Real Life

Master and I had incredible sex this past weekend. It was wonderful. Our sex life seems to be on a down swing unless it's a weekend. I know why. I'm so tired and we're both sore as hell. Other things are going on around us aside from work. There are just a lot of things for us to keep our eyes on that it's hard to focus on one thing for an extended period of time. And so, sex and kink goes on the back burner.

Welcome to real life, right? Right.

It sucks but every day can't be pain, control, and orgasms. Unfortunately. That would be awesome as hell. Nothing but be a slave and a wife all day long while everything works itself out and things go smooth as silk. But that's not how things go. It seems like to older we get (both Him and I) the more we focus on things outside of the dynamic. And it's not like it's on unimportant things. They are extremely important. We're focusing on end goals and how to get ourselves there.

And it's not as if we don't think about the dynamic at all. It's still in place. It's always in place. It's just not at the forefront as much. And honestly, the dynamic is focused on more than the sex. That's not a bad thing really.

He enforces everything. Bedtimes. Rules. Needing permission to do things. You know, the day to day stuff. And the day to day portion of the dynamic is important. I would be lying if I said it wasn't. If that goes the whole tower of cards falls down.

The sex isn't top priority. Sex is important. But life gets in the way. A long day, sore muscles, and a tired mind gets in the way. I know a lot of it is me. I also know that Master's body has been giving Him hell lately too.

But now all of a sudden my migraines are back. I had a bad one yesterday. I've had one sneaking up on me on and off all day today.

One day everything will settle. The end goal will be a reality and maybe, just maybe we can go back to relaxing a little more, breathing a little easier, and be able to be more care free.

I Don't Want To Talk About It

I don't want to talk about it. I really don't. It just seems that it's one thing after the next lately. But.. I guess I should at least give an overall outline of what is going on.

That one tire went out on Tuesday, which sucked ass. I had a used tire slapped on. Well today, another tire fucking died. Master put on the spare. We realized that the other two tires were probably going to die soon as well since they were all put on at the same time, about five years ago. Yes, I know that's old for a tire, which is why they are quitting on me now. I was hoping to have more time to try and scrape up little by little, but they decided not to go with my plan. Those bastards.

So, I am borrowing the money to get them done and will be paying it back in installments. The only problem is that I can't get the money until Saturday. Saturday is the day I have to go into work so we have enough money on the paycheck since I missed out last week Tuesday. So not only would I be going out to work and back on a spare, I would also be going down to pick up the money and come back up to the tire shop to finally get it all squared away. All on Saturday. And since I couldn't make an appointment for Saturday it' going to be a walk in, which means it's going to take forever.

I really wish I could skip out on work Saturday. But if I do that, I'll be missing about 5 hours on the paycheck which is a lot. I have no other way to work and back. I also have no other way of getting to the money and then back to the tire shop. I'm glad I called them ahead of time though because apparently the quote I got from them was wrong. They had selected the wrong tire size on the quote so it's actually more money than I thought. Of course it couldn't have been in my favor and have been cheaper. *sigh*

Yes, I know I said I didn't want to talk about it, but there is the overall picture. I'm tired, I'm stressed and I'm just fed up. Today has been one of those days where I just wanted to curl up into a ball, wrapped up in a blanket and just be. No thoughts, no distractions, simply just... being. It sounds nice. But apparently my weekend is going to be filled to the brim.

Saturday Checklist:

• Get up early and take city streets to work.
• Get caught up on all my work and then some.
• Take city streets home.
• Grab a few things and then take city streets down to my home town to pick up the cash.
• Take city streets back up here to go to the tire shop.
• Sit around and read while waiting for the car to be done.
• Come home on all new tires and then sit the fuck down and relax as much as possible.

Thankfully Sunday there are no plans. But Saturday is going to be busy enough. Fucking hell.

Where is the Map?

Well, another sucky Monday. Oh joy. It wasn't so much just one thing. It was a bunch of little stuff that is piling on top of the other little stuff until it looks like a small mountain.

You know, the kind of small mountain that magically appears over night and you're staring at it going "Where the fuck did that come from?"

And you're standing there wondering that because as it built up little by little, you couldn't really see it getting larger.

Today I feel the stress just building. I'm at one of those spots where you aren't sure which way you should jump. Left? Right? Can someone hand me the damn map please?

Master and I actually hit on this a bit last night before I had to go to bed. We spend our entire childhood wanting to be an adult. "I can do what ever I want because I'll be an adult. And no one can make me do anything I don't want to do!"

So there you are, as a pre-teen, teenager, young adult thinking about how you can listen to the music as loud as you want, you can come and go as you please, no more school... etc.

And then you become an adult. And you notice how the stress levels build and build. No, you don't have to go to school unless you're in college, but you do have to get a job if you want to eat. You can come and go as you please, but you probably want to be sensible so you aren't hungover at work the next morning.

Oh yeah, and you know all that stuff you didn't even think about when you were a teen? Now you get to deal with it all! Here is a fun little list:

1. Rent
2. Utility bills
3. Groceries
4. Clothes
5. Gas in the car
6. Car repairs
7. Health insurance

The list continues. So no, no one can make you do something you don't want to do. But there are things you should do so you have a roof over your head, food in your stomach and clothing on your back. Oh, and all that fun shit you thought of when you were a teen? Yeah, you get to pay for all that too. Just so you know, it really fucking blows when you can only do the necessities.

 So, in closing, if anyone finds that guide to life map or maybe some kind of GPS? Owners manual? Anything of the kind, please let me know. I'll share it, promise.

Worn Down

This week has been kicking my ass. Work has been busy as hell. It feels like I'm knocking one thing out only to have three more things show up on my desk. Meanwhile all my coworkers are standing about talking to each other for an hour at a time, then bitch about how much work they have to do. *sigh*

Then there is all the other stress that is not work related. Finances. Family. Grandpa's health. Blah.

Today I got bitchy due to the stress and took it out on Master. We cut the disagreement short and watch a show on Netflix. I had fully calmed down within about 15 minutes. Once the episode was done I turned to Master and I apologized. I explained why I was stressed and how much this week has been kicking my tail.

He didn't hold it against me, He was calm when He talked to me as well. The medication is working well, but as I've said before I can still react. Today I reacted with anger to the stress. However, it wasn't like it was before I took my medication. Without medication I can hold onto that kind of shit for days. Even the smallest thing, if it hit me the wrong way, would tip me over the edge and I'd be one hell of a bitch for quite some time. Then suddenly I would be fine and then wonder why Master was upset with me.

But today I just lashed out once. I calmed down after the outburst in what I would consider a normal amount of time and I haven't gone back to that aggression since. In fact I've been trying to focus on being calm.

I just feel worn out. I feel worn down. I don't know how else to explain it. I'm not depressed. So at least that much. But I'm not really happy either. That's why I say I just feel worn down. At work I'm just kind of going through the motions and at home I'm trying to relax the best I can. Thankfully Master is trying to help me with that as well. He's a good man and I love Him.

Outcast

Today at work the women in my department threw a baby shower. One of the women in my department is currently 8 months pregnant with her first child. Okay, I get it. Everyone is throwing her a baby shower. I didn't have the spare cash to get her a present, and honestly I wouldn't see the point of it anyway. I don't really know this woman. I have limited interaction with her at work. That's it. So.. why would I buy her a present for her baby shower? I wouldn't. And so I didn't.

My sister-in-law is pregnant. Master and I will be getting her a baby shower present. She's family. That makes sense to me.

But as soon as the baby shower was over, it felt different in the department. I didn't go to the baby shower obviously. I didn't have a present and I didn't really know her. After my lunch break I went back to working but everyone was talking and such. I said congrats to be polite and no one said anything. The woman didn't say thank you and everyone just kind of looked at me like I had a second head suddenly growing out of my shoulder.

It was rude and uncalled for. I had said congrats to this woman before the baby shower and she was polite about it. This time, because I didn't go to the damn thing she wasn't polite. Kind of a "Well you didn't get me a present so.."

Rude. As. Hell.

But the women in my department (honestly there is only one guy in the whole department besides my supervisor) have never really clicked with me nor made the attempt to. Then again I haven't really tried to with them either. But when I'm trying to be nice or joke around a bit because I'm bored they don't seem to want to interact with me very much. It's not like I'm cold or anything. I try to be nice and friendly. But if it's not about work then they don't really want to talk to me unless I'm the only one in the vicinity. It's not just my job though. It's happened most of my life as far as other girls are concerned. I sometimes wonder if that's why I became such a tom boy and why I'm more comfortable hanging out with guys.

Master's male friends I can chill with and joke around. Then there is His one female friend from high school and if her and I are left alone it becomes awkward because it's like we're not sure what to talk about. Same thing happened with Master's god-sister. (We don't talk to her anymore because she's an alcoholic and a very bitchy one at that.) It was fine as long as Master was there. As soon as He left to go to the bathroom or to do whatever all she wanted to do is man bash. I do not man bash. I can bitch and what not, but I don't generalize and I don't "bash". I don't understand man bashing. The women I know think it's fun and perfectly normal. But you flip to the other side of that coin and they get pissed when their husbands or boyfriends do it about them or about women in general. I prefer to be more specific. I bitch about specific people. I may say I don't understand or don't like certain things as a generalization but that doesn't mean I'm bashing it. It just means I don't understand, do not prefer, and/or am not interested in such things.

I don't know. I guess I've always just kind of felt like an outcast. I was never popular. I had my extremely small clique when I was in school and I had my family. That's it. It's just that people didn't seem to want to deal with me or make the effort to know me. As a result I didn't give a fuck.

I think that's one of the things I love about Master. He accepts me. For the good, the bad and the ugly. He understands me and takes me as I am, as fucked up as I am.

As the years have gone by honestly I don't have any friends. I have Master and I have our families. Master still has some friends hanging around but even He doesn't seem to want to deal with them as much. We joke around that slowly but surely we're becoming hermits. I'm not sure how much of a joke that is. Our circle of friends started off at a decent number when I first moved up here. But then for various reasons we no longer associated with certain people. It turned into a domino effect. We're down to I'd say four right now.

1. BC - He is still our friend but he is so wrapped up in his fiance and his job that we haven't seen him in about 6 months even though he only lives 30 minutes away. We have tried getting in touch with him to hang out with little to no response.
2. ST - He lives about an hour away and he is getting on our nerves more and more. He's a good guy. He's can just be annoying as hell. Also, he's not a very good house guest.
3. SS - We still talk to her every now and again. But as with BC she is so wrapped up in her fiance that we haven't seen her in quite some time. 
4. JO - He lives in Florida. We haven't seen him in years, but that's not because we don't want to. We don't have the money to go visit him and he doesn't have the money to come visit us. The last time he was up was shortly after our wedding. He came up to celebrate our marriage as he couldn't be at the wedding itself and to visit his sister to meet his newborn nephew. We both really wish he lived closer. 

 So yeah. That's about it. We're getting to know more of paternal side of Master's family which is awesome! We are talking to His dad, His brother, and two of His three sisters more and more. His mother? Well.. that's the same old story.

On my side my grandfather is pretty much lying to everyone about his health, telling us he's fine even though he still can't pass a stress test. My mother has been very sweet and we're seeing her more often. My father.. well he hasn't improved really. Although, much to my surprise, he called me two days ago to "see if we were alive". We hadn't seen him since.. I want to say February. It's not that we haven't been in town, because we have been. It's just that my dad isn't who he used to be and we hate his girlfriend. HATE.

But I did tell Master the next time we're in my hometown we should probably make an appearance at his house. We'll see how that goes.

Welcome to 2010

Well, it's officially 2010. That looks weird doesn't it? Then again when it turned 2000, that was very odd to look at as well. Now? It's perfectly normal.

Master and I had stayed up until about 1:30am last night (this morning?). When it struck midnight, His watch chimed it in and He told me to come get my kiss. We had been watching Miami Ink, so we weren't really paying attention to the time.

I knelt in front of Him and we kissed and hugged. We said "Happy New Year babe!" and "I love You!" and that was that. Nothing fancy, but I enjoyed it.

Today we just sat around the apartment. We went out to dinner, and that was it. But it's been a nice lazy day.

Tomorrow we are going to meet up with SS. There is talk of us going out to a tattoo parlor just to get prices and what not on what each of us want. SS has no ink yet, so this would be her first. But as Master pointed out, if we do go then we're going to want to get it done. So... who knows.

Aside from that we need to go get me some new socks and a couple of pairs of jeans. Now that my job is allowing them every day, I need some new ones.

Not a lot to talk about besides that. We didn't have sex last night, or at all this past week to be exact, because I've just been so wiped out by the time I get home.

Things have been relaxed here at home, and I appreciate it. Master has been making sure I laugh and smile, and that I have time to just kind of be still so I can unwind from the stresses at work. He's a great Husband and Master. I love Him.

Ringing In The New Year

Well it looks like this will be my last blog post of 2009.

It's kinda weird to think about it that way. It's not like I'm about to blog about anything profound or deep. It's just my daily blog post like any other day. But it's also a closing on another year, another chapter.

Although honestly this past year has felt more like a novel rather than a chapter. Master and I have been through a lot this past year. But we have our health and we have one another.

We've had our ups and our downs. The roller coaster ride included finances, emotions, family, friends, our own personal struggles, as well as the struggles we've gone through as a couple.

Thinking back over the year, 2009 was very difficult. It was better than 2008 but still very much a fight to keep clawing our way back to the top whenever we were knocked down.

We have handled most of it very well, in my opinion. But there are things that I did and said, that I regret. But those regrets are few and our love has always brought us through and made us stronger.

2010 is a mere few hours away from beginning. And I hope that it is more calm and productive than the past couple of years have been.

I worked today, but got out almost an hour early, which was nice. Master and I are staying home tonight, just the two of us. I'm enjoying it so far, and am sure that the rest of the night will be very relaxing and a lot of fun. Just me and my Hubby.

I'm really glad that it's just us tonight. I've been so tired this past week after getting home from work that we haven't had a lot of quality time together. I've pretty much just been zombafied and not wanting to move due to stiffness and pain in my joints.

Although we are mainly doing what we'd normally be doing.. such as watching stuff on the Xbox 360, and dicking around on the computer, it is still just very nice. I'm tired, but not to the point that I want to just curl up and pass out.

So.

On that note I do believe I will cut the post here.

Happy New Year dear readers! May 2010 bring you all happiness.

Life Doesn't Care About Your Plans

Seriously. It doesn't. You can ask anyone!

Around my birthday, I usually do a life assessment. I think everyone does that. Maybe not specifically around their birthday, but everyone does it.

Sometimes things go the way you think they would, and other times they don't.

I am freshly 26 years old. I'm now on the back end of my 20's. Whoopiedodaday. Trust me, I don't think of myself as old or anything along those lines. Not. Even. Close. Plus, if I said I felt old Master would kick my tail.

And hopefully no one is getting the wrong idea from the post title. I'm not depressed or hating my life or anything else. I'm just surprised by some of the things that I thought were going to happen versus what has actually happened.

I don't know if anyone else does this, but when I was growing up I had plans for how my life would turn out. I honestly didn't know what I wanted to do career wise, I just figured that by certain ages, certain things would have occurred. Some of them happened and some of them didn't.

Well I never thought that I would deal with an abusive asshole for as long as I did. Young and stupid. Oh the joy. Of course I am speaking about my ex, may he rot in various levels of hell. So yeah, that wasn't in the plans.

Then my Master came into the picture. I wasn't looking, but there He was. My caveman in shining loincloth. I had never put a lot of thought into marriage until I met Him. Granted I met Him when I was 20, but I wasn't one of those girls who sat in her room imaging what her wedding day was going to be like. But once I met Him I could think of nothing else, I wanted to be His wife. I wanted to have His last name and I never wanted to part from Him. Again not in the plans, but a wonderful surprise that I am eternally grateful for.

He is the one that convinced me to learn more about computers. And it is a damn good thing He did. If He hadn't I would never have gotten the job that I recently left, which was a stepping stone to the job I am starting in two weeks.

I thought, before I got the job I am starting soon, that I was doomed to a life of customer service. Customer service isn't a bad thing, not at all. But I didn't want to do it until I retired, ya know? I take certain things a bit to personally. So when people are sitting there yelling at you, simply because they are pissed off, yeah I didn't take that so well.

And gods people can be fucking assholes. The customer is always right my fucking tail. One thing my last job taught me was that a lot of people do not want to take responcibility for their own fuck ups and want the service that they are using to fix everything and take the hit. Um, fuck you very much.

But all of my job history was nothing but customer service. I had been doing customer service based work since before I was 18. So I figured I would never be able to break away from it, because companies seem to always want you to have experience in the field you are trying to break into. Well, how are you supposed to gain experience if you are never given a shot?

Thankfully my new job let me have that chance to prove myself. Again not in the plans exactly, but another wonderful surprise. Something I would have never accomplished if it wasn't for my Husband. He is the most supportive person in my life, and without Him I wouldn't have become the person that I am today. I wouldn't be a "go getter". He has taught me so much, and pushed me when I didn't think I could do something. Thank you my love, my mate, my Husband.

If it wasn't for Him pushing me and having faith in me, I probably would have stayed in the customer service field and been slowly chipped away at by the fact that I just wanted out of it.

I didn't think we would be down to one car and still living in an apartment at this point. I thought we would have a place that was ours by now, for some reason. But life tosses things at you and you have to deal with them the best you can. Okay yeah, so we're down to one car. We'll fix that eventually. And yeah, we're still in an apartment. But ya know what? At least we still have a roof over our heads. One day we'll have a place to call our own. It'll come in time.

And life will continue to surprise me, and maybe not always in a good way. But as with everything else we've experienced, we will find a way to make things work.

And Then It Was Wednesday

This is one of those weeks where I feel like I'm just going through the paces. Get up. Go to work. Come home. Repeat.

And I have no idea why. I mean each night Master picks me up and we go home and relax. We joke around and we have a good time. But it's like before you know it, it's time to go to bed and repeat the cycle. Some weeks feel like this, while others.. for some unknown reason.. don't.

I think part of it is because work is so damn hectic right now, which is stressful and pissing me off. But hey, that's life.

As Master posted today He hasn't had much energy lately. And I know I've been saying things like, "I miss having sex." ... "Maybe tonight?" .. etc. And it's not like I'm trying to make Him feel bad. I'm honestly not. I guess I'm trying to let Him know that I want Him. That I enjoy and miss being intimate with Him. (And by intimate I don't just mean intercourse..)

But things have been so hectic lately. Our jobs are both really crazy right now. The holidays just got over with. And now it's again like everyone wants to see us at once. Family, friends, etc. This person wants to do this, that person wants to do that.. and then hey! We could all do this! Yay!

Ugh.

I enjoy spending time with our friends and family (usually) and that's great. I know this weekend is probably shot, but I'm hoping that next weekend won't be and Master and I can get some alone time in, for more than just a few hours in a day.

During His four day weekend we didn't get a full day in. On my four day weekend we didn't get a full day in. Bleh.

Okay I'm gonna stop whining now.

Seriously.

And hopefully, my cold sores will be completely gone soon. As it is they are healing pretty damn fast! Yay! I think within a day or two they'll be gone.

On my way home from work Master and I were talking and we had hit a point in the conversation where we were talking about a funny story He had told me about Himself that happened before I met Him. And I pointed out that it had happened before I met Him and we were laughing. Then I stopped and said, "Wow. That's weird to say." So He asked me what. I said, "To say "before I met You." So He asked why.

I said, "Well I've known You for like... 98% of my adult life. And it feels like I've known You forever, but not in a bad way." And He smiled at me.

But it's true. I met Him literally, 2 weeks after my 20th birthday. I'll be 26 this March. And because we know each other so well and we are the way we are, it does feel like I've known Him forever. And I love it. Because I love Him. :-D My goofy, sexy Master. ;-)