Well, it's Wednesday. Normally by this point I'd be happy simply because it was hump day. This week is different though. I have a four day weekend. Monday our office is closed and I took Friday off of work. So, that makes today my Thursday. Although that does get confusing. My brain tricks me sometimes. For a while I thought it really was Thursday. Due to that line of thinking my brain actually tricked me into thinking that my paycheck would hit tomorrow.
But of course my brain was lying to me. My paycheck doesn't hit until two days from now. *sigh*
I can't complain too much. At least it's a short work week. And next week will be too, since the office is closed on Monday. This weekend Master and I don't have a lot planned. We have some errands to run and on Saturday I am going down to visit my mom. Her and I will hang out for a while and do some bumming around before I leave.
I'm now trying to get used to this new dashboard that Blogger has. I like it a lot better than the last format. It's more... crisp I guess is the way to put it. That of course doesn't effect anything that you, the readers, see on my blog. It's just the background stuff. I'm sure I'll still have to play with it a bit to see where everything is and what all has changed.
By the way, why does time go so fucking slowly when you want it to go by quickly? I want it to be Friday damn it! (The real Friday.)
My journey through life, love, submission, & pain. Mature & graphic content.
August 31, 2011
August 30, 2011
Identity
I was flipping through some journal prompts today and I found one that I actually thought would make an interesting post. Normally I only go to the prompts if I have absolutely nothing to talk about. Now, while I do have stuff to talk about it's nothing that I want to talk about. It's nothing horrible. It's just more of the same. And I miss blogging about our dynamic. I really do, but "normal" life creeps in and suddenly takes over my thought pattern and it's hard to focus on the dynamic itself as it is the one thing that has not changed, mean while everything else is.
I feel bad about that. Our dynamic is very important to me, as I know it is for Master as well. So I am doing a post about it damnit! *stomps foot* So there.
The prompt was regarding identity. It is actually several questions in one prompt but I chose the question that was the most interesting to me.
Do you ever fear of losing your own identity or sense of self within your service?
While I could give an incredibly short answer, that's not the point of doing a blog post. So you shall get the longer explanation instead.
I do not fear losing my identity within my service to Master. If anything, it strengthens my sense of self. I was only 20 when I met Master. He plucked me and started shaping me when I was just a young adult. So in a way, you could say that He has shaped my entire adult life. I'm only 28 and I understand that, but when you've just recently turned into a young adult, you're still trying to figure out who you are. You may think you have an idea of who you are, but in all honestly you're still trying to get a grip on it.
Because of that, I would say that I would not be who I am today if I had never met Him. Not to mention the fact that I have many different "identities" or "masks" just by being His and being with Him. Let's just go down the list shall we? (These are in no particular order by the way.)
I don't know if I would have been any of those with anyone else. Most likely not. Until I met Master I didn't ever think about submission. I thought about kinky sex, but not submission. Those are worlds apart, trust me. I also never really thought about marriage. Hell, when I first met Him I told Him that marriage wasn't a big deal to me. Then as time went on I realized that I really did want to be His wife, which is why I asked Him to marry me.
I honestly don't think anyone else besides Him could have "tamed" me. I wasn't a wild child or anything. I was just very stubborn and very much a "Fuck you very much" type person. Well, I still am, but He can pull me short. Especially now that I'm on medication for being bipolar. The looks He gives me are recognized for what they are (warnings) a lot sooner than they use to. The quick sharp tone when He says my name, or my pet name. All of it sinks in quicker and pulls me up short. Sometimes, yes I'll still push my luck but I feel I am doing much better now that I am medicated. Sometimes stress still fucks me up, but I really am trying to be better.
I actually think being His slave has actually given me more character and a better sense of who I am and who I can be.
I feel bad about that. Our dynamic is very important to me, as I know it is for Master as well. So I am doing a post about it damnit! *stomps foot* So there.
The prompt was regarding identity. It is actually several questions in one prompt but I chose the question that was the most interesting to me.
Do you ever fear of losing your own identity or sense of self within your service?
While I could give an incredibly short answer, that's not the point of doing a blog post. So you shall get the longer explanation instead.
I do not fear losing my identity within my service to Master. If anything, it strengthens my sense of self. I was only 20 when I met Master. He plucked me and started shaping me when I was just a young adult. So in a way, you could say that He has shaped my entire adult life. I'm only 28 and I understand that, but when you've just recently turned into a young adult, you're still trying to figure out who you are. You may think you have an idea of who you are, but in all honestly you're still trying to get a grip on it.
Because of that, I would say that I would not be who I am today if I had never met Him. Not to mention the fact that I have many different "identities" or "masks" just by being His and being with Him. Let's just go down the list shall we? (These are in no particular order by the way.)
- Slave
- Wife
- Mate
- Personal Secretary
- Sex Toy
- Best Friend
- Accountant
- Nurse
I don't know if I would have been any of those with anyone else. Most likely not. Until I met Master I didn't ever think about submission. I thought about kinky sex, but not submission. Those are worlds apart, trust me. I also never really thought about marriage. Hell, when I first met Him I told Him that marriage wasn't a big deal to me. Then as time went on I realized that I really did want to be His wife, which is why I asked Him to marry me.
I honestly don't think anyone else besides Him could have "tamed" me. I wasn't a wild child or anything. I was just very stubborn and very much a "Fuck you very much" type person. Well, I still am, but He can pull me short. Especially now that I'm on medication for being bipolar. The looks He gives me are recognized for what they are (warnings) a lot sooner than they use to. The quick sharp tone when He says my name, or my pet name. All of it sinks in quicker and pulls me up short. Sometimes, yes I'll still push my luck but I feel I am doing much better now that I am medicated. Sometimes stress still fucks me up, but I really am trying to be better.
I actually think being His slave has actually given me more character and a better sense of who I am and who I can be.
August 29, 2011
Sleep Is Overrated
Yesterday I had slept in later than I had intended to. That actually happens frequently on the weekend. Not that it's a bad thing. But when it's on a Sunday it makes it really hard to go to bed on time that night.
Last night I had asked Master if I could stay up until 12:30am. He said He would think about it. We watched Netflix and relaxed. I had already taken my shower and done my blog post earlier in the evening to make sure Master and I could just relax. That was nice.
Then midnight rolled around. I was looking at the clock, dreading bed time. I wasn't tired at all. I was wide awake and I hate laying in bed doing nothing but tossing and turning. It just makes it harder to sleep. At least it does for me. But Master had other things in mind. He ordered me to the bedroom and laid down next to me. We fucked and it was great. It started off more gently than usual. Master was on top of me, holding me to Him. We don't do that a lot so I think that's why it means more to me when it does happen.
As we continued of course it got rougher. *smirks* I don't think we've had straight up gentle sex in a long time. I'm not complaining, just merely stating a fact.
When we were done Master allowed me to sit in the living room for a little while. But once the clock went past 1am He told me I had to go to bed. I pouted. I told Him I didn't want to sleep. I wanted to stay up and read. (I recently got a new to me used book.) Master was firm about it though. He told me I had to go to sleep, no questions, no procrastinating. He gave me a hug and a kiss and sent me off to bed.
Sometimes having a bed time really sucks. I know it's for my own good, but when you're not tired and you just want to stay up and read or talk for a while, it's a bit annoying. However, once I got to bed it only took me about a half hour to fall asleep. I honestly thought I would be more tired this morning. But I wasn't. In fact my day went rather well and I'm still not tired. Hell, I didn't even have to catch a second wind of energy. Nope. Just comfortably sailing through the day with out being tired. It's only 8:40pm and I already have taken my shower and am now finishing up my post. Which means that I get more down time with Master before I have to go to bed.
Last night I had asked Master if I could stay up until 12:30am. He said He would think about it. We watched Netflix and relaxed. I had already taken my shower and done my blog post earlier in the evening to make sure Master and I could just relax. That was nice.
Then midnight rolled around. I was looking at the clock, dreading bed time. I wasn't tired at all. I was wide awake and I hate laying in bed doing nothing but tossing and turning. It just makes it harder to sleep. At least it does for me. But Master had other things in mind. He ordered me to the bedroom and laid down next to me. We fucked and it was great. It started off more gently than usual. Master was on top of me, holding me to Him. We don't do that a lot so I think that's why it means more to me when it does happen.
As we continued of course it got rougher. *smirks* I don't think we've had straight up gentle sex in a long time. I'm not complaining, just merely stating a fact.
When we were done Master allowed me to sit in the living room for a little while. But once the clock went past 1am He told me I had to go to bed. I pouted. I told Him I didn't want to sleep. I wanted to stay up and read. (I recently got a new to me used book.) Master was firm about it though. He told me I had to go to sleep, no questions, no procrastinating. He gave me a hug and a kiss and sent me off to bed.
Sometimes having a bed time really sucks. I know it's for my own good, but when you're not tired and you just want to stay up and read or talk for a while, it's a bit annoying. However, once I got to bed it only took me about a half hour to fall asleep. I honestly thought I would be more tired this morning. But I wasn't. In fact my day went rather well and I'm still not tired. Hell, I didn't even have to catch a second wind of energy. Nope. Just comfortably sailing through the day with out being tired. It's only 8:40pm and I already have taken my shower and am now finishing up my post. Which means that I get more down time with Master before I have to go to bed.
August 28, 2011
Ink Craving
When my brother was up here last time he was telling me that he finally wants to get a tattoo. Okay, I know finally seems like a harsh word, he is only 26 years old. But, I started getting ink at 18. I'm now 28 and I have 11 tattoos. So.. yeah. To me it's a late start.
He was saying that he knew what he had in mind and we searched online for something he might like. He found one that he wanted, but he couldn't find the other one. (He has two in mind currently.)
Since that point I hadn't given it much thought. Then a few nights ago he sends me a picture message on my cell phone. He found the other one he wants. I have to admit that it looks pretty kick ass. He had told us that he wants us both there. He knows that whenever one of us goes to get a tattoo the other is there. And since it will be his first he's a bit nervous about it, so he wants his big sister and brother-in-law there for support. No biggie. I'm more than happy to go with. So is Master.
Since that text conversation though I've had ink on my mind. I know exactly what I want next. It's not really a "new" tattoo. It would be a touch up and small extension of one of my existing tattoos. I just want a little something added to ink I already have and have the rest of it touched up while it's getting done. It was my first tattoo. I got it when I was 18. Since it was my first one I didn't exactly take the best care of it. It's not all fucked up or anything. It's a tribal piece and the only way I can describe it is that it has "cracks" in it. Basically when it healed I "helped" the flaking skin come off. That was a dumb idea. So now there are small lines in the tribal where the skin wasn't quite ready to flake off yet.
I don't know how much it will cost. But I really want it done. Badly. And Master has a tattoo He wants touched up as well. So the ideal situation would be that when my brother goes Master and I could get our stuff done too.
There are a few problems with that. One, I have no idea when my brother wants his to be done. He is having me take him to our tattoo parlor so at least I know where. When remains to be seen. Secondly, I don't know when I'll have the money available to do this.
I've thought about just finding the flash I want added to my first tattoo, sending it in an e-mail to the tattoo artist we normally go to and then go there, tell him how I want it done and ask how much that would cost including the touch up. Then see how much the touch up for Master's would be. Total that up plus tip, then I'll know how much I need. I don't think it'll be overly expensive honestly, not for how tattoo prices go anyway. Regardless of that fact Master and I don't have a lot of spare cash just sitting around. So it'll have to be either saved up for or budgeted in for one of the paychecks.
He was saying that he knew what he had in mind and we searched online for something he might like. He found one that he wanted, but he couldn't find the other one. (He has two in mind currently.)
Since that point I hadn't given it much thought. Then a few nights ago he sends me a picture message on my cell phone. He found the other one he wants. I have to admit that it looks pretty kick ass. He had told us that he wants us both there. He knows that whenever one of us goes to get a tattoo the other is there. And since it will be his first he's a bit nervous about it, so he wants his big sister and brother-in-law there for support. No biggie. I'm more than happy to go with. So is Master.
Since that text conversation though I've had ink on my mind. I know exactly what I want next. It's not really a "new" tattoo. It would be a touch up and small extension of one of my existing tattoos. I just want a little something added to ink I already have and have the rest of it touched up while it's getting done. It was my first tattoo. I got it when I was 18. Since it was my first one I didn't exactly take the best care of it. It's not all fucked up or anything. It's a tribal piece and the only way I can describe it is that it has "cracks" in it. Basically when it healed I "helped" the flaking skin come off. That was a dumb idea. So now there are small lines in the tribal where the skin wasn't quite ready to flake off yet.
I don't know how much it will cost. But I really want it done. Badly. And Master has a tattoo He wants touched up as well. So the ideal situation would be that when my brother goes Master and I could get our stuff done too.
There are a few problems with that. One, I have no idea when my brother wants his to be done. He is having me take him to our tattoo parlor so at least I know where. When remains to be seen. Secondly, I don't know when I'll have the money available to do this.
I've thought about just finding the flash I want added to my first tattoo, sending it in an e-mail to the tattoo artist we normally go to and then go there, tell him how I want it done and ask how much that would cost including the touch up. Then see how much the touch up for Master's would be. Total that up plus tip, then I'll know how much I need. I don't think it'll be overly expensive honestly, not for how tattoo prices go anyway. Regardless of that fact Master and I don't have a lot of spare cash just sitting around. So it'll have to be either saved up for or budgeted in for one of the paychecks.
August 27, 2011
A Dare....
Master and I were sitting here and I was asking Him what the hell I should write about. The day has been rather relaxed and lazy. Nothing of interest has happened. Etc. So I kept bugging Master to give me something to write about.
Well we were joking around and I, for some reason, said I should just list a bunch of Lonely Island videos. This was a smart ass comment on my part. However, Master said, "Only if you listen to them first."
My response? "I accept that challenge Sir!"
So.. this is a dare post. I'm sorry it's not all that in depth. But these guys are fucking hilarious. So at least that much.
First: "I Just Had Sex!"
Second: "Jizz In My Pants."
Third: "3-Way (The Golden Rule)"
Fourth: "Threw It On The Ground"
Fifth: "Jack Sparrow"
Sixth: "Boombox"
Well we were joking around and I, for some reason, said I should just list a bunch of Lonely Island videos. This was a smart ass comment on my part. However, Master said, "Only if you listen to them first."
My response? "I accept that challenge Sir!"
So.. this is a dare post. I'm sorry it's not all that in depth. But these guys are fucking hilarious. So at least that much.
First: "I Just Had Sex!"
Second: "Jizz In My Pants."
Third: "3-Way (The Golden Rule)"
Fourth: "Threw It On The Ground"
Fifth: "Jack Sparrow"
Sixth: "Boombox"
August 26, 2011
Finally
I didn't post last night because all I could think to write about was my job. I try not to do that too much. It's not really what I want the blog to be about. It just feels... boring. And I highly doubt any of you really find it all that interesting. I could be wrong.
To make a long story short, yesterday I was working so quickly to try to catch up since I got slammed with work that morning that finally at 4pm after 8 1/2 hours of just doing nothing but busting my tail I had to slow down. My left shoulder was having a muscle spasm. A pretty bad one at that.
Today I came into work with what I wasn't able to finish yesterday and what was piled onto my desk this morning. But, somehow, I knocked it all out and will be walking into a clean slate on Monday.
When I got home from work Master and I had some errands to run. So we quickly knocked those out and I've been pretty lazy since then. My shoulders are screaming at me. I'm a bit irritable because of it. I'm trying not to be and I'm sure in another hour or two my muscles will finally start to relax. As soon as my body realizes it's the weekend the better off I'll be. I know that may sound odd, but I've been so stressed lately that my body is just tense all over, and not in a good way. I have way to much working against me when I'm stressed. My fibromyalgia. My tendency for migraines which, knock on wood, hasn't happened yet. I lost my appetite. That happens when I'm stressed out. Master was lecturing me about that earlier this evening.
He told me I had to eat something and I just really did not want to. But because I'm hypoglycemic I have to eat or I end up worse off. Not good. I ate. It wasn't a lot but at least I ate something.
So now, I'm going to try and get my body to catch up with my brain and remember that the weekend is finally here so I can relax a bit now.
To make a long story short, yesterday I was working so quickly to try to catch up since I got slammed with work that morning that finally at 4pm after 8 1/2 hours of just doing nothing but busting my tail I had to slow down. My left shoulder was having a muscle spasm. A pretty bad one at that.
Today I came into work with what I wasn't able to finish yesterday and what was piled onto my desk this morning. But, somehow, I knocked it all out and will be walking into a clean slate on Monday.
When I got home from work Master and I had some errands to run. So we quickly knocked those out and I've been pretty lazy since then. My shoulders are screaming at me. I'm a bit irritable because of it. I'm trying not to be and I'm sure in another hour or two my muscles will finally start to relax. As soon as my body realizes it's the weekend the better off I'll be. I know that may sound odd, but I've been so stressed lately that my body is just tense all over, and not in a good way. I have way to much working against me when I'm stressed. My fibromyalgia. My tendency for migraines which, knock on wood, hasn't happened yet. I lost my appetite. That happens when I'm stressed out. Master was lecturing me about that earlier this evening.
He told me I had to eat something and I just really did not want to. But because I'm hypoglycemic I have to eat or I end up worse off. Not good. I ate. It wasn't a lot but at least I ate something.
So now, I'm going to try and get my body to catch up with my brain and remember that the weekend is finally here so I can relax a bit now.
August 24, 2011
It's One of Those...
It's one of those journal prompt days.
How do you avoid burnout? How do you speak up if there is too much on your plate?
Well the easiest answers are: "I'm not very good at avoiding a burnout. I do not really speak up when there is too much on my plate unless I absolutely have to."
Wouldn't be much of a post if I ended it there, would it? Yeah. I didn't think so.
Burnout for me can either take almost no time at all and I know that I have too much on my plate right away. As a result I don't keep burning myself out. There is no more need to try and handle it all myself. After that I can relax and feel more comfortable with what I have to do/deal with.
On the other hand there are the times where I just keep going, and going and going.. until I crash about three weeks later and I'm not really sure of the reason. Well, at least not just any one reason.
I can't really seem to avoid getting burned out. At least not very often. Normally I don't even notice there is too much on my plate until I crash and burn. Then I'm like.."Oh yeah. Huh."
I'm not sure why. It may be because I'm a rapid cycling bipolar or maybe it's just because that's how I am. Maybe both. Some people may argue the fact and say that I'm just afraid to ask for help. I'm not. It's just that I am so focused on the shit that needs to get done I don't normally even think to ask for help. I become so focused on the shit inside my head and/or what's in front of me that I get tunnel vision.
There are other times though that it is just so damn obvious that I am overwhelmed with a task/thought pattern I ask for help right away. But I do have to say those are few and far between.
How do you avoid burnout? How do you speak up if there is too much on your plate?
Well the easiest answers are: "I'm not very good at avoiding a burnout. I do not really speak up when there is too much on my plate unless I absolutely have to."
Wouldn't be much of a post if I ended it there, would it? Yeah. I didn't think so.
Burnout for me can either take almost no time at all and I know that I have too much on my plate right away. As a result I don't keep burning myself out. There is no more need to try and handle it all myself. After that I can relax and feel more comfortable with what I have to do/deal with.
On the other hand there are the times where I just keep going, and going and going.. until I crash about three weeks later and I'm not really sure of the reason. Well, at least not just any one reason.
I can't really seem to avoid getting burned out. At least not very often. Normally I don't even notice there is too much on my plate until I crash and burn. Then I'm like.."Oh yeah. Huh."
I'm not sure why. It may be because I'm a rapid cycling bipolar or maybe it's just because that's how I am. Maybe both. Some people may argue the fact and say that I'm just afraid to ask for help. I'm not. It's just that I am so focused on the shit that needs to get done I don't normally even think to ask for help. I become so focused on the shit inside my head and/or what's in front of me that I get tunnel vision.
There are other times though that it is just so damn obvious that I am overwhelmed with a task/thought pattern I ask for help right away. But I do have to say those are few and far between.