Handmade Collar Part 2 **UPDATED**

Not that long ago I had made myself a collar out of paracord. I loved it. I really did. But it started coming apart. I was still learning with such things and had actually been using a glue gun at the time because it looked better than when I melted the ends with a lighter. Mainly because I continuously burnt the ends to a crisp because I didn't know how to do it better.

But I had a hell of a time putting it on by myself. I think I had made it just a touch too small because
I didn't take the clip itself into consideration. *shrugs* It is a learning process. One I have gotten a hell of a lot better at.

Anyway... it was hard as hell to put on by myself and the ends of it were coming undone because the glue just wasn't a good method to go with. I've since gone back to burning the tips.

Honestly I stopped wearing it because I wasn't sure how to fix it. I thought about making a new one but I didn't know what colors I would like. I could make it exactly the same but I didn't really want to.

But then I found these skull charms and I absolutely had to buy them. No, I didn't put one on a collar. I made a bracelet for Master with it. So He has the black and purple bracelet with an infinity symbol on it and now a black and white bracelet with three skulls on it.

Well, I obviously wanted a bracelet with a skull on it. So I made a red and black one. I absolutely loved how the colors looked together. The red is very vibrant. Red has always been one of my favorite colors. To me it almost looked like a blood red ribbon going through the middle of the bracelet.

That's when I decided that is how I wanted my new collar to look. So I quickly cut out the infinity symbol on my "old" collar to put on my new one. I made it exactly the same as my new bracelet with the skull charm. Black with a blood red stripe going through the middle. The skull on my bracelet matches the one on Master's, except His bracelet has three and I have one. The infinity symbol on my collar matches the one on His other bracelet.

I am able to put this one on by myself without much trouble. It is still tight enough to feel like a collar but not overly tight, like the last one. I'm really glad I did this.

I received a comment on this post asking for a picture of my new collar.

Here you go! *smiles*

Hands On

Master and I fucked last night and it was amazing. I've always been one of those women that absolutely love the whole hands on approach. Pin me down, toss me like a rag doll, force me not to move... *purrs* I enjoy the mental aspect as well but last night is a good example of what I love about the hands on approach. At one point Master had me get on all fours and once He was inside of me He put one of His hands on my hip and His other hand on my neck. He had grabbed my neck in such a way that He had a grip on the front and back of my neck at the same time, while the palm of His hand cupped the side of my neck. His hands are huge and my neck... well... not so much. That's yet another reason why I absolutely love our size difference. He's 6ft4 and I'm 5ft1. I'm petite and He's a walking brick wall.

Today that moment of Him grabbing my neck continued to play on loop in my head. And one thing that it made me wonder is how long it's been since I've had my collar on. Oh how I miss it. So I just did a search on my blog and holy shit! The last day I had it on was January 3rd, 2012. I honestly didn't think it had been that long. Maybe because I can still remember how it felt on my neck. I still remember hooking my fingers under it when I was upset or just absently touching it for no reason what so ever.

I know I don't need it and that I'll never have another one again. The kind of metal I would need to guarantee that I wouldn't have an allergic reaction would be titanium and that is just too expensive. Especially since who knows if my next job will "allow" me to wear it. And I still have my cuff on. Thankfully I don't think any job will make it so I can't wear it. *shrugs*

Plus, now He has more access to my neck. *grins*

And on a completely unrelated topic...

Have you ever looked at your significant other and thought to yourself how physically attracted you are to them? I mean obviously I'm physically attracted to Him. Very much so. I always have been. But there are these moments that happen when I just look over at Him while we're talking and I think, "Holy hell He's hot."

That may sound odd since we've been together for a little over 11 years now. But the other day we were sitting outside on the patio and He had His feet kicked up on the table out there, leaning back in His chair. He had His shades on and His shoulder length hair was still somewhat wet from His shower. It was all brushed back and He was looking slightly off to the side while we were talking. And I just thought to myself how sexy He is.

Like I said I'm always physically attracted to Him but there are these moments that happen and it just smacks me in the face for a split second. I had another one a while back while we were in the car and He was driving. I looked at Him and He was driving with one arm, moving His head to the music. *sigh*

Missing

Sometimes things hit me and they make no damn sense. For instance, aside from the day to day stuff there hasn't been any dynamic related things going on. No kinky or rough sex. No orders out of no where. Just the normal day to day. I'm not complaining, I'm just making a point here.

Yet this morning I woke up and I felt docile. Not like total slave mode in so far as not wanting to joke around. Sometimes when I get really, really docile I basically am pretty serious. Why? I have no idea. So yeah, that happened.

And on top of that I woke up missing my collar. I haven't worn a collar since January 3rd, 2012. Damn I can't believe it was that long ago. We're quickly coming up on two years of no collar and yet this morning I woke up and I missed the hell out of it.

I was even rubbing my neck here and there throughout the day. I miss the weight of it. I miss playing with it when I was nervous or anxious. I miss just idly touching it for no reason at all. I miss Master grabbing it and being able to control my movements with it.

Trust me, He doesn't need to grab onto a collar to physically force me to move. I'm petite and His hands are huge.

Like I said, I don't know why. No clue what so ever.

Sad Realization

I don't know why but an odd and sad thought passed through my mind today. I didn't dwell on it at the time. I just marked it for thought later on for this blog post. I say it's sad because it makes me feel that way when I realized it.

Yes, I'll try to make sense now. Sorry about that. As some of my long time blog readers may remember, or if you've read far enough back in the blog archives you know that before I was medicated I was continuously going through periods of time where I wanted my collar off. I've had several collars over the course of our relationship. But shortly before we got married I had an eternity collar. I loved that collar. I've loved all of my collars, but that one always meant the most to me. I literally could not take it off. It was locked on.

But during my cycles of absolute craziness when my moods would just be all over the place there were times I wanted to rip that collar off and tell Him that that particular portion of our relationship was over. I was convinced that if that collar was gone everything would be fine and everything would be better.

I can't remember how many times I did that. How many times I put Him, put us, through that. And each and every time the very instant that collar was off my neck I would cry. Not just cry. I would sob. As soon as it was off my neck and in His hand I felt lost. It had become a security blanket and now it was gone. What the fuck was I going to do without it? What was I going to do without His status over me?

I didn't know. And it was scary. It wasn't until it was off that I realized that I never wanted to actually do that. That wasn't the problem. Please, please Master put it back. I want it back. I need it back. There were times where He would make me wait and earn it back.

I remember the last time it came off my neck because I asked... no demanded... that it be taken off and I said I didn't want the dynamic anymore. He looked me dead in the eye and told me that if He took it off then He was throwing it away. And I vividly remember saying that I didn't care if He threw it out. I remember how I felt in that exact moment. High and mighty. Completely convinced that this was it. I didn't need it. I didn't want it. Get it the fuck off me. Now.

And He took it off. I refused to look at it. I had my back turned as He went to throw it into the garbage. I heard it go in. I didn't see it but I heard something being thrown in the garbage.

I don't remember how long it took that time. But I remember coming down from my rage and suddenly crashing into sobbing and groveling at His feet to have it back.

Long story short on that one He hadn't thrown it away. He had thrown something else in the garbage to make it sound like He had. He knew I was going to beg for it back. And He put it back on my neck telling me that it was never coming off again. I readily agreed. It was shortly after that when I finally started seeking help and was diagnosed as bipolar and was placed on medication.

From the last time He put that collar on my neck and I've become medicated I have never once asked to be released from His service. I never even thought about taking the collar off. Not once.

Side note: I never thought about ending our relationship or our marriage. It was only the dynamic that I ever went back and forth on.

Then came the day that I had to take my beloved eternity collar off for the last time. It's been over a year now.

I hate my metal allergy. I hated it the most that day.

I was thinking about it today. I had wanted that thing off my neck how many times when I wasn't medicated and now here I am, medicated and stable, and I can never wear it again no matter how much I want to. I want to so very badly.

I don't need it in order to be His slave. I don't need it to prove to anyone that I am His slave. And yes, I still have my wedding ring and my cuff. Not to mention the tattoos.

But my collar is the one thing I went back and forth on and now I'm so much better and I can't wear it. I worked hard to earn my eternity collar. I really did. I went through several stages of collars to reach that one. And I toyed with it as if it didn't matter.

My wedding ring will always mean the most to me. There is absolutely no doubt about it. But that collar came in second. The cuff was third.

The other night Master actually brought up my collar. Or maybe I did. Either way, the subject came up and we admitted that we both miss it. He smiled and said that at least my neck is easier to get to now. He has always loved choking me and biting my neck. And I've always loved Him doing it.

He did say that He had been thinking about getting me something that wouldn't trigger my metal allergy and wouldn't really function as a collar in the same way as that one did, but would put something on my neck.

For a collar to function like that one it has to be a piece of metal that locks on and be worn 24/7. Well, the only way that would ever happen is to buy a titanium one and that is simply out of the question financially speaking.

And yes, I know that I had said we were talking about weaning me off of it prior to it having to come off due to possible job changes. But ya know what? I don't know if that was ever really going to happen. I mean I had gotten my current job and several other jobs while wearing it. So why would it effect it now

*sigh*

He was talking about a fabric choker of some kind. I think those are beautiful, depending on how they are made, but it's simply not the same.

I do want something on my neck again. I just don't know what. Who knows. Maybe my neck will just remain bare.

I really fucking miss my collar.

Tokens

I was reading FetLife earlier today and came across a thread basically asking what you would do with your collar if your relationship ended. It also asked who the collar should go to, the slave or the Master.

I commented on it, naturally.

For me it depends on the situation.

I currently do not wear my collar as it caused my metal allergy to act up and we don't feel the need to replace it. So now I just wear my wedding ring and cuff. Right now that collar, and my past collars, are kept in a safe place. I feel the need and desire to keep them as does Master.

So here are the different scenarios and how I would react to them.

If it was just the dynamic that we were dropping, but we remained married and in love I would keep the collars. To me it would be no different than keeping other things that we have gotten each other over the years or pictures. It happened. We're still together, it's just not something we are doing anymore. So I would want to keep them safe.

If the unthinkable were to happen and we had decided to get a divorce... well first off I would assume that the collar(s) would remain with Him. I'm not sure why but I see it differently than I do a wedding ring. I wouldn't assume He would get the wedding ring back but I would think that with the collar. I'm not really sure how to explain why though. I mean, they are both symbols of a commitment that is no longer held between the two of us, ya know? But as I said, that is how I see it.

Now, if He decided that He didn't want them and that He would rather that I take them with me, I would probably either tell Him to throw them out or I would just throw them out myself. If I'm not with Him, then I do not want them. The same would be true with the wedding ring. I wouldn't keep it. They are both symbols of our commitment to one another and that is now null and void so why would I want to hold onto it?

I know that some people keep their wedding/engagement rings after a divorce but I have never really understood why unless they are family heirlooms. That is about the only time that I can honestly understand it.

If He were to pass away I would keep it all. Every. Single. Piece. I would also continue to wear my wedding ring. I would say the same about the collar, but like I said I can't wear that now anyway.

Retired

Master and I have been talking about "weaning" me off my collar and cuff once I get a ring with His birthstone in it, for work purposes. I have a ring picked out, but now I'm not sure if I can wear it or not. The metal, per the website, is "925-Sterling". I have a nickel allergy, so I'm not 100% sure I can wear it. I'm sure I can call a jewelry store and find out.

But apparently my body had other ideas in regards to weaning me off my collar and cuff. Tonight, shortly after my last blog post, I was sitting on the couch and we were watching Netflix. I was rubbing my shoulder where it meets my neck and I realized that I had a grouping of small bumps that itched. Immediately I started to worry. I know what that means.

Master asked what was wrong so I told Him that I felt a small grouping of pimple like bumps. He also knows what that means.

He told me to show Him. So I knelt in front of His chair and He moved my hair and the collar. Sure as shit it was my nickel allergy acting up. Fuck.

The reason why we bought this collar is because it was stated as hypoallergenic. It's made of stainless steel. I had gone through several leather collars before being "promoted" to the final collar, which is my Eternity Collar.

I can't say that I didn't get a good amount of time out of it. I've been wearing the collar for about 6 years. But now, I can't wear it. Master will not allow it and I completely understand why. If I were to continue to wear it the skin allergy would just get worse and worse. We've been there, done that with previous leather collars that had metal rings on them.

My cuff is also from Eternity Collars. I am having no reaction to that. But then again on the collar it's right where the screw is to take it on and off.  The screw on my cuff never really touches my skin because of how it sits.

As Master took my collar off I started to get emotional. I didn't cry although it felt like I was going to. He reassured me by saying I wasn't being demoted and that I may still wear my cuff. He said that my body just kind of forced the whole weaning process. There is no point in ordering a new one (they have titanium ones) because we'll just receive it in order to wean myself off of it. That's just a waste of money really.

I feel naked without it. I really, really do. When you wear something for that long it feels really weird without it. This also means that tomorrow will be my first full day not wearing it. For some reason I feel anxious about it. It was my security blanket, just as much as my wedding ring is.

Thankfully when we ordered our wedding rings we made sure to get titanium. I don't know how badly I would flip out if suddenly I had to stop wearing my wedding ring.

But like Master said, at least I still have my cuff on. And hopefully sometime in the very near future I can get a ring with His birthstone in it.

My neck feels weird.

P.S. - We are keeping the collar for sentimental reasons, just as we will when the cuff comes off. It's in a nice safe place where I can look at it every now and then.

Master's Job Sucks

Yep, I said it. I swear if we didn't need that paycheck... Gah!

Master's alarms woke me up around 5:30am. I got up and changed the alarms to when I needed to get up. Master got ready for work and woke me to say goodbye before heading out the door.

My alarm went off at 6:30am (the time Master actually started work this morning) and I got ready for work. B picked me up and dropped me off at my job.

Master called me a few times through out the day. You see, He had gone to a job site and once that one was over with, He found out that He had to go to a different one. One that would require Him to be at work rather late.

B had the day off from work today, and was actually not anywhere near town so I was scrambling to find a way home. Thankfully B was able to come and pick me up.

One small problem though. I needed to get rabbit food or the bunnies weren't going to have anything to eat tonight. So Master told me that if B couldn't take me to the pet store, to have him drop me off at Master's work so I could pick up the car. Then when Master got out of work, He would call me and I would drive Him home.

Well it turned out that B was able to take me to the pet store, so that worked out fine.

Once I was home I took care of the animals and then hopped onto the computer and put out a lot of job applications for Master. We both want Him out of that job, because it sucks. No schedule. We can't make plans. We are constantly trying to figure out how I'm going to get home. We don't get that much time together during the week. Master is constantly stressed out because of this job.

I wish He didn't have to work there. I really do. I wish that I made enough where He could just quit and then look for another job. But I don't. I can't support the household by myself. And I feel guilty because of it. It's not that Master makes me feel guilty, or anything of that nature.. I just simply feel guilty. And I hate it.

I'm not kidding when I say we're addicted to one another. Master told me over and over again how much He misses me today. And I told Him the same.

Never mind the fact we just had three days off together. That doesn't matter. We havn't really seen each other today. We need our fix damnit! We're hopeless. Hopeless I tell you!

It must be the weather, but my joints are killing me. My whole body aches. I can only imagine how sore my Husband is. :-(

I miss Him a lot. I was ordered to eat dinner, and then put the rest in the fridge for when He gets home. Due to my blood sugar problems, He didn't want me to wait until He got home in order to eat.

However I was given permission to stay up until He gets home. So yay! I'll get a little time with Him at least.

When I first got in the car with B this morning when he picked me up, one of the first things I said to him was "I got my collar and cuff back!" (He knew why they were removed.)

It felt so good to have them on at work again. I feel naked (in a bad way) without them on. Vulnerable I guess? I don't really know why. I mean I know why I feel naked without them on, but the vulnerable thing? No idea.

Do I think that Master is not protecting me unless they're on? I'd be crazy (shush) to think that. Do I think someone is going to pop out of the shadows saying, "Ah ha! She doesn't have her collar and cuff on any longer! Get her!" ... as if my collar and cuff hold magical powers or something. Neat idea, but no. Weird don't you think?

So now I'm just going to kill time until Master is home.

Collared & Cuffed

Some of you may remember, if you keep tabs on this blog, that Master and I had gone through a brief period of time where we dropped His Domination over me. And then, when I decided that I wanted that back, that I needed that back, He told me that to show how serious I was about it He was taking off me collar and cuff. I then had to earn them back. If not, you can read some of it here.

He told me that He didn't know when I would get them back. And it hurt to have them removed. But I haven't said a word about it. I tried not to even really think about it because I didn't want to become impatient.

Well, tonight after we got back from the movies, I walked into the kitchen and Master grabbed my neck and told me to get undressed and then get the dog situated and He would tell me what to do from there. So I did exactly that.

Once that was done He went into the bedroom and when He walked back into the living room He had the collar and cuff in His hands. He sat down on the computer chair and I knelt in front of Him, nuzzling His hands.

He said, "I remember saying this once before, but I'm going to say it again. Don't make me regret this." I nodded.

Then He said, "These aren't coming off again." I nodded again. He continued by saying, "And if they do, they are going in the garbage. Understood?" Again I nodded.

He started with the cuff. Once that was on my left wrist I moved my hair and He put my collar back on.

I have earned them back.

I am very, very happy.

It has been about a month since they were removed. They were removed on the 26th of April. Today is the 24th of May.

Although this time period has taught me something. Although I find symbols to be very important, (my wedding ring, my collar, my cuff, etc.) they are not necessary. I was just as much His property and following His path without them on as I am with them. However, I am grateful to have them once more.

I have to admit I'm a little surprised at the timing of it. You see, we're seeing His mother tomorrow. And although I was allowed to wear them around His mom, I'm a bit surprised that He put them back on the day before we go to see her. Not that I'm complaining mind you. I'm not that crazy. ;-)

But now I am collared and cuffed once more, and I am elated.

We saw Terminator Salvation tonight. I didn't really care for it, although Master didn't think it was that bad. And earlier today I spent some time at my mother's.

It is almost 10pm. Master says we can stay up a bit late tonight, so that'll be nice.

Well, I'm off to spend some time with Master.

Thank You Master for putting the collar and cuff on me again.