Scattered Thoughts

My head is all over the place. Sometimes I'm fine and I'm smiling and laughing. Then I just kind of stare off and zone the hell out. Other times I'm just tired and down. I know that part of my being tired isn't because I'm sleeping like shit, waking up at least three hours sooner than I normally do and shoveling a metric fuck ton of snow. Then of course another thing that has been known to make me tired is stress. Not that stress is anything new in my life, because it's not. But I do know that some bad shit in my family may go down if certain things don't go certain ways after the wake. I am in no way looking forward to it. If it goes smoothly I'll honestly be shocked.

The wake is this Friday, which is only two days away. Today I got together the clothes that Master and I will be wearing to it and washed them. The had the obituary in the newspaper today. Something that was written in it rubbed me the wrong way. It goes something along the lines of, "he passed away with his sons at his bedside." This would imply that both of his sons were there. And they weren't. My father stayed home. It rubs me the wrong way because I was there and I know for a fact what happened every minute of that day.

The weather was bad yes it was hard as hell to get there because of our having to dig out the driveway in record time and then drive on streets that were plowed all that well without rushing even though we wanted to get there asap. However, that was part of the excuse my father gave. He couldn't get out. The nurse at the hospital said that they could send a care van to go pick him up. But when my uncle attempted to offer that he didn't answer the phone.

A long while ago my father told me that the next time he would see his father would be in a casket. So while it doesn't surprise me he wasn't there it... upsets me anyway. He allowed his younger brother and two children to endure it but couldn't bring himself to.

But I'm going to let that go for right now. I may throw that at him at a later time depending on things happen and how smoothly they occur. All I know is that I am hoping that everyone behaves themselves at the wake. It would be utterly disrespectful if someone were to start shit. I already promised myself that I will behave regardless and I will either walk away from a situation or say, "Not here. Not now."

They are also having a dinner afterward. I have decided that I am not going. Aside from my immediate family everyone else there will be people who I have not seen since I was a young to mid teenager and are only coming out of a sense of duty. There are really only two people who are coming to town that I want to see. They are my aunt and uncle on my mother's side. They live six hours north of here and they were close to my grandfather because of my father's friendship with my uncle as well as my mother's marriage to my father for so long. I just don't want to deal with a bunch of people going on and on about my grandfather who didn't give a good god damn while he has been ill all of this time. At least not enough to contact anyone and see how he is doing. I'll endure that at the wake for my grandfather's sake. The dinner is not for my grandfather. The dinner is for everyone else. I owe them nothing and I do not wish to be present.

I feel bad for my brother. He couldn't sleep the night it happened. He told me that he couldn't get past the sight of Grandpa passing away in front of his eyes or the sounds he made right before he did. I understand that. He seems okay now but I also haven't really had time to talk to him much since then. He has separated himself a bit and he has been working. I've also been doing as much as possible to stay active which gives my brain less time to focus on what my brother was describing. It honestly doesn't bother me as much as I thought it would. Believe me it's all burned into my gray matter. But I see it more as my witnessing him passing over and not being in pain or suffering anymore. I don't think that's how my brother looks at it.

For some reason the idea of getting a tattoo went through my head today. It's not really odd for me. When something major happens that is usually a thought that crosses my mind although I don't normally immediately start off with a thought as to what I want.

However this time I had the idea of a tree. Originally I thought of the tree of life and death but I do not like any of the actual images that popped up. It wasn't what I had in mind. However, I did come across two other images of tree tattoo flash that I liked.

I really like the one above but the only thing is that it is honestly also an image on one of my favorite TV shows in one particular episode. As a result, to me it would come off more as a fan girl tattoo.

Then there is this one:

I really like this one. It is simple and it has a heart in the middle. I showed this one to Master on my computer and it was a piece of flash that had four images on it. He liked this one but he liked the one next to it more. While it was interesting I thought it was more masculine than I was looking for. There is something about this one. I look at it and for some reason it feels right. As a result, I have a feeling I'll be going with this one. Not that I have the money or will any time soon. Nor am I entirely sure where I want to put it. I am thinking either on my ribs or on my left forearm. All of my tattoos are in places where I can hide them really easily. My forearm would mean that I would have to wear long sleeve shirts regardless of the season should I get a job that doesn't allowed tattoos to be visible. It's doable. I've always wanted a rib tattoo but this seems too small for one. When I've pictured myself getting a rib tattoo it was bigger. I want that particular tattoo flash the size that it is. As I continue to look at it I am falling in love with the design.

Thirteen

I have always said that I'm a tattoo addict. And that is the truth right there. It is something I've been addicted to since the first time I felt the tattoo gun touch my skin. That happened when I was 18. Since I was 13 years old I knew I wanted a tattoo. Of course I couldn't get one back then. I'm almost afraid what the hell I would have ended up with had I been allowed to get one at 13. *laughs*

But in this state you have to be 18 years old to get a tattoo. So, about a month after my 18th birthday I got one. I'm 30 years old now and I regret none of them. I love them all as much as I did when I got them done. My tattoos mean a lot to me. I would feel unfished without them. I would say I have an almost emotional attachment to them. I don't get them just to "look cool".

So in the course of 12 years I've collected 12 tattoos. That's one a year! Or at least it would be if they were actually spaced out that way. But they aren't. Some of them where in bursts.

But I've always promised myself that I would never get more than13 tattoos in total. So, once I hit 13 I am going to stop. Now, granted, I will be getting some touch ups. I got my first tattoo touched up when I got number 12 done. There was a time where I didn't know how to properly take care of tattoos. That would be he first one and the second one. Obviously, the first one is now touched up. So that leaves the second one. Which takes up most of my left calf. I'm not sure how expensive that one is going to be. There are a couple of other pieces that need a little touching up.

I thought about just getting all the touch ups done before I got number 13. But I think, honestly, it would be best to get number 13 first and then get the touch ups. That way, after I get the 13th done, I'll know the experience isn't over yet. I guess it'll kind of be like making sure I know that isn't the end of it all. Not yet anyway.

So now all I have to figure out is how much the 13th one will be, save up, and then get it. That is after I figure out exactly where the hell I'm putting her.

Yes, her. Master found the image for me a while go. Kind of poking fun of me for being bipolar and calling myself crazy. And she is awesome! So what I did was I took her out of the rest of the picture and saved that to our tattoo folder on the computer so I have her all ready to go when I finally go to get it put on my skin.

Here is what I'm talking about:

Isn't she fucking awesome?! I didn't name her or anything. See what I mean though? About poking fun at myself? It's this psycho looking chick in a straight jacket. And the little red butterfly floating next to her only makes it funnier to me. And that is the exact size I want her done. Any smaller and she's not going to look as detailed. Any bigger and I wouldn't like it. Her and her little butterfly friend. I could leave the butterfly out but it just wouldn't seem right to me.

She is sitting down so I kind of feel like she would look better looking like she is sitting on something. Meaning a part of my body. I don't want any kind of border or anything added to make it look like she is sitting on something. I thought about my wrist but it isn't wide enough. She probably will end up floating freely though. Simply because of the size and how skinny all of the places she could "sit" are.

Number 13

As I'm sure 99.9% of you know, I have quite a few tattoos. Currently, I am sitting at 12. I have always said that I want 13. As far as what I want as my last one.. I keep going round and round on that subject. It's like I'll see something that is fucking awesome and would make a killer tattoo, but then I see something else and think that might be better.

This isn't how I normally am with tattoos. In the past, once I've decided.. it's done and over. No other image or flash or design is going to sway me from it. Maybe it's because I'm telling myself that number 13 is the last one. Master keeps calling bullshit on that. He knows I not only love the ink I have, but I love the whole experience of getting ink. I really do think I'll stop at 13 though.

I have always wanted some kind of skull or reaper type tattoo though. I have a morbid side to me. But part of the problem I have with finding a good design is that I don't want it to be too masculine. I know.. how is a skull or reaper tattoo not going to be masculine?

But I'll find something. The icon I'm using on this post crossed my mind as a nice small, not too masculine, type of tattoo I could get. Obviously it would be a finished heart. But I do like to splatter around it. But then I stop and think about it and wonder how faded the actually skull part would be. It would have to be just so it wouldn't take over the heart portion, ya know? So that's a no go.. I like bright, vibrant tattoos. I don't like that faded look, at least not on myself.

Master already has one on His arm. It's a pirate skull. It's bad ass. But it would look absolutely horrible on a chick. This is what I mean when I say I don't want i to be too masculine. I don't want it to look "wrong" on me because I'm a girl.

I did promise myself though that I will the tattoo on my left leg touched up first. When it was fresh I had fallen and as a result the healing process didn't go the way it should have. It doesn't look all jacked up or anything, but it needs to be touched up to look right. So regardless of when I find the design I still with for number 13 I will get that tattoo touch up done first.

Wrist Tattoos

I know that I am addicted to body modification to a degree. I currently have 12 tattoos and three piercings. I wouldn't mind having my eyebrow pierced again but given my job that just isn't going to happen. Also, Master isn't sure if He wants me to have one again, so it's a moot point either way.

Tattoos though? Yeah.. I got my last one not all that long ago and I told myself I want to get to 13 and then stop and focus on touch ups if/when they are needed. I have a few that do need touch ups. One of them needs it because I received bad advice as far as after care and I had fallen down and scraped the hell out of it. This was my second tattoo and as I said didn't get a lot of good advice at the time. I'm so glad that I know better now.

But to get number 13 I have to a) figure out where to put it and b) decide what the hell it'll be.

I've always played with the idea of a wrist tattoo. Depending on what it is they can look fucking awesome and kind of sexy. But I would have to pick out a damn good design and then figure out how to hide it at work.

My current job doesn't give a fuck if your tattoos are showing as long as they aren't offensive. But who knows what the next job's policy will be. I read a thread today about wrist tattoos and people were saying that a person could just wear a bracelet over it or a watch. And of course there was the whole buying tattoo concealer. Plus there is that whole wearing long sleeves at work idea. That would really suck in the summer and sometimes your sleeve rolls back. A few people stated that no one even really notices theirs.

So there are ways around it. But as I said I would need to figure out what it would be. Master likes the idea of my having a wrist tattoo, as long as it's the right design of course.

I think I'll look into designs and go from there. Plus Master needs a touch up before I'll get anything else done. As I said, I got one not that along ago and with getting that new tattoo I got my very first tattoo touched up. It needed it badly.

More Than Love

I'm not sure if some people would guess at this but I enjoy reading Edgar Allan Poe's work. He was a dark romantic, in my mind. His wording can be so beautiful and yet so cryptic at the same time. My favorite poem by him is Annabel Lee. Yes, I created a page simply for that poem. I want to be able to just read it or look at it whenever I want to. What better way than to create a page for it? Plus, some other people may enjoy it as well; or at least I hope some of you do. I'm not sure if I should type a description underneath. Like why I love the poem, what it means to me, some facts regarding the poem and Edgar Allan Poe. I'm just not sure if it would ruin the page. What do you guys think?

This is going to sound weird, but the poem actually makes me think of our marriage, our connections, our love. Master and I have so many different aspects to our relationship that are constantly flowing into one another. It's this endless dance. The friendship, the marriage, the dynamic. It all has to be able to mesh well in order for it to work and so we don't get tripped up one while role we're "supposed" to be in at one point or another. Which is why the line that says "We loved with a love that was more than love" really sticks out to me. Hell, I have one of those mouse pads at work where you can slip a picture into it and what not. What did I do? I printed off that quote and put it in there.

We aren't perfect and it's not like we're never pissed at one another; believe me it does happen. I don't know how much that comes across in my blog, but it's there. Regardless of that we are happily married. We're in it for the long haul.

I know this is going to seem off topic, but it's really not.

Master and I have been watching a lot of LA Ink lately, which has both of us really craving new tattoos. I've decided I still need to rethink exactly how I want the one I've been wanting for 8 years done. It's a very special thing and at first I thought I knew how I wanted it, but now I'm thinking it's going to be too busy, as it's an addition to the first tattoo I ever got. It's not that I'm never going to get it done, it's just that I have to rethink that layout of it.

A few nights ago Master and I were just sitting up talking about tattoos and I was telling Him how I'm rethinking this one and He agreed. Then He said something that I never thought I'd hear.

For some background, we have been talking for a few years now about how we want to get tattoos that represent one another and our commitment to each other. We don't want to just get each other's name. Master doesn't like His full name so I originally thought about just getting His initials but we couldn't figure out how it would look best. Master didn't know how He wanted to represent me either. I mean, we already kind of have matching tattoos. They mean different things but they look very similar. And I also have the word slave in enochian as an arm wrap, but we wanted something more. (Plus we're both addicted to tattoos, so why not.)

Last night He told me that He's actually thinking about getting my portrait done. *insert shocked face here* It's not that I don't find it incredibly sweet and a really big showing of His commitment to me, it's just that He has always said He doesn't really like portrait tattoos. I mean He had really thought this out. He took me over to the computer and showed me a few photos of me that He has in His collection that He had narrowed it down to. He even asked me my opinion on which picture He should use.

I don't know if it'll happen or not. This is the spot that Master has been going back and forth on as far as what He wants to put there; but I still think that the thought itself is sweet.

Well, as we were watching the show tonight a light bulb went off in my head. To represent Him and our marriage as a tattoo, and since I absolutely love that poem and have for a very long time, why not just get that line of the poem done. I just want the words themselves, in a very elegant script, wrapping around my wrist like a ribbon. No actual ribbon or banner, just the words. Like it would begin a few inches off my wrist and wrap around to end at my wrist, with the last "love" to end up on the front of my wrist. I think it's a really different idea, since when I see most tattoos that have script that wraps done they have some kind of banner. I just want the words. Nice, simple, elegant and yet it would represent so much. It would be a conversation piece as well, not only because of the positioning but because I'm sure people would ask what it meant. I could tell them about our marriage, about Him, about the poem and the poet.

I think it would be absolutely wonderful. Although with script I know I'll be super careful because the last thing I need is for something to be misspelled on my body. I'd have to go over it like five times once the stencil was made and I'd have Master look it over. Yes, I'm paranoid enough to do that.

Scratch That Itch

I'm sure most of you know how strapped for cash Master and I normally are. Finances are always extremely tight and so we don't have a lot of "free" money to spoil ourselves with. This month I get two what we call "middle of the month" paychecks. The first paycheck of the month is used to pay rent. After that we have enough for groceries, things we need for the animals and some gas in the car. That's it.

The second paycheck of the month is the one that is used to pay our other bills. Once that is done we can splurge a little bit, but honestly not all that much. Something small, but enough so that we feel a bit of breathing room before the first paycheck of the month again.

This month, as I said, we get two middle of the month paychecks due to how to pay days land. As a result I paid our bills on this one and we spoiled ourselves yesterday by getting a few things we both wanted. That was really nice and it was like a sigh of relief. We spend about $80 on just spoiling ourselves. It felt great. I know that doesn't sound like a lot of money to spoil ourselves with but for us it felt like we had won the jackpot.

And honestly we still have more "free" money to play with. Which is awesome! As a result my brain started ticking away. I'm addicted to tattoos. I have 11 currently and want two more at minimum. And they are both already planned. One is an anklet tattoo. The other is a stylized version of Master's initials. We had tried picking out the placement for the one of His initials before. We finally landed on my right wrist. I wear His cuff on my left wrist. So His initials on my right wrist makes a lot of sense. It'll only be an outline tattoo because I want it to somewhat look like a brand. (I'm not brave enough to actually get a brand done and they normally don't heal the way people hoped they would.)

So since we have more free money I started wondering if I could get it done this month. So I tried calling one tattoo parlor that we used last time. They didn't answer their phone. Since I'm an impatient bitch when it comes to ink I called another place that a lot of people rave about. I've seen their tattoo portfolios online and they do damn good work. Plus this is an extremely simple tattoo it should be great. I talked to a woman on the phone and I explained how I already knew exactly what I wanted and I had it saved on my computer but I don't have a printer. I asked her if I could e-mail it to someone and basically get an over the phone price quote. She said not a problem. So she gave me her e-mail address and I sent it to her. She said simply because it is on the wrist it'll run a little bit more. Placement does effect the price and I already knew that as I've run into it before several times. She also told me it would have to be a bit bigger than I had it so the lines wouldn't be too close together. Again I agreed with her. So she told me it would be $80. Sounded about right to me. Most tattoo parlors minimum price is $50. Since this is a bit bigger and will be on my wrist $80 sounded right to me.

So I did the math. Yes, we could afford it. No, it wouldn't strap us for cash. But they are closed tomorrow and I won't be able to get it during the work week. Next weekend is out. So I talked to Master and He said that maybe on my next paycheck we could get it. So now I'm excited. But if we can't do it I'm not about to go ahead and do it anyway. I'm not that stupid. But I know damn well if I don't get it this month it's going to be quite a while before I'll have that kind of spare cash again. You have to tip after all. So I'm really hoping that I can get it done on my next paycheck. I've wanted His initials done for quite a while now and I know Master wants it done as well. Like I said I really hope it works out this month. If not, I'll be disappointed but there isn't much I could do about it.

Looking Like A Dork

Last night Master and I had incredible sex! Finally!

Last week had really kicked my tail, and so it was the first time we had sex in about a week. I'm hoping that this upcoming week I can keep more of my energy intact so that I won't be falling asleep shortly after I walk in the door.

So yeah. Yay for incredible sex!

It was interesting at first trying to figure out how to do it with both of us having brand new tattoos. But we decided on doggy style, I just reminded Master to not grab my shoulder!

The only sucky part is that normally when we sleep, I lay on my right side and then Master drapes His arm over me. But of course now I can't lay on my right side and Master can't wrap His arm around me. So yeah. That part kinda sucks. But it won't be long before we can go back to our normal habits.

Master has been washing and putting lotion on my tattoo for me. But of course since I'll be at work tomorrow, I'll have to do it myself. I am going to look like an utter dork in the bathroom at work.

I have been wearing my hair in a side ponytail since I got it done. It looks a little 80's-ish but I think it actually kind looks cute on me. I was talking to SS about how tomorrow is going to suck for us both since we'll be going back to work and she said that she had to remember to put her compact mirror in her purse so she could use that to look into the bathroom mirror. I was like "Damn! I was just at the store. I should have bought one of those."

I don't wear foundation, so I do not have a compact. I do have a small eyeshadow case that has a small mirror, so I'm going to try and use that.

But still. I'm going to look like a dork at work if anyone walks into the bathroom. I'm going to be wearing a tank top under whatever top I put on, so ya know.. I don't get sued for sexual harassment or anything.

Today has been a day at home, which I have greatly enjoyed. Master and I have been joking around a lot and flirting. I'm love the fact that we still flirt with one another.

I don't really want to go to work tomorrow. But I have to. I don't have any vacation time or personal time until the end of March, so yeah. Back to work with me. Gotta make that money!

So let's see here... tattoo talk. Check.

Sex talk. Check.

Work talk. Check.

Calling myself a dork. Check.

Yep I think that about covers everything! Now I'm off to enjoy what remains of my three day weekend.