It has been a little over a month since the medication has been increased and it did take a little while for it to balance me out fully. It is one of those medications that has to build up in your system to work, so when I had to increase the dosage that take a little while to fully kick in. Which makes sense since it does have to build up. Thankfully because the drug had already been in my system for years the base was already there, so it didn't take long at all to catch up.
During the time before I realized the lower dosage wasn't working anymore, I told my Husband and my mother about the thoughts I was having. And of course they were concerned and worried. Master watched me like a hawk and my mom was constantly checking in to make sure things were okay and she did call Master while I was at work to make sure that I was telling her the complete truth rather than just telling Master and not her. She's over protective, but hey.. she's my mom. She loves me and she worries about me. So of course she is over protective, as is Master. I'm not mad or upset about it. I understand why they are.
I also know that I am very, very lucky to have them in my life and for them to care about me that much. My brother was also extremely worried and would check in.
Since that has happened, if I seem overly upset the words, "Do you need to up your medication again? upset me a little when it is first asked. I understand why those words are spoken.. I know it was extremely scary for the people I love while I was going through that shit right before my medication was upped. I understand the concern.
But sometimes those words make me feel crazy. As if I can't be very upset without people thinking my medication isn't working. I know that isn't the truth. I know they don't think I am actually crazy. They are just concerned and protective. I am open and honest with my feelings and I was when things started to happen and my medication actually did have to be upped.
I think it's mainly due to the fact that it hasn't been long since the medication was upped. Hell, it was only two months ago for crying out loud.
And no, it's not just Master who says that. My mother does too. And it's not like it's frequent.
It happened on Friday with Master because I had felt like I was going to cry all day and finally did shortly after I got home. The problem is I can't really talk when I'm crying. It's like my throat closes up and when I do try to talk I end up breathing in short bursts because I'm trying to talk. Of course my throat isn't actually closing, it's just how I feel when I cry.
So He asked me that question. At the time I couldn't speak so I just shook my head. When I finally calmed down enough to talk I explained that it's just the work bullshit and my being scared that I'll lose my job before I am able to find a new one. Yes, that feeling mainly happens at work because that is where all those feelings are coming from and I refuse to breakdown at work so it all comes tumbling out when I'm at home.
I was also worried about things that were going to happen yesterday, meaning Saturday. (Things went just fine by the way and it's not something I'm willing to talk about on the blog.) So it was a mixed range of emotions coming from two places in my mind at once.
It also didn't help that I am on the rag so I'm a little emotional anyway. It was a fucked up perfect storm going on in my damn gray matter.
I also don't think it helps that I haven't really broken down sobbing since my medication was upped. I'm sure that is a huge part of where that question came from.
Do not get me wrong. I do not actually get mad when people ask me that question. I deeply appreciate the concern and love that the question is coming from. And after I am done feeling a little crazy just from the fact that people feel the need to ask me that question, that feeling goes away and is replaced with my love for those people when they ask the question. And the comfort of that support overwhelms me in a wonderful way.
I also know that I don't always realize that I am acting certain ways until someone points out the fact that I am not being myself. So they get concerned and the question is because of that. They want to make sure that I know I am in fact acting in certain ways and want to make sure that I know why I am upset rather than just not having a valid reason.
I am not crazy. They don't think I'm crazy. They just know I need to make sure I know what is going on and that I am being completely honest about my feelings rather than leaving them in the dark, which I have been known for doing in the past before my medication fully kicked in. And I'm not talking about when it was upped, as I said I was an open book with that. I am referring to when I was first put on the medication and before it got to the dosage I needed at the time.
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