Going For Walks

This post will probably show up as late since I'm starting it just before midnight. This is supposed to be my 06/13/14 post. I was sitting there watching TV with Master when suddenly my blog ran through my mind and I wasn't sure if a post was due on the 13th of the 14th. I looked and it was in fact due for the 13th. My days are running together. I've also been sleeping more during the day. I think it's stress and emotions. I took a nap for no reason yesterday and another unnecessary nap today. I wasn't even tired. I just drifted off for some reason. I hate that. I'm chalking it up to stress and high emotions. *shrugs* Not sure what else it could be.

I wanted to do a post about our pup today. Why? Because today something amazing happened! Okay, maybe it's not amazing but it's still pretty awesome. *laughs*

About two days ago we took him into the vet clinic to get his rabies shot and to test for heart worms. Thankfully he only needs to get his rabies shot once every three years. He is always such a sweet but hyper mutt and going to the vet clinic is no different. Our vet really likes him and treats him very well. As usual the shot and the blood test went smoothly. The results came back that he was heart worm free so we could proceed with giving him his monthly dose of heart worm prevention pills.

Like I said our dog can be very hyper. He's a good dog but when it comes to talking him for walks he pulls like there is no tomorrow. We had purchased a training collar, other wise known as a choke chain, and his pulling went down a little bit but not much. (To clarify I do not mean the pinch collar. I hate those and refuse to use them. However, the "choke chain" is something all of Master's dogs have had and He feels they are more reliable, as far as not breaking, rather than a typical collar. Our dog still wears a typical collar which his tags are attached to.)

As a result, Master had to take him out to the car while I paid the bill so he wouldn't be trying to drag Master all over the office. Our dog is almost as tall as me when he's standing on his hind legs and weighs about 67lbs. He is very strong.

As I was paying the bill and waiting for the receptionist to give me the new rabies tag and certificate the vet himself was standing there finishing up our dog's paperwork. The receptionist and I were joking around a bit about how our dog is so happy and hyper all the time. That's when the vet popped in and suggested a head collar. He said that our mutt should be a lot easier to handle during walks and better behaved when we take him to the vet or to a store.

Aside from pulling our dog is very well behaved. But he's 5 years old and has always pulled. Always.

After we got home from the vet visit I talked to Master about it a little bit and He told me to look into it. I did some research on it and found that the best place to go would be to Petco.

Anyway, today we decided that since he just had his rabies shot booster done we could take him to the store and look for a head collar. The most talked about one one the internet was the Halti head collar. As a result that is what I looked for first. I found it but Master pointed out the Gentle Leader head collar. It stuck out more because rather than just a size, it came with a weight recommendation. Since he is a bigger dog we feel better whenever we see a weight recommendation on the package. We also didn't have to try it on the mutt since it was fully adjustable. Awesome.

We went home and I was a little surprised at the instruction booklet that came with it. At first I was thinking that this was going to be way too complicated just because of how many steps were listed. But once I read through them all it was actually pretty simple once I got it fitted properly. From now on putting it on him will be easier.

As soon as we were sure that it was on and sized correctly we took him for a walk. Of course at first all our dog wanted to do was wipe his face with his paws to try and get it off. It didn't hurt him or anything, he just didn't like the way it felt. It allows his mouth to open and close all the way. It isn't a muzzle. But once we got on with the walk it was amazing how well behaved he was. Rather than trying to pull ahead he walked at our sides.

It has been a long time since I've actually been able to walk our dog. He weighs about half as much as I do and he's muscular. I could take him out to use the bathroom and take him in and out of the car with no problem but during an actual walk I wasn't able to comfortably control him.

But this time once our dog got a little more use to the head collar I was able to take the leash and walk him with absolutely no problem. It was awesome! I am very glad that we took the vet's advice!

Now, to get our dog use to the head collar, Master wants it put on every time we take him outside. There is the hope that we won't have to put it on him after quite some time (Master said about a year) of having it on but I have a feeling that once the dog knows it's not on he'll go right back to pulling. Only time will tell. For right now it was worth every penny and we've only had it one day.

I'm only raving about it because it was so nice to be able to walk our dog myself rather than just walking beside Master while He held the leash.

Nothing But Bad News

Today just hasn't been a day for good news.

I got an e-mail today in regards to the 911 job I had applied to back in March. I had taken another one of their tests last week and I honestly thought I had done really well. Apparently it wasn't good enough. The e-mail informed me that I basically did not have a high enough score to move on with the hiring process. I was honestly very upset. I mean I applied to this job back in March and I had taken two tests for it. I rocked out on the data entry test and then I moved on to the mock call center test I took. Granted it wasn't just a mock call center test but still. I honestly thought I did well. I really wanted that job. It pays really well and it was in the area we are looking to move to. It would have been perfect. I cried a little bit when I got the e-mail. But Master told me I have done really well but others did better and since they are only looking to fill five positions I was cut from the process. I wasn't told what my score was. Obviously I've been applying to other jobs this entire time but it was still a pretty big let down.

I did get a lead on a job from a friend of ours that we haven't talked to in a long time because he moved out of state. He works for a company and he is a remote customer service rep, meaning he works from home. He had just found out that they were hiring so he told me about it and gave me the link to apply. I did so immediately. It would be nice to work from home. And at least I already know it's legit since our friend works for them and has for some time now. Maybe it'll go somewhere.

The other bad news is that I got an update on my grandfather today. Getting updates isn't a bad thing but the information I got this time is bad. He is constantly talking about how he's going to float up and see his wife. He is so beyond ready to go. His body just isn't letting the ghost go.

He is getting more combative. They have had to drug him several times, with my father's permission, to calm him down. Other wise they risked him hurting himself or others. It was basically either that or restraining him. They were also worried that if they restrained him he would harm himself. As a result drugging him was the safest option.

He isn't recognizing most people now. And if he does it's only for a very brief moment. And for the past two days people have shown up to visit and he has refused to see them. He is also cussing everyone out and screaming at them. Apparently he is refusing all of his medication and the nurses can't give him his insulin because he isn't eating.

According to the doctor his being combative is pretty normal given that his brain isn't getting all of the blood and oxygen it is supposed to get.

All of us are just wishing that he wasn't suffering anymore. We all feel horrible for saying it only because we know that would mean he would be gone. But... I don't know. We don't want him to suffer. It's killing us to see him go through all of this and not be able to do anything to help him. His DNR prohibits basically anything we could do. And honestly we are all extremely surprised he has made it this far. His soul wants to go but his body is keeping him trapped here.

A Very Long Time

The other night Master did something that He doesn't in a long time. I had just gotten off from Him eating me out and He was kneeling up on the bed. He had grabbed my neck and maneuvered me so that I was laying in between His legs with His cock right in front of my mouth.

He gathered up my hair so that it wouldn't fall into my face. At first He allowed me to pick the pace and decide how far down my head went. I had to work saliva around in my mouth as I was still out of breath and my mouth was dry. As a result it took me a little while to be able to get my mouth more than half way down His shaft comfortably.

He leaned back a little and I believe He was looking down, watching. I couldn't tell as I wasn't looking up but it was just one of those feelings. You know, like someone is watching you. I could be wrong.

I would slow down and then pick up the pace every now and then. He would growl and moan. I slowly pulled my head back until His cock was fully out of my mouth so that I could work my tongue around the head of it before quickly and rather suddenly taking it back into my mouth causing Him to grip my hair even tighter.

Eventually though He rather suddenly put His free hand, the hand that wasn't holding my hair, on top of my head. He wasn't forceful about it. He was only putting a small amount of pressure so that I wouldn't pull my head up. I wasn't sure what He wanted me to do so I just stayed still. My mouth was about half way down the length of His cock. I applied a little bit of pressure with my tongue and He moaned.

I'm glad I stayed still. I think that is what He wanted as shortly there after He started fucking my mouth. It was slow long strokes. Every time I felt Him pushing forward I relaxed my throat as much as possible so that I wouldn't gag. I can normally control my gag reflex pretty well, but no one is perfect. This time I didn't have an issue at all.

He only used His hips though. He didn't push down on my head although He kept His hand there. I knew that if it was absolutely necessary that I could just tap on His leg and He would allow me to lift my head. I only do that if I am gagging or I can't breathe. I'm glad that I didn't have those problems this time.

I greatly enjoyed it. Every time His balls touched my chin I moaned a little. He wasn't just fucking my mouth, He was going balls deep into it. I was beginning to think He was going to continue to do that until He came but that wasn't the case. After a little while He pulled my head up and quickly put me on all fours. He fucked me roughly to the point where we were both panting after we were done.

Like I said, it has been a very long time since He has done that. I'm glad He did. I had missed it.

Never

This... well... it's a very odd subject. And some people may think I'm an absolutely horrible person for posting it. That's up to you. Either way I'm being honest about it.

I heard a song in the car today that I hadn't heard before. It's by Bobaflex which isn't really a band I care for. But the song was called "I'm Glad You're Dead". I know that sounds like a horrible song title but ya know what.. there is truth to it in certain situations. Obviously when my grandfather passes the lyrics to the song will not apply to him. But ya know what? It does apply in certain other situations.

I had a cousin that when I found out he had died I was actually happy about it. He was a creep. And by creep I mean it in every sense of the word. When I was younger he had actually tried groping me. By younger I mean I was barely 12 years old. He had died from an accidental overdose and the first thought it my head was, "Serves him right."

There is a saying that you should never speak ill of the dead and honestly that saying pisses me off. Just because you have passed away does not automatically make you a saint. It doesn't clean your slate. If you were a horrible person in life when you die it doesn't mean that suddenly no one can speak bad about you. The fact that you are no longer breathing.

There is another person who I was happy to hear about their passing. It was a whore of a woman that continuously bounced between dating my uncle and a cousin of mine. One family get together she would show up with my uncle and then the next she would show up with my cousin. (Not the cousin I was referring to earlier.) Whoever had more money at the time is the one she went with. And after my cousin moved out of state she just continued to date my uncle. Then after my grandmother passed away she basically stayed with him until his inheritance money ran out. When she died I was again happy about it.

I've said such things to people in the past and some people agree while others look like I took a brick and smacked them in the face with it. Not because they knew these people but because they are dead and I shouldn't talk about them like that.

When I die I don't expect to be thought of as a saint because I'm not. But I'm also not a horrible person. There will people who miss me and I'm sure there will be people who won't care. *shrugs* It's just how things go.

As I've said I never understood and cannot stand that whole "Never speak ill of the dead" saying. Sorry. I'm not going to follow that little "rule". Someone explained to me that the saying exists because they aren't here to defend themselves. I laughed when they told me that, more so because this particular person is one who talks about everyone behind their backs. So, it's okay to do it while they are breathing but not after the fact? I don't think so.

Testing

Last night I tried really hard to go to sleep at a half way decent time. But since being unemployed I've actually been going to bed between 3am and 4am. As a result it was a bit difficult. I went to bed at about 2:30am and I took a benadryl to help make me drowsy, which thankfully helped.

I got up at 7:20am this morning. I had that 911 mock call center test today at 9am. I left extremely early because I didn't know how much construction was going on and where exactly it would be. Wisconsin has two seasons. Winter and Construction. I got there a good 45 minutes early but it took a little while to find parking. The shitty thing was that all the street parking available was either for 30 minutes or 1 hour. According to the e-mail in regards to the test it could take up to 2 1/2 hours. Fuck. So I had to go to a parking structure and pay for it. The last thing I needed was to be at the public safety building for a job test and get a parking ticket. The public safety building is basically the cop shop which is directly across the street from the jail and directly behind the court house.

I was the only one dressed nice. All of the other people there were in jeans. I realize that it is only a test and not an actual interview but at the same time I'd rather dress nice for it since it is for a job.

They started the testing a half hour late because they were having computer issues. They had originally said they weren't even sure whether or not they would be able to do the testing today due to the computer issues but that if we were willing to stick around they would see if they could get it working. Well, hell. I drove almost a hour to get down here so hell yeah I'm sticking around.

It was a relief that they were still able to do it.

Before the test started they said that they had originally started out with 275 applicants and that they were now down to 50. After this test it will obviously be less than that. They are looking to fill five positions. Hopefully I'll pass this test and get through the other two steps and get one of those five positions.

The part that sucked is that they couldn't answer any questions we might have in regards to the test itself. Thankfully I had studied the information they provided via e-mail. But even then there were three sections of the test that weren't mentioned in the e-mail at all. I think I did well.

They said that they don't give the results right away and that if we don't receive an e-mail within a week to feel free to contact the HR person. I have her e-mail so if I don't hear anything by next week Thursday I'll shoot her an e-mail politely asking for an update.

I was really tired by the time I got home so after I did more job searches and applied to a few more jobs I ended up taking a nap. When I woke up we took the mutt for a walk. Now later on tonight after the animals are taken care of I'll be doing laundry. I don't mind doing laundry but I hate the fact that the dryer doesn't get everything dry unless you send it through two to three cycles. I'm sure it does that just so you pump more quarters into it.

Honest With Myself

I just want to add a quick disclaimer here... This post has nothing at all to do with something Master has done and/or said to make me feel this way. This is all me.

There, with that being said, I can continue with the post. I use to be very tone. I didn't have a six pack or anything but I was very tone. The most tone I'd been since meeting Master was when I was stripping. Trust me, that's one hell of a work out. It makes me wish that I could afford to take a pole dancing work out classes, but I can't. It's not exactly cheap. I've looked into it in the past. Hell I even considered just taking belly dancing classes. Not so much to learn how to belly dance but just for a work out. Again, too expensive although cheaper than the pole dancing classes. Even when I was working full time it was out of reach, so you can imagine how out of reach it is now.

Since I hadn't been able to afford it I use to just work out at home a bit. Nothing big. But I stopped at some point. I don't really remember when I stopped or why. I just did. I was never really as tone as I was when I was stripping but it was better than nothing.

Like I said I'm not sure why I stopped. Now, I'm not saying that I'm fat or anything along those lines. I wouldn't say I've "let myself go", but I'm also not toned. Granted Master is constantly commenting on how tiny I am. Not in a bad way.

But it's mainly my stomach. I don't know why but I've always had issue with my stomach. I've never been fat but I've never really been satisfied with how it looks. There have been times lately, that during sex if I'm bent in such a way I will, for just a very brief moment, think of how it feels and worry that it doesn't look attractive in that position. As I said it is nothing that Master has said or done. He has never made me feel unattractive in any way shape or form.

And this is seriously the first time I've been this honest with myself about it. Yes, I've noticed it at moments but I've never really done anything about it. I hate myself for that. Finally yesterday while I was reading a book on the couch I had my legs up on the couch, with my knees bent, and was resting the book on my legs. And once I reached a slow point in the book I again had the realization that I didn't like how my stomach felt. Not looked. Felt. So I quickly put the book down and told Master that I was going into the bedroom to work out a little bit. He looked at me somewhat oddly. I told Him that it would be easier to do in the bedroom because I could shut the door and the dog wouldn't bother me.

Which is true. It's a pain in the ass to try and do that when the dog wants to bother you or lay next to you because you're on the floor. But I also feel a little embarrassed when I'm working out. As if I'm not attractive while doing so. I think that stems from the fact that I am doing it because I don't always feel that attractive.

I guess I still have some form of self image issues. Not as bad as they were when I first met Him. And they my own issue. It's something I put on myself and not something or someone that is making me feel that way.

I went into the bedroom, closed the door, and did leg lifts, crunches, squats, side leg lifts, and that bicycle movement with my legs. It didn't take me long as I have to admit I couldn't do that many reps of any of them, which actually made me feel worse. I feel as if I've let myself get too far out of shape.

This morning my ribs were a bit sore. I'm pretty sure that is from the crunches. I also felt a little burn in my thighs. But this actually made me feel a little better. It means that I actually did something. I wouldn't be sore if I hadn't actually worked out, which means that I had done better than I originally thought I did. At least that's how I'm seeing it.

I also know that as I get older it won't be as easy to get back into shape, so I need to start now and just do upkeep as I get to where I want to be.

Before I worked out yesterday Master and I had ventured out to run and errand and even though we were only doing one quick stop and would be home in no time flat I still wanted to try and feel attractive and look nice for Him. It wasn't much. All I did was put on a dress and some wedge sandals that I recently got. I do want to get more dresses and some more tank tops and at least a couple of pair of fabric shorts but I need money to do that.

Not that long ago He did mention that I'm not wearing my lingerie very frequently. I know He wants me to correct that. I wonder if maybe part of the reason I had been subconsciously avoiding it is due to the fact that I realized how unhappy I am with my stomach. 

Wow. I'm being more honest with myself than I realized. It didn't really all hit me until I started typing out this post. And I also know that I had been ignoring all of this about myself and it didn't really realize it until yesterday while I was reading, as I described above.

So I'm making promise to myself that I'll continue to work out at home. It may not be much but it's better than nothing. I know I won't see instant results but at least I'll know that I'm trying. And eventually I'll get to the point where I'll be able to do more reps of each thing and feel better about it. I do know that I would like to continue doing it all in the bedroom with the door shut. I don't think Master will take issue with that.

Headaches & Positive Thoughts

I've been popping Tylenol like fucking candy for the past three or four days now. If it's not something with my back, it's something with my shoulders, if it's not either of those it's my damn head. Currently, it's my head. The weather has been up and down. The pressure is making my head pound. It was cool enough that we didn't even really need a fan on for most of last week and then finally last night we took the fan out of the bedroom and put it out here, which worked fine. But tonight? Tonight we had to actually turn the air conditioner on. I didn't think we'd have to do that for a while. But I don't need Master or our dog getting sick from being overheated. And when I'm feeling hot I know damn well He and the dog are roasting. We all feel a lot better after turning it on. In fact I'm a bit chilled but Master and the dog are very comfortable and that's all that matters.

Ever since we got the paracord bracelets and I realized how comfortable they are and how inexpensive they actually are, I've decided that we are going to give them out as holiday presents this year. At least to most people. I know that a few people in our families won't want them. But hey, then again they have paracord key chains too.. So ya know what? That's what people are getting. Paracord.

Every year we pretty much get all of the adults the same thing. This past year it was tins with candy in them and the year before that it was coffee mugs. It's just really easy to do and makes the whole process a lot less stressful. Master was making fun of me about it because it's only June and here I am talking about holiday presents. *laughs*

*shrugs* At least it's a plan. And I honestly don't know why the hell it popped into my head.

Onto a completely unrelated topic...

I'm going to have to figure out when I'll need to refill my prescription. I'm getting them through the manufacturer right now since I am unemployed and don't have insurance. They sent me a three month supply and I'm eligible for six months worth. I'll have to call them and find out how that process works. I don't know how long it takes them to send it out and I sure in the hell can't run out before I get the next order in. They'll have to send it to my shrink's office so it'll be a two step procedure. They ship it to them and then my shrink lets me know they receive it. After that I have to haul my tail in there to pick them up. I have plenty of time right now, but I just want to make sure I stay on top of it. I'll give them a call sometime tomorrow to see what happens from here.

I also have that test on Thursday for the 911 position I had applied to back in March. This will be the second test. I passed the first one, which was a data entry test. This one is a mock call center test. I know that there are at least three more steps after this one, should I pass it, and I'm really hoping it picks up soon and that I get the job. I need a job as soon as possible and unfortunately I just haven't landed one yet. I'm hoping this pans out... I am also hoping it pans out soon. Everyone I know is wishing me luck and telling me that I'll do great and to not stress myself out. The most common advice I've received is to just relax and focus. Damn good advice if you ask me.

I'm still applying like crazy to other places, trust me. I don't really know why I'm not getting calls back. I have a 100% steady job history. This is the first time I've been unemployed except for when I was going to college.

But there are also how many other people applying to the exact same jobs? There are a lot of people looking for work and every employer has a shit ton of resumes and applications to sift through and can pick and choose from there.

Something has to give. I'm not panicking yet, which actually is pretty fucking amazing given how my mind works. I'm trying to stay as positive as possible or I'll be a jumbled mess curled up in the fetus position in a dark corner.