me to get comfortable and relax as soon as my bath was done. Yes Sir! *smirks*

Under My Skin

I would like to go back to being a teenager please. Okay, only in certain things. I don't want to have to worry about money anymore and I want to not have to worry about the shit storm that is currently going on with my family. Everything is guessing and speculation.

"How much longer do you think Grandpa is going to be able to keep going on?" - I have no idea. Hopefully not much longer.

"Do you think your dad is going to keep his promise and actually have his body at the wake?" - He damn well better.

"Do you think your dad is going to keep his promise about putting a plaque next to Grandma's?" - Again, he damn well better.

"Do you think your dad is going to keep his promise about giving everyone the money they agreed to since he 'can't find the will'?" - Once more, he damn well better.

"How ugly do you think it's going to get if he doesn't?" - Pretty fucking ugly.

"How are you going to react to your dad if he doesn't?" - I'm not sure and I'm not looking forward to finding out.

"Do you think your dad's 'girlfriend' is going to say anything?" - If she does she is going to be lucky if all I do is verbally assault her.

You get the idea. And, as you may have noticed, it all revolves around my father. And it's not just one person asking me these things. It's my mom, it's my brother, and it's my mother's husband. Sometimes it's Master too but that's mainly when I start talking about it and we both start bouncing things off of one another.

I understand that my brother looks to me for these things because I'm his big sister and if he talks to mom about it he doesn't feel like he really got an answer because my mom is trying to walk that fine line of "he's still your dad" and "your dad is a complete bastard right now". I think it's a bit harder on her because it is her ex-husband and we are both of their children. So while my mom is constantly trying to do right by us my father is pretty much like, "Hey you wanna come hang out?"

And he's not even doing that anymore! I have to be the one to contact him. Yesterday Master and I went over there and it was just.... weird. My dad seemed kind of distant. He wasn't really all that talkative. After the first half hour of our being there that bitch that is now living with him actually fell asleep in her chair. That is just fucking rude. If you are tired and you have company over you excuse yourself and go lay down. You don't just crash out in your chair. Dumb whore.

And it was shortly after that where my dad pretty much became quiet. We had been joking a bit back and forth until then. Master and I stayed a while longer and tried engaging him in conversation the whole time but we'd get a few words out of him and that would be it. So we left.

And I know it's not anyone's fault that these questions are floating around. They are on everyone's mind. But today all the speculation was just getting under my skin. And so I remained calm and just nodded and smiled and gave the same answer I've been giving. There's not much else I can do.

Normally it doesn't bother me this much. But today they all seemed to wiggle under my skin and irritate me. Especially since it was first my brother and then my mom. Like I said, I'm not mad at anyone. It's just how it is today.

Move Along

I've been pretty bummed lately. Not depressed. Not even close to being depressed. But just down and bummed. I try to joke around as much as possible because I feel better when I do. But then things settle down and I go back to being bummed. I don't know how else to describe it except for bummed. I also feel spread out and scattered.

It's nothing that anyone is doing. It's nothing that I'm doing. It's all circumstantial. The weather also isn't helping. Due to the weather I either wake up with my sinuses killing me or a pounding headache. If I'm lucky it's both. Today was just the headache.

The whole situation with my Grandpa is really getting to me. I just want it all to be done. I want him to be at peace and for us to be able to grieve and figure out all the other shit that will occur after the fact. Which, quite honestly, sounds like it is going to be ugly.

Not working is not helping either. Income would be nice. I'm making all the paracord items and yes I have sold some, which is nice, but I want something reliable. And it's not like I'm getting rich off the paracord. Trust me, I'm not. But I enjoy doing it and I have made a little money. It's better than nothing.

I know the whole bummed and scattered feeling is showing on my face. Several people have told me that I look tired and pale. Well, I'm naturally pale so when someone tells me I look pale, that's pretty bad.

I'm not sick. Aside from the headaches and sinus pressure in the morning I feel fine. *shrugs*

Tomorrow Master and I are going to go see my dad for a little while. I'm not totally looking forward to it but it gets me out of the house. We'll also be stopping at the craft store I go to because I asked Master today if it would be okay to make our dog a collar out of the paracord. I made one for a customer and I like the look of it. Master said it would be fine so we'll be picking up the things I need there before we go to my dad's. Then later on tomorrow night or maybe Sunday I'll make the dog collar. I hope it turns out nicely. If it doesn't I'll have to take it all apart and start over.

Master has been trying to keep me laughing. It's not like my life is all woe is me. It's not. But right now I can't shake that bummed and scattered feeling.

Blah

Today has been one of those I'm tired for no reason type of days. I ran a few errands today but it wasn't really a lot. It was two stores. Each store took longer than it really should have but still. I think it's mainly the weather. It wasn't that bad out two days ago. Yesterday was gray and rainy. Today is just.. cold. It wouldn't be so bad if the wind wasn't blowing but it is. Oh well.

I feel like I want to sleep. All. Day. Long. I have no reason to be tired and it annoys me. I know that I got some sleep last night. It was broken up but it was still sleep.

I also feel sluggish. *sigh*

I wish someone would get back to me about a damn job. I am going guano. When I was working I would have loved a full two weeks off of work just to collect myself and relax for more than a day and a half each week.

But now? Now I've been unemployed since late February. It sucks. It sucks a lot. It's like I've said before though.. I don't really miss work I miss the paycheck. While working would alleviate some of my boredom I don't really miss it.

I guess I'm just kind of down today. I wouldn't call it depressed. Just blah. I've been trying to keep myself in a good mood. It works for the most part. I'm smiling and laughing and joking around. I'm not faking it or anything. I am just seeking it out a bit more today. But now? Now I'm just blah. I'm just kind of here.

The weird thing is that I wouldn't even really say I'm bored. I mean the only things that are going on is that I'm doing my blog post and Master is playing a video game right now. But stating that I'm bored would imply that I want to do something else. However, I can't think of anything to do nor do I really want to do anything.

Nothing is wrong. Just feel tired and worn out. Yippee.

Shut Up

Master and I were trying to figure out what the hell to do today. It's not even fully winter and we're already a bit stir crazy. I couldn't really figure anything out and neither could He. Well, until we found out that His direct deposit came early and we didn't really have it ear marked for anything this month. As a result we decided to go to dinner. The only thing was that I had to meet up with a lady who had ordered four of my paracord bracelets and wanted to meet this afternoon. No biggie. It doesn't really matter how late we eat. The woman sent me a message around 4:30pm or so saying she could meet right then but asked if I could meet her somewhere aside from the original spot we had discussed. Thankfully it was only a little ways down the road. No problem. Master came with me so that when I was done with that we could just head to dinner rather than me doing that, turning around, and then coming home to pick up Master to go out to dinner.

The woman was super nice and seemed really happy with the bracelets. Awesome.

After that Master mentioned that maybe we should go to Walmart and see if they had any movies on sale. We'll be going there Tuesday to buy the new Apes movie but hey.. why the hell not. It's not as if the store is all that far away.

It's a good thing we did. They were having a huge clearance sale on their DVDs. We ended up getting three movies. One of them were only $1.96! Awesome sauce.

After that we headed to dinner. Master said that He was taking me to Applebees. I grinned. He then told me that He was taking me there to shut me up about that damn strawberry lemonade. *laughs* Yes, I got another one and yes it was still yummy as hell.

We had a really good time and even though the place was packed the food was amazing and the service was actually highly surprising given the fact that it was so busy. Very polite and fast.

Now we are just settling in for the night and we'll be watching one or two of the movies we picked up before dinner.

Early Winter Weather

Apparently winter is starting early this year. For the past week they had been saying it would snow. But nothing. It all seemed to be going up North where my aunt lives. She might as well be in Canada for fucks sake. But yesterday it finally hit. We didn't get a lot. Just two or three inches of snow all told. It did stick though. We had/have snow on the ground. However it was slick enough on the roads for them to send out the snow plows already. But it is never the snow that gets me. I mean, if my car fishtails yeah it scares the hell out of me. But honestly I would rather deal with snow rather than the bitter cold. Last winter we had both. We had quite a few days that were below zero and too many days where it was 40° below zero with the windchill. Honestly there were days where I was driving and I thought I would get frostbite while in my car. It was horrible.

About three or four years ago we had a blizzard. A full on can't get out my front door and there are snow drifts taller than my Husband blizzard. I would rather deal with that than 40° below zero wind chills.

I'm hoping that this winter is more mild than last winter. I really, really am.

However what I find amusing is that there are two people on a social media site that are already whining about the cold. Do we like the cold? No. Do we bitch about it? Yes. Do we whine about it? No.

Ya know why? Because we fucking live here. I have lived in Wisconsin my entire life. I'm petite and skinny. Cold really fucking sucks but I deal. I've been dealing with it for 31 years.

The two people bitching were born and raised here. Their problem is that they moved out of state for so long that I think they forgot what winter here is like. And to thing it's not even really winter yet. This is a taste.

One of them is my cousin. She was born and raised here but about seven years ago she moved to Oklahoma. She came back because her husband found a better paying job here.

The other one is the bitch my dad is living with/dating/whatever. She was born and raised here but thirty-five years ago she moved to Arizona. That is a long time to be in 100°+ weather. Welcome back to Wisconsin bitch. Master and I are both not so secretly hoping that the cold and/or snow becomes to much for her and she goes back. Hell, maybe she'll take my dad with her. I also think that my dad will remember how bad his back really is in the winter and possibly regret not moving out of state.

Who knows!

And yes, I'm feeling a bit bitchy. Thanks for noticing.

Sold!

Yesterday Master and I went to visit with my father for a little while. And of course that bitch from Arizona was there since now she is apparently living with my father for good. Yay. Not.

It honestly kind of seemed like a waste of gas. All we really did was watch TV and I showed Dad how to use his new tablet. We joked around a bit here and there but that was about it. Master did mention to my dad that I am now making paracord bracelets and key chains. So my dad asked to see the ones I made for Master and myself. We showed him and my dad thought it was pretty cool. The bitch from Arizona really liked the one I made for myself which is a black and red weave. She wanted to try mine on. I so badly wanted to say no but I was trying to be nice since a) my dad is "dating" her and b) we were in my dad's house. So I let her try it on. It was too small for her which doesn't really surprise me because my wrists are pretty tiny. But she told me she wants that exact same one in her size. My dad looked at her and said, "Well when you have the money for it you can buy one."

I don't know if he expected me to chime in saying that I would make it for free but I didn't. *shrugs* I'll make one for her if she'll pay for it. I may not like the bitch but that doesn't mean I won't take her money. That would be rather stupid of me. We shall see. If she brings it up the next time I see her and she doesn't try to pay me I'll simply say I forgot or I need to buy more of that color.. I don't know. I'll think of something.

Anyway..

I made my first sale today! A woman contacted me asking me to make her two key chains and one bracelet. She didn't know what size she would need so I just made three identical ones of different sizes. I figured that after she picks out the one that fits her I'll just sell the other two. No biggie. So we met up today and she loves them. Rock on. This may sound stupid as hell but I was rather giddy about it.

Afterward Master and I went to splurge a little bit. It's the first bit of money that we hadn't planned on in a very long time. And every now and then you have to splurge at least a little bit. Nothing major. As a result Master and I went to a store and I ended up picking up all of the Saw movies in one collection for $10. Sweet. Master really doesn't like those movies but I do. I asked Him if it was okay if I bought it. He said yes. Normally when He doesn't like a movie and I know damn well He doesn't like it I don't even bother asking. But this time I really wanted it. I still asked and if He had said no I would have just bought something else but He was nice and said yes.

Something odd happened today though...

Yesterday I made a little page about my paracord bracelets and key chains so that if people ask I can just send them over there. It includes pictures of ones I have already made, a list of the colors I have "in stock", and instructions on how to size your wrist for a bracelet.

Somehow or another my mother-in-law saw it and actually started commenting on one of the pictures asking me questions. At first I wasn't sure if she knew it was me or not. After all she hasn't spoken to us since before we moved, which was the very first week of September. That verbal battle her and Master got into was pretty nasty. I had stayed out of it as I always do but since she doesn't want to talk to Him she doesn't talk to me either. She used to try and get me to plead her case when Master and I were first married but I don't play that shit and she quickly realized that. As a result when Master and her are not talking, by default her and I are not talking. Fine by me.

Anyway, in one of the comments on the pictures she asked if I could private message her a picture of the clasps. I thought that was a bit odd but okay. The thing of it is though is that I didn't message her from the page I made for my paracord. I messaged her from my private account. I sent her the picture and gave her the little bit of information she wanted. That way if she didn't know before that it was me, she did as soon as she received the message.

That was all last night. Today I finally got a response from her and it was very business like. No "hi how are you" or anything. Just business. So I responded in kind. Now she wants me to make two bracelets. She told me what colors she wanted and what sizes she needed. She then asked me if she sent me a check for "x" amount if that would cover the price of the two bracelets as well as shipping costs.

*blinks*

Honestly it was the shipping costs that kind of floored me. You can tell that woman is still royally pissed if she doesn't even want to meet up for the bracelets. She only lives 20 minutes away now that we moved. But nope. She wants to mail me a check and then for me to mail her the two bracelets. Fine by me.

I told her in the private messaging that I would wait for the check to come in the mail and then I would mail her the bracelets.

Master is rather upset with her right now. Well, in addition to everything else it comes across as her "punishing" me by not speaking to me except for about the bracelets. I understand what He is saying. Honestly though it doesn't bother me. Do I think it's rude? Fuck yes. Do I think it's fucking retarded? Oh yeah. But honestly I would rather that than for her to try and manipulate me into giving her information about her son, my Husband, while they aren't talking. Fuck that noise.

Birthday Party

Yesterday Master and I got out of the house for a little while. It was His nephew's birthday party. The sad fact is that we hardly ever see His side of the family, in regards to His father's side. We don't really care that we hardly see His mother. In fact, currently, we prefer it. But we get along really well with His dad these days. But since His father's schedule is so erratic we don't see him very often. And really we only see Master's brother and eldest sister about three times a year. Once for each of the brother's three kids. This time it was His eldest nephew's third birthday. We got there a little late only because, given experience, we know that they are never running on time with such things and we were normally the first ones there. As a result we decided to be "fashionably late".

There is one weird thing about the birthday parties for the kids though. It seems kind of segregated. Everyone has these little pockets of people that they go to and that's it. The only ones who ever move around are Master's brother and his wife. They are hosting the party so of course we expect them to be everywhere but other than that everyone kind of keeps to their little cliques and that's it. Master and I don't really fit in with any of their friends so we are always around either my father-in-law or my eldest sister-in-law. Yesterday it was both. Master's two youngest sisters weren't there.

It was really nice catching up with them though. We only got to speak with Master's brother for a short period of time. On top of him hosting he also wasn't feeling that great. Poor guy. The brother's wife we talked to for about fifteen minutes all told. But like I said they are both hosting so they have to mingle with everyone, cut cake, open presents, run after the kids, etc.

Hopefully we'll get to see them again soon rather than waiting until His niece's birthday which if I remember correctly isn't until January.

We stayed for the mingling part and the cake part but we left before the presents were opened. We had stayed for about two and a half hours all told. And it was about that point where the groups started to break up even more so Master and I decided to bow out.

In other news I have been practicing my paracord bracelet skills and I'm getting better at it. I'm only doing the cobra weave right now because that seems to be the easiest. I've only been making practice ones. I haven't made any to sell just yet. I only had a limited amount of cord and clips anyway because I had bought a kit that only provided enough for eight bracelets. Tomorrow though I am going to buy more. I'm also going to see if they sell key chain rings so I can make a paracord key chain. I'm hoping to find some pretty cool colors too. I didn't really bother looking the last time because I knew what I went in there for and left right away. Same thing when I bought the kit. I knew that's what I wanted so I got it and left. Tomorrow I'll browse a bit and try and figure out what color(s) I think will sell best. Given it's Wisconsin I should probably buy some green and gold. I'm  not a fan of the Packers. Hell, I hate football. But I'm not making these for me. I'm trying to sell them and this state is nuts over green and gold. Aside from that I'll just see what they have and hope it turns out cool.

*Sigh*

I got some really sucky news yesterday. I had literally just gotten home and checked the mail. I saw an envelope addressed to me from the place I had applied to. I figured it was a confirmation of the background check. I was mistaken. It was a letter basically telling me that while they were "very impressed" by my work history and skill set they have decided to go with someone else.

I was honestly pretty damn upset. I know it probably sounds dumb because it's one of those "don't count your chickens before they hatch" situations but I truly thought I had this job locked down. I'm not joking when I say that I thought that I would receive a phone call any day now telling me that I have the job. I have never been that sure about having a job locked in prior to being told I have it. Never.

Master told me to just keep doing my best to find a job. I will. And I have been applying and applied to two more yesterday. Devastated is too strong of a word but it hit me kind of hard.

I had applied to the job via e-mail with a copy of my resume. I do a forty-five minute first interview. I then get a call about a week later asking me to come in for a second interview. They send me an e-mail with the paperwork I had to fill out for them. It was asking for all of my job history, which is on my resume, as well as my prior salaries for each job, my social security number, and two pieces of paper giving them my permission to do whatever checks they needed with my former employers as well as a background check. I filled that out and sent them an electronic copy via e-mail. I have the second forty-five minute interview and hand them a hand signed copy of the document I had sent to them via e-mail. A week after that I receive an e-mail about the background check and have to fill out an electronic form online in addition to what I had already given them. I wait on pins and needles just to find out I don't have the job.

At this point I'm just bummed the hell out. I'm not giving up. I can't give up. But I never in my life thought I would be unemployed this long. Especially with my job history and skills.

I am applying to jobs and will continue to do so until I land a job. I don't care if it's full time or part time. I truly don't. I just feel so useless. I do what I can around the house. I have found little things to do to keep myself busy and at least partially entertained.

And then yesterday I had a thought. I think paracord bracelets are pretty awesome. People can actually sell them for a half way decent price. I had always thought they were expensive to make. But I looked into it and honestly it's not all that expensive. The thought occurred to me that if I could learn how to make them maybe I could do it as a hobby and sell what I make. People do those kind of things all the time. One of my cousin knits and sells the things she makes online.

Today I went to a local hobby store and bought a kit so I can learn how to make them. I bought a kit that includes enough to make eight bracelets. I've made two. The first one I made was kind of eh. But hey, it was my first one... What do you expect? But now that I know I can do it, at least in the one weave, I plan on moving forward with it. I'm going back to that store tomorrow because I have a coupon for 40% off one item and they had something I wanted at the store for the paracord bracelets. I also would like to make key chains but one step at a time. I also want to learn how to do them with more than just one color. Baby steps I guess. For now I'm just practicing by making some for people I know. Once I get decent at it I'll start cranking out ones to sell. Hopefully it'll work out.

I'm going to continue looking for a real job but this would be at least a chance to make a little bit of money, hopefully.