Guano

Today has flown by. It was boring and nothing really happened at all but it still seemed to have gone by in such a way that every time you looked at the clock you wondered how in the hell it was that late in the day already. For instance right now it is already 8pm. Master even commented on it a little while ago. The only good thing is that I made a little money today by people picking up a couple of orders of paracord.

The shitty thing is that starting late tonight and into early Monday there is supposed to be a fuck ton of snow. At first they were talking about a few inches. But as with all shit regarding weather men their estimates and time frames have been all over the board since then. Now they are saying six to eleven inches. That is a huge window right there. But I know it'll either be that we barely get anything at all, that the storm either hits early or late, or we get a lot more than they said. It's never exactly what they said it would be. Ever.

Master and I have both been blah and just kind of irritable today. I think it may be at least partially due to the weather that is moving in. That may sound stupid but... *shrugs* It has happened before. Especially before a lightning storm. But it has happened before snow or heavy rain.

Nothing has really been going on.

More bullshit with my family. His mother still isn't talking to us. Grandpa is still alive. I still don't have a job.

Hmmm...

Yep. That pretty much sums it up.

Life is just kind of stagnant. It sucks ass but I can't let it get me down too much. If I did I'd go guano.

I would hate to know what I would be like without my medication right now. I'd probably me a puddle of anxiety, depression, and self loathing curled up in the fetal position in a dark corner somewhere.

When I wasn't medicated I could handle things. I mean I would pull away and all that shit. But I could handle things, usually. It wasn't always pretty but I got through it. But with all of this shit going on at one time for a very extended length of time... Yeah.... Not so much.

I'm not always happy go lucky. I am down sometimes yes, but I'm not depressed. Basically at this point if I'm not depressed I'm chalking it up to a win.

I know for a fact there are people out there who aren't bipolar that would have broken in the same situation I'm in right now. I don't know if that says anything, but it's a thought that entered my head.

And no, I'm not putting on a brave face. I know better than that. I know Master would be absolutely livid with me if I tried to hide the fact that I am depressed. But I'm not. Down? Yes sometimes I am. But depressed? No. That's an entirely different animal. Anyone who has ever actually been deeply depressed will tell you the same thing.

I'm glad I'm medicated. Not only because of how it effects myself but also because of how my not being medicated has effected people around me in the past. I say that because when I wasn't medicated I didn't always realize how far out I actually was. I thought I was perfectly normal. I thought nothing was wrong at all. I honestly believed that I was being totally rational. It sucks looking back and actually realizing how bad I was. Not all the time. But enough of it.

Dealing

As of today I have been officially unemployed for one week. I know it sounds stupid but I am seriously having to ask what day of the week it is every now and then.

I haven't heard anything from the place I had an interview with on Monday. I haven't given up hope but I'm also not holding my breath. I am continuing to apply to jobs.

But I really wish the stress would stop piling up. I called unemployment yesterday to make sure they had received the fax I sent on Tuesday. They did receive it and apparently they also received a response from my former employer. That honestly surprised me. I was a little worried that they would drag their feet a bit. I don't think they are going to fight it. At least not based on what they told me when they let me go. So I asked the unemployment person I was talking to how long it would take for unemployment to decide whether or not I'm eligible. Three weeks was their reply. Three fucking weeks. I honestly wasn't expecting it to take that long. I panicked a little bit after I got off the phone.

Then Master reminded me how long it took when He applied a long time ago. Honestly I had pushed that out of my mind because His former employer had fought it and so it had to go to court and the finally He was approved.

Later on in the day I spoke with my mom and she told me that when she had applied, which again was quite some time ago, it took them five weeks. But again her former employer had fought it. She didn't have to go to court though because unemployment decided she was eligible regardless of what her former employer had said.

Both Master and my mother said that if I get anymore paperwork from unemployment I need to fill it out and fax it to them that same day so the process isn't stretched out any longer than it has to be. I'm just hoping they don't need any further paperwork that requires a reply and it doesn't take the full three weeks. The good thing is that if they decide that I am eligible that they will back pay me to my first weekly claim, which would be this week when I file on Sunday.

But that wasn't the only stress that I had yesterday. My grandfather is in the hospital. He is 74 and has had a bad heart for a long time. In fact the bottom part of his heart is dead. It doesn't do anything. He only has two working arteries and they have been blocked up several times. He's had four triple bypass surgeries over the years and has a pace maker. Yesterday his pace maker wasn't doing him any good. His heart was racing and they couldn't get it to slow down. They put him on blood thinners and were also trying to handle the other things that were going wrong. His body is attacking it's own organs and are actually trying to reject them.

A normal heart beat rate for an adult male is 70. By the time they had him on blood thinners for over four hours his heart had slowed down to 155. They apparently actually shocked his heart but that didn't do much either. They ran a shit ton of tests and still aren't sure what is going on.

My mom gave me another update later on in the evening and things hadn't really improved. The only thing that did change was that he basically kicked out my father and my uncle (his sons) telling them to go out and take care of his dog. He was more worried about his dog than himself. He wanted to be alone.

I haven't received any updates yet today. I plan on calling my mom a little bit later in the afternoon to see what is going on and if there have been any changes. I'm actually a little pissed that my dad didn't call me. So it was left to my mom to do so. This shouldn't be very shocking. That's how it normally happens. My dad does not deal well with this kind of thing at all, so he basically tells one person and then it has to go through the grape vine. This time it was my uncle, who then told my mother and brother, who then in turn told me. This is how it's been every time Grandpa ends up in the hospital.

I teared up a bit when my mom was telling me all of this. But now it's just a waiting game. They either figure out what is fully going on and can treat him and get things as close to normal as they can... or they say there is nothing they can do but keep him comfortable and let nature take it's course.

This may sound very cold but honestly I think I'm handling the stress pretty damn well. I haven't had any sudden mood changes. I haven't become depressed. I have been sleeping a bit more but I think that has more to do with the fact that my body is shutting down so I can deal with the stress in a more healthy fashion when I am awake.

And by I think I'm handling it well I'm not just referring to my grandfather. I'm also including the whole being fired and worried about unemployment as well. I'm a little surprised. I was worried that it would topple me into a deep dark depression but none of it has. One domino after another and I'm still standing on my own two feet and working through it the best I can. Master has been keeping a very close eye on me, which I understand. I think He is worried that the next domino may push me over the edge. I also think that He is surprised none of them have done so yet.

So now I wait on pins and needles about everything. My grandfather, finding a job, and seeing what the hell unemployment is going to do.

Comfort & Support

I had my medication upped not that long ago because I was having issues with being "only" on 225 milligrams. So I was upped to 300 milligrams. And since then I have been feeling great. No episodes of horrible thoughts. No sudden mood swings that make absolutely no sense. I'm back to normal. Well, as normal as I get anyway.

It has been a little over a month since the medication has been increased and it did take a little while for it to balance me out fully. It is one of those medications that has to build up in your system to work, so when I had to increase the dosage that take a little while to fully kick in. Which makes sense since it does have to build up. Thankfully because the drug had already been in my system for years the base was already there, so it didn't take long at all to catch up.

During the time before I realized the lower dosage wasn't working anymore, I told my Husband and my mother about the thoughts I was having. And of course they were concerned and worried. Master watched me like a hawk and my mom was constantly checking in to make sure things were okay and she did call Master while I was at work to make sure that I was telling her the complete truth rather than just telling Master and not her. She's over protective, but hey.. she's my mom. She loves me and she worries about me. So of course she is over protective, as is Master. I'm not mad or upset about it. I understand why they are.

I also know that I am very, very lucky to have them in my life and for them to care about me that much. My brother was also extremely worried and would check in.

Since that has happened, if I seem overly upset the words, "Do you need to up your medication again? upset me a little when it is first asked. I understand why those words are spoken.. I know it was extremely scary for the people I love while I was going through that shit right before my medication was upped. I understand the concern.

But sometimes those words make me feel crazy. As if I can't be very upset without people thinking my medication isn't working. I know that isn't the truth. I know they don't think I am actually crazy. They are just concerned and protective. I am open and honest with my feelings and I was when things started to happen and my medication actually did have to be upped.

I think it's mainly due to the fact that it hasn't been long since the medication was upped. Hell, it was only two months ago for crying out loud.

And no, it's not just Master who says that. My mother does too. And it's not like it's frequent.

It happened on Friday with Master because I had felt like I was going to cry all day and finally did shortly after I got home. The problem is I can't really talk when I'm crying. It's like my throat closes up and when I do try to talk I end up breathing in short bursts because I'm trying to talk. Of course my throat isn't actually closing, it's just how I feel when I cry.

So He asked me that question. At the time I couldn't speak so I just shook my head. When I finally calmed down enough to talk I explained that it's just the work bullshit and my being scared that I'll lose my job before I am able to find a new one. Yes, that feeling mainly happens at work because that is where all those feelings are coming from and I refuse to breakdown at work so it all comes tumbling out when I'm at home.

I was also worried about things that were going to happen yesterday, meaning Saturday. (Things went just fine by the way and it's not something I'm willing to talk about on the blog.) So it was a mixed range of emotions coming from two places in my mind at once.

It also didn't help that I am on the rag so I'm a little emotional anyway. It was a fucked up perfect storm going on in my damn gray matter.

I also don't think it helps that I haven't really broken down sobbing since my medication was upped. I'm sure that is a huge part of where that question came from.

Do not get me wrong. I do not actually get mad when people ask me that question. I deeply appreciate the concern and love that the question is coming from. And after I am done feeling a little crazy just from the fact that people feel the need to ask me that question, that feeling goes away and is replaced with my love for those people when they ask the question. And the comfort of that support overwhelms me in a wonderful way.

I also know that I don't always realize that I am acting certain ways until someone points out the fact that I am not being myself. So they get concerned and the question is because of that. They want to make sure that I know I am in fact acting in certain ways and want to make sure that I know why I am upset rather than just not having a valid reason.

I am not crazy. They don't think I'm crazy. They just know I need to make sure I know what is going on and that I am being completely honest about my feelings rather than leaving them in the dark, which I have been known for doing in the past before my medication fully kicked in. And I'm not talking about when it was upped, as I said I was an open book with that. I am referring to when I was first put on the medication and before it got to the dosage I needed at the time.

My Focal Point

I was having an iffy day. First, I woke up sad. I don't know why. I think I may have had a bad dream or something. Of course, nine times out of ten I don't remember my nightmares/bad dreams. Hell, I don't remember most of my dreams. I just wake up knowing that I've had one. This morning when I woke up I knew that I had dreamed about something, I just didn't know what. And when I realized that I felt sad I figured it was a bad dream.

I included that in my morning note to Master. I didn't want to wait until I got home to talk about it. He wants constant updates to make sure He knows exactly where I'm at mentally/emotionally. He's been like that since we found I'm bipolar. It's not a bad thing at all. I understand the concern and Him wanting to know so He knows how best to help me, should I need help. I also know it's so He can compare little mental notes He makes.

The feeling of sadness lifted on the way to work. But I was still a little up and down through out the day. I never felt depressed. But I would swing back and forth between feeling fine and then feeling a little down. I wondered if it had anything to do with my period hitting soon. But then I realized that's a little ways off still. So it must just be something that is happening for no apparent reason. It's not like I need a reason to feel off. It just happens sometimes.

I sent Master little text messages through out the day to keep Him updated. I had a couple of stops to make after work. I just couldn't wait until I got home. I just wanted to be near Him. And of course as soon as I was able to relax into the normal nightly routine I started feeling much better.

Master had kept me laughing and we've been joking around just to be silly. Maybe that's all I needed. A little bit of silliness. All work and no play makes Kitten a dull girl after all.

We watched Dexter while we goofed off. Now I'm doing my blog post and listening to songs on Your Tube while wearing my ear buds. I have this damn Rob Zombie song stuck in my head. And it's not really one of his that I love. It's mainly the beat. Isn't it always? And of course to purge it I have to listen to it. And now I'm listening to it for the second time just to make sure. Sometimes just listening to it once doesn't fully get it out, so then I figure listening to it more than once back to back is more likely to be successful. You know, follow the pattern of it looping around in my head.

Anyway, the point is that normally to feel better, since I'm properly medicated, all I need is some good down time silliness with my loving Husband. He is my rock. He is my focal point. And it works. And I love Him for it.

Progress

Today was just one of those days where I was busting my tail but felt like I didn't get a damn thing done. I still didn't let it stress me out though. I just took it as it came and took a deep breath if I had to. I'm not trying to sound all melodramatic or anything like that. It's just that I think it is in my best interest to remain as stress free as possible until the upped dosage of my medication has time to build up in my system.

So I am. Both Master and my mother have noticed quite a difference from it as well. I haven't seen my mom but I've talked to her over the phone and she says I sound a lot better. And Master seems more relaxed around me. Not that He was stand offish, He was just protective I guess is the way to put it. It was like He was on alert all the time. That is dialed down a few notches already so I must be doing really well.

I do feel like the whole taking a breather and not stressing myself out too badly is helping a lot. I feel better and I'm not anxious or upset when I walk out to the car after work. My day may have sucked, like today did, but I just let it roll off my back. 

Once I got home we watched Iron Man 3. Holy fucking hell did that movie suck. A lot. There were a few moments that were funny and/or interesting but they were few and far between. So yeah. We won't be watching that again.

Other than the whole bipolar thing and watching a stupid as hell movie I don't really have a lot to say tonight. I'm feeling a little tired. Well, not tired really. Just sore and as a result moving a little slower and feeling a little run down.

Humming

No more images today, thankfully. I remember still being a little tense last night when I went to bed. Not because it had happened again but just because that is very jarring. And so I was a little on edge. I was sleeping on and off and tossing and turning. Only going to sleep just long enough for me to open my eyes again and look at the clock and realize I had only been asleep for about 20 to 30 minutes. But then I felt Master get into bed. I remember that I wasn't really awake when this happened. I remember whimpering a little bit. Only because I wasn't all the way awake and suddenly I felt movement on the bed. Then I woke up enough to realize that Master was slipping into bed next to me, so I laid back down. Once I was laying on my side Master put His arm around me and gently pulled me to Him. I immediately relaxed and didn't wake up again until my alarm went off. All I needed was to be held. It's amazing how much that can help.

I left Master my usual morning note letting Him know how I'm doing. I told Him that I hadn't had any further images and that I would send Him another message on my lunch break.

The work day was stressful but when I started to feel a little overwhelmed I just did some deep breathing and eventually just started softly humming to myself in order to keep myself distracted and calm. That actually helped a lot more than I thought it would.

On my lunch break I sent Master another message, like I said I would, and told Him that everything was still "normal". No more images.

The rest of the work day was more of the same and I was still fine. No images. No thoughts. The rest of the night has been equally relaxed as far as that goes. Of course I feel better because I'm at home. But I'm glad that no more images happened today. I know part of it is because I allow myself to feel overwhelmed. I have a feeling that has at least a little to do with it. But nothing today. I may keep trying that soft humming thing. As long as it doesn't bother anyone and it helps, why not?

Here We Go Again

Remember a little while ago when I made a post about me seeing images that weren't so pleasant? I had those again today. They aren't as... bad? Well, I'll put it this way... They weren't borderline suicidal thoughts they were "only" thoughts of me hurting myself. Again it was really images rather than just thoughts.

I just saw my shrink two Fridays ago and everything was fine after he upped my medication dosage. No more images after that. Then it happens again today. Not as "bad" like I said but still disturbing. I wanted to cry because I don't understand why they came back. So I called Master and told Him. I couldn't really go into detail because I was on my work phone. He understood what I was saying though and I told Him that I already called my doctor but he wasn't available for my call. They told me he would call me back.

So I went on lunch and talked to my mom for a while. She told me it would be okay, just like Master did. Master and my mom, when it comes to me and my health, make one hell of a tag team, let me tell ya. It's really nice to know that I have that kind of support system. Don't get me wrong, it doesn't take something like this to show me that I have this support system. I have always known that. My mom did suggest to me that I leave work a little early and go home, where I feel safe. Master agreed. So I decided I would leave work one hour early. I know it doesn't sound like a lot but it's all I could really afford to take.

Well, by the time I got back from lunch my doctor still hadn't called me back. I called his office again and again he was not available but he had been told about my phone call and would call me back when he could. Around 3pm he called me back. I told him what was going on and he said that he was glad they weren't as bad but he believes that it is because the upped dosage hasn't had time to fully build up in my system yet. This kind of medication has be built up in the system for a while in order to take effect. He said it could take up to a month to a month and a half. He did tell me that since the images aren't as "extreme" this time it was a good sign.

So for now all I am to do is to keep taking the upped dosage of my medication so that it has more time to build up in my system.

When I got home I told Master about it and then called my mother and told her. They were both in agreement that what my shrink had said made sense and was the best course of action. I feel better knowing that.

My mom did tell me that she thinks some of it is due to my extreme stress at work. Not to mention my worrying about what happens if I were to lose my job. She told me that if they really want me gone, they will look for any reason and no matter what I do it'll happen. So why should I stress about something I have no control over? They company is starting to fail and they know that. So they are trying to thin out the employees and since I've been with them for 4 1/2 years I am making more than most of the people in my department, even though I honestly do not make a lot.

She is basically trying to make me realize that I can't control it and so all I can do is what I can do. Other than that just keep applying to other jobs, which I have been.

I know part of it is my working myself up and my system is having problems coping with it. And as a result, maybe that's part of why the images come. Obviously my medication dosage is/was a part of it. But medication is not a cure all. And these are very, very new experiences so the tie in cannot be ignored.

I have felt better since I got home and had longer talks with both my Master and my mother. I don't know what I would do without them.

Thirteen

I have always said that I'm a tattoo addict. And that is the truth right there. It is something I've been addicted to since the first time I felt the tattoo gun touch my skin. That happened when I was 18. Since I was 13 years old I knew I wanted a tattoo. Of course I couldn't get one back then. I'm almost afraid what the hell I would have ended up with had I been allowed to get one at 13. *laughs*

But in this state you have to be 18 years old to get a tattoo. So, about a month after my 18th birthday I got one. I'm 30 years old now and I regret none of them. I love them all as much as I did when I got them done. My tattoos mean a lot to me. I would feel unfished without them. I would say I have an almost emotional attachment to them. I don't get them just to "look cool".

So in the course of 12 years I've collected 12 tattoos. That's one a year! Or at least it would be if they were actually spaced out that way. But they aren't. Some of them where in bursts.

But I've always promised myself that I would never get more than13 tattoos in total. So, once I hit 13 I am going to stop. Now, granted, I will be getting some touch ups. I got my first tattoo touched up when I got number 12 done. There was a time where I didn't know how to properly take care of tattoos. That would be he first one and the second one. Obviously, the first one is now touched up. So that leaves the second one. Which takes up most of my left calf. I'm not sure how expensive that one is going to be. There are a couple of other pieces that need a little touching up.

I thought about just getting all the touch ups done before I got number 13. But I think, honestly, it would be best to get number 13 first and then get the touch ups. That way, after I get the 13th done, I'll know the experience isn't over yet. I guess it'll kind of be like making sure I know that isn't the end of it all. Not yet anyway.

So now all I have to figure out is how much the 13th one will be, save up, and then get it. That is after I figure out exactly where the hell I'm putting her.

Yes, her. Master found the image for me a while go. Kind of poking fun of me for being bipolar and calling myself crazy. And she is awesome! So what I did was I took her out of the rest of the picture and saved that to our tattoo folder on the computer so I have her all ready to go when I finally go to get it put on my skin.

Here is what I'm talking about:

Isn't she fucking awesome?! I didn't name her or anything. See what I mean though? About poking fun at myself? It's this psycho looking chick in a straight jacket. And the little red butterfly floating next to her only makes it funnier to me. And that is the exact size I want her done. Any smaller and she's not going to look as detailed. Any bigger and I wouldn't like it. Her and her little butterfly friend. I could leave the butterfly out but it just wouldn't seem right to me.

She is sitting down so I kind of feel like she would look better looking like she is sitting on something. Meaning a part of my body. I don't want any kind of border or anything added to make it look like she is sitting on something. I thought about my wrist but it isn't wide enough. She probably will end up floating freely though. Simply because of the size and how skinny all of the places she could "sit" are.

Relieved

This is an update on how my shrink appointment went yesterday. Master had allowed me to skip my post last night.

Master had convinced me to leave the apartment to go to my appointment a good 15 minutes earlier than I had been planning to. He told me that since it was Friday traffic might be worse than usual and it is a bit of a drive out there. I grumbled a little bit because I didn't want to be in the waiting room that long, but I did as I was told. I did end up getting there about 20 minutes early but I was only in the waiting room for about 10 minutes. So my appointment started early for a change. My shrink had me sit down and sign a new confidentiality agreement. They do it once a year and for some reason it's normally around this time.

After that we talked. I was very open and honest with him, just like I always am. I figure that if I don't tell him the truth then I am robbing myself of being properly taken care of and helped by a medical professional. At that point, what is the use of even going?

The appointment ran longer than it usually did. Normally it's a quick in and out just to catch up a little and get my new prescription. It was so short for so long because I was doing extremely well. The only times the sessions have been longer is when something needs to be changed.

I updated him on everything and he asked me quite a few questions and was writing in my file the entire time. (I have a file at a shirnk's office... Weird.)

He asked me if I had noticed a change in my mood since upping the dosage. I said I was actually more upbeat if anything. No more thoughts/images like I had when I called him. None.

Then came the part that I was slightly dreading. He asked me if I had noticed any side effects. I told him that yes I had. I told him that if I took them about a half hour before I went to bed I would quickly start to feel drunk and my vision would get blurry. But in the morning I would be absolutely fine. I then told him that the past couple of nights I had switched to taking them literally right before I was going to walk to the bedroom. I would wait until the last possible moment, take my pills, and then go to bed to get some sleep. That way I didn't notice any side effects because I was sleeping and again when I woke up in the morning there were no side effects at all. Apparently it only happens directly after I take them. Once I "sleep it off" I'm fine.

He informed me that he has heard of other people having that issue as well. Obviously he can't tell me they are his patients but that's what I am assuming. But he said if that's all I have to do is to take them last minute and after that I was fine and it stabilized me, he didn't want to mess with it. He wants to keep me on my current medication at the current dosage. Yay! I was very happy.

He did tell me that he wants me to continue to wait until I'm literally going to go lay my head down to sleep. That way I don't run the risk of it possibly deterring me from wanting to take the pills in order to not feel the side effects at all. That's not a good thing.

I told Master all of this once I got home. He seemed extremely relieved, just like I was.

So I figure that as long as I don't take them until about 5 minutes before I go to sleep that I don't have to worry about it. It won't have time to kick in with that whole drunk feeling.

I sure in the hell don't want to take them before we have sex. That would be a horrible thing to kick in the middle of fucking. I would rather have to peel myself off our nice comfy bed afterwards and go take my meds than deal with that. Talk about killing the mood. Holy hell.

Sane(ish)

Well, tomorrow I go to see my shrink. I'm a little nervous about it. Up until two days ago I felt no side effects from upping the dosage on my current medication. But two nights ago I started to get that sensation you get when you have been up way, way too long. Not quite drunk but totally out of it. And I couldn't get my eyes to focus worth a damn. I also felt a little off balance.

As soon as that kicked in, about a half hour after taking them, I went to bed. Which sucked because I had another 45 minutes before my bedtime! (Yes, I have a bedtime.) I never want to go to bed early unless I'm not feeling well. Never.

So last night I took them literally right before I went off to bed. I didn't want to experience that again. And I'll do the same thing tonight.

But the reason why I'm nervous about it is because I'm worried that he'll want to switch the medication I'm on. I don't like that idea. Although, I'd rather completely switch medications rather than being put on two medications. But, if it's something he thinks is best I would have to go with. It's not like I'd have a choice. I mean, I can't put a gun to the guy's head and make him write out a prescription.

Don't get me wrong. I trust my shrink. But the idea of switching to a completely different medication makes me feel anxious. I don't know what that medication is going to do to me. I don't know how I'm going to feel on them. I don't know if they will work. I don't know what kind of side effects it'll cause. Hell, on a medication I was on in addition to my current pills, my sex drive was completely dead.

I'm all for being sane(ish) but I'd like to keep my sex drive thank you very much. I'm only 30 years old for fuck's sake. (No pun intended.) I also don't want to be on something that is going to make me a zombie. I don't want to be on something that will make me Little Miss Sunshine 24/7 either. I'd like to be able to react and actually feel things. The ups and the downs. As long as I don't go completely manic, or into a state of illogical rage, or into that deep pit of depression, I'm happy. Basically I just want to be balanced out, which is what my current medication does.

I'm not about to lie to the man and tell him I've experienced no effects what so ever. He can't help me if I lie. At least I realize I need the help though.

I fought it for a long, long time. I didn't want to admit that I needed medication. But when I did it was like a light bulb went off. And then I was all for it. I started callings places covered by my insurance the very next day. And I'm very glad I did. That was about three years ago now. Close to it anyway. And I must say I feel like a completely different person. I feel like me.

Increased Dosage

The remainder of last night went without any further images, thankfully. I was worried that the 300 milligrams would mess with me like it did before but I still wanted to fool around. So about a half hour before I was going to take the pills I asked Master if we could go fool around. And so we did. And it was fucking awesome. *grins*

Afterwards it was about time for me to take the pills. I was still a little nervous about it but I took them. It was about a half hour before my bedtime and by the time it was time for me to go to bed I didn't experience any of the drunk feeling or double vision problems that I had when I was on that dosage before. But I am glad that I only took it a half hour before bed. I don't know if it would have happened within another hour or so.

I slept great though. When I got up this morning there was a note from Master telling me to keep Him updated throughout my day. I wrote Him back and promised Him I would.

I actually woke up in a pretty good mood. And as the day went on it just got better, which is rather odd since I was at work and it was a typical stressful day. But I remained in a good mood. If anything I was hyper.

On my lunch break I sent Master a message to let Him know. He appreciated it and was glad to hear it. No images today. At all. It was all smiles and a good mood and feeling a little goofy due to my being hyper.

I've been very talkative. Again just part of my being a bit hyper. And as a result I'm feeling a little tired now. My mood is still up but when I'm hyper it tires me out a little. So right now I'm just sitting here doing my blog post and listening to random songs on You Tube, dancing in my chair a little bit.

I was thinking about it today though. My medication situation I mean. I'm 30 now and half way to my 31st birthday. All the women in my family hit menopause young. Not my age but by the time they are 35 it starts to kick in. And I almost wonder if the fact that my body chemistry is changing now that I'm a tiny bit older, it's effecting the fact that the low dose I was on before isn't able to keep up. And just the fact that adding 75 milligrams to my dosage is what is keeping me in a good mood. The sex helped, don't get me wrong.

But to go from having horrifying images burst through my mind yesterday to being slightly elated today catches my attention. I told Master that maybe that is all I needed, an upped dosage.

I have an appointment with my shrink a week from today. And as long as these results continue I'll tell him my thoughts on it. I would honestly rather up my dosage of what I'm currently on, rather than changing to a totally different medication. This medication has been working for 3 years. If all I have to do is keep it at 300 milligrams I'm more than happy to do so. I just wouldn't change from taking the pills right before bed. So on the weekends when Master allows me to stay up late I won't take it at 11pm, simply because I don't want to feel that way and have to go to bed during one of the only times during the week I don't have to go to bed before midnight.

So I'm keeping my fingers crossed that all I needed was a larger dose of what I'm currently on.

Makes No Sense

Something weird was happening today. Very fucking weird.

I've been on my the same the medication for a little over three years for my bipolar disorder. I know all of the side effects of it since I made sure to read up on it when I first started taking it. I'm very suspicious of medications, let alone ones that will directly effect my brain chemistry.

It took a while to get me up to the dosage I'm on now. I'm on 225 milligrams currently. For a while I was actually on a second medication. But it wasn't doing me any good and was expensive so I asked my shrink to take me off of it. He agreed. There was also a period of time where he had bumped me up to 300 milligrams but we backed back down to 225 milligrams because for some reason kicking me up to the 300 caused me to have severe double vision and I basically acted drunk until I went to bed. I take my medication at night, so it was only for a couple of hours but still.

Since then I haven't noticed any side effects. Until today. Today I was having bursts of images that were... disturbing. They were on and off again. When it first happened I just pushed it aside as a what the fuck moment. But it happened again. And again. The third time did it. I sent Master a message to let Him know what was going on.

I didn't hear back from Him right away so I figured He was busy, in the shower, or outside of the apartment. Right after that was my lunch break so I called my mom. I told her what was going on and she told me to call my shrink. So I did.

I got the receptionist and she said that she would pass the message along to him. Well, of course by that point I had to go back in so I left her my work phone number.

It would figure that he called me back while I was in the damn copy room. When I listened to the voice mail he told me he wasn't in the office and that he would try to call again in the next two hours. He didn't leave a return number.

I had called the house and got a hold of Master by that point and told Him what was going on. Apparently, for whatever reason, He didn't get my prior message. He told me to keep Him updated.

Finally my shrink called again and I was able to catch the phone call. I told him what was going on. Basically, the images bursting randomly through my mind's eye were of me hurting myself. Borderline suicidal images. I would concentrate to make them stop and they would but they would burst back through a little later on. They were vivid. He asked me if I felt an impulse to act on them. I answered honestly that no I did not but they were still very bothersome. He told me that I have an appointment with him next Friday and since I don't have an impulse to act upon these images it wasn't an emergency.

He said there really wasn't anything he could do until I saw him. But he didn't want me to come in until next Friday.

I told Master all of this and He is more than a little pissed off about it. He feels that if a patient is having those kind of vivid images a shrink should take that more seriously instead of pushing it off for a week.

I guess while I was still at work my mom called Master and spoke with Him telling Him not to leave me alone just in case. I'm not depressed. I don't want to act on the images in my head but of course they both still worry and don't want that one moment to come by where all of a sudden I may decide those images make sense and basically sound like a "good idea".

But the fact that I'm not depressed, or even close to it for that matter, is what is really confusing me. But suicidal thoughts/images are a side effect of my meds. Which is why when the shrink told me to up it back up to 300 milligrams until I see him next week surprised me. Okay.. so this is a side effect I'm having and you want me to take more of it? But it made sense to Master. Basically maybe ramping it up will cause the chemistry in my system to knock those out.

I am not looking forward to the drunk/double vision bullshit. But apparently I'm going to have to deal with it for the next week. I'll just be taking my meds closer to my actual bed time. Master wants me to take them a half hour before I go to sleep.

The bursts of images haven't hit me since the ride home from work. Hopefully they'll stay away.

The other really weird thing is that I'm actually in a pretty good mood right now. What the fuck brain?

Flood Warning

Have you ever had one of those days where something seems wrong but you don't know what? By wrong, I mean with how you're feeling. I feel off. Master has commented on it. He's asked me what is wrong. I honestly have no idea. So I thought that maybe rambling on with the blog post for a while may or may not help. Sometimes writing will bring shit to light in my brain. So.. I've got my blog post going and music in my ear buds. Let's see if this helps.

Since my review last week I have felt very off at work. I feel.. nervous I guess. After four years I didn't expect this bullshit. Especially when it's obvious that they are picking every little action apart and expecting me to be 100% all of the time. I'm human mother fucker. And the small stuff I'm behind on is exactly that. Small. I am behind on that so I can keep the important shit on time. You're the ones who lost three people in the department and haven't replaced any of them. Two of them you people fired. So hello... Also? I'm the only one in my entire department who does what I do. Literally. Everyone else works on other shit. You fired the other girl who did the same kind of work I do.

Oh, and another thing that makes me slightly nervous is that since those last two people who got fired from my department I'm not the longest running analyst in that entire department if you don't include my supervisor and trainer.

Everyone else has only been there for a year and a half or less. I can't believe I didn't realize that until just now. Yeah, that makes me nervous too. Maybe they want all fresh blood so they can pay them less. They fired the last two, one quit, and now I feel like I'm being purposefully scared at work in the hopes that I'll quit. Or maybe they are just doing it so I won't make any waves about anything at all, let alone my bullshit raise.

So I've had that gut feeling that I need to get while the going is good. I've been tossing my resume around more and more. So far nothing, but it's only been a week since I've been more than just passively browsing job postings. I know something will come along. I just hope it's sooner rather than later.

It also feels like I'm taking one step forward and being forcefully being knocked back five. It's one thing on top of another lately.

I didn't talk about some of it here on the blog, because I'm slightly embarrassed by it. But fuck it.. who cares.

It started with the car. She needed just under $500 tossed at her because something went wrong with the transmission. That came right after the fact that I took three extra days off work just for the fuck of it. Well, that little fiasco caused me to take another three days off.

After that it was quiet for a little while. Not long. But for a little while. Next came the part I was slightly embarrassed about. One of my teeth completely broke off. It's gone. The tooth was dead so it didn't hurt but it's a blow to the vanity I guess. It's visible. Master reassured me over and over again that it's not obvious and that I'm still beautiful. I know He means it. I know He's not blowing smoke up my ass. And I appreciate that. I really needed to hear that at the time.

Well, there is more time off for the dentist. And to add insult to injury I couldn't get it fixed. My insurance didn't cover enough of it and the cost is just fucking astronomical. So that's on the back burner right now.

Again, it went quiet for a short period of time. Then the car acted up again. I had taken in her for her oil change and they needed to do a quick fix on her because she was leaking power steering fluid all over the damn place.

A little more time off of work. But then the following Monday came around and she just wasn't right. Something was still very wrong. Yep. Sure as shit. The quick fix wasn't enough. New rack and pinnon and both outer tie rods. Not good. Very unsafe actually.

A day and a half off work right there. And almost another $500 plopped into the car.

So. Much. Fun.

So now, I'm only four months into this work anniversary year and I'm already down to five hours of personal time. All of my vacation days are gone. Three of them because I wanted to and the rest were either due to the car or due to my teeth.

Same with the personal time. I'd say only about 10 of those hours were because I wanted to and the rest went to the car and my teeth. The teeth took more than one day because I was trying to find another place that would maybe be cheaper. That didn't happen. So I feel like that time off work was for nothing. I was trying to balance out the vacation days and personal time but it still didn't work out the way I had hoped.

So if I use those last five hours before finding a new job I'll go over again and that means a written warning at work which then means I'm one away from being "terminated" as they like to call it. So hopefully I won't have to use those five hours for interviews, so I land one.

It would be one thing if I had done it all just for the fuck of it. Then I could see where it's my fault. But 80% of it was out of my control. Not that it matters. The result is the same.

All of this and Master and I still have the goal of moving the hell out of here sooner rather than later. It seems to be getting worse here each time they move a new person in. And lately that has been pretty frequent because people keep moving out.

But each time something happens that goal seems farther and farther away. And it's really starting to piss me off.

It pissed me off more when I realized that we are signing a new one year lease with our current landlord this month. We should be getting the renewal agreement in the mail within the next week. We could do a bi-monthly lease but that's an additional $60 a month for rent. Fuck that noise.

Then, last night, Master received an e-mail from BC. You know, the married guy who lives with his parents? Yeah. That one.

Well guess fucking what. They are moving. They want us to help them at the end of this month. Never mind we helped them last time they moved out of his parents house. We did 90% of it because everyone else just wanted to stand there and talk.

Literally less than six months later they moved back in with his parents. Now they are trying it again... a couple of years later.

He's our friend. So I understand why he reached out to us to help him move. But the way the last move went, it ended up leaving a sour taste in my mouth for helping them move anything. Not to mention the fact that I still can't stand his fucking wife.

It also feels like salt being rubbed in the wound of our own end goal of moving. They could do it because they weren't paying rent for two years and could do with their money what they want. 

I know I'm being bitter. And I don't really give a fuck right now. I also know that it's not BC's fault and he doesn't know why I would feel that way. I probably shouldn't feel that way, but I do. Maybe if I could live rent free for a couple of years I would be in a better situation. But I left my parent's house at 17 and have been paying rent and bills since then. So ya know, a 36 year old who only lived outside of his parent's house for a whopping four years all told.. yeah. And that's only if you total them all up. They have been small breaks here and there and before you know it he's right back at home.

Ugh.

So, to make it short but sweet I would say my problem is stress and my mind spinning trying to figure out how to skip that whole being knocked back five paces every time I take one step forward. It's just a lot of juggling in my head.

Need a new job. Need to make sure we keep on top of shit. Pray that the car behaves now. Keep the end goal of moving to Master's home town in sight and reminding myself that it is realistic and obtainable.

The amazing thing is that I don't feel depressed. Yay for bipolar medication. I do feel myself shutting off mentally every so often. It's getting more frequent, but I can still flip the switch back on without any effort. The shut off thing is a defense mechanism so that I don't stress myself out to the point of going down the rabbit hole and having to fight tooth and claw to get myself back out.

My mind is not a fun place to be right now. Like I said, I'm not depressed. I'm not in a rage state of mind. It's just.. dark in there I guess.

Cry me a river, right? Yeah. I know. I keep telling myself that it could all be so much worse. The funny thing is that I didn't even realize all of this until I started typing. Blogging can be therapeutic from time to time. It can also, obviously, help me sort shit out that I didn't even know I was thinking.

That's so fucked up. How are you thinking about something, or multiple somethings, and not even realize what it all is. You just feel that spinning sensation and feel run down. Next thing you know you put pen to paper or fingers to a keyboard and it all floods out.

Boring

I feel like I'm a very boring individual lately. Between stress about the car a few days ago and then trying to bust my tail getting enough hours in at work, I don't seem to have any energy or mental capacity to be interesting.

I haven't had any interesting thoughts about the lifestyle or dynamic. I've pretty much been just going to work and sleeping. And in between those times I've been pretty much brain dead. Yay or something. It's effecting my blogging, obviously. And I'm sure I'm pretty boring in general at the moment. I know I haven't been of much use/help to Master. By use I mean I haven't been doing much of anything aside from sleeping or being a bump on the couch. As far as help I mean He'll ask me what I want to do, during the brief moments I'm awake, and I have no bloody idea.

None. I know I'm not depressed. Although it seems somewhat similar. When I'm depressed all I do is sleep and sit there in a daze. When I'm stressed the fuck out or just over tired for more than a day, I pretty much have the same "symptoms". It's just without the whole woe is me feeling and depressed/depressing thought pattern.

Odd.

I never really made that connection until I started typing it out. But, like I said, I know I'm not in one of my depressed slumps. I'm just trying to mentally recover from all the bullshit that's been going on this week. And when I'm doing that I just feel like a zombie most of the time.

I don't even know where to go with that. I know that tonight Master is pretty bored and I kind of am too, but I have no suggestions as to what to do, what to watch, etc. I'm sure that's frustrating for Him. It's frustrating for me too, just in a different way. 

Worry

After I was done writing my blog post last night I went to take my shower. Running extremely hot water and aiming the shower head right on the back of my neck helped a lot. I took a longer shower than I usually do, but who cares. Well, I might if we ever have to actually pay a water bill. Then I'll care. Once I was done with my shower I came into the living room and plopped down on the couch, rolling my neck and enjoying the fact that I could move it again without cringing too badly.

Then Master said something that took me off guard. He said, "You worry too much."

Where the hell did that come from? Dude, I was in the shower and I come out and I worry too much? I'm confused!

But He continued by explaining that He had read my blog post and that was why He said I worry too much. It's not like it's the first time He's ever said it to me. He tells me that all the time. I worry too much.

If I remember correctly, that's part of being bipolar. If not, who cares. It's how I am. It's how I've always been. I worry. And then there are those lovely anxiety attacks I get. Those are fun. They aren't full on panic attacks or anything like that. I just suddenly feel overwhelmed and my heart starts to race a little bit and I feel very, very anxious.

Master tells me that I need to stop worrying so much. He has to tell me when there is nothing I can do to prevent certain things and as a result there is no need to worry about them. But I do.

I think I get that from my mother actually. We both basically try to prepare ourselves for the worst, just in case. *shrugs*

I will say that even that has gotten better since I've been medicated though. I think Master would agree with that. Maybe one day I'll get to an age where I'll say, "Fuck it."

You know.. like when I'm 80 or so.

Episode

I know that my medication is not a cure. It's something to help keep me stable. Note the word help. It can't stop everything. It can't make me "normal".

However, it has helped a lot. I haven't had any blow ups or severe depression in a long time. I honestly cannot remember the last time I had either of those. That's not to say I don't dip my toes into those extremes from time to time. Like I said, my medication is not a cure. But it's a world of difference. As much as I was fighting being put on medication due to past experiences, I'm so glad that I was finally willing to give it a shot. I'm a better person with the medication.

Today though, I had a small "episode". Yeah. I guess that is what you would call it.

I had an anxiety/panic attack of sorts. I got to work an hour and a half early. I had slept for shit last night. I think I got at most four hours of broken sleep. I was up and down and tossing and turning. In fact, I got up twice really close to when the alarm was going to go off. One time around 4am and the other around 5am. When the alarm did go off at 5:20am I hadn't really gone back to sleep. I was just laying there with my eyes closed.

Anyway, I was fine until just before my lunch break. I suddenly had this antsy feeling. I went on lunch and went outside. Maybe the fresh air would help. Nope. If anything it made it slightly worse. I was having the kind of anxiety attack where I just wanted to go. It wasn't because of the normal I just don't want to be at work thing. This was I have to get out. I need to go. I started to feel slightly claustrophobic at the thought of going back inside.

My heart was racing on and off. I couldn't calm down all the way. I didn't freak the fuck out or anything. I just felt very, very anxious. I called Master and told Him what was going on. He talked to me and that did help. His voice was calm and He told me to breathe. I was rambling on about a mile a minute and I knew it. I then blurted out that I wanted to leave work early.

Yes, I know.. I'm putting in extra hours and I'm going to leave early? Seriously? But Master agreed that it might be best. After all, it hasn't been that bad in a very long time. I was only going to leave an hour and a half early though. I just had to get through three more hours. That's all I had to do. I calmed down a little bit because I continued to remind myself that I would leave soon and go home.

I felt a lot better on the drive home though. Sometimes going for a drive helps me a lot. So a forty-five minute drive calmed me down. I was still a little wound up when I walked in the door. Master gave me a big hug and I've pretty much just been slowly getting back to normal, or what passes as normal for me, since then.

Working Myself Up

Sometimes, even though I'm medicated, I can emotional over react to some things. Not nearly as bad as I did prior to my medication. And I understand that medication is not a cure. I'll still have my good and my bad days. I know this. That doesn't mean it doesn't fucking suck.

Today was one of those days. I had a knot in my stomach the minute I got in the car to go to work. Just an uneasy feeling. I don't know if it's because I want a new job and I'm sick of this one, or if it's because seven people have been fired in the last 30 days which is honestly a record high for that place. We aren't that large of an office.

As a result I was stressing myself out, as I am known to do. I contacted Master on my lunch break to tell Him and He told me to just breathe and calm myself down. There is no use in working myself up because then I'll just make myself stress out even more.

He's right, of course.

I was eventually able to calm down enough where that knot in my stomach went away. I got approved for eight hours of overtime this week. That's a lot honestly. More than I thought I would get. What sucks the most though is that I'll most likely end up having to work Saturday. It doesn't suck just because it's a Saturday. But it also sucks because we have plans to see His dad's side of the family on Saturday. That's not until 3pm though so I would go in early, obviously. I'm not about to cancel our plans with His family. We don't see them all that often.

I told Master this and He is just more worried about me burning myself out and wearing myself too thin. I told Him I'm not going to cancel and He said that He understands that but He is worried about me. I react to stress physically. Not only does my fibromyalgia kick into high gear, like today, but I get pale,  I am tired all the time, my appetite goes right out the window which isn't a good thing because of my blood sugar issues.

So, while I have these eight hours of overtime approved I highly doubt I'll be able to pull it off within the next four days. I did an extra 45 minutes today. I would have done more but I wasn't sure what the approval amount was going to be and I wanted to be able to spread it out if it was a low number. This is why I think I'll end up going in on Saturday. I do get a four day weekend next week though due to Memorial Day. So at least I'll have that to look forward to if/when I have to work on Saturday.

Right now I'm just trying to decompress and will try to not stress myself out so much by working myself up.

When I got home tonight though the first thing that happened was that Master came over to me, gave me a hug, and held me close for a little while. That was really nice, and very much needed and appreciated.

Touch Base

I was having a very rough day today at work. It was getting to the point that I was starting to feel overwhelmed. I don't mean just by my work load, I mean as in my mood. I'm not sure why. It may be in part due to the fact that I'm on my period and the other part is just because of how work has been going lately. Either way it was about 2:30pm when it hit me.

I knew that if I could talk to Master for a few moments I would feel better.

So I called Him. Thankfully He answered the phone and we talked for a few moments. It wasn't that I was spinning out of control or anything. I just needed to touch base and breathe for a moment. The best way for me to do that is to hear Master's voice. It's like touching base. He centers me. Even if it's just a quick phone call.

We talked for about six or seven minutes and then I had to get back to my never ending work load. But really, that's all I needed. I felt better the minute I hung up the phone. The rest of the work day seemed a bit easier. Yes, it was only two more hours but still.

When I got home from work Master gave me a big hug, which made me feel even better. My hands have been bothering me though. I have the ability to type up to 70wpm and that has been put to the test quite a bit lately. But when I do that almost non-stop for 8+ hours a day it starts to hurt. My wrist, my knuckles, my finger tips. I think my fibromyalgia plays into that a little bit, but I'm not 100% sure on that.

They feel a little better now.

Good News!

I got some good news today. It's nothing overly major but it's still good news. Remember not that long ago when I stated I would have to start hunting for a new shrink? Well, I had already set up an appointment with my current shrink for June by the time I got that letter in the mail. I had been putting off calling and cancelling the appointment. But today was a somewhat slow day at work so I finally called. I was placed on hold for a little while and when they came back to the phone they asked me why I was cancelling the appointment.

I started describing the letter my health insurance had sent me and she cut me off. I thought that was rather rude at first but whatever. She asked me if it was for "x" insurance company. I confirmed that it was and she said that she didn't mean to cut me off like that but they had been receiving quite a few calls regarding this and apparently that letter was sent in error.

My shrink is still taking my insurance and I was told I can disregard that letter. Hooray! I can keep seeing my shrink!

That took a load off my mind actually. I was not looking forward to that process at all.

I mean I have a really good relationship with my shrink. He is a very nice guy. I'm on the medication we all feel works best for me. (We as in my shrink, Master, and myself.) I'm on a schedule with him now that I only have to see him twice a year unless I feel the need to have an appointment with him before the next one. So far that hasn't been necessary.

I like the staff there too. The only drawback to that place is the fact that I hate their parking lot. *laughs* 

Center Myself

Master told me today that I have seemed off and distant the past few days. He had mentioned it in passing yesterday and the day before but I just told Him I was sore. Honestly I hadn't even noticed that I was acting like that. But when He stops and brings it up fully I have to take notice to that. So I thought about it a little bit and stated that I have been sore lately and getting bad headaches on and off the past few days. I also realized that I am due for my period any day now so I told Him that as well. I promised Him I would try to keep a better eye on it. He told me to just keep Him updated.

Obviously even though I am medicated my moods can still fluctuate and yes, I don't always notice the differences or that I'm acting differently. So I rely on Him to bring these things to my attention so I can try to catch it earlier.

I just haven't had a lot of energy lately and the on and off headaches are driving me nuts. Another good indicator that shark week is about to begin. (Shark week... period... ha ha funny...)

I wish there was a cure for this shit. I hate having to keep all this in mind at one time. I know Master is helping as best He can, and trust me it's a huge help. It still sucks though.

All I could think about today was getting home, putting on one of Master's t-shirts and being lazy. And that's exactly what I'm doing.

I'm not depressed, I know that for sure. I am a lot worse when I'm depressed. I will barely talk, I don't even want to really look at anything. I gaze off into nothing a lot when I'm depressed and it's hard to get me to respond.

So, this isn't it.

When Master told me to start my nightly routine I went to do my blog post and popped in my ear buds. Listening to music with ear buds in really helps me kind of center myself. You would think that it would make my spaced out feeling worse, but music makes me focus. I know it sounds cliche but music has helped me a lot over the course of my lifetime.

It helps center me as I said. It doesn't matter what mood I'm in music will make me focus really quick. I don't really know how to explain it or why it has that effect on me. I crank the music up when I'm in a bad mood or just need to jump start myself. I crank the music if I'm upset. It's different songs and different bands depending on the mood I'm in.

But now, I'm sure how I act at concerts makes a lot more sense. I'm very alert and energetic. It's like a natural high.

Oh, I have found a song that I love at the moment. Master listened to it and thinks I'm nuts. We are both into really hard rock and heavy metal music. But there are some differences as to the bands/songs. This is one that I love a lot and He thinks sucks. *shrugs* This is why I listen to it when I have my ear buds in. *laughs*

It kind of reminds me of the dynamic and just being sick in the head. I don't meant that to sound negative at all.

I have listened to other songs by this band and eh.. not really into it. But this song? Love the hell out of it.