Changes

Well, after a lot of searching and a lot of frustration I finally found a new blog layout that I love. Master was picking on me about it. While I was looking for a new theme and trying to figure it all out He was picking on me about the fact that I just can't leave things alone once I get it stuck in my head.

He wasn't being mean about it or anything. He just knows that I'm a nerd and I'm weird about my blog. So when I'd find a theme I thought I would like and then uploaded it here either a) it didn't work correctly or b) I ended up not liking it at all. And so I would go back to the drawing board so to speak. With all the back and forth and how frustrated I was getting Master was just trying to make me smile.

However, today I found a new theme that I love and works correctly! *gasp* Master loves it as well. He says it's a lot better than my last theme. I have to agree with Him. Since my move here to Blogger this is the third theme I've used. The first one I thought I really liked. Then I noticed that the background color was not consistent. I didn't notice it for a while, but once I did I saw it every fucking time I looked at it and it drove me insane. So I was in a bit of a rush to find a new one. That's when I found the Fantastic Flowers theme and I liked it but after a while it just wasn't slick enough for me. This theme? It is slick, it's dark, it's organized and I am so fucking happy! Master says I have to leave the theme alone now.

Which is fine by me! This is perfect.

I think Master is just happy that I'm not driving Him crazy about my blog theme. I'm not kidding you I would sit there searching for a new theme for hours. I would complain about it when I wasn't searching. Yeah, I'm pretty sure I was driving my Husband up a wall about it. But it's done now. I'm happy, He's happy, it's all good.

Last night Master wasn't feeling the greatest and my head was throbbing so I ended up going to bed earlier than usual. Tonight though thankfully my head is feeling better and Master is feeling better as well. So tonight after the animals are taken care of Master wants me to dress up for Him. He told me to surprise Him so that should be interesting. Hopefully I can figure out something that is a bit out of the ordinary (like a mix and match) that will please Him.

Long Relationships

Today at work I heard the other women who sit around me talking, as usual, when they should be working since our department was so slammed. I continued to work but couldn't help but hear what they were discussing.

The newest girl was complaining about how she isn't madly in love with her boyfriend anymore. She was saying how they have been together for 5 years and now there isn't that "rush" anymore. That newly in love feeling. She said that because of that lack of a rush she feels like it's time to leave. Time to find a new man so she can feel it all over again.

Hell of a way to look at it. She was complaining that she feels more like his friend now rather than his girlfriend. While I can understand that the rush is no longer there, is that actually a valid reason for wanting to leave?

Master and I have been together for 8 1/2 years now and while that constant rush is no longer there, I still feel it. I am deeply in love with my Husband and I am glad that we are still friends. We can sit around and talk bullshit like two friends and we can still be the kind, loving, happily married couple. Now throw in our dynamic and there are quite a few things going on all at the same time. I don't know if that helps keep our relationship "fresh" or not. Either way, I'm happy.

I couldn't imagine going back on the dating scene. In fact the thought of it kind of disgusts me. Master has said much the same. I just can't see how just because you've been with someone for "x" amount of time it warrants leaving them so you can get that rush back. She fully admitted that she still loved him and was still in love with him, just that the rush of a new love wasn't there.

As I said I am deeply in love with my Husband. Even though we have been together for so long there are times where that rush still hits me. I find that the longer we are together the happier I am. There is strength in the time we've spent together, which only gets stronger as more time passes. I am more comfortable, I love the fact that He knows me. Not just the me that some people know, but He knows who I really am. He knows my likes, dislikes, my fears, my dark secrets, my fantasies... the list continues.

In my opinion, no new "love" can compare to that.

Last Day

This has been a wonderful four day weekend. When it first started it felt like it was going to last forever. It was so relaxing. As the days went by I just smiled to myself because I knew I had more time off than normal. But since today is the last day it hit me that I actually have to go back to work tomorrow.

*sad face*

But the extra time with Master is something I really needed. I come home to Him every night and I get every weekend with Him, but at the same time it feels like most of our time together is kind of rushed. I only have two days off a week so we have to slam everything into it. During the work week I just want to stay home. So most of the errands get done on the weekend minus the ones Master did during the week. Plus there are other people who want to see us as well. It's not every weekend but still.

So since this was an extended weekend I took one day out of it to go visit family. The other three days were focused on Master and myself. It was wonderful. Master has been making full use of me. The sex has been rough and frequent. *grins* In fact I'm sore as hell and very submissive lately when it comes to sex. I'd rather be used than get off. Weird right? Yeah, I think so to. Although Master is not minding it one bit. *giggles*

This may sound silly, but normally when I'm at home and on the couch I sit with a pillow in front of me. I just find it comfortable. I kind of hug it to myself. Today Master snatched the pillow from me and had me sit there naked. It took a while to get use to it, since it is pretty much my automatic reaction to grab the damn pillow. So He had to snatch the pillow from me a few times. After that if I grabbed it again when I sat down He just gave me a look and I moved the pillow.

Well, I have to go take my bath and do my exercises before I relax for the rest of the night with Master. For the past few days I've put them off until later in the evening because I knew that Master would let me stay up until early in the morning. Since I have to work tomorrow I know that He won't allow me to stay up to late. I slept in really late today though, so I have a feeling that falling asleep at a half way decent hour is going to be a bitch and a half.

Support

Well, the fixation has bled into today. I was hoping that it wouldn't. But as soon as Master and I were done doing what we were doing and I asked if I could go nerd out, I went right back to trying to find a new theme for the blog. I found one I really liked but it doesn't work right on Blogger. And I couldn't tweak it so that it would. That annoyed the hell out of me. At that point I stopped looking. I'm hoping it'll just be something I do when I'm bored and when I find the right one I'll stop.

I also searched for bipolar online support groups. I found a set of forums that I think will be really helpful. I don't want to do chat rooms. Nope. Not gonna do it. Forums are more comfortable to me. I haven't taken a deep look into the one I signed up for, but I'm sure I will sooner rather than later.

It still bothers me that I am getting so frustrated with this whole theme thing. In fact it's not helped my mood this evening. So, I'm going to just relax for a moment or two looking at the forums. Then, I'm going to have some quality time with my Master.

Fixated

I've noticed that I get very focused sometimes. I become fixated to the point of it drives me nuts. Obsession or becoming fixated on something is part of bipolar disorder. Right now I'm obsessed with getting a new theme for this blog. Now it's not even really about that damn search box. Now it's about me wanting something fresher, newer, sleeker than this current theme.

This theme I have now is dark and I love that, but it's not very slick. It's actually pretty basic as far as the majority of the layout.

I sat here at the computer last night for, I kid you not, two and a half hours looking for a new template. I had thought I found I few I would like. I uploaded them and didn't like them or couldn't get them to work with. Sometimes it was both. Today? Well today I was nice and relaxed about it. At least I started out nice and relaxed about it.

But then, as I was flipping through page after page after page of Blogger themes and couldn't find one I really had to have I became frustrated. I would go so far as to say that I actually got pissed about it. Imagine that. Pissed off over a finding a fucking theme for my blog. Never mind my blog is perfectly functional. It merely doesn't look the way I want it to. That's it. I can still blog. I can still look at the blog and be..... accepting? I guess that's the right word. I can accept how it looks. I just don't love how it looks. I'm not increibly proud of it at this moment. Again, that may sound weird as hell. I want to be proud of what my blog looks like. Now while I could probably design one myself and be fine there is one small problem with that. And it's not the coding part. I could code it just fine. It's the fact that I don't have a paint shop type program. I have the typical paint application that all Windows operating systems have, but nothing where I could really play with images and graphics. Well, not in a way where it wouldn't look professional enough for me. I'm not a professional graphic designer, but I know I could do a lot more with a regular paint shop program.

Those are expensive though and the ones that aren't I don't want to trust on my computer. I'm paranoid that way.

Sometimes being bipolar makes me feel like I'm bat shit crazy. My medication works wonders but there are some things that still happen (although at a lesser degree) that makes me feel nuts. It's not because they are severe. It is simply that I notice them and I know the cause of it. When I didn't know the cause of it I didn't feel crazy. In fact I really didn't even realize what I was doing or how I was reacting to certain stimuli and/or situations. I thought I was being logical at the time. But now that I know better, so to speak, it really bothers me. But there isn't a damn thing I can do about it. I don't want to be so drugged up that I'm just happy all the time. I honestly believe that the medication I'm on is wonderful. I'm on the generic version of Lamictal, which is Lamotrigine.

I'm thinking I should look into bipolar forums. This way I can interact with other people who are bipolar, and if I have a question I can share it with others and know their experiences. It is one thing to talk to my shrink, Dr. L, about it. It's another to talk with others who are affected by this disorder. I'm sure Master would think it was a good idea. I hadn't really thought about it until I was writing this post.

I think I'll look into it more either later on tonight or tomorrow during the day. Right now I just don't want to think. I just want to lay on the couch and just chat with Master about what ever pops into our heads or watch a movie. Something to distract me from this fixation I have right now with my blog.

Fucking Hell

Well, as I said in my last post I'm looking into different themes for this blog. I may or may not change it. To be perfectly honest I've been looking through themes for about an hour now. I'll find one I think looks slick as hell, so I preview the entire thing and find that one thing that I dislike about it. Kind of like that damn search option on this current theme. I'm very picky about my blog theme. I want it to some how, some way, reflect who I am. However, in addition to that it also has to have everything the way I like it. Which is why the search option is driving me crazy. I wouldn't have known about it if I hadn't tried using it. But no... I had to try the damn thing. Just thinking about it makes my eye twitch.

I know I'm a nerd, trust me. But it's one of my quirks.

Master let me skip my post last night because I wanted to just relax. He allowed it but told me I had to do a longer post today. My choice last night may have back fired on me. I love blogging, but when I think about how that one thing about it is driving me crazy it makes me want to stop typing and fix it. But I can't fix it in the html/css so I started searching for a new theme. It's just difficult to select one.

I prefer to keep my theme for at least a while. I don't like it when other blogs change themes like they change clothes. So before I make the hop to a different theme I want to make sure that I'm going to keep it. All this over a blog theme. *sigh* But like I said, it's a quirk of mine and I honestly can't really help it. Well, that's not true I could. But it would just irritate the hell out of me until I just get so annoyed with the theme that I pick a new one at random and slap it on the blog just to get it changed out.

I don't want to do that. Thankfully it's only Friday and I have a four day weekend. That will give me some time to look into it a bit more and hopefully find a new one. If anyone has any suggestions and/or sources for kick ass free Blogger themes feel free to let me know about them!

Enough about that for now.

Last night I called my dad to wish him a happy birthday. He turned 50. He kind of tried to guilt trip me because I hadn't called him in a long time. But he hadn't called me either so I didn't react. He did ask that Master and I come down some time soon. Master and I use to love going to his place. Then he got his current girlfriend and suddenly it feels like a chore to even think about going down to his place. I know I should soon. I haven't been down there in quite some time. I do love my dad, but that bitch of his annoys the fuck out of me to the point that I want to grab her fat head and slam it repeatedly into the kitchen counter just so she'll shut the fuck up. Lovely imagery isn't it?

Like I said, I know I have to go down there soon. I just don't know how soon.

Today after I got the errands done I called my grandfather. It was his birthday today. He turned 72. This is the grandparent that isn't in the best of health right now. We talked longer than I thought we would. He doesn't like talking on the phone. But I told him happy birthday and we did some small talk before he said he had to go sit down for a while because he was tired.

For the rest of the night Master and I will just relax and enjoy the extra time together.

Damn

I just tried to search for one of my old posts using that search box on my blog. Guess what. It doesn't search my posts, it searches for other themes. Son. Of. A. Bitch. That annoys me. I may just nerd out later and try to find a different theme that doesn't do that. So if the blog looks weird for a while, bare with me.