I'm on my period right now and apparently I've been pretty bitchy. I haven't meant to be to be perfectly honest but we all know that sometimes that just doesn't matter, it happens anyway. The comment He made was something along the lines that He understands I'm PMSing right now but it's more like how I was before I started taking any of my medications. I've been medicated for two years now. Looking back I realize what a train wreck I was. I wasn't always that bad. It wasn't until about the time I turned 25 that it really started to kick into overdrive. I've been medicated since I was 27. So, it was two years of me just being bat shit crazy one minute and perfectly fine the next. Ready to take anyone's head off to me not understanding why people were pissed off with me.
So when He made a comment about my behavior being more like it was before I was medicated it hit me rather hard. He didn't say it in a mean way, He wasn't a dick about or anything, He just said it rather bluntly and that was that. He didn't harp on it.
We had been invited down to another bonfire tonight. We went to one last night. After dinner Master asked what I wanted to do. I didn't really have any ideas as we didn't feel like watching anything. He said that we were invited down. I wasn't feeling all that social so I simply said, "Go ahead."
He had told me earlier today that I could just stay home if I wanted. So I did. Apparently I need to get my head on right and now seems as good of a time as any. So I took a really quick bath as there was barely any hot water. As soon as I got out of the tub Master had came back inside to grab a soda. Shortly there after He went back out.
After that I laid down on the living room floor and just laid there for a little while. My lower back was bothering me a little so I figured that laying on the floor would help a little bit by stretching it out. As I was laying there I realized it has been a very long time since I mediated. So I continued to lay on the floor and just closed my eyes and started reflecting and meditating on such things.
I cannot account for why I've been so bitchy really. I mean the stress levels are about where they have been for a while now. So nothing new there. I'm not depressed. I'm definitely not in a manic phase right now. Honestly, I would prefer a manic phase right now.
I know that I need to do more and get out of this rut I've placed myself in. I've slacked off on exercising for quite a while now which probably isn't helping at all. Now one might say that being more social may help get me out of this rut, and that's probably true. But I just didn't feel ready to deal with anyone right them when Master went outside. I guess I just feel stuck right now. I'm not sure why I feel stuck. It's like I've slipped a gear and just can't shift into the next one.
I'm not used to being a social person anymore. I've never really been extremely social honestly. I did go last night and I sat outside for a while today talking with some of our neighbors. But Master seems to be more excited about it than I do.
I guess I'll have to start forcing myself to get out there and be social when He is. I know He isn't trying to drag me into it or anything. He is encouraging it but not dragging.
I'm glad I stayed back for now though. It allowed me to meditate for a little while and I do feel better because of it. I know that I have to start being more active and get out of the whole work and then sit at home thing. I don't want to be social all the time. I still want time to just relax in the apartment and not deal with anyone besides Master.
I did do some exercises after my meditation and I know I should do that more often. I don't know if I'll go down there later or not. I'm not really sure how long Master intends on staying down there.
Another thing I've noticed, and Master also commented on this, is that I don't really dress up in lingerie for Him anymore unless He tells me to. I don't take the initiative. I haven't been taking the initiative with that or with sex in general really. I'll flirt and grab His crotch but I haven't been actually starting anything beyond that. It's not that I don't have a sex drive. I do. It's not as high as it usually is but that seems to happen when summer initially hits.
He has also commented on the fact that I don't just toss on a skirt and heels anymore and that I hardly wear the heels I have. Aside from errands or visiting family we don't really go out. I mean yeah Master has been hanging out with our neighbors but that's literally only a few doors down. I guess I don't really need an excuse to do that. I could just toss on a dress or skirt when we go to run a couple of errands.
I also need to buy more skirts and dresses. I had purchased a dress about six months ago but it was online and when it got here I was disappointed with it. It wasn't like it I thought it would be. So I guess I'll have to start setting some money aside so I can go out and buy more skirts and dresses that I know I'll like and want to wear and that Master will enjoy seeing me in.
I also need to start exercising more because I'm not entirely happy with how I look right now. I'm not fat, I haven't put on a lot of weight or anything, I'm just not as toned as I used to be. I don't think I'm ugly, but I do want to tone up. I've said it before and I was doing well for a while but then I let it slip and until today haven't been doing it.
I do know that if I do end up going down there tonight to hang out with our neighbors I'll most likely just keep on what I have on currently. It's a gray tank top with gray yoga pants. It's not jeans and a t-shirt plus Master made a comment that He likes me in this outfit.
And like I said I need to buy more dresses and skirts. My favorites had "died" a while back. Either they were just worn out as they were older or at one point one of the animals fucked it up. I'm not mad about it, I'm just saying that it happened. That's also what happened to my favorite pair of heels. They were just old and the heel broke on one of them.
So I guess I have to get out there and buy some new favorites so I'll want to wear them more often.
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