Scattered Thoughts

My head is all over the place. Sometimes I'm fine and I'm smiling and laughing. Then I just kind of stare off and zone the hell out. Other times I'm just tired and down. I know that part of my being tired isn't because I'm sleeping like shit, waking up at least three hours sooner than I normally do and shoveling a metric fuck ton of snow. Then of course another thing that has been known to make me tired is stress. Not that stress is anything new in my life, because it's not. But I do know that some bad shit in my family may go down if certain things don't go certain ways after the wake. I am in no way looking forward to it. If it goes smoothly I'll honestly be shocked.

The wake is this Friday, which is only two days away. Today I got together the clothes that Master and I will be wearing to it and washed them. The had the obituary in the newspaper today. Something that was written in it rubbed me the wrong way. It goes something along the lines of, "he passed away with his sons at his bedside." This would imply that both of his sons were there. And they weren't. My father stayed home. It rubs me the wrong way because I was there and I know for a fact what happened every minute of that day.

The weather was bad yes it was hard as hell to get there because of our having to dig out the driveway in record time and then drive on streets that were plowed all that well without rushing even though we wanted to get there asap. However, that was part of the excuse my father gave. He couldn't get out. The nurse at the hospital said that they could send a care van to go pick him up. But when my uncle attempted to offer that he didn't answer the phone.

A long while ago my father told me that the next time he would see his father would be in a casket. So while it doesn't surprise me he wasn't there it... upsets me anyway. He allowed his younger brother and two children to endure it but couldn't bring himself to.

But I'm going to let that go for right now. I may throw that at him at a later time depending on things happen and how smoothly they occur. All I know is that I am hoping that everyone behaves themselves at the wake. It would be utterly disrespectful if someone were to start shit. I already promised myself that I will behave regardless and I will either walk away from a situation or say, "Not here. Not now."

They are also having a dinner afterward. I have decided that I am not going. Aside from my immediate family everyone else there will be people who I have not seen since I was a young to mid teenager and are only coming out of a sense of duty. There are really only two people who are coming to town that I want to see. They are my aunt and uncle on my mother's side. They live six hours north of here and they were close to my grandfather because of my father's friendship with my uncle as well as my mother's marriage to my father for so long. I just don't want to deal with a bunch of people going on and on about my grandfather who didn't give a good god damn while he has been ill all of this time. At least not enough to contact anyone and see how he is doing. I'll endure that at the wake for my grandfather's sake. The dinner is not for my grandfather. The dinner is for everyone else. I owe them nothing and I do not wish to be present.

I feel bad for my brother. He couldn't sleep the night it happened. He told me that he couldn't get past the sight of Grandpa passing away in front of his eyes or the sounds he made right before he did. I understand that. He seems okay now but I also haven't really had time to talk to him much since then. He has separated himself a bit and he has been working. I've also been doing as much as possible to stay active which gives my brain less time to focus on what my brother was describing. It honestly doesn't bother me as much as I thought it would. Believe me it's all burned into my gray matter. But I see it more as my witnessing him passing over and not being in pain or suffering anymore. I don't think that's how my brother looks at it.

For some reason the idea of getting a tattoo went through my head today. It's not really odd for me. When something major happens that is usually a thought that crosses my mind although I don't normally immediately start off with a thought as to what I want.

However this time I had the idea of a tree. Originally I thought of the tree of life and death but I do not like any of the actual images that popped up. It wasn't what I had in mind. However, I did come across two other images of tree tattoo flash that I liked.

I really like the one above but the only thing is that it is honestly also an image on one of my favorite TV shows in one particular episode. As a result, to me it would come off more as a fan girl tattoo.

Then there is this one:

I really like this one. It is simple and it has a heart in the middle. I showed this one to Master on my computer and it was a piece of flash that had four images on it. He liked this one but he liked the one next to it more. While it was interesting I thought it was more masculine than I was looking for. There is something about this one. I look at it and for some reason it feels right. As a result, I have a feeling I'll be going with this one. Not that I have the money or will any time soon. Nor am I entirely sure where I want to put it. I am thinking either on my ribs or on my left forearm. All of my tattoos are in places where I can hide them really easily. My forearm would mean that I would have to wear long sleeve shirts regardless of the season should I get a job that doesn't allowed tattoos to be visible. It's doable. I've always wanted a rib tattoo but this seems too small for one. When I've pictured myself getting a rib tattoo it was bigger. I want that particular tattoo flash the size that it is. As I continue to look at it I am falling in love with the design.

The Wait Is Over

Today was a very, very, very, very long day. I cannot type the word "very" enough. That's how today feels.

Actually it started last night. Sometime after 11pm last night my mother called. The fact that my phone rang at all made me jump. Honestly we were already at my mom's house as we had been down for a visit before the blizzard got back and it just wasn't safe to drive home. However, she called because she didn't want to wake the rest of the house up. Apparently Grandpa's vitals dropped at the nursing home. They couldn't get them to come back up but when they dropped the second time they called the ambulance. We had literally just had a blizzard. In fact the blizzard wasn't even fully over when that call came through. They had said that there was no need for anyone to go because a) it wouldn't be safe for anyone to be out there and as it was the ambulance took 37 minutes to even get to the nursing home let alone getting from there to the hospital and b) they were just going to get him as stable as possible and had the possibility of sending him back to the nursing home.

So of course the rest of the night everyone was on alert. Master and I didn't really sleep. In the morning we all went outside and started shoveling the driveway. (Their driveway is huge.) We were taking small breaks. But then another phone call came in. He was still at the hospital. In fact he was put in ICU and they had already called Grandpa's pastor. Guess what that means? Yep. It's close.

All of a sudden everyone's adrenaline kicked in. And it kicked in hard. Before you knew it the driveway was clear enough to get my mom's car out. My brother was at work. We told him what was up and basically we told him that we would call him once he was gone. He is training to be a manager and he was afraid to call in because of it. I don't blame him. It's a really big deal for him.

We also had two young family members in the house so Master was kind enough to offer to stay there and watch them so that my mother, her husband, and I could go. I love my Husband. He wanted to be there for me but He also knew that someone had to hold the fort down and I appreciated that a lot. It's not that I didn't want Him with me. It was just a fact of the situation.

We met my uncle at the hospital. We got there a little before 11am. My father wasn't there and he wasn't coming. He had made it crystal clear that the next time he saw his father would be when he was in a coffin. He hasn't seen Grandpa since last Memorial Day.

I will say that I am extremely glad that I went to visit Grandpa when I did last week. He recognized me for a little bit during that visit. Today, he barely knew anyone was there.

When we arrived they had already turned off his auto-defibrillator. But they also had him on oxygen. That is against his DNR. So my uncle asked me why he had it on. They basically said they had put it on him shortly after the call from this morning was made in the hopes of keeping him alive at least until we got there. My uncle allowed it to stay on for a little while longer because we were waiting on Grandpa's pastor. At the time we didn't know he had already shown up. Once we knew that my uncle told them to remove the oxygen. They did and they put Grandpa on a morphine drip. A morphine drip that they had to turn up five separate times just so that he wasn't moaning in pain.

We all sat there waiting for him to pass. We figured that with the auto-defibrillator off it wouldn't be long at all. We were wrong. He just laid there with his mouth wide open and his eyes open but only responded at all when a nurse had to move him. He wouldn't really move his eyes around. He didn't talk. In fact I don't think he could talk. All he could do was moan when he was in pain when the morphine wasn't enough and they would have to come in and up it again.

I sent my brother a few texts while we were there to let him know what was going on. He ended up taking off of work one hour early and met us at the hospital. Right before he arrived the nurse came in and asked if we had considered turning off the pace maker. Honestly none of us even knew that was an option. She only brought it up because they honestly thought he would have been gone by now and he was just in more and more pain as the day went on. My uncle asked to speak with the doctor that admitted Grandpa last night. So we waited around and eventually my uncle and the doctor were able to speak. After that conversation my uncle decided it would be best to turn the pacemaker off and allow nature to take it's course.

As a result they brought in a magnet and put it on his chest. That is normally how you turn off a pacemaker. But it didn't work. Why? Because the pacemaker wasn't just a pacemaker. It was a combination of the pacemaker and the auto-defibrillator. While you can turn off each separately it is still one piece.

Then we got to wait around some more. They had to send some kind of technician. That seemed to take forever and a day. When they finally got there they put a sensor over his chest and ran a test. Once that test was done they had to wait for a nurse to come in and sign off for them to turn it off.

Again, that seemed to take forever. The nurse came in and signed off on it. After that we all basically surrounded his bed. I stood next to him and held his hand. I didn't let go once. He flat lined and we thought it was over. But it wasn't. He came back. We were all shocked. Everything was turned off. How is that even possible?! It happened again. We spoke to a nurse and she said that it was completely normal for that to happen after a pacemaker is turned off. Whether that is true or not I have no idea. But that is what happened.

Each time it happened we hoped it was the last. We all continued to tell him that it was okay if he went. We told him that we would all be okay and that Grandma was waiting for him. It wasn't until the third time that it was. I had been holding his hand when he took his last breath. Afterward I let go and I kissed my fingers and then placed those fingers on his forehead. I told him that I loved him and that I was glad he was with Grandma now. He passed away around 7:30pm.

I have never seen someone die before.

Thankfully for him it was peaceful in a way. It was only peaceful in the fact that he took one last breath and then he didn't breathe again. There was no rattle. There was no twitching or anything.

He passed away literally one week before the twenty-first anniversary of Grandma's passing. He has missed her every day since that day. February 9th of 1994. He continuously talked about going to see her every day for the past few years. He passed on February 2nd of 2015.

After everything was done and my uncle said it was okay for us to leave because he was just going to wait for the coroner and then go home. My brother and I rode together and my mother and her husband rode in their car. Before we left I called Master to let Him know that it was over.

I have cried. But I did all of it at the hospital. Since that time I feel... scattered. I would say numb but that's not correct. Just.. scattered. I can't seem to concentrate much. I've been able to make this post because I focus on each key I have to hit in order to type out the words. I have also paused several times to take a small break before going back to it.

Now we just wait to see when the wake will be. I don't even want to begin to think how things will go after that.

I am sore all over. I am literally limping when I walk and I am having a hard time getting up from a sitting position. There was the snow shoveling this morning as well as walking the hospital more times than I care to count. Oh and then there are those chairs they give you to sit in. Those sucked. I know I'm going to be in a lot of pain tomorrow. Hell, I already am.

Guano

Today has flown by. It was boring and nothing really happened at all but it still seemed to have gone by in such a way that every time you looked at the clock you wondered how in the hell it was that late in the day already. For instance right now it is already 8pm. Master even commented on it a little while ago. The only good thing is that I made a little money today by people picking up a couple of orders of paracord.

The shitty thing is that starting late tonight and into early Monday there is supposed to be a fuck ton of snow. At first they were talking about a few inches. But as with all shit regarding weather men their estimates and time frames have been all over the board since then. Now they are saying six to eleven inches. That is a huge window right there. But I know it'll either be that we barely get anything at all, that the storm either hits early or late, or we get a lot more than they said. It's never exactly what they said it would be. Ever.

Master and I have both been blah and just kind of irritable today. I think it may be at least partially due to the weather that is moving in. That may sound stupid but... *shrugs* It has happened before. Especially before a lightning storm. But it has happened before snow or heavy rain.

Nothing has really been going on.

More bullshit with my family. His mother still isn't talking to us. Grandpa is still alive. I still don't have a job.

Hmmm...

Yep. That pretty much sums it up.

Life is just kind of stagnant. It sucks ass but I can't let it get me down too much. If I did I'd go guano.

I would hate to know what I would be like without my medication right now. I'd probably me a puddle of anxiety, depression, and self loathing curled up in the fetal position in a dark corner somewhere.

When I wasn't medicated I could handle things. I mean I would pull away and all that shit. But I could handle things, usually. It wasn't always pretty but I got through it. But with all of this shit going on at one time for a very extended length of time... Yeah.... Not so much.

I'm not always happy go lucky. I am down sometimes yes, but I'm not depressed. Basically at this point if I'm not depressed I'm chalking it up to a win.

I know for a fact there are people out there who aren't bipolar that would have broken in the same situation I'm in right now. I don't know if that says anything, but it's a thought that entered my head.

And no, I'm not putting on a brave face. I know better than that. I know Master would be absolutely livid with me if I tried to hide the fact that I am depressed. But I'm not. Down? Yes sometimes I am. But depressed? No. That's an entirely different animal. Anyone who has ever actually been deeply depressed will tell you the same thing.

I'm glad I'm medicated. Not only because of how it effects myself but also because of how my not being medicated has effected people around me in the past. I say that because when I wasn't medicated I didn't always realize how far out I actually was. I thought I was perfectly normal. I thought nothing was wrong at all. I honestly believed that I was being totally rational. It sucks looking back and actually realizing how bad I was. Not all the time. But enough of it.

Damn Sinuses

I have felt like shit all fucking day. I was fine when I went to bed last night. In fact I was great because I had just gotten laid and had cuddled up to Master in order to go to sleep.

But then this morning I half woke up just enough to realize that my left side was getting stiff so I should probably readjust myself before I drift back off to sleep. But as soon as I did I woke up all the way because my head felt like it had filled itself with snot. I got out of bed and I think I blew my nose about five times before it even began to start feeling better. I took a benadryl and then went back to sleep. It must have knocked me the fuck out though because I didn't wake up again until 11:30am. That is super late. But when I got up Master was still asleep as well. Apparently He had much the same problem I did.

But His sinuses cleared up more than mine did through out the day. Mine had continued to kick my ass even after a second benadryl. I almost never take those because they make me so tired but I would rather be tired than not being able to breathe.

Since I hardly ever take them and I had taken two in less than a twelve hour period it knocked me out and I ended up taking a nap for about an hour and a half. The shitty thing is that I still can't breathe completely out of one nostril and I'm still tried.

I can't catch a break today apparently.

However on a good note I have been getting orders for my paracord. *smiles* They are all local. I did create a website in an attempt to sell them online. But so far nothing. Oh well. At least I'm trying to expand it and if it kicks off it does and I'll be happy about it. If it doesn't? *shrugs* I'll still keep it up to date though, just in case someone stumbles upon it and wants to place an order. No one wants to order from a site that hasn't been updated recently.

I'm also starting to wonder if I should list them on craigslist. I won't do it on ebay. Basically aside from the social network site I'm on I'm looking for other ways to sell, even if it involves shipping. I've been brainstorming but so far the website I made is all I've come up with. I'm sure I'll think of something else. I already made a separate e-mail account for it.

Grandpa

I did something today that I honestly didn't think I would do again. My grandfather has been in a nursing home for quite some time now. In fact he hasn't gone back home since, if I remember right, March of 2014? Almost a year now.

I was visiting him regularly when he was in the hospital, when he was in rehabilitation in the hopes that he could build up some strength, and in the early parts when he was in the nursing home. But once his dementia started to get a lot worse I didn't feel like I could handle it anymore. I stopped going. I was constantly getting updates from my mother and my uncle. All of the news was heart breaking. I think that only furthered my dread of going again.

But today when my mother told me that she was going for the first time in three weeks (she has been pretty sick) for some reason I decided that I wanted to go too. My mother was surprised. Master was surprised. And to be honest I surprised myself.

I think part of why I wanted to go is because I have been so mad at my father for not going and basically not really wanting updates. He has told everyone time and again that the next time he was going to see his father, my grandfather, it would be when he was in a coffin.

I had justified it in my head that that is his father. I'm still technically the child here. I am almost 32 years old, but at the same time I felt/feel that he has more of a responsibility and I guess requirement.

But when I heard my mom say that she was going again that all ran through my head. I don't want the next time I saw my grandfather to be in a coffin. Not when I haven't seen him in so very long. I cried before I left. I was scared.

When we got there though I was fine. Okay I wasn't fine but I wasn't a mess either. I didn't cry. I smiled and talked with him. Honestly I was surprised he was up to talking. He doesn't talk a lot anymore. I had to tell him who I was several times before he recognized me, but honestly I wasn't expecting him to recognize me at all.

He had lunch while we were there. He didn't each much. He had a very, very small glass of chocolate milk that they put vitamins in. He ate chocolate pudding that also has vitamins in it. But he didn't really touch anything else. In fact he ate more imaginary food than anything.

He talked about how his doctor won't let him drive his car or mow his lawn anymore. He told me that he couldn't find his parachute and that the cords were all tangled up. (No idea. He has never been parachuting in his life.) I was very careful in how I answered his questions and I was also very careful not to offer too much assistance. He was struggling a lot with simple things and my first instinct was to help him. But I know that doing such would make him very angry. So I only offered help when it was absolutely necessary. Thankfully he didn't take my head off for it. In fact he was really nice about it.

My mother and I stayed for about a hour and a half. When we were getting ready to leave he was getting tired. I asked if I could give him a hug. He smiled and said my first name and then said, "That's my girl."

He gave me a very light hug. I tried very hard not to put any pressure into it. He is so, so skinny. His shoulder blades are literally jutting out and you can see that even though he has a thick flannel shirt on with a shirt on underneath.

I know that I caught him on a good day. In fact from all of the updates I have received I caught him on an insanely good day, even with the hallucinations. I had prepared myself for so much worse, which is why I was scared before I went.

Is that going to be my last visit? Probably not. Was it really difficult to sit there and hear him talk like that and watch him struggle with the tiniest things? Hell yes. But I am glad that I went. Am I expecting it to be that good next time? Hell no.

Lick It

Two nights ago Master and I did something that we haven't done in I can't tell you how long. Honestly I don't remember the last time it happened. And it wasn't really planned. In fact it started off as something completely different.

I wanted to give Him a blowjob. He wasn't about to turn that down. So I slid in between His legs after He sat up and propped up His back so that He was comfortable and started orally worshiping His cock. Shortly after I started my jaw started to bother me. I have TMJ. I tried to do everything I could think of it get it to relax so I could continue. I stretched my jaw a bit wider, I stopped moving and just held His cock in my mouth while moving my tongue, I even pulled back a few times so I could move my jaw side to side a bit. At one point I had to stop and pull His cock out of my mouth so that I could move my jaw around more.

I continued to stroke His cock and after a few moments I went back to it. My jaw got worse. So I pulled His cock out of my mouth again, turned my head to the side, and started working my jaw in an attempt to get it to pop. No such luck.

Master knew I was having problems. He simply asked if it was because of my jaw. I said yes. I promised Him that I wasn't "trying to get out of it". He said He understood and said we could just fuck. I pouted because I really wanted a shot in the mouth. So I asked if we could fuck until He was close to cumming and then I would go back to sucking His dick.

He didn't really say anything. Instead He just reached down, while I was laying there between His legs, and started stroking His dick. I gently placed my mouth around the head of His dick while He stroked the shaft.

After a little while I could tell that He wasn't able to go any faster with His hand because He would end up basically punching me in the jaw. *laughs* So I moved back a little and just stuck my tongue out so that the head of His dick, while He was stroking it, moved across my tongue. This way He was able to do His thing without worrying about me and I could still apply pressure and saliva. I mainly held my tongue still but I would, from time to time, move my tongue around. I would flick the tip of my tongue across the underside of His cock just below the head. I would swirl my tongue around the head of His dick. But mainly I just held my tongue out and applied as much pressure as I could.

It was an interesting sensation. He seemed to be enjoying it greatly. As soon as I knew He was just about ready to cum I waited until His hand had moved further towards the base of His cock and then took my mouth and basically swallowed half of His dick while swirling my tongue around it. I think that must have triggered it because I barely blinked by the time His load started to go down my throat.

As we were ready to curl up to go to bed I was wound up. I was horny as hell. I told Master as much. He chuckled and said, "Well I guess you'll just have to wait because I'm going to sleep." I smirked and cuddled up close to Him. I drifted off to sleep shortly there after.

Lip Service

Master had a talk with me last night. He told me that our dynamic has fallen to the way side. He told me that basically all I am doing is playing lip service to my station. He told me that He understands that I am under a fuck ton of stress due to family shit alone. Then you add the other shit that is going on on top of that and it just makes it worse. He wasn't loud or angry. He was extremely calm while telling me all of this.

I did not get upset. By that I mean I didn't break down crying or start yelling. I knew that He wasn't saying it to hurt me or anything along those lines. And I have to agree with Him. I'm in no way, shape, or form doing it on purpose. I'm not wanting to back out of the dynamic like I have said I wanted to in the past before I was medicated.

I also knew He was right.

While it was happening I didn't see it that way. Or I should say that I didn't really realize how far off the path it had gone. He hadn't brought it up sooner because of everything else going on and not wanting to stress me out further.

I really appreciate that, I truly do. I also appreciate that He is being so understanding. However, I did tell Him that I am glad He brought it up and that our relationship and dynamic are not part of the cluster fuck of things that are actually stressing me the hell out.

I'm glad that He brought it up.

I have been feeling down lately. Not because I need to up my meds or anything, but because everything seems to be closing in and becoming closer to being a reality. As soon as my grandfather is at peace the reality of what is actually going to happen with my father and the rest of the family is going to hit full force. It's not going to be slow. In fact I have a feeling that it will happen right after the wake, if not before.

But none of this excuses the way I have allowed things to slip on my end. I'm sure some of it is to be expected. I'm not perfect. And I'm not saying He expects me to be perfect. After all He has waited this long to bring it up to me. He has been patient.

I've just had my mind locked onto everything else so closely that I didn't realize what I was not paying enough attention to.

I'm going to try to refocus. It's not easy and He understands that. But I can try harder than I have been that's for sure. It'll also probably help me relax a bit rather than being so wound up all the time waiting for that final shoe to drop.