Pieces Of My Childhood

Yesterday Master and I went down to my father's. It wasn't a planned visit. We were sitting around the apartment and my dad gave us a ring and asked if we wanted to come down. We didn't have anything better to do really, so we said sure. It's rare that he calls but he's been wanting to see us for a while, so why not. We didn't want to take the interstate but apparently city streets weren't a good choice either. There was construction everywhere. A drive that normally takes 45 minutes took a little over an hour and a half. Sucked on the gas tank, I'll tell you that. But we eventually got down there and thankfully my dad's girlfriend only came out to talk for about 15 minutes and then left. The rest of the time it actually felt like it used to. Dad, my Husband and I just sitting in the living room talking and joking around. I mean, we did that last time but it's wasn't the same.

My dad is going to be selling off 90% of his collection. He collects a particular band's memorabilia. He started this collection back when he was about 16. He's 50 now. So needless to say the collection is rather large. Well, enormous really. I helped him build that collection. In fact, I had my own for the longest time (same band). I had started mine shortly really young. I'd say no later than ten or eleven. So my dad and I would buy each other items for our collections. When I moved in with Master I realized that I hadn't really shown off my collection in quite a few years. It was all in totes. I hadn't really thought about it until I moved because well, I was moving the totes.

I also knew that I wouldn't be putting any of it up really. So I had talked to my dad and asked if he wanted my collection. I didn't keep any of it. I knew that it was going to good home. Granted, it meant that he would have several duplicates but I knew that wouldn't bother him. He seemed surprised by it but took it all.

Well, now my dad is looking to sell most of it, as I said. When he first told me that I was surprised to a point because he has been collecting this stuff for so long but I understood because I know he really needs the money right now. Some of it is so he can get things he needs but the other reason is so he can get one particular item he wants.

When he had first told me he was going to be selling most of it off it didn't really effect me. After all I had given away my collection. Even if it was to him, I still gave it away.

While we were there he had pulled out some of the totes of memorabilia he has and started showing it off. I remembered all of it. Every piece he took out. I remembered it. I remembered each piece he showed me that I bought for him. I remembered the pieces that were originally mine. I remembered everything. He even had a little book I had made when I was younger. Maybe 11? It was about the band. Pictures I drew, song names I remembered by heart that I had decided to write down. He still had it. He also had the very first boombox he ever gave me. He pulled it out and I knew it immediately. He told Master how he had given it to me. He had given me two CDs of the band with the boombox. I even know which titles they were.

At one point while Dad was still digging around to find more totes Master looked over at me and softly asked me if I was okay. I was. It was just kind of hitting me at once. All of it, even though it wasn't all mine, was part of my childhood. I would go to a store and if I saw anything that had to do with this band I would pick it up for myself or my dad if I had saved up enough from my allowance. Even after I gave my dad my collection I would find something at the store I knew he didn't have and get it for him and give it to him the next time I saw him.

But now? Now it's all going away. Well, not all of it. Dad did show me the ones he plans on keeping and most of it are items I got for him or he bought at concerts.

When I go to concerts I buy a hat every time. There are two times I haven't been able to do that.  One time was when Master, my brother and I went to the Disturbed concert because I didn't see any hats. The other time is when Master and I went to see Alice Cooper. Again, no hats.

Why hats? Well, at my first concert (I went with my dad) I wanted something I could wear but didn't have to change into. They had a cool hat so I bought that. Since then, that's what I've done. I know a lot of people get t-shirts and yeah, you can toss that over what you're already wearing or hold onto it... but for some reasons I've stuck with hats. I had three from when I went to concerts with my dad. I had given those to him as well.

So while he's digging around I asked if he still had them. He said, "Of course I do!" and pulled down the tote that had them. I open it up and they are right on top. I pull all three out and took a look at them for the first time in at least six years.

I look at the first one I ever got and I got a little pang in my chest. It sounds stupid, I know. But this was my first concert ever. It was a concert that I went to with my dad. It was for a band we both loved and he had bought it for me.

I didn't want it going to someone else. I wanted it back. So I offered to buy it off of him. He said I could just have it. I said no, that I was going to give him $20 for it. He didn't argue past that. However he did ask why I wanted to buy it rather than just taking it. I simply told him that I was "helping out".

I wore that damn hat home.

Master honestly doesn't really care for the band in question but he knows that I still like the band and it's something that my dad and I bonded over.

On the way home though I told myself I will probably pick up a few of the band's CDs that I used to have. Now right now, but at some point when I find one in a store I'll pick it up Only a few select titles though. Hell, I had all of them at one point. But I sold all of those. Now I want a few back. I don't need the whole album list again because I won't listen to it all. But I can think of four that I would love to have back. I most likely won't listen to them when Master is around, because as I said he doesn't really care for the band, but that's okay.

I'm glad I have the hat back though. I don't really wear my other band hat that much, but it's not so much about wearing it so much as it is about having it. Weird, I know.

Blast From The Past

I had a different post in mind when I first hopped on here. But as I was about ready to start making the post I heard something on the TV. Master and I have been watching a lot of Pawn Stars. They were talking about a book that someone's semi-famous grandfather had had in his library and had signed the book.

So I commented that my paternal grandmother (the one I was extremely close to) had signed the inside of most of her books. She had a rather large library. She was an English major and was a school teacher. I then told Master about how pretty her handwriting was. Master said that His grandmother had pretty hand writing as well and still had a letter from her.

That immediately click in my head that I believed I still had a letter from my grandmother as well. I rushed to go check. I hadn't looked at it for a long time so I wanted to make sure I still had it. It would have broken my heart if I hadn't.

Thankfully I found the letter and it's still in really good shape given the fact that I was rather young when I got it.

You see, at the time my grandmother was battling cancer. She wasn't in the hospital at that point. Regardless of the fact that she was on a lot of medication and still battling cancer she was always the teacher. She was teaching my baby brother and I how to write a letter properly. Not e-mail. A regular snail mail letter. She wanted to make sure we knew how a letter should be written.

So she had showed us an example one day while we were at our house and asked us to write her letters and mail them to her when we got home. And we did. We would do anything to make her happy and proud. Hell, she's been gone for some time now and I still hope that I make her proud. I honestly believe that she is looking out for me.

The letter made me emotional. I didn't cry but it got pretty close. She wrote this letter 11 months before she passed away.

For some reason I wanted to post what the letter said. This letter was sent to be on March 13, 1993. (The proper way to write a letter is to include the date.) Please keep in mind she was writing this letter to me when I was 10, so she broke it down so I would understand it.

So here is the letter. (It has my brothers name in it so I'll be replacing his name with the word "Brother".)

Dear Granddaughter,

Thank you for your nice letter. I was really happy to receive it.

The cancers are getting smaller. That's really good news. And, no they haven't spread. That's also good news. Next summer they'll take more x-rays of Grandma's chest to see if the tumors are still shrinking. I sure hope so.

I still have some problems breathing because of the medicine I have to take. But it's getting better. By Easter I should not have to take the medicine any more. Then I should start feeling a lot better. That will be just in time for you and Brother to spend the night out here with us.

I'm glad to know you have so many good friends. I bet they are all very special people. It's fun having good friends you can play with and talk too.

We're also very proud of both you and Brother and how well you are both doing in school. We're glad you both like school so much and are working so hard. Keep up the good work. As long as you try your best that's what is important. Sometimes the work is hard and sometimes it is easy. But you always have to try your best.

I'm glad you had such a good time at your parties. You received a lot of nice presents. Your friends were very nice, and seemed to have a good time.

Please give these pictures to Brother. I forgot to give him the pictures when you were out here for the party.

Love you,

Grandma

Gods I miss that woman. When she wrote that letter my brother and I had just had our birthday party. He was born in January and I was born in March. So when we were younger my parents would just have our birthday parties at the same time. I remember that birthday party. We had it at McDonalds and Grandma was there. Wow was she skinny and pale. My grandmother was a rather plump woman before she got cancer. Seeing her that skinny as a kid (I was 10 years old) scared me very much. As you can probably tell when I wrote my letter to her I asked a lot about her cancer because it scared me.

But she didn't make it to the summer of '94. She didn't make it to Easter either. I know she wasn't lying to me in her letter. She was very hopeful. But shortly after this letter was sent to me her cancer did spread and it spread fast. She was in and out of hospital stays from about May of '93 until the day she passed away, which was February of '94. Her wake was on Valentine's Day.

After that letter I never got to sleep at her house again. When she wasn't in the hospital she was in a hospital bed in her living room on oxygen. She was too weak to walk around or sit upright. When she did come to our place she was in a wheelchair with her oxygen tank. She let us decorate the stand that she wheeled around the oxygen tank in with stickers. She said she wanted us to sleep over but she was so tired all the time and she didn't want us to be bored. We promised we wouldn't be bored but our parents said no, Grandma needs her rest.

The saddest part, to me, about her passing was the fact that she was due to come home two weeks later. She was in remission and the only reason she was still in the hospital was to help her get some strength back. She was in physical therapy when her heart gave out. It had been weakened from all the medication and chemo therapy. She had a massive heart attack and died in the physical therapy room. They weren't able to bring her back. We had made banners, which were already hung up at her house. It must have been extremely hard on my grandfather to take those down. We had plans to pick her up with Grandpa so we had also made signs to show her as she came out to the car. We kept them until about a year later. I was still 10 because my birthday wasn't until March. So it's been 17 years. Seventeen very, very long years. She was my heart. And I hope to see her again one day.