Young & Not So Dumb

Master has always teased me that He got me young so He could train me early. I was 20 years old when we started dating and He was three months shy of being 28 years old. There are mixed thoughts about our age difference as far as other people are concerned. Not that it matters at all but it is still somewhat interesting. And I'm not strictly referring to our dynamic, although we have received comments about such in the past. So let's start off with the easy stuff. The "normal" relationship that everyone sees. No one in my family has a problem with the age difference. I think my dad, when he first found out, was actually pretty happy about it. I think he felt that because Master is older He can protect me better. And that is something my father is all about. Someone being able to back me up and if need be take over. Basically whatever it takes to make sure I'm safe, happy, and healthy.

My mother never really commented on it. Neither did my brother. In fact sometimes my brother completely forgets the fact that Master is older than me. My grandfather has made comments about it but they are all  little jokes here and there and are just poking fun at us. We don't get offended by it and find it funny.

Master's dad has absolutely no problem with it. Apparently he has a similar age difference in his current marriage. His brother and sisters don't even blink at it and neither does His sister-in-law.

His mother had a problem with it at first. She really did. She thought I was going to leave Him when He got "too old" as she put it. But now? She doesn't say anything about it because her current husband is younger than her. Not as much of an age gap mind you but it's there.

Our friends, past and present, have always kind of looked at Master with a mental high five. I'm not saying that based on looks or anything like that but simply because He has a younger chick on His arm. I've always found it amusing and so has He.

In regards to the dynamic.. to me it makes perfect sense. Both in gender and in age difference, not to mention size. I'm not saying anything against women at all. Not one bit. I just think a male makes more sense as the leader. I'm not knocking anyone or their kink this is just how I see it and it's mainly because I could never see myself submitting to a woman willingly. If Master made me, and He did once, then yeah. Of course. But I wouldn't volunteer for it. I want to know that the orders can be backed physically. That's also where His height really plays into it for me.

I do remember a few times when we actually attempted to get active in the local "scene" as it were. Yeah. It didn't go so well. We tried a few different times at different points in our relationship and each time it fell flat rather quickly. Some of it was just guys trying to convince Master to let them have alone time with me to put me through my paces. That was a good way to piss Him off. He didn't start off hot headed about it. He would decline but each time they wouldn't drop the subject at which point He became more agitated.

There were several people though who basically said I was too young to be a slave. That Master was taking advantage of the fact that I was young and didn't know any better. Know any better than what exactly? They never really said. They accused Him of not allowing me to get old enough to make an educated decision about it. They told Him that He was a cradle robber. Right in front of me. It was bad enough saying that at all but then to act like I wasn't even in the room and to talk about me as if I was a dumb young kid... that really pissed me off.  I may have been young but I wasn't a kid and I sure as fuck wasn't stupid.

Never mind the fact that He didn't drag me kicking and screaming into this. I was as excited about it as He was. I always knew, and still know, that if I really truly wanted this dynamic to end it would end. I've thought that I wanted that in the past, before I was medicated. I would hit one hell of a mood swing and would just want the collar off and want it off immediately. But as soon as it was off I would cry and cry and beg Him to put it back on.

Since being properly medicated, which is for a few years now, I've never once asked for the dynamic to go away. I don't think I ever will. Never say never. I don't want to jinx anything here, so I'll just say I don't see it going that way at any point.

Pout

I had asked Master what I should blog about tonight. He simply told me, "No work." Okay.. so I can't blog about work. I asked for Him to please be more specific. He said no, that's all He has. I did my pout lip and sad puppy eyes, even though it never works. He laughed and told me to knock it off. We both know it never, ever works. And I never really use it in order to get my way or anything along those lines.

It's more of just a pout in order to be cute and/or funny. Which is exactly the reason why He laughed.

I've never been one for actual pouting or using that kind of stuff to sway Him. He knows I would be up to something and He'd be more than annoyed by it.

If I want something I have to ask. If I try anything else it just seems... I don't know. Like I'm trying to trick Him. And I don't want to do that.

I remember when we were first dating/living together... I would come up behind Him while He was on the computer and wrap my arms around Him and rest my chin on His shoulder. I was just being cuddly and affectionate. But He would ask what I wanted.

I would get mad and hurt. Every other girl He's been in a relationship with would do that kind of shit to get something they wanted. You know, using affection as a barganing chip basically.

That's why it would hurt. I don't do that kind of thing. Never have. Never will. But we were freshly living together. When we were living apart and I did something like that He didn't react that way. After all, we only got to see each other twice a week, if that, so we were both hanging all over each other when He would come down.

But after I moved in with Him and saw Him every day I guess His viewpoint on such changed for a short period of time. It honestly didn't take long for Him to realize that I wasn't lying, I was in fact not doing it for anything other than to be affectionate with Him.

I would say it took about a month. But I had to get use to things too. Sometimes He would do something similar and I would wonder why, simply because of past relationships. And that would hurt Him too. I'm glad we both got past it rather quickly.

We have both had some pretty fucked up relationships before we met one another. It makes me realize how lucky we are to have found each other. We don't have to worry about those kind of games. We are both straight up with one another and that's how it should be. You shouldn't have to play games in a relationship.

Back In The Day

I tried reading the FetLife boards a little bit today. I say try, because it wasn't all that interesting. Either the subject had been covered a million or so times, it was done in third person, or it was a one true way type post. As I was going through them and I was trying to think of what to post, this all popped into my head and why it would make sense for a good blog post.

Master and I have been on this path of ours for almost as long as we've been together. We've been together ten years now, so I'll say we started this path a little over nine and a half years. It's been a long, but exciting road.

While I was going through the threads I realized that some of the things that I was being annoyed by, we actually used to do. *gasp* It was one of those, "Holy shit... did we actually do that?" And not in a good way. But it was was a stepping stone as we were trying to figure out where we wanted to go and how we wanted to get there.

A good example would be the whole third person. This girl. This slave. You know what I'm talking about. Yes, Master had a rule where I absolutely had to type in third person. He didn't normally have me do it verbally, but for some reason doing it while I was posting on threads and what not was a requirement. I thought it was a good idea at the time as well, and actually enjoyed doing it. It made me think and made me focus while I was typing. It was more an exercise in helping cement my submission to Him. We weren't living together so at the time it seemed like a very handy reminder. I obviously don't need such a reminder anymore.

And I'm not saying other people shouldn't be doing that. If that's what they want to do, good for them. That's awesome. But I honestly can't really read it anymore without being annoyed by it. I wonder if people felt that way when they read what I was writing back then.

Then again I still do the capitalization on any word referring to Master. (Master. He. Him.) I know for a fact some people can't stand reading that. Hell, some of them even find it offensive stating that the only time it should be capitalized in such a way is when referring to God. Well..... too bad? *laughs* It helps not being Christian or Catholic. I don't see it as a religious reference basically.

I still do it because He still wants me to. He sees it as a sign of respect in a way. I can see and understand that.

That one true way thing... when we first started dipping our toes in we were basically willing to read and try anything that even remotely made sense to us. It was the only way we would find what works for us and what doesn't. And we didn't want to miss out on anything that we may enjoy. It was our first power exchange relationship. I had never submitted to anyone before. Actually, if you knew me in person and didn't know about our dynamic you wouldn't believe for a moment that I had a submissive side to my personality. He never had a submissive or slave either. I'm His first and last. *grins*

But, if you knew Master in person... you could totally sense that He has a dominant personality. He is the typical Alpha male. No doubt about it.

But back to the one true way thing. We were never along the lines of there was only one way of doing things. We just wanted to try everything that sounded interesting. I will admit I used to worry about whether or not I was doing this whole slave gig correctly.

But eventually I discovered/realized that as long as He is pleased, I'm doing it correctly. After all, that's the whole damn point. I think a lot of people forget about that. It's what about makes you and your partner happy. It's not about what people online or in a dungeon think.

I'm A Good Listener

Sometimes I don't really understand why people tell me things that they wouldn't talk about normally. I guess I have one of those trust worthy faces. *snort*

This happened to me twice today. One I totally understood. That one was my mother. She called me not once, but twice today, to bitch about her husband. (My parents are divorced and my mother has been with her current spouse since I was 17.)

Everyone gets pissed off at their significant other. I know Master gets pissed off with me from time to time. And yes, even though He is the one in charge and I am the submissive one in this relationship, I get pissed off at Him sometimes. Just because He is in charge does not make Him immune from pissing me off. *laughs*

Anyway, she was pretty much bitching because her husband has been nagging the ever living hell out of her for the past two days about something. And each time she tries to tell him that she needs to calm down before they continue the conversation he won't give her room to breathe and if she tries the quiet shoulder approach he does the, "Honey. Hun. Sweetie..." etc until she responds. Basically think of a kid holding onto your leg and going, "Mom. Mom. Mom. Mommy. Mom."

She was venting up a storm man and I understand why she talks to me about it. I mean yeah, I'm her daughter but we can talk as two grown adults. I'm a grown married woman and so is she. So we can talk on those levels without bringing the mother/daughter thing into it.

The other one that happened today though I have absolutely no idea why he opened up to me. The passenger in my carpool has absolutely no problem complaining about his wife and marriage to me. He has been that way since shortly after we started carpooling together.

Maybe it's because he knows I have absolutely no one to tell about it. I don't talk to his wife. I simply wave at her if I see her in the driveway or something like that.

It still amazes me though. Today it was about how lately he can't seem to do anything right. And I'll be honest, I comment back on it. I don't know him outside of work and I don't know her at all except for what he tells me. But hell, you're telling me.. I'll comment. And I have to side with him nine times out of ten. His wife sounds like an uber cunt behind closed doors. At least if everything he says is true.

And just last Friday the girl who sits next to me at work started telling me shit I really, really had no business knowing. Does that stop me from listening? No. I don't feel uncomfortable about it. Honestly, this kind of thing has happened to me a lot in my life.

She was telling me about how she has been saving up for the past two years in an account her husband doesn't know about in order to pad herself for a divorce. He has no idea, apparently, that she wants a divorce. She even pulled out the divorce paperwork out of her work desk drawer. She told me that she is getting closer to filing it because she believes she has enough money to do so.

But did it end there? No. She proceeded to tell me that over the course of the past two years she has cheated on him a total of 18 times with 3 different men, all of which know her husband. Hell, one of them is his cousin.

Holy fuck. I commented. But I wasn't a bitch. I just told her to make sure she was going to be stable before she files and serves him. That was my one and only comment. In general do I agree with what she is doing? No. But I don't know her. I've talked to her a total of 15 times over the past 4 years about things that didn't have to do with work. And it was normally just small chit chat. This was highly unexpected. But since I don't know her, I don't know her situation. As a result I cannot say that what she is doing is wrong. Maybe it's exactly what she should be doing. I have no fucking idea.

So yeah... I'm a good listener apparently.

Grab Your Nikes And Drink The Kool-Aid

I love my Husband. I love Him so much that every year I find it amazing that I have actually grown closer to Him. Why? Because I thought we had already reached that peak. But every year I'm proven wrong because I realize that yes, we are closer than we were this time a year ago.

I am lucky to have found my mate when I was so young. I really am. I have no idea what the hell I would do without Him. I'll fully admit that.

But... (there is always a but) ... I know that I could. I don't want to. I never, ever want to but I know that it would be possible.

So, what started this fucked up thought process? Yes, another thread on Fet. A rather morbid one actually, which is honestly why I started reading it. It was a "What would you do when your Master/Mistress passes away?" as well as a "What have you put in place for your slave when you pass away?"

I told you it was morbid. So many people answered that they don't think they'll be able to go on living. Me? I won't have a choice in the matter. If He passes first I know that I will have to continue to care for our animals and to move forward with my life. I know that He wouldn't want me to give up on everything and just crawl into a dark hole somewhere never to return. I may do that for a while, admittedly. I will say that I will never be Owned again and I have no intentions what so ever of searching for another romantic partner.

I think I'll end up being a lot like my grandfather. His wife (my grandmother) has been gone for 19 years, soon to be 20. He lives. He does what he needs to do. He has never gone on one single date and he still celebrates their wedding anniversary. He just goes through his life and takes care of his dog. Yep. That will be me. That is, as I said, if He passes away first. Which He damn well better not any time fucking soon.

Okay.. so where is the kool-aid comment coming from? So many people on that thread were saying how they just couldn't possibly continue to live in any way, shape, or form. That serving them is their one and only purpose in this life.

I do believe that I was always meant to be with Master. I truly do. I do not believe that our dynamic was written in the stars though. That is something that we entered into on our own because that is how we naturally interact with one another and basically it's what gets us off.

They refer to the fact that they are so dependent on their Owner that they literally cannot function without them. It's as if they walked up to their Owner wearing Nikes and a jumpsuit, were handed a dixie cup full of kool-aid and went "Okay!" and did it like a shot.

I am dependent on Master, but not to the point where I literally cannot make any decisions without Him. I am not a robot. I am not mindless. That isn't what He would want me to be like, which is a good thing because I don't want to be like that either.

I know everyone has different kinks but to me this goes beyond the kink territory and enters into a rather scary realm of what the fuck.

Time Travel

Lately, when I've been reading on Fet I come across these threads where there is a large range of where people seem to be in their relationships. Whether it's how long they have been together or how long they've been in the lifestyle. Either way I read some of the things they write and I realize that some of it reminds me of what Master and I used to be like when we were first together and started on this path of kink.

The lifestyle and the relationship honestly started pretty much at the same time. I would say that we were only together for about four or five months (if that) before we started dipping our toes into the kinky side of things. This actually surprises me looking back as neither of us had that kind of relationship before. So not only were we new to one another we were both new to the lifestyle in general.

But you know how it is, when you're first together it's that whole nothing can/will go wrong. Everything is perfect. Not true, but whatever. Thankfully Master and I have been able to get through all of the peaks and valleys. All of the sinkholes and windstorms... you get the picture.

In regards to kink we were both just kind of grabbing at straws in the beginning. We would read up on things and go, "Oh... so that's what is supposed to happen." Yeah. Supposed to. Those words just dripped off my fingertips and onto this blog. That shit just happened.

But when you're so new and you have no idea where to begin that's kind of what happens. But as time progressed we tossed all the shit that wasn't working for us or didn't make sense to us. We let it all fade away and were left with how we wanted things to be.

Eventually you get out of that whole mindset that there is some kind of guidebook. There is no guidebook and if anyone tells you differently they are dirty rotten liars. There can be things that inspire you or causes a light bulb to go off in your head but that's about it. Your kink is your kink and my kink is my kink. As long as no one is getting hurt (you know what I mean) then I'm all good with it.

It still amazes me though, to look back and see how far we've come and how much has changed over the years. I don't think about it often at all but sometimes when I'm reading something that someone else is writing I think to myself, "I remember what that was like." or "I remember when I used to think that way."

I don't know if anyone else ever comes across something like that but I find it kind of interesting when I do.

Rome Wasn't Built In A Day

I was young when I met Master. I was 20. And you know how it is when you're that young and you fall hard for someone. It's going to last forever! Thankfully, in our situation, so far so good.

But as the post title says, Rome wasn't built in a day. A relationship is also not built in a day. I may be rather young and I was young when I met Him but regardless of your age, if you want to keep a strong and healthy relationship you quickly have to realize that it's work and it takes a lot of time and trust.

I was reading on the boards a little while ago and a "Master" was complaining that they can't get their slave to agree to anal. Sigh. Here we go again, right? Nope. It got worse.

Apparently he met this girl on collar me and they have been together for seven days. They have only met in person once. Keep this all in mind, there is a pop quiz later.

So as I'm reading this I have a lot of questions going on in my brain.

Why are you saying you're getting her to try anal when you've been in a relationship a whole whopping week and only met up once? You just threw that in there immediately?

Why are you already saying you are her "Master" when you've only met once. They said that they talked a lot on collar me. Okay, fine.. but to me it takes more than meeting once in person and a bunch of chatting online to take on that title.

I continue reading the thread as these questions spin round and round. Okay.. he's 21. Fine, whatever. I was young when I met Master. She is 18. Again, fine, whatever.

She's a virgin. Okay, cool. She is a virgin that has been saving herself for a "Master" and has decided that after chatting online, meeting once, and being in a relationship for seven fucking days to give her virginity to this dude next weekend.

*blinks*

*twitch*

Not everyone takes their virginity so seriously that they save it. In fact there aren't a lot of people that do save it anymore. Either way is fine. Doesn't bother me either way. But when you have decided to save yourself for a "Master" and have decided to give it up a week into it... Why the fuck did you bother saving it to begin with? Or is saving it just a codeword for not fucking anyone yet because you haven't wanted to or couldn't get any?

When someone says that they are saving their virginity I immediately think of someone making a decision to wait to have sexual intercourse until they have met the right person and are sure that they are the right person. I think that would take longer than a week.

Yes, I'm being judgmental. I'm a horrible person.

This is just me making a post on my blog about something that passed through my head.

Random Thoughts

I have some things I could post about but rather than breaking it up over the next few days I want to do as much of it as I can in one post. So I'll be covering several topics. Please try to not get lost. ;-)

Last night we went out to dinner with my mother-in-law and her husband to celebrate Master's birthday. Honestly Master had gotten up to the point that if His mother started anything, like taking small digs and what not, which she is famous for, He was going to fire back. He wasn't going to just let it go without a comment basically. That being said, nothing happened. We all had a good time, His mother didn't take any digs at all. In fact she told us that we didn't have to come down on Sunday because they were going to paint the smaller rooms first and really only needed our help painting the living room. That honestly caught us off guard. In fact, the whole feel of the dinner caught us off guard. She was in a good mood, as was her husband, no digs, no back handed compliments. Nothing. She was pleasant and talkative. Everything she said was positive. It was.. weird. So while we had a good time we left going, "What the hell just happened?"

Odd, I know.

The rest of Master's birthday was spent with us at home talking and having a good time. He then said something very sweet. He said He was glad that I had taken the day off of work. Normally He doesn't want me to take off of work unless it's important. I had told Him that His birthday is important. But when I initially brought it up He hemmed and hawed about it. He eventually gave me permission to do so. He said He was glad that I had taken it off because He had such a good day with me and He was thankful for the extra time with me. He didn't say it, but I think what He was getting at was it meant a lot to Him that I had taken His birthday off even though we really didn't do much but sit at home. I didn't take it off for a party, or for a night out on the town. I had simply taken it off to be with Him on His birthday. While He doesn't really like His birthday I know it bothers Him when people don't remember it. So for me to take the day off to just be with Him, I think it meant a lot to Him. And that makes me very happy. That's all I really wanted. I wanted to be with Him on His birthday. It's as simple as that.

We are also glad that we don't have to go to His mother's on Sunday. We don't really have the gas money for it and my paycheck isn't until Friday. On top of that I really don't like doing a lot of Sundays. Especially if it's something where we aren't going to get home until 8pm. I may stay up on Sunday anyway, but it's at home and I can relax. I don't have to come home and unwind. Plus that means that Master and I can do our own thing.

Okay, now onto the subject of finances and relationships. Most of you probably already know that our finances aren't that great. We get by but we can't splurge often and even when we do it's not much. We do something simple, like go out to dinner. And even with that it's not an expensive restaurant. We simply have to keep a tight grip on our finances. One of the things I love about our bank is that we have the option of making our accounts where you literally can not go over. Which is the option we took. You can not go over whats in your account, which also means you can't get overdraft fees. Now where that would suck in an emergency situation it's great for day to day shit. For instance, if we happen to not realize we don't have that much money in the account when we go shopping, it'll simply deny the card rather than letting it go through and getting an additional $25 fee tacked onto it. That helps a lot.

They say that one of the most likely things to end a relationship or a marriage is financial stress. Now where we do get stressed and can get snippy with each other because of it, it will not end our marriage. We take our vows very seriously and one of them is for richer or poorer. Another one being in sickness or in health. Master has a blood disorder where if He gets a cold it can quickly become pneumonia which can quite literally kill Him if it is not caught in the very early stages. Then there is my chronic pain and bipolar disorder. So there are health problems on both sides of the coin.

Yeah, I know. Anyone who is married, or has been married, knows the vows. But still, pointing them out now and then helps keep our stress levels down.

HG, the fiance of BC, at one point asked how long we had waited until we got married. I told her that we got engaged at the 2 1/2 year mark but didn't get married until the 4 year mark. She asked if part of it had been because of finances. And admittedly that was part of the reason but even then we didn't spend a lot. The most expensive thing was our honeymoon and even then comparatively speaking to other honeymoons I've heard of, it was a rather modest honeymoon. We spent $200 on the actual wedding, including the marriage license and $500 on the reception including food and a bartender, but it was a cash bar. We didn't have a DJ or a band. We had a boombox and burned CDs. But we loved it. Everyone had a great time. We danced to our song and that was it. The rest of the music was just to have a good time. Our wedding rings, which are titanium, were only $400. I don't have an engagement ring because I proposed to Him and I hate diamonds anyway.

So HG then asked why we hadn't gone all out on it. I told her that we didn't need that. All we wanted was to be married. I wanted to be Mrs. Coyote. He wanted me as His wife. All we needed were the rings, an official that could marry us and the piece of paper that made it official. Everything else was trimmings. Although honestly we did want to have some kind of celebration afterward with our family and friends. But $500 on the whole reception isn't that much at all.

She then asked what happened after the wedding. I told her that as soon as we got back from the honeymoon we were tight on finances. And slowly but surely we became broke. She asked why we had bothered then. I got insulted by that question. What do you mean why did we bother? Fuck you very much. We bothered because we wanted to be married and it was important to us that we be married on our four year anniversary. She thought it was weird that we got married on a Wednesday. I simply explained that that was our anniversary and it didn't matter at all to us what day of the week it was on.

So now lets go into the situation... I don't know if I would call it ironic.. but it's makes me feel a little good inside. That may sound horrible when I explain the situation but the way she sounded like she was talking down to us for how our wedding was handled.. it makes me smirk a bit. Kind of a karma thing. Her words came to bite her right in the ass.

HG and BC got engaged on their 2 year anniversary. BC had spent over $3,000 on just the engagement ring. To me that sounds like way too much money to spend on a piece of jewelry. Way, way too much. In fact he bought it on their year mark and hadn't paid it off until their second anniversary.

Okay.. they had moved in together at about the year and a half mark. They had bought lots of appliances that were not cheap at all. A washer and dryer, things that came from Bed Bath & Beyond.. basically anything that comes from Walmart, Alids, or K-mart is beneath her. Now where I understand that a lot of people may not shop at such places if they don't have to. But if you don't have the money to buy the more expensive shit then it's not beneath a lot of people (in my opinion) to shop at such places. You do what you have to do. But not her. Oh no.

So back to the engagement part. BC took her out to Vegas at one of the ritzy hotels right on the strip. He spent a lot of money on wining and dining her. Then he purposed and she had said yes. Since they got back they have been going on mini vacations every other week. And not cheap ones. It's not like they went camping or anything.

They were planning a big expensive wedding. She wanted to spend about $5,000 on her dress alone. And now? Oh now they had to break their lease at the duplex they were renting and move in with his parents. They lived way outside their means and BC dropped a salary job, guaranteed money, to work a commission only job because she pushed him to saying that he could make a lot more money. Never mind it was further away from home. Never mind there is no base pay and is strictly commission. She thought there would be a lot more money in it. She was wrong. Her job makes decent money but not enough to support both of them, a $500 a month car payment, bills, rather high rent and their standard of living.

So rather than lowering her taste for expensive things (they could easily have afforded at least the rent and car payment if they had stopped buying such expensive shit and not going three hours away and staying in nice hotels every other weekend) they decided that they would break their lease and move in with his parents so she could still do the things she wanted to do. Plus, they won't pay his parents rent and they get the entire upstairs to themselves. They aren't even going to help pay bills. That is very disrespectful of both of them to his parents.

Now us? During the times that Master was not working or we both had low paying jobs it got scary. In fact at one point we were so behind on our bills that we had to sell Master's car to get caught up. It sucked. But we did it. Right now I make decent money and Master is not working. He is sending out applications like a mad man and I've been tossing out ones online for Him from time to time. We are busting our asses basically. But you know what? As tight as our finances have been we have never once even remotely considered moving in with family. We have always kept a roof over our heads, the bills paid, food in the house (although sometimes rather cheap food), food for the animals and at least some gas in the car. It's tight and it's frustrating but we do what we have to to keep our independence, not have to rely on anyone and not put anybody out. We have sometimes had to borrow money, but we pay it back every time as quickly as possible. It's normally about $50. There was one time that we borrowed $350, but that was in order to get the brakes and rotors replaced on our car as it was getting to the point that it was no longer safe to wait any longer. Even with that we are paying it back as much as we can each and every month.

But we don't live outside of our means. If we don't have the money then we don't have the fucking money. In fact we worry more about getting the animals their food before we worry about our own. If that means cutting down on our grocery money so be eat. We don't starve. We eat every day. It's just not steak that week.

And because of that, we get by and we have what we need. We may not be able to get things we want, things that aren't necessities, but we know that eventually we will. We know we can live with out and everything else is much more important.

I just can't understand people who must have the finer things even if that means having to move back in with mommy and daddy.

Just Say It Already

Our friend BC has been with his current girlfriend for almost a year and a half now. He plans on purposing on their 2 year anniversary. He has already purchased the ring.

The problem is that he still hasn't told her that he loves her. So yeah, popping the question may seem a little awkward.

So he came over to our place tonight. Master is like... his mentor in a way.

They have been best friends for 20+ years. I have known BC almost as long as I have known Master, give or take a few months.

So he came over to talk about this mental block he has regarding telling her that he loves her. He feels it. She knows he feels it, just because of his actions. But he just hasn't been able to bring himself to say it to her.

While he was here he admitted that his mental block is because of past experience. He doesn't have a great track record with relationships. In fact, he is 34 years old and this is the longest relationship he's ever had.

His past experience, in his mind, is that as soon as he said those three words "I love you" the relationship went to shit. And he's scared that's going to happen now. My whole point was that she has already said it to him, constantly, and eventually if he doesn't start saying it back she is going to grow frustrated, think the relationship isn't going anywhere and leave him. Which I'm pretty sure would kill him inside.

So there was a lot of talk, mainly between BC and Master. I was trying to stay out of that side of things as much as possible and waited to speak until later when the mood was a bit lighter.

But it sounds like he's finally going to go ahead and say it to his girlfriend. Which is wonderful. And I honestly think it'll help his relationship with her in ways he hasn't even thought of yet.

So best of luck to him.

He stayed afterward, we had dinner, and we joked around. He stayed until about 9pm and headed home.

It's now a little past 10pm and I am not the least bit tired. I'm hoping that I get tired before 2am because I have to work tomorrow and as long as I'm in bed by that time I'll get four hours of sleep.

It's so hard resetting your internal clock each week. But I enjoy staying up late on the weekends and don't see myself giving that up anytime soon.

Other than that there isn't a lot on my mind. I seem to have writer's block at the moment. Tomorrow, if I'm not overly busy at work, I'll hopefully think of a topic to write about.

Holy Hell, Batman!

Okay yeah... so yesterday was interesting. So interesting in fact that Master allowed me to skip my blog post because He knew I was upset (as in angry) and the fact that I just had a lot on my mind.

So yeah. This is going to get garbled unless I just get the small stuff out of the way and then go into the bigger stuff.

My mom called me yesterday while I was on my lunch break to tell me two things. As a result of finding out these two things I went down to my dad's shortly after I got out of work, only he wasn't there. Just DW was. And nothing was said about either of the pieces of information that my mother informed me of. I acted, of course, like I didn't know what was going on. And it seems that my father is avoiding me to a point. Master and I didn't get home until late, and I stayed up really late. But hey, we had incredible sex so who am I to bitch?

Okay, so now that I was incredibly vague, here are the two pieces of information...

First:

My brother has been with his girlfriend longer than Master and I have been together. They have been together for about 7 1/2 years and they have two small children together. (My nephews.) They are not married, but were living together. Well apparently last Sunday his girlfriend told him that they needed to talk. During the talk she said that she loves him, but isn't in love with him anymore. She then told him that she needed time to think things over and asked him to leave the apartment until Wednesday.

My brother is unemployed at the moment, and he was trying to keep this information to himself. So he was couch surfing at friends houses until Wednesday. Well Wednesday came and she said she needed more time and didn't want him to come back until this upcoming Sunday. So my brother finally broke down and called my mom, who then told him that he could stay at her place for as long as he wanted. So he is currently living at my mother's house.

My brother thinks that there is another man. (By the way, my brother is 25 and she is 22. Just in case anyone was wondering.) His (ex?) girlfriend has always been the type to wear sweatpants and a t-shirt. She never wore make-up or did anything with her hair. Well in this past month she has spent over $500 on clothing, bought make-up, and started getting her hair done. She basically has done a 180. She also hasn't been affectionate with him in a really long time, and has started going out four times a week, immediatley after work and then showering as soon as she gets in the door.

Clear signs, but she won't admit to anything and says she hasn't decided yet whether or not she still wants to be with my brother. They are supposed to talk on Sunday.

My brother is coming over tomorrow and probably spending the night. He hasn't been to our apartment in well over a year and we haven't really hung out in a long, long time.

Okay. So there's that.

Second:

My brother found out this following information by asking my dad whether he could sleep at his place for a night. My dad pulled my brother into a different room and said that it probably wasn't a good idea because my dad sleeps on the couch, so my brother would have no place to sleep.

My brother asked what was going on. My dad said that him and his girlfriend of 10 years broke up about a month and a half ago. She is moving out in April and my dad is already seeing someone else. In fact he is seeing someone that he was cheating on his girlfriend with. Now keep in mind I have seen my dad during that month and a half period and he hasn't said dick. I think the only reason he told my brother is because he asked to spend the night.

And yes, it's my dad's life not mine. But um.... ya know. What was he going to do? Wait for me to come over sometime in April and when I asked where DW was, lay it on me then? Plus my dad and I are supposed to be close.

All of this smacks of when my dad divorced my mother. He was cheating on my mother (they were together for 25 years) with DW (his now recent ex girlfriend) and him and DW had been together ever since. Well, this time there is a new twist. See, DW is 11 years older than my father. My father is 48.

This time he is apparently dating someone who is younger. As in much younger. My brother said that Dad wouldn't say her exact age and only said, "Well she's some where between your sister (meaning me) and Master's real name's age."

So this chick is somwhere between 26 and 34 years old. If the woman is closer to Master's age, I don't think it'll really bother me. But if she is my age or within a year of that, I think I'll freak out.

I'm all for people being happy. But that is just something that my mind can't quite wrap around. My dad dating someone who is the same age as me? *shudders* Weird!

Plus I am very disappointed in my father. He cheated on my mom and then left her for someone else. This time he was cheating on his girlfriend of a fucking decade and is actually the one getting dumped because she found out my dad was cheating. You think he would fucking learn.

Grow. The. Fuck. Up. Dad.

If you want out of a relationship be a man and fucking say so! If you found someone else, fine. It is what it is. But you don't do it behind the other person's back for an extended period of time and then force the relationship to break due to your actions.

Okay, I'll admit. I cheated on my ex. He cheated on me and I wasn't sure how the hell to get out of the relationship. So I looked elsewhere. I was 20 years old. I actually cheated on my ex, with my now Husband. But as I said I was 20 years old. I was stupid.

My dad is 48 and has been down this road before! UGH!

I'm not perfect, but he is the one that lectured ME about not cheating and being a good enough person to leave first, when he found that out. I grew up, why the hell can't he?

And I fully believe, and have since that time, that you leave first and get your rocks off later.

*sigh*

So last night while I was venting to Master I gave Him a big hug and said, "I'm glad You and I are okay." He kissed the top of my head and said, "Me too."