Reset

My fibromyalgia is still acting up. If anything it's a little worse today. But I took a nice hot bath while reading a book. That was rather relaxing and now I have two days to try and get my body to chill the hell out.

It's supposed to be a lot warmer tomorrow, which is great! The down side to this weekend? We have to set the clocks ahead an hour on Sunday. I hate daylight savings. I don't want to give up my hour damnit! It always takes forever and a day for me to get used to that, especially in the morning when my alarm goes off. It always seems like I set it incorrectly and no, it's not possibly time to get up. *sigh* Oh well.

This weekend is, for the most part, going to be relaxing. I'm not sure about how tomorrow evening is going to go.

My mother-in-law invited us over for dinner tomorrow to celebrate my birthday a little late and our anniversary a little early. At least it's a two in one deal so we don't have to worry about trying to make plans with her again in a couple of weeks.

Lately, it's been a 50/50 shot at how it's going to go. Either it's going to be kinda fun and not so bad or it's going to be drama central and we'll leave pissed off. Personally, I'm hoping for the first option.

But like Master said last night, at least it gets it out of the way and we don't have to worry about it for a while. It's kind of sad that that's how we have to look at it. But, that's how it is and probably always will be.

At least His father's side of the family is relaxed and fun to hang out with. We haven't seen them in a little while now. I'm hoping, as the weather gets nicer, that we can plan something with that side of the family that doesn't involve just sitting in a restaurant. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy sitting down and eating and talking but that's all we've really done with that side of the family so far. Mainly because it's difficult to get everyone's schedules to line up. But maybe during the summer it'll be easier to get to see them since we don't necessarily have to go out to eat. We can just visit them at their place or meet up at a park or whatever. I can hope anyway. I enjoy spending time with His father's side of the family. I seem to fit right in with them, much like Master fits right in with my family.

Bloody Hell

I know I've been complaining about work a lot lately and how busy it's been. Well, it just got turned up a notch. Now everyone in the department is swamped. Before it was only a few select people, myself included. Now? It's everyone. And we're all bitching about it. Every single one of us. Especially since our supervisor has either not been in his office, has his office door closed or is in a meeting. I don't think he's really been available for about two weeks now. Yes, we can work without him, obviously, but there are some key things we could really use him for and he just isn't available.

For the past while I've only really had to cut my lunches a little short and clock in early. During the times I'm clocked in I'm busting my ass, but at least I got a small breather on my lunch break.

For the past three days I've taken a whopping 10 minute lunch break.

And as a result of me busting my ass continuously my fibromyalgia is acting up a lot. Thankfully, when I'm at home it slacks off and I can take a hot bath or shower and it helps. But while I'm actually at work everything is tense and I'm in pain.

I used to be on social security for it to be perfectly honest. Granted, that was when I was a teenager and it was mainly to help my parents out with medical bills.

But once I became 19 it all went away. Partially because I stopped going to most of my doctors. They weren't helping at all.

Well, we've been doing trigger point injections and they don't seem to be doing much, so lets do more of them. Into my shoulders. That shit fucking hurt. It was a lot of here take this drug, also take this one. Let's throw in an MRI for fun because we can't figure out what is causing your severe migraines. Nope everything is normal there. Still not sure, but here's a pain killer and we won't look into it any further.

 Never mind physical therapy was helping for a while due to the ultrasounds and massages. They cut that out eventually as it wasn't "helping" it was only "maintaining". What the fuck kind of logic is that? It's not making me better, but it is helping me keep to a lower pain level but that's not enough to warrant physical therapy. However, we can still pop you full of pills that are only masking pain or not touching it at all depending on which one.

They eventually took me off muscle relaxers as well and just gave me more pain pills. Why did they take me off muscle relaxers? Something about worrying about the long term effects. Ya know, cause shit tons of pain pills can't have any.

All of this is how I found out I'm allergic to codeine. That really sucks though because a lot of the pain killers that would probably help me have codeine in them.

I'm sure you can see why I stopped going.

So now I just do what I can and take over the counter pain pills when I just can't cope with it myself. Hot showers and baths help. Master is kind enough to give me shoulder rubs and back rubs. Sometimes I'm too sore for that though, which sucks because it really does help a lot.

Why haven't I sought more treatment since then? Because I know it'll be like it was before. Eventually, if it gets bad enough as I get older, I might go look into some more. But I have a couple of relatives who also have fibromyalgia and they are still going through what I used to before I turned 19. I've been coping without a doctor for 10 years. I'd say I'm doing pretty damn good, with Master's help of course.

On The Look Out

Last night I had a nightmare. It was very short but still scary. I was pulled into the HR office and told that they no longer needed me.

*blinks*

I know it was just a nightmare but it still fucked with me. I don't think that all nightmares or dreams have a deeper meaning. I'm almost positive that dream came about because of all the drama at work due to the audits, meetings and random bullshit. But like I said, it bothered me.

Work went fine although it had these weird feel to it. Probably because of that damn nightmare. I hate it when that shit happens. I really, really do.

So tonight when I got home I went online and started searching for jobs again. So far I have only put out two applications. I'm trying to be as picky as possible. I don't want to just hop jobs in a rush. I want to be able to find a job closer to home or at least on a bus line with pay that is extremely close to if not more than what I currently make. I won't take a temp job or even a temp to hire job. I did that once and while it did work out in my favor, and I was hired on permanently, it still made me really nervous until I was actually hired. I can't be stupid about this. It's like a damn chess game but with a lot more at stake. I hate chess.

If I get an interview I have to make sure I really do want the job. I can't just blow all my personal time/vacation time on interviews that probably won't amount to much or for a job I'm not really all that interested in.

This also means that I'll have to ask more thorough questions if and when I'm called for an interview. Two of the most important ones that come to mind are how much the job pays and what kind of benefits the job offers. I can't really afford to go without insurance again. Mainly because I need to be able to get my bipolar medications. I would hate to think of what I would be like without them after about two years on them. I think it would be worse than before I started taking any medication at all.

I am hoping that if I do get called in for an interview for a job I'm interested in and I ask those questions that they don't answer with "We can discuss all that at the interview."

I've gotten that answer before. And it annoys the hell out of me. But, if the job sounds like something I actually want I would most likely go to the interview anyway, just in case it would work out. In those cases I feel it would be better to at least go and make sure rather than wondering later if I had passed up a really great opportunity.

Blank Out

Going back to work after two days off is always hard. But I really had a great weekend this past weekend and I wasn't ready for it to end yet. But of course, it had to.

I slept great last night after Master gave me my birthday fucking. *smirks* Didn't have much of a choice but to sleep well after that.

The work day just sucked though. It's more of the same and then some. It's just irritating the living hell out of me sometimes. So, what I do in those situations is I just kind of blank out and just do my work. I don't think about anything but what I'm doing that exact moment.

Sometimes I think that's how I hang onto what little sanity I have left. Being able to just blank out and get through it. It's not easy, ya know. I have to be in a certain mindset to be able to do it at all.

But I did and it got me through the last four hours of work.

Work is about the only thing I can do that with though. I wish I could do it during doctor or dentist visits. That would be awesome. I think I'm better at it now than I used to be. Master taught me some breathing techniques to help me with my stress and chronic pain. And since I stress at work, I've just been trying to use those techniques but use them to a point where not only I am not stressed, but I'm just.... there.

Well... I'm 29 Now.

Today is my birthday. I'm 29 years old now. Everyone has been asking if I feel older yet or not. I just laughed and told them to ask me again in 24 hours so it can settle in.

Just for the record, no I don't think I'm old. And I'm also not going to be one of those women who lie about being 29 for the next decade. I've earned my years damnit! Today we didn't do a damn thing. I've just been lazing about the apartment and enjoying it. Last night I was a bit upset though because I ended up starting to crash around midnight. I had wanted to stay up later. But Master assured me that it was okay for me to go to sleep. So I did. When He came to bed He woke me up by playing with my nipples and fingering me. He then got on top of me and forced His way in. As He did so He nipped my ear and said, "Hello birthday girl."

It was about 3am so it was a wonderful way to start my birthday. It was rough, it was wonderful and we were both exhausted after. So we cuddled up and went back to sleep.

I woke up later than I had intended. But thankfully the day has been going by slowly regardless of that fact.

I got a lot of texts and phone calls wishing me a happy birthday. No offense to my dad but I'm honestly surprised he called. My father's memory is horrible. But he remembered. As soon as I said hello he started singing the happy birthday song to me. It made me giggle.

Master has been just letting me do what I want pretty much. He's been allowing me to pick what we watch and all that. It's been really nice. 

I also got myself a couple things from Eden Fantasys for my birthday. I ordered a bottle of Maximus lube. I originally read about it on Love and Chains. I've been looking for a different lube. Hopefully one that will make it easier, on me, during anal sex. We have been using Astroglide and what I had heard at the time was it was one of the best. And yeah, it's better than ones we've bought before and it does help, but it's not really enough in my opinion. Regardless of how much we use.

I also ordered a new book! I had recently bought Carrie's Story. I ate that book up and I loved it! The way it ended though it sounded like there was going to be a sequel but I wasn't sure. You know how some stories end in such a way that it may seem like there is going to be a sequel and it just ends up being a permanent cliff hanger? Yeah, it was that kind of ending to me. So I searched the author name on Eden Fantasys, and ta-da! There is a sequel! So I ordered that and can't wait to read it.

(By the way this is a sponsored post or anything, I'm just really excited about the next book and hoping that the new lube will be what we need.)

Visit With Mom

Today was a great day. We went down to my mother's and visited for a while. Part of the reason we went down there is because tomorrow is my birthday. I'll be 29. And of course a mom wants to see her kid close to his or her birthday. Plus, we like spending time with her.

We sat and shot the shit for a while with her and her husband. They were both really excited because they just bought a car yesterday. I was excited for them too. And of course, since it's my birthday tomorrow Mom wanted to give me something. Never mind she already bought me work clothes at Goodwill not that all long ago. But it's not like she went and bought me anything elaborate. Rather than that she told me she wanted to take us grocery shopping. Hell yes! Saving money on groceries is awesome!

But before we went to the grocery store she had us pull into the gas station and put $20 in our gas tank. Again, fucking awesome!

Trust me, groceries and gas in the car are rocking birthday presents. I'm not being sarcastic in any way, shape or form. I love how practical my mother is. I'll be 29 and she buys me work clothes, groceries and gas. I love her.

I think Master sees why I hardly ever want anything for presents. I prefer practical shit. *laughs* Don't get me wrong I enjoy receiving a gift that isn't practical every now and then but I'm always happy with stuff like I just described above.

Shit Just Got Real

I know I've posted about my job quite a bit lately. And I'm afraid I'm going to be doing so again, but now with the magic twist of my bipolar disorder brought to you by my chemical imbalance!

My medications work wonderfully, believe me. It's like I'm a new person. I'm so glad that I got the help I did. I just wish I would have done so sooner. However, there are things that sometimes "override" my medication. What do I mean by that? What I mean is that sometimes I get those old familiar feelings as I did before the medication. It has to be something big though. Or at least it has to seem big to me. They are few and far between but they do happen.

Today, it happened. Now keep in mind that I said it has to seem big to me.

Lately at my job we have been having audits and things of that nature from our clients. I can't go into all the details but apparently our clients are finding things they don't like. Never mind most of it is through their own design... clients can't be blamed you know. So for the past couple of months every now and then departments will have meetings to give that whole doom's day speech. We have to do better or else.

Now I've never been a fan of using fear to motivate. To me, it just makes people more jumpy or more nervous or they just don't give a fuck.

Today one of those meetings happened and it was heavy. Now, I'm not in fear that the place I work for is going under. Trust me, it's not. But they have to blame someone and so they turn to us, the employees. It can't be a supervisor's fault ya know.

I'm personally getting sick and tired of it. I'm doing my fucking job and I don't appreciate us all being lumped together. I also don't like how some of my coworkers pretty much laugh it off once the meetings are done.

But with the frequency of the audits and doom's day speeches it really is starting to piss me the hell off. Like I said, I know for a fact that the place I work for isn't going under. I can't explain why as that would give way too much away.

When I got home I explained my mood to Master. It wasn't a normal level of pissed off. This was one of those times where I was so pissed off I could feel it in every part of me. I felt hot because I was so pissed. It felt like my eyes were dark as hell and that my skin was too tight. It was that level of pissed off. It was bad.

He completely understood and seemed thankful that I went into it as soon as I got home. He stated that He doesn't like the ever increasing frequency either. He told me that if they do have to start cutting people He highly doubts, as do I, they aren't going to take the time to go through everyone's case loads and see who the actual fuck ups are. They'll pick out the people they know for sure are fucking up at face value. Then it'll go to seniority and how much certain people are making. You know, cutting corners and what not. Now, while I've only been there for about three years and am not one of the fuck ups... I don't like taking chances.

So Master and I agreed that I should start looking for a new job this weekend rather than waiting three weeks to start. It's basically just a little ahead of schedule. At least I was planning on it already and I'm only starting about a month prior to what I was originally going to.

Thankfully I calmed down about an hour after I got home. I'm still annoyed as hell but I'm not at the level of pissed off that I was.