All Work And No Play

Today was extremely draining. Just so much going on! Ugh. So yeah, I'm back into non-entertaining zombie mode. Welcome to a boring blog post brought to you by the letters F, U, C, and K.

Honestly, today just felt like I was moving through fog. I was getting shit done but I didn't feel focused. I feel really spread out right now. I don't really know what's up with me lately. I mean, I know I'm stressed out. Duh. But I don't know why I'm reacting in a way that makes me feel so... dull. Normally when I get home I can just let it run off my back like water and I'm fine. But for on and off for the past month or two it ebbs and flows into this dull sensation of just being a bump on a log.

Like I said before, it's not depression. I think it may have something to do with the fact that the stresses aren't just at work. As you can clearly tell from this post.So I guess it just ends up feeling like I don't have an escape. Ya know?

Stress across the board which means there is no hiding from it. As a result, I'm just shutting myself off every now and then to cope with it.

Whenever I feel like this I think of The Shining. Hence the blog post title. I'm not sure why. I mean I'm not going guano or anything. I'm not about to go find an axe and do a "Here's Johnny!".

My mind works in fucked up ways. As if that's a surprise to anyone. Anyone? No? I didn't think so.

It'll all calm down eventually. It has to. Maybe not all across the board but something will give. Something always gives. I just want to go back to feeling normal. Well, normal for me anyway.

Venting & Sex

I'm glad that I did that long as hell blog post last night. It helped me focus in on what was bothering me. And obviously, it still is bothering me. I mean shit like that doesn't just up and go *poof*. Although I will say that it isn't as bothersome. Now that I know exactly what is bothering me, I'm not wasting time trying to figure that part of it out.

Well, Master made the decision to basically tell BC no. So far. There are still three weeks to go before that date is actually here. Who knows what will happen between now and then. BC may beg and plead for our help or we might have a change of heart on the subject. Who knows.

I know some people think we're horrible friends because we don't want to help him move. But ya know what? We're really not. I mean it may be a shitty thing to not help a friend move. But honestly, it's not like other people don't tell their friends no. After everything I described in my last post, I think we have at least a somewhat good reason to say no.

Like I said, we may change our minds.

Last night's post felt kind of like a purging. I just needed to get it out there even though I didn't know I needed to.

If I had tried to talk about all of that out loud it would have tripped over my tongue and lips so much that I would have gotten extremely frustrated and just given up on trying to get it all out.

This blog has it's uses. They just don't seem to be all that frequent for me right now. I'm so settled in my dynamic position that there is no real need to explore it anymore. I would use it whenever I couldn't figure out what the fuck was going on or why I felt this way or that way about my submission.

So, unless it's venting I'm just not really sure what to blog about anymore. Well venting and writing about amazing fucking sex.

I have an original thought somewhere in this head of mine. I'm pretty sure of that anyway. I guess I just feel that I've covered everything twice, maybe three times, over in the six years I've been blogging. Yeah. I'm back to that line of thought right now.

Flood Warning

Have you ever had one of those days where something seems wrong but you don't know what? By wrong, I mean with how you're feeling. I feel off. Master has commented on it. He's asked me what is wrong. I honestly have no idea. So I thought that maybe rambling on with the blog post for a while may or may not help. Sometimes writing will bring shit to light in my brain. So.. I've got my blog post going and music in my ear buds. Let's see if this helps.

Since my review last week I have felt very off at work. I feel.. nervous I guess. After four years I didn't expect this bullshit. Especially when it's obvious that they are picking every little action apart and expecting me to be 100% all of the time. I'm human mother fucker. And the small stuff I'm behind on is exactly that. Small. I am behind on that so I can keep the important shit on time. You're the ones who lost three people in the department and haven't replaced any of them. Two of them you people fired. So hello... Also? I'm the only one in my entire department who does what I do. Literally. Everyone else works on other shit. You fired the other girl who did the same kind of work I do.

Oh, and another thing that makes me slightly nervous is that since those last two people who got fired from my department I'm not the longest running analyst in that entire department if you don't include my supervisor and trainer.

Everyone else has only been there for a year and a half or less. I can't believe I didn't realize that until just now. Yeah, that makes me nervous too. Maybe they want all fresh blood so they can pay them less. They fired the last two, one quit, and now I feel like I'm being purposefully scared at work in the hopes that I'll quit. Or maybe they are just doing it so I won't make any waves about anything at all, let alone my bullshit raise.

So I've had that gut feeling that I need to get while the going is good. I've been tossing my resume around more and more. So far nothing, but it's only been a week since I've been more than just passively browsing job postings. I know something will come along. I just hope it's sooner rather than later.

It also feels like I'm taking one step forward and being forcefully being knocked back five. It's one thing on top of another lately.

I didn't talk about some of it here on the blog, because I'm slightly embarrassed by it. But fuck it.. who cares.

It started with the car. She needed just under $500 tossed at her because something went wrong with the transmission. That came right after the fact that I took three extra days off work just for the fuck of it. Well, that little fiasco caused me to take another three days off.

After that it was quiet for a little while. Not long. But for a little while. Next came the part I was slightly embarrassed about. One of my teeth completely broke off. It's gone. The tooth was dead so it didn't hurt but it's a blow to the vanity I guess. It's visible. Master reassured me over and over again that it's not obvious and that I'm still beautiful. I know He means it. I know He's not blowing smoke up my ass. And I appreciate that. I really needed to hear that at the time.

Well, there is more time off for the dentist. And to add insult to injury I couldn't get it fixed. My insurance didn't cover enough of it and the cost is just fucking astronomical. So that's on the back burner right now.

Again, it went quiet for a short period of time. Then the car acted up again. I had taken in her for her oil change and they needed to do a quick fix on her because she was leaking power steering fluid all over the damn place.

A little more time off of work. But then the following Monday came around and she just wasn't right. Something was still very wrong. Yep. Sure as shit. The quick fix wasn't enough. New rack and pinnon and both outer tie rods. Not good. Very unsafe actually.

A day and a half off work right there. And almost another $500 plopped into the car.

So. Much. Fun.

So now, I'm only four months into this work anniversary year and I'm already down to five hours of personal time. All of my vacation days are gone. Three of them because I wanted to and the rest were either due to the car or due to my teeth.

Same with the personal time. I'd say only about 10 of those hours were because I wanted to and the rest went to the car and my teeth. The teeth took more than one day because I was trying to find another place that would maybe be cheaper. That didn't happen. So I feel like that time off work was for nothing. I was trying to balance out the vacation days and personal time but it still didn't work out the way I had hoped.

So if I use those last five hours before finding a new job I'll go over again and that means a written warning at work which then means I'm one away from being "terminated" as they like to call it. So hopefully I won't have to use those five hours for interviews, so I land one.

It would be one thing if I had done it all just for the fuck of it. Then I could see where it's my fault. But 80% of it was out of my control. Not that it matters. The result is the same.

All of this and Master and I still have the goal of moving the hell out of here sooner rather than later. It seems to be getting worse here each time they move a new person in. And lately that has been pretty frequent because people keep moving out.

But each time something happens that goal seems farther and farther away. And it's really starting to piss me off.

It pissed me off more when I realized that we are signing a new one year lease with our current landlord this month. We should be getting the renewal agreement in the mail within the next week. We could do a bi-monthly lease but that's an additional $60 a month for rent. Fuck that noise.

Then, last night, Master received an e-mail from BC. You know, the married guy who lives with his parents? Yeah. That one.

Well guess fucking what. They are moving. They want us to help them at the end of this month. Never mind we helped them last time they moved out of his parents house. We did 90% of it because everyone else just wanted to stand there and talk.

Literally less than six months later they moved back in with his parents. Now they are trying it again... a couple of years later.

He's our friend. So I understand why he reached out to us to help him move. But the way the last move went, it ended up leaving a sour taste in my mouth for helping them move anything. Not to mention the fact that I still can't stand his fucking wife.

It also feels like salt being rubbed in the wound of our own end goal of moving. They could do it because they weren't paying rent for two years and could do with their money what they want. 

I know I'm being bitter. And I don't really give a fuck right now. I also know that it's not BC's fault and he doesn't know why I would feel that way. I probably shouldn't feel that way, but I do. Maybe if I could live rent free for a couple of years I would be in a better situation. But I left my parent's house at 17 and have been paying rent and bills since then. So ya know, a 36 year old who only lived outside of his parent's house for a whopping four years all told.. yeah. And that's only if you total them all up. They have been small breaks here and there and before you know it he's right back at home.

Ugh.

So, to make it short but sweet I would say my problem is stress and my mind spinning trying to figure out how to skip that whole being knocked back five paces every time I take one step forward. It's just a lot of juggling in my head.

Need a new job. Need to make sure we keep on top of shit. Pray that the car behaves now. Keep the end goal of moving to Master's home town in sight and reminding myself that it is realistic and obtainable.

The amazing thing is that I don't feel depressed. Yay for bipolar medication. I do feel myself shutting off mentally every so often. It's getting more frequent, but I can still flip the switch back on without any effort. The shut off thing is a defense mechanism so that I don't stress myself out to the point of going down the rabbit hole and having to fight tooth and claw to get myself back out.

My mind is not a fun place to be right now. Like I said, I'm not depressed. I'm not in a rage state of mind. It's just.. dark in there I guess.

Cry me a river, right? Yeah. I know. I keep telling myself that it could all be so much worse. The funny thing is that I didn't even realize all of this until I started typing. Blogging can be therapeutic from time to time. It can also, obviously, help me sort shit out that I didn't even know I was thinking.

That's so fucked up. How are you thinking about something, or multiple somethings, and not even realize what it all is. You just feel that spinning sensation and feel run down. Next thing you know you put pen to paper or fingers to a keyboard and it all floods out.

Family

As I had posted this past Friday, typically I do not like doing things on Sundays simply because it's the day before I have to go to work. But when it's family I'm much more willing to go and/or give in. I try my best to make it for Fridays and Saturdays but it doesn't always work that way. There have been times where either my dad, my mother, or my brother only had Sunday available and I've gone ahead and the visit was always fun.

Today we went down to see His brother. Originally, on Friday, I was a little disappointed about it simply because it was on a Sunday. But I didn't really bitch or anything like that. I really have a good time with His dad's side of the family.

And today was no different. It ended up being the two of us, His brother, his brother's wife, their three kids, His sister and a friend of His brother. It was a cook out and hanging out basically. The men went off and did man stuff and the girls stayed inside and dealt with the kids. That is kind of new to me honestly.

At His mother's if it came time for guys to go off and do guy stuff, I'd follow Master like a lost puppy. I didn't want to be alone with His mother. I never do.

But when it comes to His sister and His brother's wife I am completely comfortable.

It didn't stay that way the entire time. The men went off to cook the food on the grill. Then we were all eating in the living room and talking. And at some point His brother mentioned that he needed to get some branches off of a tree in his front yard so the men went off to do that while I stayed inside with the girls.

It never felt uncomfortable. It was actually a really good time. I truly feel perfectly comfortable around all of them. They are my family. They are my in-laws but I don't treat them any differently then I do my own family. Or at least I don't think I do. I don't feel like I do.

Unlike His mother where I say in-law like it's a bad thing.

We were there for a solid three and a half hours. By that point we needed to get home to take care of the dog and they needed to get their little ones settled in for the night. They are only 4 years old, 20 months old and 2 months old.

I hope we can see them again soon.

No Idea

Today has been one of those days where I really haven't had any ideas about what to do. It's a habit for me actually. When it comes to weekends Master will ask me what I want to do and I say I don't know or I don't care. It drives Him nuts. But honestly I normally can't. Or if I do think of something it's not really feasible financially. So that is honestly part of the problem. I'll think of something and go, "Oh. Nope. Never mind we can't afford that right now."

But that kind of shit happens. *shrugs* Can't be helped. As a result today has just kind of been all over the place. The late morning/early afternoon was just both of us lounging in the living room feeling kind of blah since we both woke up with sinus problems. His were draining and I had a sinus headache. So much fun.

But then as the afternoon went on we were trying to figure out what to do. And neither of us could really think of anything. Finally we just decided to get our errands out of the way. I was originally going to go do them by myself as I didn't think Master wanted to go. So I tossed on jeans and one of His t-shirts and was standing there telling Him which errands I was going to go do and He asked if I wanted Him to come with. I was a little surprised about it. Typically with errands unless it's going to a most of the afternoon thing I just quick run out to do them and He stays home.

Don't get me wrong, I'm glad He went with. I like running errands with Master. It just caught me off guard I guess. It was just three quick stops, but it was nice at the same time if that makes any sense. I really do like it when Master runs errands with me. We talk in the car and kind of goof around while we do the errands. It's better than just me running in and out of stores while bitching at traffic.

Since we got back home it's gone back to the "What do you want to do?" ... "I don't know what do You want to do?"

We did watch a movie though. Master thought it was good, but I'm still not sure whether or not I liked it. Master told me to start my nightly stuff now just to get it out of the way and once the animals are done being taken care of in about a hour we can just chill.

Sunday Hang Up

Today ended up being a little rushed. After work, I called my dad. A couple of days ago he had said he wanted to come up to visit us but wasn't sure if it would be Friday (today) or Sunday. No big deal.

But Master's brother e-mailed Him this afternoon before I got home from work asking if we would like to come down on Sunday. I had already been hoping that my dad would come up today instead simply because normally I prefer having my Sundays to be blank. But now Master's brother wanted to get together. We haven't seen them in a while, and while it's still a Sunday... Oh well.

So I called my dad to try and nail it down and he did end up coming up today. We had a lot of fun and we really didn't do anything at all. We sat in our living room and talked the entire time. He was here for a good three hours or so. We didn't watch anything, we just all sat around and talked. I think it's cool that we can all hang out and not be bored or have awkward silences. We were laughing a lot and just having a good time.

He left around 6pm or so and after that Master and I watched a movie.

By the way, I'm not saying I don't want to go see His brother. I really like His brother and his wife and kids. It's just that whole Sunday hang up I have. I'm glad we're going.

Like I said, I just have a hang up about Sundays. It doesn't matter who the plans or with or why... I just get that ugh feeling at first. But once Sunday hits I'm fine about it. It's weird.

Frustrated

Master suggested that I vent about my job during my blog post. I already vented to Him when I got home. I don't really know how much more venting I want to do, but I'll give it a shot. I had my review today. It was over four months late.

My job is like most others. You don't get any feedback what so ever until your work anniversary comes around and your review happens. It's just how it is, unfortunately. Well, this was for my four year anniversary with the company. And I could not believe how disrespectfully I was treated. It literally sickened me.

The company isn't doing all that hot right now. And as a result, they are picking at anything they can possibly think of. They were bringing up shit that just flabbergasted me. I am a damn good worker. I always give my best.

One of the things I didn't understand was that my supervisor was praising me and then in the same breath started criticizing me about small shit that he tried to make sound all big, bad, and important.

Then, he left the room and I was left with the HR rep. Oh joy. She's a cunt. I ended up getting a long speech about how the company isn't doing too well this year and that we "all need to step up more". Excuse me bitch? I have been busting my ass for this company since day one. And I have stepped up even more since we started letting people go.. Which I didn't even think was possible.

I won't go into all of the details but my raise was significantly less than I was expecting. Yes, I know a lot of people aren't even getting raises.

And honestly, that wasn't the part that severely pissed me off. It was the snarky tone in the HR rep's voice when she was talking to me. Add to that the fact that they have been using scare tactics on all of the employees for the past six to eight months.

It was right before my lunch break so I went out to my car and cried a little bit. Not our of sadness, but out of pure frustration.

I talked with Master and we agreed that I need to get out of there sooner rather than later. I am starting to have that feeling I had right before I jumped ship with my last job. It's a highly uncomfortable feeling. But with any luck, I'll find a new job soon.

I had already been applying here and there, but it was nothing serious. Well, now I'm buckling down. I applied to six jobs tonight. I'll be doing more hunting tomorrow.