Comfort & Support

I had my medication upped not that long ago because I was having issues with being "only" on 225 milligrams. So I was upped to 300 milligrams. And since then I have been feeling great. No episodes of horrible thoughts. No sudden mood swings that make absolutely no sense. I'm back to normal. Well, as normal as I get anyway.

It has been a little over a month since the medication has been increased and it did take a little while for it to balance me out fully. It is one of those medications that has to build up in your system to work, so when I had to increase the dosage that take a little while to fully kick in. Which makes sense since it does have to build up. Thankfully because the drug had already been in my system for years the base was already there, so it didn't take long at all to catch up.

During the time before I realized the lower dosage wasn't working anymore, I told my Husband and my mother about the thoughts I was having. And of course they were concerned and worried. Master watched me like a hawk and my mom was constantly checking in to make sure things were okay and she did call Master while I was at work to make sure that I was telling her the complete truth rather than just telling Master and not her. She's over protective, but hey.. she's my mom. She loves me and she worries about me. So of course she is over protective, as is Master. I'm not mad or upset about it. I understand why they are.

I also know that I am very, very lucky to have them in my life and for them to care about me that much. My brother was also extremely worried and would check in.

Since that has happened, if I seem overly upset the words, "Do you need to up your medication again? upset me a little when it is first asked. I understand why those words are spoken.. I know it was extremely scary for the people I love while I was going through that shit right before my medication was upped. I understand the concern.

But sometimes those words make me feel crazy. As if I can't be very upset without people thinking my medication isn't working. I know that isn't the truth. I know they don't think I am actually crazy. They are just concerned and protective. I am open and honest with my feelings and I was when things started to happen and my medication actually did have to be upped.

I think it's mainly due to the fact that it hasn't been long since the medication was upped. Hell, it was only two months ago for crying out loud.

And no, it's not just Master who says that. My mother does too. And it's not like it's frequent.

It happened on Friday with Master because I had felt like I was going to cry all day and finally did shortly after I got home. The problem is I can't really talk when I'm crying. It's like my throat closes up and when I do try to talk I end up breathing in short bursts because I'm trying to talk. Of course my throat isn't actually closing, it's just how I feel when I cry.

So He asked me that question. At the time I couldn't speak so I just shook my head. When I finally calmed down enough to talk I explained that it's just the work bullshit and my being scared that I'll lose my job before I am able to find a new one. Yes, that feeling mainly happens at work because that is where all those feelings are coming from and I refuse to breakdown at work so it all comes tumbling out when I'm at home.

I was also worried about things that were going to happen yesterday, meaning Saturday. (Things went just fine by the way and it's not something I'm willing to talk about on the blog.) So it was a mixed range of emotions coming from two places in my mind at once.

It also didn't help that I am on the rag so I'm a little emotional anyway. It was a fucked up perfect storm going on in my damn gray matter.

I also don't think it helps that I haven't really broken down sobbing since my medication was upped. I'm sure that is a huge part of where that question came from.

Do not get me wrong. I do not actually get mad when people ask me that question. I deeply appreciate the concern and love that the question is coming from. And after I am done feeling a little crazy just from the fact that people feel the need to ask me that question, that feeling goes away and is replaced with my love for those people when they ask the question. And the comfort of that support overwhelms me in a wonderful way.

I also know that I don't always realize that I am acting certain ways until someone points out the fact that I am not being myself. So they get concerned and the question is because of that. They want to make sure that I know I am in fact acting in certain ways and want to make sure that I know why I am upset rather than just not having a valid reason.

I am not crazy. They don't think I'm crazy. They just know I need to make sure I know what is going on and that I am being completely honest about my feelings rather than leaving them in the dark, which I have been known for doing in the past before my medication fully kicked in. And I'm not talking about when it was upped, as I said I was an open book with that. I am referring to when I was first put on the medication and before it got to the dosage I needed at the time.

Down To One

Now that I've been off the second medication for a while now I'm noticing some differences.

First, I'm noticing that I'm not so tired all the damn time. I feel more rested in the morning and don't feel so sluggish all day. My energy levels are back up, thankfully. I really hated feeling like that but didn't attribute it to the second medication, I thought it was just stress. Well, the stress levels are the same so it must have been the second medication after all.

Second, I would say if anything else I have a fuller range of how I'm feeling. I'm not cycling or anything but I feel more. I don't know if that makes sense. It's almost like rather than helping to balance me out the second medication just put a damper on everything.

Third, my sex drive is back in full force! I am more than elated about that. I've always had a high sex drive but after that second medication was in my system for an extended period of time my interest in sex took a nose dive. Again I chalked it up to stress but as time went on I really did start to think it was the second medication and apparently I was right.

Fourth, I'm actually in better moods. As I said before it was like the second medication was putting a damper on everything. I feel like I'm smiling more and laughing more.

There are other small changes as well... I just can't think of anymore right now.

I think Master is noticing all of this as well. I was worried at first that He would tell me I had to go back onto a second medication because I was acting all fucked up or something. I know that He has an outside point of view and can see things that I don't. As a result I was worried that my initial instinct was wrong and that I really couldn't stay on one medication. But He hasn't said anything like that. I know He is enjoying the fact that my sex drive is back but I also know that if it meant that I was unstable He wouldn't care about the sex drive. He wants me happy and healthy.

I'm just glad that I'm on the right track and that my Husband agrees.

Drugged

As I'm sure most of you know, I'm bipolar. I didn't know until last year. I mean, I've always known something wasn't quite right because of my violent mood swings and illogical reactions to certain things. But I wasn't diagnosed until about September of last year.

The symptoms were getting worse. I had been diagnosed with depression as a teenager, but that didn't explain all the other stuff. Master encouraged me to find help. So I did. It was honestly a hit to my pride in a way, needing help. But when you need it, you need it. There are no two ways about it. I am now medicated. I've been on the medication for about a year now, although the dosage has varied to try and find the one that is right for me. Currently I'm on 225 milligrams. I have an appointment with my shrink coming up so I'm sure that we'll talk about that. He did say the last time I was in that he may want to add a supplemental medication to what I'm currently taking. So, who knows.

It is kind of weird knowing that not only am I on medication, but that I'll need medication for the rest of my life. I'm not sure what would happen if I stopped taking the pills, but I'm sure it wouldn't be pretty. I've never missed a dose. I have an alarm set so I don't forget to take it. I also now have a pill organizer so there is one slot for every day of the week. It's a lot easier with the organizer as I am currently taking 1 1/2 pills. Other wise I wouldn't be at the 225 milligram mark.

I wonder what my shrink will say and/or want to do the next time I see him. I like him. He's a good doctor and is easy to talk to, which helps a lot. It also helps that he's somewhat close to home. I would say a 15 to 20 minute drive at most.

But for some reason today I started to realize that I really do need to be medicated for the rest of my life. Unless somehow they find a cure for bipolar disorder. A lobotomy perhaps? That might work. Then I'll just have to drool on myself and stare at pretty colors all day. Score.

But seriously, it just hit me for some reason. I probably should have been on this medication a lot sooner, but I started taking them at 27 years old. How long will I live? No idea, obviously. But.. probably quite some time yet. Okay, lets say I make it to 75. Then I'll have been on some form of medication for 48 years. By that time I'll have taken roughly 17,280 pills. And that's if I only continue to take one medication.

That's a shit ton of pills. Seriously. I'm not saying I'm going to stop taking my meds. I can't. And I don't want to go back to being as fucked up as I was before hand. Now, I'm crazy lite. I'm not too bad. I still have some bad days, but they are no where near as bad as they were a year and a half ago. Holy fuck.

Why this stuck in my head today, I have no idea. But damn. That's a long time to be medicated.

Side Effects

On Friday my shrink had upped me from 225 milligrams to 300 milligrams due to my concerns. He told me that if I had any problems to call him. (Thankfully he doesn't charge for talking on the phone.)

So I started my 300 milligrams on Friday. That night I took that dosage for the first time. I felt a little funky afterward but I just chalked it up to having had a long week. Saturday again, I just felt a bit funky.

Then comes Sunday. I started to feel it a bit more. I was light-headed and couldn't fully focus my eyes for a while. So I was thinking about it and decided to keep taking that dosage. I figured that it was just because my body was getting used to the dosage. Remember, this is one of those drugs that has to build up in your system. Plus I didn't want to change the dosage without talking to Dr. L first.

But then last night it was a bit... unsettling. In fact I had Master read off the side effects to me. I would have read them myself but I couldn't read it. My eyes were focusing in and out, my depth perception was way off, I wasn't coordinated at all and I was seeing double every now and then.

Master basically said I was acting as if I were drunk. (Never mind I haven't had a drop of alcohol since March.) I'm not a big drinker, so when Master is telling me I'm acting drunk.. that's not good. He said that I was wobbling when I was walking, my speech was slurred, etc. So when Master read off some of the possible side effects it made sense. Double vision was listed, as well as lack of coordination, etc.. I remember having to put my hand on the wall as I was trying to walk to the bedroom.

The odd thing is, it only lasts until I fall asleep. Master woke me up in order to check on me. When He realized I was fine, He used me. And when I got up this morning I felt perfectly normal.

Regardless of those facts I decided to call Dr. L. I told him the side effects I was experiencing. He asked me if I had experienced any side effects from this drug before it was upped to 300 milligrams. I told him that no, I hadn't. So he said to go ahead and go back down to the 225 milligrams. He told me to let that build that up in my system for a few weeks before deciding it wasn't enough. He also told me that if I need to push up our next appointment from the beginning of August to not hesitate to call his office and he'll get me in asap. I promised him that I would. He also told me to have my Husband keep an eye on me and for Him to make sure He told me right away if He noticed anything different. I told Dr. L that Master has the office's number just in case.

So tonight when I got home from work I bought a pill organizer. You know, one of those things that holds your pills for the week. In order to take 225 milligrams currently I have to take one full pill, and then cut another in half and take the half at the same time as the one full pill. Once I got home with the pill organizer I put one full pill into each compartment and then Master cut other pills into halves so I could put them in there as well. This was all Dr. L's suggestion. He said that way I don't just have a bunch of half pills sitting in the regular medicine bottle and accidentally take either not enough or too much. It was a great idea in mine and Master's opinion. I should have thought of it earlier.

Dr. L is awesome. He had only upped it to 300 milligrams because I had expressed that I wasn't sure the 225 milligrams was enough due to a breakdown I had. But then again I hadn't let it build in my system for more than a week and a half. This time I know better. I'll let it build up and then if I feel it isn't enough I'll call Dr. L, make an appointment and he already said that rather than upping my dosage he'll just add a different medication so that the side effects will be little to none.

More Tweaking

Not that long ago I posted about how I had called Dr. L and the result of the conversation was having me taking 1 1/2 pills to get me through until our next appointment where we could discuss everything at length.

Today was my appointment with Dr. L. When I got out of work I was hyper, actually a bit more than hyper. I was on the low end of a manic phase. Master picked me up from work. He immediately noticed that I was really active physically and mentally. I was commenting on everything, I couldn't sit still for long. I was talking His ear off.

He took me home and I had about an hour to relax before I had to head back out. I made it to my appointment barely on time. I was taking my normal route when I noticed that traffic was really backed up. I just figured it was busy since it's almost rush hour. But as I inched closed I realized that the street was closed due to an accident. Fuck.

So I make a quick decision to turn left on a road I am not familiar with at all. But I knew that if I just kept going I would eventually hit a road I am familiar with. Eventually I did and turned right. I took that down to another road I knew well and ended up where I needed to be in order to get to me appointment. The appointment was at 3:15pm and I got there at 3:13pm. Not bad for needing to figure out an alternate route at the last minute.

Dr. L called me back and I told him about my very sudden melt down last Sunday night. I told him how it had scared me and it had scared my Husband. I also told him how I was feeling this morning/early afternoon. He asked how I felt right there and then. I told him I felt fidgety. He nodded his head and told me that he is upping my meds to 300 milligrams a day. So I am to take two 150 milligram pills a night. The pills taste nasty as hell, but I don't get any side effects from it what so ever and I like that. And I trust Dr. L a lot. He is the first shrink in my life that I have trusted. I saw a few of them when I was a teen. They never listened to me and only wanted to over medicate me to the point of zombie mode. Dr. L doesn't want to do that.

He did say that I should come back in early August for a check-in. I made the appointment before I left. I also asked him if there was anything my Husband could do to help me through those sudden drops. He said that Master sending me to the bedroom was actually a good idea. (He doesn't know of our dynamic but I told him that Master didn't know what else to do and He was trying to help.) He said that is one way of dealing with the sudden down shift because I feel "safe" in our bed and it was dark. He said the other thing Master could try to do is to hold me tightly and talk softly to try and calm me down.

That may sound odd, but when I get like that if I'm sitting down I pull my knees up to my chest, hold my legs and alternate between rubbing my head or laying my forehead on my knees. So Dr. L said that it may work better if Master is the one holding me tight and either rocking me a little or rub my back or hair. He said that since Master and I have a strong bond and I feel safer when He is around (information I have freely admitted to him because I felt it was important) maybe I'll be able to come out of it quicker if I am basically wrapped up tightly to Him and try to breathe slowly.

I haven't told that part to Master yet because as soon as I got home from the pharmacist I had to run back out, we ate dinner, and then I crashed out on the couch. I'll be telling Him when He gets back. He's currently running to the gas station.

I'm glad that Dr. L told me that. And I'm also glad that he doesn't find it weird that I am so "dependent" on Master. He said it is important that Master is so supportive. He said not all marriages are like that and he's glad I have someone to lean on. Dr. L is awesome.

As far as my meds go if the 300 milligrams don't do the trick he will need to see me a bit more often to see if he should just up the dosage or add another medication in addition to what I am already taking. I'm hoping the 300 is enough. He did say to give it at least a week since it is something that has to build in my system.