Relieved

This is an update on how my shrink appointment went yesterday. Master had allowed me to skip my post last night.

Master had convinced me to leave the apartment to go to my appointment a good 15 minutes earlier than I had been planning to. He told me that since it was Friday traffic might be worse than usual and it is a bit of a drive out there. I grumbled a little bit because I didn't want to be in the waiting room that long, but I did as I was told. I did end up getting there about 20 minutes early but I was only in the waiting room for about 10 minutes. So my appointment started early for a change. My shrink had me sit down and sign a new confidentiality agreement. They do it once a year and for some reason it's normally around this time.

After that we talked. I was very open and honest with him, just like I always am. I figure that if I don't tell him the truth then I am robbing myself of being properly taken care of and helped by a medical professional. At that point, what is the use of even going?

The appointment ran longer than it usually did. Normally it's a quick in and out just to catch up a little and get my new prescription. It was so short for so long because I was doing extremely well. The only times the sessions have been longer is when something needs to be changed.

I updated him on everything and he asked me quite a few questions and was writing in my file the entire time. (I have a file at a shirnk's office... Weird.)

He asked me if I had noticed a change in my mood since upping the dosage. I said I was actually more upbeat if anything. No more thoughts/images like I had when I called him. None.

Then came the part that I was slightly dreading. He asked me if I had noticed any side effects. I told him that yes I had. I told him that if I took them about a half hour before I went to bed I would quickly start to feel drunk and my vision would get blurry. But in the morning I would be absolutely fine. I then told him that the past couple of nights I had switched to taking them literally right before I was going to walk to the bedroom. I would wait until the last possible moment, take my pills, and then go to bed to get some sleep. That way I didn't notice any side effects because I was sleeping and again when I woke up in the morning there were no side effects at all. Apparently it only happens directly after I take them. Once I "sleep it off" I'm fine.

He informed me that he has heard of other people having that issue as well. Obviously he can't tell me they are his patients but that's what I am assuming. But he said if that's all I have to do is to take them last minute and after that I was fine and it stabilized me, he didn't want to mess with it. He wants to keep me on my current medication at the current dosage. Yay! I was very happy.

He did tell me that he wants me to continue to wait until I'm literally going to go lay my head down to sleep. That way I don't run the risk of it possibly deterring me from wanting to take the pills in order to not feel the side effects at all. That's not a good thing.

I told Master all of this once I got home. He seemed extremely relieved, just like I was.

So I figure that as long as I don't take them until about 5 minutes before I go to sleep that I don't have to worry about it. It won't have time to kick in with that whole drunk feeling.

I sure in the hell don't want to take them before we have sex. That would be a horrible thing to kick in the middle of fucking. I would rather have to peel myself off our nice comfy bed afterwards and go take my meds than deal with that. Talk about killing the mood. Holy hell.

Sane(ish)

Well, tomorrow I go to see my shrink. I'm a little nervous about it. Up until two days ago I felt no side effects from upping the dosage on my current medication. But two nights ago I started to get that sensation you get when you have been up way, way too long. Not quite drunk but totally out of it. And I couldn't get my eyes to focus worth a damn. I also felt a little off balance.

As soon as that kicked in, about a half hour after taking them, I went to bed. Which sucked because I had another 45 minutes before my bedtime! (Yes, I have a bedtime.) I never want to go to bed early unless I'm not feeling well. Never.

So last night I took them literally right before I went off to bed. I didn't want to experience that again. And I'll do the same thing tonight.

But the reason why I'm nervous about it is because I'm worried that he'll want to switch the medication I'm on. I don't like that idea. Although, I'd rather completely switch medications rather than being put on two medications. But, if it's something he thinks is best I would have to go with. It's not like I'd have a choice. I mean, I can't put a gun to the guy's head and make him write out a prescription.

Don't get me wrong. I trust my shrink. But the idea of switching to a completely different medication makes me feel anxious. I don't know what that medication is going to do to me. I don't know how I'm going to feel on them. I don't know if they will work. I don't know what kind of side effects it'll cause. Hell, on a medication I was on in addition to my current pills, my sex drive was completely dead.

I'm all for being sane(ish) but I'd like to keep my sex drive thank you very much. I'm only 30 years old for fuck's sake. (No pun intended.) I also don't want to be on something that is going to make me a zombie. I don't want to be on something that will make me Little Miss Sunshine 24/7 either. I'd like to be able to react and actually feel things. The ups and the downs. As long as I don't go completely manic, or into a state of illogical rage, or into that deep pit of depression, I'm happy. Basically I just want to be balanced out, which is what my current medication does.

I'm not about to lie to the man and tell him I've experienced no effects what so ever. He can't help me if I lie. At least I realize I need the help though.

I fought it for a long, long time. I didn't want to admit that I needed medication. But when I did it was like a light bulb went off. And then I was all for it. I started callings places covered by my insurance the very next day. And I'm very glad I did. That was about three years ago now. Close to it anyway. And I must say I feel like a completely different person. I feel like me.

More Tweaking

Not that long ago I posted about how I had called Dr. L and the result of the conversation was having me taking 1 1/2 pills to get me through until our next appointment where we could discuss everything at length.

Today was my appointment with Dr. L. When I got out of work I was hyper, actually a bit more than hyper. I was on the low end of a manic phase. Master picked me up from work. He immediately noticed that I was really active physically and mentally. I was commenting on everything, I couldn't sit still for long. I was talking His ear off.

He took me home and I had about an hour to relax before I had to head back out. I made it to my appointment barely on time. I was taking my normal route when I noticed that traffic was really backed up. I just figured it was busy since it's almost rush hour. But as I inched closed I realized that the street was closed due to an accident. Fuck.

So I make a quick decision to turn left on a road I am not familiar with at all. But I knew that if I just kept going I would eventually hit a road I am familiar with. Eventually I did and turned right. I took that down to another road I knew well and ended up where I needed to be in order to get to me appointment. The appointment was at 3:15pm and I got there at 3:13pm. Not bad for needing to figure out an alternate route at the last minute.

Dr. L called me back and I told him about my very sudden melt down last Sunday night. I told him how it had scared me and it had scared my Husband. I also told him how I was feeling this morning/early afternoon. He asked how I felt right there and then. I told him I felt fidgety. He nodded his head and told me that he is upping my meds to 300 milligrams a day. So I am to take two 150 milligram pills a night. The pills taste nasty as hell, but I don't get any side effects from it what so ever and I like that. And I trust Dr. L a lot. He is the first shrink in my life that I have trusted. I saw a few of them when I was a teen. They never listened to me and only wanted to over medicate me to the point of zombie mode. Dr. L doesn't want to do that.

He did say that I should come back in early August for a check-in. I made the appointment before I left. I also asked him if there was anything my Husband could do to help me through those sudden drops. He said that Master sending me to the bedroom was actually a good idea. (He doesn't know of our dynamic but I told him that Master didn't know what else to do and He was trying to help.) He said that is one way of dealing with the sudden down shift because I feel "safe" in our bed and it was dark. He said the other thing Master could try to do is to hold me tightly and talk softly to try and calm me down.

That may sound odd, but when I get like that if I'm sitting down I pull my knees up to my chest, hold my legs and alternate between rubbing my head or laying my forehead on my knees. So Dr. L said that it may work better if Master is the one holding me tight and either rocking me a little or rub my back or hair. He said that since Master and I have a strong bond and I feel safer when He is around (information I have freely admitted to him because I felt it was important) maybe I'll be able to come out of it quicker if I am basically wrapped up tightly to Him and try to breathe slowly.

I haven't told that part to Master yet because as soon as I got home from the pharmacist I had to run back out, we ate dinner, and then I crashed out on the couch. I'll be telling Him when He gets back. He's currently running to the gas station.

I'm glad that Dr. L told me that. And I'm also glad that he doesn't find it weird that I am so "dependent" on Master. He said it is important that Master is so supportive. He said not all marriages are like that and he's glad I have someone to lean on. Dr. L is awesome.

As far as my meds go if the 300 milligrams don't do the trick he will need to see me a bit more often to see if he should just up the dosage or add another medication in addition to what I am already taking. I'm hoping the 300 is enough. He did say to give it at least a week since it is something that has to build in my system.