The Day of Ups and Downs

Today has been up and down all damn day. I got up for work and had to remind myself that it was actually Tuesday, not Monday. Right now I'm really thankful that it it's a shorter work week.

First, the work shit. I get to work and ask to leave at 3pm so I can do to my consultation appointment with my dentist. The request is approved and nothing more is said. Then, on my extremely short lunch I get told by a coworker that because yesterday was a holiday if I leave early today I wouldn't get paid my holiday pay. The way I had read it it was if you didn't come in, not if you left early. So I go to HR and she confirms that if I leave early today I won't get paid holiday pay. I quickly explained that it is for a dentist appointment that I had to make last minute. She says fine, she'll talk to my supervisor and they'll make a "management decision"... So I get all stressed out about that and tell Master. He tries to keep me calm. About an hour later I get called back in the HR office and she tells me that I'll still get holiday pay as long as I can bring in a note from the dentist stating that I was actually there and that is why I had left work early. It reminds me of school. Seriously.

So okay fine. Master picks me up and we go to the dentist. The dentist gives me all the options, but saving that tooth is not one of them. So he goes through the whole list. All of them are expensive and painful. It's just varying degrees. I don't really want to go into what all needs to be done, or the options he gave. I'll just say that Master and I aren't making a decision tonight. We need to call the oral surgeon and figure out when they can get me in and how much it'll cost me because not only do I have to go by their schedule I need to schedule it around my work schedule and finances. I'm going to at least need one extra day off, which means burning a vacation day so I can stay home and take care of myself. I'd much rather save it for something fun. But this needs to be taken care of and there is no way Master is going to allow me to just keep putting it off.

So now, back to work shit. My supervisor had said he was hoping to get my review done this week. I seriously fucking doubt it at this point. We have a new girl in the department so he spent the day showing her around. Tomorrow and Thursday we have clients coming in so the whole place is going to be hectic as hell. Then Friday my supervisor leaves at noon. So yeah, some how I think it's going to be put off again.

*sigh*

But Master is making me smile and joking around with me even though I feel down. Not depressed, just down. Overwhelmed is another good word. It was just a lot to process today.

What Is Spring?

Spring isn't how I remembered it as a kid. I remember Spring as being something that happened to gradually raise the temperature from the freezing winters to the hot summers. Not this 50 degrees one day 87 the next bullshit. Blarg.

We haven't turned on the air conditioning yet. We thought about it but decided against it for now. So we turned the ceiling fan on high and took the standing fan out of the bedroom and put it in the living room for now. We'll move it back when we go to bed.

After my four day weekend, which I have greatly enjoyed, I am reluctant to go back to work. I love getting to spend extra time with Master. Today reality smacked me in the face that I have to go back in tomorrow. The only sucky thing is that I know damn well I'm going to have a lot of work on my desk when I come in. The worst part? I have to leave work almost 2 hours early in order to make it to my consultation dentist appointment. If I hadn't made the appointment for tomorrow I would have had to wait until the end of June. That wouldn't normally be a problem except for the fact that the damn tooth still gives me problems on and off. I want to get it taken care of as soon as possible so I'm not screaming in pain at one point because I waited too long. That would suck ass.

Master is coming to pick me up and take me to the dentist appointment. I'm not nervous about it at all. Either it's going to be good news or bad news. Can they save the tooth without making me bankrupt or can't they. Those are really the only two possible outcomes. So we'll see.

Summer Wish List

Now that we've reached 87 degrees I've been thinking about my current wardrobe. I don't have a lot of summer clothes. I hate shorts. To me, if it's hot enough to wear shorts I might as well toss on a skirt. I personally think I look better in skirts, and they are more comfortable. Plus Master loves it when I wear short skirts, so bonus there. I currently have a jean mini skirt, a black cloth mini skirt, a mesh knee length skirt and two dresses.

Yeah. I need more.

So I decided to make a list of ones I want although I'll probably mostly shop in actual stores for them. I've been surfing the web and wanted to keep track of them in case I end up saying fuck it and decide paying shipping is cheaper than gas for the car. (There may or may not be some duplicates. The first wish list post I made I didn't organize well at all.)

Skirts:

1. Lip Service Fallout Black Dress -  This isn't my normal style but I kind of like it.


2. Black French Terry Studded Skirt - Master said He really likes this one and I have to agree with Him.


3. Black Knit Zipper Ruffle Skirt - This is kind of cute. I like that it's tight and that it has a full front zipper but the small bit of ruffle kind of throws me off.


4. Sweater Knit Bandage Skirt - I really like this one.


5. Tripp Black Zipper Grommet Strap Pencil Skirt - It's a bit longer than I would normally wear, but I love it.

Dresses:

1. Single Sleeve Ruched Dress - This is hot.


2. Knit Banded Hem Dress - This isn't bad.


3. One Shoulder Mesh Inset Dress - I love this dress and Master likes it as well. (He's sometimes peeking over my shoulder as I make this list.)

Heels:

1. Strappy Lace-Up Heel Sandal - These are nice.


2. Multi-Strap High Heeled Sandal - Master really likes this pair.

 

Bribing Master

Our dynamic of Master and slave is always in place. We're not "part timers". But even so sometimes I can bribe or cut a deal with Him. Sometimes it's pretty easy, other times it takes a while.

This time, it's taken 6 years. That is not a typo. *laughs*

Master has been living in our current apartment for 7 years. I've been here for 6 years. Almost a month after I moved in here we were talking about leaving at the end of the lease. It's not that this is a bad place or anything, it's just something we started talking about. When we were first talking about moving in together we figured it would be us finding a place together and moving in at the same time. Not me moving in with Him or Him moving in with me. But the financial situation at the time didn't allow for that. My lease had ended which is why rather than renewing again I just moved in with Master.

Well financial situations haven't allowed us to move. That and finding an apartment that will take a large dog is pretty fucking difficult. It was more so when we had our Ghost puppy because of his breeds. He was a German Shepard / Husky mix. It was the German Shepard part a lot of people had a problem with and it was pretty obvious that he was part Shepard other wise we would have just lied. He was a good dog, a very loving boy. He didn't have aggressive tendencies at all. But there are stereo types for certain breeds which invoke fear or concern. Which is really sad.

But getting back to my original point, we've been stuck here. Our lease renews again this fall. Our friend SS has offered for us to rent out the house her and her fiance are moving out of. They own it, so we'd be renting it from them. At first I was so excited because it would be a whole house and we'd be out of here. But then Master smacked me with some realities. I would lose my carpool because we'd be pretty far away from where we currently are. Our electric bill would be much higher because instead of a two bedroom apartment it would be a three bedroom house. We'd have to take on more bills such as water, sewer, etc. Our finances are tight enough.

Plus Master honestly doesn't want to move until it's either a rent-to-own or a straight up mortgage. He doesn't want to move just to rent somewhere else. That was another thing that kept us from moving when I first got here.

I'm rambling. So what was the deal I cut? Well, when I moved in I didn't bring any furniture with me. All the furniture was already here, so I didn't have to. There are certain things we got rid of such as two couches we had. But we only got rid of them because His mother offered us an $800 couch she was getting rid of for free. It was in perfect condition she just wanted a $1,500 leather couch instead. So we took the couch. We have also obtained a dresser and a recliner from her just because she wanted to redecorate. (My mother-in-law is weird.) We got one end table that my dad gave us.

But there are three pieces of furniture that I have been bugging Master to let me replace. One is the headboard. He doesn't want to move that. It's heavy as hell. He says He doesn't want to move it until we actually move out of here at which point we will simply junk it and buy a new one. Another one is the computer desk. No excuse there really, He just didn't want to get rid of it and figures we'll just get a new one when we move out. The last one, the one I absolutely hated, was the entertainment center. It was big, no problem there. But it was black press board and it was a bit warped because of it's age. Master said He just didn't want to dick with it and we'll replace it when we move.

The other "defense" as it were that He had was that we couldn't afford to replace such things. They weren't things we had replaced simply because we just an upgrade from one of our relatives. And He was right.

When I did move in over 6 years ago though I had a TV with me. It was going to go in the bedroom because at the time Master had a working one already. Well, there was no place to put the damn thing in the bedroom. So I had gone out and purchased a really nice smaller entertainment center. But see, that was for the bedroom. Not the living room. And since we were using it in the bedroom He didn't see a reason to switch them. I agreed.

Well His TV died a few years ago. So we brought the TV out of the bedroom and put it out here. The entertainment center I bought when I first moved in just became something to put collectables on.

Last night I was thinking about the entertainment center in the bedroom. I hadn't really thought of it before but for some reason it hit me. We don't have to spend money to replace the entertainment center in the living room because we already have one! So I brought it up. Master huffed and sighed. My Master, the love of my life that He is, hates change. He hates it when we have to get new electronics, He hates it when we have to get new furniture. The only piece of furniture He wants to replace is the bed. He wants something with more support for His back. But that's for functional purposes. He hates it at the time of the change, but eventually He comes to love it or He just accepts and tolerates it because He knows it makes me happy and quite honestly I do not ask for much. He gets irritated because I don't want much.

So I kept talking about it without trying to nag. (Although I'm sure He would say I was nagging.) And finally He cut a deal with me. We would take the old entertainment center out to the dumpster, pull the other one out of the bedroom and get it all arranged. I was so happy I didn't care what the terms were. They honestly weren't that bad. I had to take the dog out all three times today. Morning, afternoon and night. No biggie there. And I also could no longer talk about replacing the headboard or computer desk until one of two things happen. Either we are moving into somewhere new or it starts to break. I agreed readily. The computer desk and headboard just aren't really my style. No big deal. But I loathed that damn entertainment center. I hated it. Big black warped press board. Ugh. It's not like Master liked it either. It's what He had at the time and once it was there He didn't want to go through the hassle of taking all the electronics out and fuck with it. And I understood that to a point. But when I moved in I didn't think we'd still be here 6 years later.

So like I said I agreed. Master woke me up at 7am to take the dog out because the dog had woken Him up. I took him with no complaint what so ever. I went back to bed afterward. Master and I got up a bit later and after Master's shower we started on our project. I was grinning the whole time. It probably sounds so damn stupid. I'm grinning over changing out an entertainment center.

We got all of the electronics out and dusted the hell out of them. We put the dog in his crate and opened the sliding glass door in the living room. We each grabbed an end of the old entertainment center and out to the dumpster it went. We came back in and I cleaned the area we had just cleared while Master dragged the "new" entertainment center from the bedroom. We got it set up and we put all the electronics on it. It looks awesome! Everything was hooked up properly the first time, which surprised me. Normally at least one cord is either "left over" or is hooked up to the wrong thing. But this time it went smooth as silk. I know Master right now does not like it. But He hasn't bitched once. He hasn't rolled His eyes and He hasn't commented on it at all. The only thing He did say was that either He would come to like it better or He would come to tolerate it. But I know the only reason He did this at all was to make me happy.

We both know we are stuck here for quite some time and Master knows I've wanted to get rid of that thing since I moved in here six years ago. And He knows that once it dawned on me that we're probably stuck here for at least another two years, it bothered me. He gave in and let me do this one thing to try to please me.

I just typed a 1,600+ word post about a damn entertainment center. Wow. Again, that may seem stupid but it really meant a lot to me for Him to do that.

Oh, by the way... the living room actually looks bigger because we don't have a huge entertainment center in it that we didn't even have enough stuff to fill it with. So yay all around!

Fear of the Dentist

Yesterday Master allowed me to skip my blog post because we were relaxing and having a good time. Before we knew it, it was pretty late and Master said I could skip it. So now, some catch up.

Yesterday I had off of work. I had scheduled the day off quite some time ago, but it served a different purpose than intended. I had originally scheduled it off in order to relax for four days straight and not worry about anything. Well with how my toothache was getting worse and then calming back down I had scheduled a dentist appointment. I got up and was a bit nervous about it. Originally I had wanted Master to go with me just because of how nervous I get at the dentist. I knew He would have to stay in the waiting room but just knowing He was close helps me a great deal.

But Master's back has been bothering Him a lot. It bothers Him to the point that He has not been sleeping well at all. An hour here, an hour there. He's constantly getting up because the back pain won't allow Him to stay asleep or He tosses and turns. Thursday was one of those nights. The appointment was at 12:30pm. Master woke up not feeling well, still tired. I understood and there was no need for Him to actually go with me. So I went by myself.

I got there, filled out the new patient paperwork and gave them my insurance information. I had to sit in the waiting room for a while because I had gotten there about a half hour early. I just wanted to get it over with.

Finally they take me into the room and before I even sit down I explain that if I start shaking it's only because I'm nervous. I told them that I had a very bad experience with a dentist in the past when I was a teenager and that when I have tried going in to a dentist since then I have been somewhat judged whether it be because of my nervousness or the fact that my teeth are not in the best of shape. They aren't horrible. But there are quite a few cavities some of which are large. I know it has a lot to do with the fact that my fear of dentists and lack of insurance has kept me from going for routine dental care. It is embarrassing and that also adds to the fear of me going. But these people were so nice, understanding and did nothing but try to keep me calm and talked to me the whole time. They explained everything they were doing and just started chatting away like we were old friends. It was very comforting.

Nothing was really done to fix the toothache. This was a preliminary visit. They took a full mouth x-ray which took a while because they are done in sections and they wanted to get a few different angles of certain teeth. Then they did a cleaning and polished my teeth.

They set up a consultation on how to fix the main problem, the tooth that is causing the pain. Again at the consultation it's not going to be fixed, it's going to be used to talk about options and what I am comfortable with, what is realistic and what isn't going to ruin me financially. Even though I have dental insurance it's not the best in the world. My medical insurance rocks but the dental leaves something to be desired. So I'll take on a good portion of the bill. But at least the insurance will cover something.

Before I left they gave me a bag full of "oral care goodies". They gave me a new tooth brush, two different kinds of dental floss and mouth wash that doesn't contain alcohol. (This particular dentist does not like mouth wash that contains alcohol because it dries out your gums.)

After the dentist appointment I felt... relieved. I was worried that I would have similar experiences to the ones I've had in the past. This was... a pleasant surprised. I do believe I have found a dentist that I will have no anxiety over seeing. Of course I had to list the medications I'm on and the dentist did not recognize the one I had listed, so she asked what it was for. I explained that I was bipolar. I'm still getting used to the fact that I have to say this. There is a lot of misconceptions about the disorder and I was worried they were going to think I'm bonkers. But she just said okay, made a note and didn't treat me any differently.

She did ask me what my bad experience was though. She wanted to understand so she could take precautions that it wouldn't happen in their office. So I told her.

When I was about 14 my wisdom teeth were coming in, but they were coming in sideways and causing a great deal of pain. They hadn't broken through the gum line yet but the dentist insisted that they had to come out now. So my mother took me in. It was the only dentist in the area that would take our insurance which admittedly sucked ass. I know that she specifically asked me to be put completely under. She has also had bad experiences with dentists before which I think already had me nervous about them to begin with. This particular experience didn't help one bit.

The dentist did not put me under. He numbed my gums and gave me very little "laughing gas" and that was it. He was very rough about it. I remember more than once when he was pulling his fingers out of my mouth his dental equipment knocked my front teeth and a few times scraped my chin. That scared the hell of out me for some reason. He also didn't suction all that much. I swallowed a lot of blood. He had had to cut into the gums to remove them so yeah, there was a lot of damn blood. As soon as the stitches were in and he moved back I ran to the bathroom and was sick because of the blood that had gone down my throat. I was sobbing because it hurt so damn much. I was then on the couch for four days with ice packs wrapped around my cheeks. My cheeks were so puffed up I didn't even recognize myself when I looked in the mirror. And I was continuously throwing up because my stomach was still getting rid of what I had swallowed during the procedure.

To me it was very traumatic. It may not sound like it, but to me it was. The dentist said she was so sorry to hear that that had happened to me. She promised that nothing like that would happen to me in their office.

Like I said it was very comforting. I didn't shake at all. I was surprised. I'm a little disappointment that I am going to have to leave work early on Tuesday to go to this appointment. First, gas isn't cheap and Master is going to have to drive 45 minutes to come get me, drive 45 minutes back to get me to the dentist and then get us both home after. Thankfully the dentist is only 5 minutes from the house.

I have told Master that I am going to take better care of my teeth before the problem gets any worse. We are going to take care of the biggest problem first and then go from there. It's going to be a long process simply because of the expense. But we'll get there. I am also going to go in for routine cleanings from now on. Master said He is proud of me and happy that I'm taking these steps. He doesn't judge me at all because of my cavities. He has said that He just wants me to keep my health, dental or other wise, as first priority. My mental health has been and is continuing to be addressed. Now I just have to get the rest of it rolling. I'm glad that I've started it with my teeth. It's long overdue.

A Bit Late

This post is a bit late. It's supposed to be for 05/26 but Master and I were watching this really interesting TV series on Netflix and by the time we finished it it was already midnight. Oh well.

I don't have to work tomorrow. I have a nice four day weekend! Tomorrow I have a dentist appointment. I've had a toothache on and off for a little while now and I know I have cavities and I know I have to start getting them fixed. So yeah, I have an appointment tomorrow. I've put it off for a long time for two reasons. First, I didn't have dental insurance until recently. Second, I am scared of the dentist. Any dentist. This is thanks to butcher of a dentist I had when I was a teenager. I'm not as nervous as I thought I would be about tomorrow. Master says I'm getting better about it.

Other than that we are meeting up with my mother on Saturday. Then on Sunday we are supposed to meet up with SS. She had said earlier in the week that she wanted to get together and we hadn't heard from her since. So Master had me get in contact with her today. She still wants to get together on Sunday. She just doesn't know what we'll be doing. She wants me to call her on Sunday after I get up and we'll basically wing it from there. Master doesn't seem very thrilled about it, but I figure if anything else if He wakes up on Sunday and decides He doesn't want to deal with it we can just cancel. No biggie. We don't have anything going on Monday and I'm hopefully going to keep it that way.

I'm honestly surprised that I'm not tired. I got up at 6am and it's now 12:30am. *shrugs*

Give Me More Money

My two year mark at my job passed in March. I have been ever so patiently waiting for my review. It has now passed the two month mark, so I sent my supervisor and e-mail to see if he had a guesstimate as to when my review would actually take place. He said that he is "hoping" to have my review fully written out by the end of this week. If that in fact happens he said my actual review will be held next week.

Now I've had reviews later than 2 months trust me. And yes, I realize that most reviews at any job are never on time. But it still irritates the living hell out of me. I do my job every day, on time, but my review can't be at least within a month of the actual date. *sigh* It's not like my supervisor doesn't know it's coming up. It's not like he doesn't have time to prepare. My last supervisor was much, much worse though. He at one point took over 9 months to do someone's review. That is fucking insane. I would have been in HR's office after three months had gone by bitching up a storm.

I also know that nothing guarantees a raise. But in the "business" I'm in I know damn well they aren't hurting for money. I won't go into what my place of employment actually does, so please don't ask. All I'll say is that it is not shady and it is not illegal. And no one who works there has never not gotten a raise. It may be a small one because they suck at their job, but they at least get some kind of bump.

Me? I bust my ass. I've taken the initiative to ask for cross training, which my supervisor agreed would be a good idea he just has to time it right so that our trainer isn't overwhelmed. I get that, but hey... I'm the one that brought it up. I've never gotten less than a 3% raise. And 3% is the standard. I'm hoping that my raise is a decent one. If it isn't I'm hoping I have the nerve to ask for more. The worst that can happen is that they say no. But I get so damn nervous about making waves at my job. I don't want to put my job in jeopardy because I asked for more money. I know that's a worst case scenario but it's still one that whispers in my ear from the back of my head.

I want my raise. I know they will back date it, but I want it now. I'm not normally a patient person anyway, but then you throw money in the mix and I'm much worse.

Next week is a four day work week so if what my supervisor said is true it'll be either next Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday or Friday. Here's hoping.