I think that a lot of D/s or M/s couples start out with some format of ritual. I could be way off base on that. But I know that Master and I did. Kneeling at certain times each day without prompting, carrying His drinks a certain way when bringing them to Him, offering my pussy to Him by putting my ass in the air and my face to the ground while He sat in His recliner, crawling everywhere I needed to go in the apartment unless asking for permission first.
But as time passes those things become common place. They aren't as exciting anymore. Even Master grew tired of the same thing all the time, regardless of how attractive He finds me when my ass is in the air. When it happens three times a day every day, it just gets to be... normal. And normal in such situations isn't good. At least not to me or to my Master.
And so now we have two rituals left. One is that on the weekends when He takes His shower I am to kneel outside the bathroom door unless He tells me to just relax or sends me on an errand. I have to admit I prefer to either kneel or be sent on an errand. Master and I were talking about this last night actually. I was saying how it kind of sets the mood for the day on the weekends. During the work week I get up before He does, I get ready and I go on my way to work. I don't fully get to experience His Domination until I get home from work. So on the weekends when I kneel outside the bathroom door while He takes His shower, I feel that I can relax and enjoy starting the day off fully in my submission to Him rather than having to worry about outside influences that are necessary evils.
And as we spoke about such He agreed that He felt the same way. When I'm at work, He knows that I am still His slave and that I am being a good girl, but He doesn't slip fully into His Dominant mood until I get home. But on the weekends He enjoys putting me in my place and putting me through my paces. It's like we're both exercising our muscles that have been denied for most of the week. We can stretch them once I get home from work, but it's a shadow of how we use them during the weekends.
And so as we spoke about such I said that it would be nice to have a reminder similar to the one we have to set the pace for the day on the weekends. And He said He would think about it. In fact tonight when I got home while we waited for dinner to finish cooking, I was of course already undressed. I sat on the floor in front of His chair as I have taken to doing recently to tell Him of my day and just talk. And He said, "Why are you sitting?" and so I quickly corrected myself and knelt up. He had me stay like that until our conversation finished and it was time for dinner. I greatly enjoyed it. I don't know if that's what He has in mind, or if He is going to change it up. But either way I was very happy to do it.
The 2nd ritual we have kept is that once I have done with my bath or shower, regardless of the day of the week I kneel at the side of His recliner until He tells me to relax or tells me to fetch Him something. That happens every night of the week, but it does not get boring. It still pleases both of us and I don't think that one will ever go away.
But that is all we need these days. We now prefer to be more spontaneous. He is now doing more of the snapping of His fingers and pointing at His feet when He wants me to kneel before Him. And it makes my pulse quicken when He does that. That is what I enjoy. The spontaneity and the excitement that comes from it.
My journey through life, love, submission, & pain. Mature & graphic content.
January 31, 2011
January 30, 2011
Reasons
Everyone has their reasons for getting into this lifestyle. Everyone has something they can connect to the types of desires and needs that only this lifestyle can provide.
I, for some reason, feel like sharing mine today. I'm sure I have in the past, since I've been blogging for about 4 years now. But I feel like blogging about it now. So forgive me if this is a repeat post.
When Master and I first started our path in this lifestyle it was mainly just my desire to be man-handled and for rough sex. And I believe that's how it started for Him as well. I am not sure to be honest, on His part.
But for me it was mainly that. I had a desire to be treated roughly during sex, and that is really all it was was bedroom Domination and submission in the beginning. It started in the bedroom and ended once we left it. But as the days turned to weeks, and the weeks into months, He and I started talking about how such things had woken deeper desires in both of us. We started looking into what else might be there that we could explore and enjoy together.
And so that is when the D/s part of our relationship spilled out of the bedroom and into our every day lives. But see at that point we weren't living together yet. So it was an entirely different animal back then. But again before we lived together it went from Dominant and submissive to Master and slave. Owner and property.
We both greatly enjoyed it. And when we first started living together it took quite a bit of getting use to on both our parts. Him to have someone to Dominate at all times, and me not having time where I could do as I wished without seeking permission first. It was a long adjustment period for us both.
And then we added marriage to the mix. Or as we call our marriage license "ownership papers". *smirks* I took His last name and that deepened my desire to please Him.
We hit rough patches when I would cycle through periods of time where I wanted nothing more than to be an extension of His will to where I wanted nothing more than to drop it all and give it all up. And the moment He would verbally release me from my status as His slave I would break down sobbing and begging Him to not allow such to take place. It was all extremely confusing for both of us. He did not understand why I continued these cycles, and neither did I. It was a large part of the reason why I started seeking mental help. And a very good thing I did as I was not so long ago diagnosed as bi-polar and placed on medication for it. The medication has worked wonders and my submission has been in tact since. I now once more only desire to be an extension of His will, and have not since questioned my need to do so. I now realize I had been self destructive, which was also causing great pain to the one I love more than life itself. My mate. My Husband. My Master.
But that is behind us now, and we are moving forward.
These thoughts were going through my mind earlier today and I realized that while I started off with only the desire to have rough sex and take orders while getting fucked, it has grown into something much more complex.
I need Him to be the Alpha. I need to have a man with a will so strong that there really is no option of not obeying Him. I needed that and I have it now. I may not always like His decisions but I have and will not go against His wishes. That is not to say I follow blindly. I have a mind and I have opinions, which Master enjoys hearing and does in fact take into consideration, but the final word is His. And I can only follow from that point forward.
I also have a need to be a part of something greater than myself. And Master and I are a team stronger than any I have ever seen. We are strong apart, but are a force to be reckoned with together. His force and will looping through me and then back to Him. We have this odd way of our energies looping through one another, which by the way is amazing during sex. I am an extension of Him. And because of that my loyalties will always lie with Him as without Him I could no longer be whole. I was not whole before I met Him and could never be whole again without Him with me. And I feel He is the same. He was not whole without me and would not be again if I were not His any longer. We have completed one another on more than just an emotional level. And that unbreakable connection that goes down to the very root of each of us is why I continue this lifestyle and why I am thankful that we started this path so long ago. If we had not dipped our toes in, we would have missed out on so much and would not know how deeply we could really connect. We would not be how we are. We would not be who we are.
And I know that I could not submit to anyone but Him. He may allow others to give orders or to do things to/with me, but I do not submit to them. I submit to His will, and His will alone. I listen to others only because He wishes it.
Some people think that the women who submit to their men are weak. They believe that the women who submit to their men are turning back time to when women did not have a voice, that we are setting back all women. And to that I say this: I would not be as strong of a woman as I am today without having submitted to Him first.
And I will also be bold enough to say this: If your man is not strong enough to dominate you to the point where you wish to submit, to please him, and to follow him, to become an extension of him... you do not have a man. You have a shadow of what a man should be.
I, for some reason, feel like sharing mine today. I'm sure I have in the past, since I've been blogging for about 4 years now. But I feel like blogging about it now. So forgive me if this is a repeat post.
When Master and I first started our path in this lifestyle it was mainly just my desire to be man-handled and for rough sex. And I believe that's how it started for Him as well. I am not sure to be honest, on His part.
But for me it was mainly that. I had a desire to be treated roughly during sex, and that is really all it was was bedroom Domination and submission in the beginning. It started in the bedroom and ended once we left it. But as the days turned to weeks, and the weeks into months, He and I started talking about how such things had woken deeper desires in both of us. We started looking into what else might be there that we could explore and enjoy together.
And so that is when the D/s part of our relationship spilled out of the bedroom and into our every day lives. But see at that point we weren't living together yet. So it was an entirely different animal back then. But again before we lived together it went from Dominant and submissive to Master and slave. Owner and property.
We both greatly enjoyed it. And when we first started living together it took quite a bit of getting use to on both our parts. Him to have someone to Dominate at all times, and me not having time where I could do as I wished without seeking permission first. It was a long adjustment period for us both.
And then we added marriage to the mix. Or as we call our marriage license "ownership papers". *smirks* I took His last name and that deepened my desire to please Him.
We hit rough patches when I would cycle through periods of time where I wanted nothing more than to be an extension of His will to where I wanted nothing more than to drop it all and give it all up. And the moment He would verbally release me from my status as His slave I would break down sobbing and begging Him to not allow such to take place. It was all extremely confusing for both of us. He did not understand why I continued these cycles, and neither did I. It was a large part of the reason why I started seeking mental help. And a very good thing I did as I was not so long ago diagnosed as bi-polar and placed on medication for it. The medication has worked wonders and my submission has been in tact since. I now once more only desire to be an extension of His will, and have not since questioned my need to do so. I now realize I had been self destructive, which was also causing great pain to the one I love more than life itself. My mate. My Husband. My Master.
But that is behind us now, and we are moving forward.
These thoughts were going through my mind earlier today and I realized that while I started off with only the desire to have rough sex and take orders while getting fucked, it has grown into something much more complex.
I need Him to be the Alpha. I need to have a man with a will so strong that there really is no option of not obeying Him. I needed that and I have it now. I may not always like His decisions but I have and will not go against His wishes. That is not to say I follow blindly. I have a mind and I have opinions, which Master enjoys hearing and does in fact take into consideration, but the final word is His. And I can only follow from that point forward.
I also have a need to be a part of something greater than myself. And Master and I are a team stronger than any I have ever seen. We are strong apart, but are a force to be reckoned with together. His force and will looping through me and then back to Him. We have this odd way of our energies looping through one another, which by the way is amazing during sex. I am an extension of Him. And because of that my loyalties will always lie with Him as without Him I could no longer be whole. I was not whole before I met Him and could never be whole again without Him with me. And I feel He is the same. He was not whole without me and would not be again if I were not His any longer. We have completed one another on more than just an emotional level. And that unbreakable connection that goes down to the very root of each of us is why I continue this lifestyle and why I am thankful that we started this path so long ago. If we had not dipped our toes in, we would have missed out on so much and would not know how deeply we could really connect. We would not be how we are. We would not be who we are.
And I know that I could not submit to anyone but Him. He may allow others to give orders or to do things to/with me, but I do not submit to them. I submit to His will, and His will alone. I listen to others only because He wishes it.
Some people think that the women who submit to their men are weak. They believe that the women who submit to their men are turning back time to when women did not have a voice, that we are setting back all women. And to that I say this: I would not be as strong of a woman as I am today without having submitted to Him first.
And I will also be bold enough to say this: If your man is not strong enough to dominate you to the point where you wish to submit, to please him, and to follow him, to become an extension of him... you do not have a man. You have a shadow of what a man should be.
January 28, 2011
Hiding
I know I've posted about how if Master did not have certain restrictions on me I would do other things to modify and/or alter my look.
I had this visual of myself today while I was just kind of day dreaming. My hair was straight (it's naturally curly) and it was raven colored with small dark red streaks in it. I had midnight black eyeliner on with dark red lipstick. I was pale, as I normally am. As my mental picture pulled back I saw what I was wearing. I had on mesh fingerless gloves that went up to my elbows. A black tank top that had rips in it in all the right places, a black mini skirt with a couple of light chains attached to it, mesh knee highs and some killer black heels on. My ink all looked brand new and I had the next one I want already done, and it looked great.
I don't know why but I've always wanted my hair to be raven colored. The streaks don't necessarily have to be in it, but I love raven colored hair and I wish I had it. But Master will a) not allow me to dye my hair and 2) is completely against dying hair black because He did it once when He was younger and hated it.
So that was an interesting flash of a mental picture. Sometimes I just see myself in certain ways that are just... odd. I see myself in ways that I can never be. Just certain things that Master will not allow or that I can not have done because I have to be able to fit into normal society for work purposes. And how sucky is that? Why, just to maintain a good job, do I have to be able to hide that side of myself? Tattoos and piercings do not change my ability to do a job well. However, for some fucked up reason that's how companies see most people. "Oh.. you're tattooed and pierced up one side and down the other... you must not be very responsible."
Sometimes yes, my tattoos show, but not normally. And I don't have piercings in any places that anyone can see unless I'm topless and/or naked. Which isn't a bad thing but I miss my eyebrow ring. I would get it done again in a heartbeat if I could have it in while I was at work at least during the healing period. But I can't. That's one thing I don't understand about my job. You can have your ink showing as long as it's not offensive, but you can't have any visible piercings. What. The. Fuck.
It's like I told Master the other day, when I see pictures of myself where none of my tattoos are showing (like at Christmas at His mother's or whatever) I look and I don't see myself. I mean, I know that's me, but there is nothing showing that I feel helps me express myself. Ink, piercings, etc. Even when I get that forearm tattoo I'll still be able to cover it up. I wish I had something that I couldn't hide no matter what. Something, even if it's small, that I can't cover up. Maybe one day it'll happen, and maybe it won't. I know that there are sometimes where you want to be able to cover up every tattoo and every piercing you have. But I don't really want to have that option anymore. I didn't use to when I had the eyebrow ring. No matter what you could see it, case I never took it out. And I loved it. Master didn't like it at first when He met me, but eventually He actually thought it looked nice.
I don't know where this sudden rekindling of such a desire is coming from. But it's interesting.
I had this visual of myself today while I was just kind of day dreaming. My hair was straight (it's naturally curly) and it was raven colored with small dark red streaks in it. I had midnight black eyeliner on with dark red lipstick. I was pale, as I normally am. As my mental picture pulled back I saw what I was wearing. I had on mesh fingerless gloves that went up to my elbows. A black tank top that had rips in it in all the right places, a black mini skirt with a couple of light chains attached to it, mesh knee highs and some killer black heels on. My ink all looked brand new and I had the next one I want already done, and it looked great.
I don't know why but I've always wanted my hair to be raven colored. The streaks don't necessarily have to be in it, but I love raven colored hair and I wish I had it. But Master will a) not allow me to dye my hair and 2) is completely against dying hair black because He did it once when He was younger and hated it.
So that was an interesting flash of a mental picture. Sometimes I just see myself in certain ways that are just... odd. I see myself in ways that I can never be. Just certain things that Master will not allow or that I can not have done because I have to be able to fit into normal society for work purposes. And how sucky is that? Why, just to maintain a good job, do I have to be able to hide that side of myself? Tattoos and piercings do not change my ability to do a job well. However, for some fucked up reason that's how companies see most people. "Oh.. you're tattooed and pierced up one side and down the other... you must not be very responsible."
Sometimes yes, my tattoos show, but not normally. And I don't have piercings in any places that anyone can see unless I'm topless and/or naked. Which isn't a bad thing but I miss my eyebrow ring. I would get it done again in a heartbeat if I could have it in while I was at work at least during the healing period. But I can't. That's one thing I don't understand about my job. You can have your ink showing as long as it's not offensive, but you can't have any visible piercings. What. The. Fuck.
It's like I told Master the other day, when I see pictures of myself where none of my tattoos are showing (like at Christmas at His mother's or whatever) I look and I don't see myself. I mean, I know that's me, but there is nothing showing that I feel helps me express myself. Ink, piercings, etc. Even when I get that forearm tattoo I'll still be able to cover it up. I wish I had something that I couldn't hide no matter what. Something, even if it's small, that I can't cover up. Maybe one day it'll happen, and maybe it won't. I know that there are sometimes where you want to be able to cover up every tattoo and every piercing you have. But I don't really want to have that option anymore. I didn't use to when I had the eyebrow ring. No matter what you could see it, case I never took it out. And I loved it. Master didn't like it at first when He met me, but eventually He actually thought it looked nice.
I don't know where this sudden rekindling of such a desire is coming from. But it's interesting.
January 27, 2011
Master Makes It All Okay
I had a very shitty day today. I won't go into the whys of it as it all has to do with work, and I hate blogging about that constantly. So let's just stick with I was having a very shitty day.
I was telling Master about it while I was still at work and He immediately tried to start cheering me up. And it didn't take long before I was in a better mood and in a better frame of mind because of it. I apologized to Him for being cranky and He said He understood and that the reason(s) why were completely understandable.
To me this means a few things. First, I was not overreacting. Which is a very good thing. This also means that my medications are working and I'm acting more "rationally". It also meant that I had not overstepped any lines when talking to Him.
So it was Master to the rescue once again today. I can only imagine how much worse my mood would be right now if He hadn't cheered me up and made me laugh. When I get in a bad mood sometimes I have a really hard time getting out of it. Instead I kind of just let it cycle through my mind over and over again, which makes me more and more pissed off. But nine times out of ten He can snap me out of that cycle with a quick joke. And when we're face to face all He has to do is give me a nice long hug and kiss the top of my head and all is right with the world.
I was telling Master about it while I was still at work and He immediately tried to start cheering me up. And it didn't take long before I was in a better mood and in a better frame of mind because of it. I apologized to Him for being cranky and He said He understood and that the reason(s) why were completely understandable.
To me this means a few things. First, I was not overreacting. Which is a very good thing. This also means that my medications are working and I'm acting more "rationally". It also meant that I had not overstepped any lines when talking to Him.
So it was Master to the rescue once again today. I can only imagine how much worse my mood would be right now if He hadn't cheered me up and made me laugh. When I get in a bad mood sometimes I have a really hard time getting out of it. Instead I kind of just let it cycle through my mind over and over again, which makes me more and more pissed off. But nine times out of ten He can snap me out of that cycle with a quick joke. And when we're face to face all He has to do is give me a nice long hug and kiss the top of my head and all is right with the world.
January 26, 2011
Blank Mind
I have no idea what I should blog about. No idea what so ever. I tried my best to not take a muscle relaxer today. And I made it until about 3pm when finally my neck said, "Fuck you, you're taking a pill!"
I was pushing myself a little too far today. But being behind on my work fucks with me a lot. So I was pushing and pushing and pushing until that first familiar twinge of "Oh hell" started up. Then I backed way off, popped a muscle relaxer and a few Advil and waited for the work day to be done.
But these muscle relaxers always make me so damn loopy. And apparently a loopy Kitten does not make for good blog posts.
Master has been incredibly kind and understanding. He has been allowing me to chill a lot. He still tells me when to take my bath and when to do my blog post. But other than that He's mainly just having me relax and rest as much as I can. I don't do well with feeling like I can't live up to my normal expectations. My normal expectations being that I can do a full 8+ hour work day, come home, and do what my Master wants when He wants me to do it without feeling sluggish or just not home at all.
But when I'm not feeling 100% Master is constantly on my tail to make sure I relax and rest. Cause if He didn't do that He knows I would keep pushing myself until I crash.
He takes such good care of me. And I tell Him that all the time when I'm sick or in a lot of pain or my body is just plain fucking with me. And He normally just smiles and tells me that I do the same for Him. Which is true, but that doesn't mean I don't appreciate it when He does such for me.
Not that He doesn't always take good care of me. Because He does, and I take good care of Him all the time as well. But when either of us are unwell in any way the other one steps it up a notch. It's reassuring, and it's a great weight off my shoulders to know that I have someone else I can lean on. No one should have to stand on their own two feet with no one to lean on. Unfortunately I know a lot of people who are in relationships that do. I've been in relationships like that. It's rough, and it's emotionally unsettling. But I don't have to worry about it ever again. Master will always be there for me to lean on, and to take care of me when I need it. Even if I don't know I need it. ;-)
I was pushing myself a little too far today. But being behind on my work fucks with me a lot. So I was pushing and pushing and pushing until that first familiar twinge of "Oh hell" started up. Then I backed way off, popped a muscle relaxer and a few Advil and waited for the work day to be done.
But these muscle relaxers always make me so damn loopy. And apparently a loopy Kitten does not make for good blog posts.
Master has been incredibly kind and understanding. He has been allowing me to chill a lot. He still tells me when to take my bath and when to do my blog post. But other than that He's mainly just having me relax and rest as much as I can. I don't do well with feeling like I can't live up to my normal expectations. My normal expectations being that I can do a full 8+ hour work day, come home, and do what my Master wants when He wants me to do it without feeling sluggish or just not home at all.
But when I'm not feeling 100% Master is constantly on my tail to make sure I relax and rest. Cause if He didn't do that He knows I would keep pushing myself until I crash.
He takes such good care of me. And I tell Him that all the time when I'm sick or in a lot of pain or my body is just plain fucking with me. And He normally just smiles and tells me that I do the same for Him. Which is true, but that doesn't mean I don't appreciate it when He does such for me.
Not that He doesn't always take good care of me. Because He does, and I take good care of Him all the time as well. But when either of us are unwell in any way the other one steps it up a notch. It's reassuring, and it's a great weight off my shoulders to know that I have someone else I can lean on. No one should have to stand on their own two feet with no one to lean on. Unfortunately I know a lot of people who are in relationships that do. I've been in relationships like that. It's rough, and it's emotionally unsettling. But I don't have to worry about it ever again. Master will always be there for me to lean on, and to take care of me when I need it. Even if I don't know I need it. ;-)
January 25, 2011
Just This Once...
Okay, I know I said I wouldn't post about work. Or did I say I wouldn't post about it very often? Either way, I don't want to post about work very often on my blog because there are better topics to focus on. However, I'm going to post about work today. It kinda ties into the whole emergency trip thing.
Okay so I went to work this morning. I woke up feeling fine, that is until the car ride to work. Since the interstate is under construction (when isn't it?) it's not a very smooth ride in certain parts. And so by the time I got to work my neck was kind of pissed off at me. So I took a muscle relaxer and sent an e-mail to my supervisor asking when would be a good time to come and talk to him. He replied almost immediately saying that he was free now.
I was a bit nervous. I've never admitted to anyone I've ever worked with or for that I have fibromyalgia. I know it's not a big deal and it's not something to be embarrassed about. But normally I figure it's no one's business. But this time it was. So I went into his office and handed him not only the note for work from the ER doctor, but also a list of medications that I was prescribed and I showed him the other paperwork I took home from the ER. Basically I brought everything with me except for the bracelets they make you wear when you're checked in to the ER. He looked genuinely concerned, and said that he understood why I didn't come to work yesterday. Hell he was even trying to help me figure out how to make up the hours in the quickest way possible. He's a great supervisor.
He said he would talk to HR for me regarding this since it's ultimately up to them if it counts as a valid "excuse" for going over my personal time/vacation time without being written up. (Basically if you go to the ER because of alcohol poisoning cause your dumbass got drunk the night before work... yeah.. that's probably not going to fly.)
About a half hour later HR sends me an e-mail asking me to come to her office. So I go. She said that there will be no disciplinary actions what so ever, but that I still had to make up the time. She then told me that if I get a primary care physician (which I already planned on doing) and I could get them to sign a FMLA form then if this kind of thing happens in the future and the doctor agrees that it was necessary for me to not be at work then it won't count against my personal time or my vacation time and I won't have to make up the hours unless I want to. So I'll be looking for a primary physician soon. Not just because of stuff like this, but because I should do it anyway. That way I can go to a regular doctor for my fibromyalgia rather than the emergency room when it gets to the point that I just can't move without crying.
So I do have to say that I have a great job. Very understanding, very supportive. I genuinely enjoy working there, even if I wouldn't mind an extra day off or two here and there. ;-)
I think that's part of the reason why I freak out when I make a mistake or can't easily keep up with my work. 1) I've never been fired from a job. 2) I've never been written up at a job. 3) I really like my job a lot. 4) I really fucking need my paycheck.
So it looks like since I take the carpool to and from work I'll just have to clock in as early as I can based on what time my ride gets me there, cut my lunches as short as possible, and then probably have to work the rest of it off on Saturday. Which sucks, but it couldn't be helped really.
As far as why "Marriage" is tagged in this post?
My Husband fucking rocks. That's why. He checked in on me a few times throughout the day. He even offered to drive out the pain meds I left at home. (I brought the muscle relaxers and the nasuea pills with me.) That's a 45 minute drive just to bring me pills. I told Him I'd be okay and that I was taking Advil at work and would be fine. I also promised that if it got too bad I would tell Him. But mainly I was just drowsy most of the day. And a bit stressed because I had so much work on my desk when I got there. And as soon as I got something done, something else was placed on my desk to replace it. I got more done than I expected to. But I hate being behind at work. I pride myself on staying on top of my work flow. So this is driving me nuts. I'm hoping that I get to work a bit sooner tomorrow but I can't force the carpool to leave any sooner than they want to. So I'll just do my best and keep doing my best. By the end of Saturday (which I'm assuming I have to work) I'll be caught up. I won't leave until my work flow is right where it should be so I can start Monday with a clean slate.
Okay so I went to work this morning. I woke up feeling fine, that is until the car ride to work. Since the interstate is under construction (when isn't it?) it's not a very smooth ride in certain parts. And so by the time I got to work my neck was kind of pissed off at me. So I took a muscle relaxer and sent an e-mail to my supervisor asking when would be a good time to come and talk to him. He replied almost immediately saying that he was free now.
I was a bit nervous. I've never admitted to anyone I've ever worked with or for that I have fibromyalgia. I know it's not a big deal and it's not something to be embarrassed about. But normally I figure it's no one's business. But this time it was. So I went into his office and handed him not only the note for work from the ER doctor, but also a list of medications that I was prescribed and I showed him the other paperwork I took home from the ER. Basically I brought everything with me except for the bracelets they make you wear when you're checked in to the ER. He looked genuinely concerned, and said that he understood why I didn't come to work yesterday. Hell he was even trying to help me figure out how to make up the hours in the quickest way possible. He's a great supervisor.
He said he would talk to HR for me regarding this since it's ultimately up to them if it counts as a valid "excuse" for going over my personal time/vacation time without being written up. (Basically if you go to the ER because of alcohol poisoning cause your dumbass got drunk the night before work... yeah.. that's probably not going to fly.)
About a half hour later HR sends me an e-mail asking me to come to her office. So I go. She said that there will be no disciplinary actions what so ever, but that I still had to make up the time. She then told me that if I get a primary care physician (which I already planned on doing) and I could get them to sign a FMLA form then if this kind of thing happens in the future and the doctor agrees that it was necessary for me to not be at work then it won't count against my personal time or my vacation time and I won't have to make up the hours unless I want to. So I'll be looking for a primary physician soon. Not just because of stuff like this, but because I should do it anyway. That way I can go to a regular doctor for my fibromyalgia rather than the emergency room when it gets to the point that I just can't move without crying.
So I do have to say that I have a great job. Very understanding, very supportive. I genuinely enjoy working there, even if I wouldn't mind an extra day off or two here and there. ;-)
I think that's part of the reason why I freak out when I make a mistake or can't easily keep up with my work. 1) I've never been fired from a job. 2) I've never been written up at a job. 3) I really like my job a lot. 4) I really fucking need my paycheck.
So it looks like since I take the carpool to and from work I'll just have to clock in as early as I can based on what time my ride gets me there, cut my lunches as short as possible, and then probably have to work the rest of it off on Saturday. Which sucks, but it couldn't be helped really.
As far as why "Marriage" is tagged in this post?
My Husband fucking rocks. That's why. He checked in on me a few times throughout the day. He even offered to drive out the pain meds I left at home. (I brought the muscle relaxers and the nasuea pills with me.) That's a 45 minute drive just to bring me pills. I told Him I'd be okay and that I was taking Advil at work and would be fine. I also promised that if it got too bad I would tell Him. But mainly I was just drowsy most of the day. And a bit stressed because I had so much work on my desk when I got there. And as soon as I got something done, something else was placed on my desk to replace it. I got more done than I expected to. But I hate being behind at work. I pride myself on staying on top of my work flow. So this is driving me nuts. I'm hoping that I get to work a bit sooner tomorrow but I can't force the carpool to leave any sooner than they want to. So I'll just do my best and keep doing my best. By the end of Saturday (which I'm assuming I have to work) I'll be caught up. I won't leave until my work flow is right where it should be so I can start Monday with a clean slate.
January 24, 2011
Update
Forgive me if this post is kind of short.
This is an update regarding the post I did yesterday. As the night went on my neck just got worse. There was even a point where I was doing nothing but laying down on the couch and I cried from the pain. That's when Master said that we might need to go to the emergency room. He knows I have a high pain tolerance, so when something like that (meaning pain He isn't causing directly.. lol) makes me cry He knows it's really bad.
I told Him I wanted to try to wait it out. I didn't have enough to pay the copay for an emergency room visit. My other copays for like an office visit or medication are extremely affordable. But for an emergency room visit it's $100.00 and we didn't have that right now.
But eventually I broke down and called the hospital. I explained the situation and they said that I have the option to pay it up front, otherwise they will just bill it to me. So I looked at Master, told Him this, and said that I think we should go in.
We left around 10pm and getting checked in didn't take long. They took my blood pressure and my temp like they always do. Then they asked for my medication allergies and what medications I'm on. Then, as always, they asked me if I feel threatened by anyone in my home or if I'm being abused in any way. I of course said no. But I find it irritating that I even get asked that question. I realize that these days they always ask that question when a female gets checked in. At least around here, but I figure if that's happening hopefully the woman in question would tell a doctor and/or nurse about that. But I know a lot of woman can't or won't.
So then I wait for a room. About 10 minutes later I get put in a room and lay down on the hospital bed. That's when the actual waiting started. About 15 minutes after that a nurse came in and made sure my information was up to date and get my insurance information. After that it felt like forever. My neck was throbbing and when I'm pain like that my eyes get extremely light sensitive. And it's bright in hospitals. So I laid there with my eyes closed until the doctor came in. She was really nice, and very attentive. I wish I could have her as a primary care physician. That's how much I liked her. Master was even pleased with how she handled me. And He is very protective of me normally, multiply that times 10 when I'm sick or in a lot of pain. It was the first time that when it came time to tell the doctor what medical conditions I have that I had to say I'm bi-polar. But she didn't even blink. She just wrote it down and smiled at me.
After she was done with her examination she decided not to give me a shot like most doctors used to give me. Nope. She gave me three pills and three prescriptions for the next week. She also wrote me a note to take to work asking them to excuse me from work today (Monday). She told me that I needed to at least give my neck one more day to try and mend itself a bit rather than just masking it with medication, and that sitting at a computer for 8+ hours in a day was not going to help.
We got home around 1am and the medication had me really loopy. So Master had me go to bed.
This morning I got up when the alarm went off. I called my supervisor at work and explained that I had to go to the emergency room last night and that the doctor had given me a note for work and that I could explain it a lot better to him in person tomorrow. He said it was okay and to try to feel better. He's a great supervisor.
I know I'll probably have to make up the hours at work though. So I have a feeling I'm going to be working on Saturday, but there wasn't much to be done about it. After that I went to Walgreens and filled my prescriptions. One was for pain, the other for a muscle relaxer, and the last one for nausea since the pain makes me nauseous and the pills can as well.
But I just want to end this post saying how great my Husband is. He absolutely hates hospitals. He loathes them so much that He gets tense just being in one. But He came with me to make sure I was properly taken care of and because He was worried about me. He loves me a lot. I am grateful for how supportive He is.
This is an update regarding the post I did yesterday. As the night went on my neck just got worse. There was even a point where I was doing nothing but laying down on the couch and I cried from the pain. That's when Master said that we might need to go to the emergency room. He knows I have a high pain tolerance, so when something like that (meaning pain He isn't causing directly.. lol) makes me cry He knows it's really bad.
I told Him I wanted to try to wait it out. I didn't have enough to pay the copay for an emergency room visit. My other copays for like an office visit or medication are extremely affordable. But for an emergency room visit it's $100.00 and we didn't have that right now.
But eventually I broke down and called the hospital. I explained the situation and they said that I have the option to pay it up front, otherwise they will just bill it to me. So I looked at Master, told Him this, and said that I think we should go in.
We left around 10pm and getting checked in didn't take long. They took my blood pressure and my temp like they always do. Then they asked for my medication allergies and what medications I'm on. Then, as always, they asked me if I feel threatened by anyone in my home or if I'm being abused in any way. I of course said no. But I find it irritating that I even get asked that question. I realize that these days they always ask that question when a female gets checked in. At least around here, but I figure if that's happening hopefully the woman in question would tell a doctor and/or nurse about that. But I know a lot of woman can't or won't.
So then I wait for a room. About 10 minutes later I get put in a room and lay down on the hospital bed. That's when the actual waiting started. About 15 minutes after that a nurse came in and made sure my information was up to date and get my insurance information. After that it felt like forever. My neck was throbbing and when I'm pain like that my eyes get extremely light sensitive. And it's bright in hospitals. So I laid there with my eyes closed until the doctor came in. She was really nice, and very attentive. I wish I could have her as a primary care physician. That's how much I liked her. Master was even pleased with how she handled me. And He is very protective of me normally, multiply that times 10 when I'm sick or in a lot of pain. It was the first time that when it came time to tell the doctor what medical conditions I have that I had to say I'm bi-polar. But she didn't even blink. She just wrote it down and smiled at me.
After she was done with her examination she decided not to give me a shot like most doctors used to give me. Nope. She gave me three pills and three prescriptions for the next week. She also wrote me a note to take to work asking them to excuse me from work today (Monday). She told me that I needed to at least give my neck one more day to try and mend itself a bit rather than just masking it with medication, and that sitting at a computer for 8+ hours in a day was not going to help.
We got home around 1am and the medication had me really loopy. So Master had me go to bed.
This morning I got up when the alarm went off. I called my supervisor at work and explained that I had to go to the emergency room last night and that the doctor had given me a note for work and that I could explain it a lot better to him in person tomorrow. He said it was okay and to try to feel better. He's a great supervisor.
I know I'll probably have to make up the hours at work though. So I have a feeling I'm going to be working on Saturday, but there wasn't much to be done about it. After that I went to Walgreens and filled my prescriptions. One was for pain, the other for a muscle relaxer, and the last one for nausea since the pain makes me nauseous and the pills can as well.
But I just want to end this post saying how great my Husband is. He absolutely hates hospitals. He loathes them so much that He gets tense just being in one. But He came with me to make sure I was properly taken care of and because He was worried about me. He loves me a lot. I am grateful for how supportive He is.