Collections

I have attempted collecting things over the years. I have a small collection of wolf figurines/statues but that's really the only thing that has a theme to it. And even with that there aren't many wolf figurines or statues that I think actually look good. So that collection is pretty much how it's going to stay. I also have a small collection of stuffed animals, but they are a range of different animals. I had a medium sized collection of porcelain dolls and porcelain masks when I was a preteen.

As I said I've attempted collecting things over the years. And sometimes Master picks on me about it because I'll have a collection for a short period of time and then get tired of it or just completely lose interest and then I get rid of it. So I had pretty much given up on having any kind of collection.

But today I was browsing the web and came across something that I thought was awesome. Master thinks it's stupid and picked on me about it. *laughs* Hey, we can't agree on everything.

It caught my eye because my nickname from my parents is Monkey. I also love skulls/skeletons/etc. Hell, my dad gave us a skeleton couple sitting on a bench that says "Love Never Dies". It's awesome. Master loves it too. I only found the picture online so I looked into a bit more and apparently there is an entire line of figurines. They are called Furrybones. They have all kinds and I think they're pretty cute. I mentioned to Master how I wouldn't mind collecting them. He rolled His eyes. Like I said He doesn't care from them. Does that mean He would forbid me from buying them? No. I hardly ever spend money on myself so I think He's a little surprised that I'm even considering it. They aren't terribly expensive either. In fact, to me, they are pretty cheap as far as prices go.

Obviously since I don't have a job right now I am not going to buy them. But I bookmarked the site and will wait to see, when we have money, if I still find them interesting enough to buy any. I don't know why but I wanted to do a post about it. Most likely because Master was picking on me about never keeping a collection going. He's right. It's not like I can say He's making that part up. But honestly part of the reason I've never really kept up on a collection is because I don't spend money on myself. I always wanted to spend it on Him. But since these aren't all that expensive I don't think I'd have as much of a problem with it. Buy one or two here and there and slowly but surely it would grow into a collection.

The other cool thing is that it's not restricted to just figurines. They have stuffed animals, water globes, coffee mugs, etc all in the same theme. As a result I wouldn't have to just have figurines to call it a collection.

Maybe when I get a job and have a couple of paychecks under my belt I'll buy one for myself.

Ridiculous

Another night... Well... another morning actually. My sleep schedule, or lack there of, is bordering on the ridiculous right now. Last night I went to bed around 4:30am or so. Right now it is 5:13am and I haven't gone to bed yet. I know that once I get a job it will go back to normal. It will have to. But since I have no where to be and no where to go I'm pretty much just awake when I'm awake and asleep when I'm asleep. The only time that doesn't happen is if I have family to visit or I have a job interview. I actually have a job interview next Tuesday, so hopefully that will go well. And this Saturday I'll have to get up at a decent time because I promised my mother I would help her with some things she needs to take care of.

Master isn't imposing any sort of sleep schedule. There really isn't a need to. I don't know what the hell is up with this whole being awake all night shit. Master went to bed about two and a half hours ago. He told me it would be okay to stay up. I don't know why this is happening. I believe it is stress related. And even with everything going on stress wise, it's not like my thoughts are whirling around and keeping me up.

In fact, I have absolutely nothing on my mind at the moment. Not one damn thing. And yet here I sit, wide the fuck awake, typing a blog post about absolutely nothing in particular. But I don't really know what else to do right now. I'm hoping that after this post is done I'll be able to at least attempt to go to sleep. I know that if I went to bed right now I'd just lay there staring at the wall or the ceiling. That in turn makes me worry about waking Master up. He told me today that I was tossing and turning a lot last night. I apologized to Him. He said He wasn't upset about it or anything.

I'm glad He's not upset but at the same time it's not fair to Him. If He's noticing it to the point of commenting on it obviously it isn't just a once or twice type thing. Nope. Apparently I'm tossing and turning all night long. Or all morning long as the case may be.

I honestly don't think that setting a strict sleep schedule right now would help. If anything I think it would make it worse. I'd be in bed trying to fall asleep knowing that I have nothing to do the next day which will only frustrate me more. And with how much of a night owl I am normally, that will just make me irritable. It was problematic enough at times when I would have to go to bed on a Sunday night at a reasonable hour because I had to go to work on Monday. However, since I knew I had to go to work in the morning I could convince myself to just lay in one position until I drifted off to sleep.

I've been trying that little trick lately. I'll just lay as still as possible in one position in the hopes that I'll fall asleep, but it doesn't work. Then once I am asleep I am tossing and turning all night.

Right now I see the morning light coming through the blinds on our patio door. It's my turn to take the mutt out in the morning so I'll take him out to do his business before I go to bed. Other wise I'll be in bed for about an hour before he wakes me up.

I'm kind of wondering if the weather has anything to do with my being awake right now. All day today it was supposed to storm. Then the weather channel kept pushing it back and back and back. It's now 5:28am and nothing has happened except for a very light and brief drizzle. Sometimes when it feels like it's going to storm I'll get this charge to me. You know that pressure build up and charge that is in the air when it feels like a storm is on it's way? That has either one of two effects on me. Either I'll be lethargic all day long and will want to do nothing but sleep or I'll be charged all day and not be able to sleep. This time it is the latter.

I still don't feel tired. But I know that I should take the mutt out, take my pills, and then try to get some sleep. Other wise I might just stay up all day and crash as some time tomorrow afternoon and not be able to sleep tomorrow night either. *sigh* We shall see. I'll take the mutt out, take my pills, and then see how I feel after that.

Cuddle

The other day after finding out about Grandpa having to go to the nursing home and my brother went home I was very tired. I'm not sure why. I just was. Right before my brother left I had actually started to nod off a bit on the couch. I guess there was just too much going on in my head and as a result I was starting to shut down. I also didn't get a lot of sleep the night before.

After my brother left I asked Master if I could go take a nap. He allowed it and said He would wake me up in two hours. I went down to the bedroom, closed the door, climbed into bed, and got comfortable. I was laying there for a little bit and I wasn't about to cry or anything, I was just really down. Down and tired.

I keep some stuffed animals on top of our headboard. I like stuffed animals. I have a small collection of them. Some of them are kept in the closet because I don't want them getting ruined. Normally they just stay where I've put them and they are just there for the sake of being there.

However, I felt the need to cuddle with something. Obviously I couldn't cuddle with Master because I needed to crash and take a nap. He wasn't tired and as a result stayed in the living room. Usually in that situation I'll just move my pillow a certain way so that my head is still resting on it but I'll have my arms around it as well. That wasn't what I wanted though. On impulse I reached up and grabbed one of my frog stuffed animals and cuddled with it. After I was settled and I had the pillow just right, the blanket in the perfect position, and the stuffed animal cuddled up next to me I fell asleep rather quickly. 

At one point I woke up a little bit and looked at the clock. I had been asleep for about an hour. I had another hour before Master was going to come and wake me up. I propped myself up a little and put the frog stuffed animal back where it normally sits before I rolled back over and fell back asleep.

I know it may sound really stupid. I'm 31 years old and I still have stuffed animals, let alone still cuddle with them from time to time. *shrugs* But it helps.

When I was growing up I had a lot of stuffed animals. As the years went by I got rid of them all. But then one day, before we were married, Master and I went to a carnival and He won me a teddy bear. Master saw how much I loved it and from that point on He would get me a new stuffed animal every now and then. One of them is too large to cuddle with but I love it. It's a giant tiger.

I admittedly have gotten myself a couple as well. One of them my brother gave to me. He worked at an amusement park one summer and at the end of the season they were allowed to take some of the leftover ones home, so he gave me a Scooby Doo stuffed animal.

I don't know if it's some kind of coping mechanism or what... All I know is that it helps. I don't cuddle with my stuffed animals very often. I only really do it when I'm really, really not feeling well or I'm pretty upset. That day though I just was down and needed something to cuddle with.

Nursing Home

See, I told you I would end up posting about it again once I got a full update. The appointment for my grandfather's evaluation was today at 11am. My brother got here a little after noon. The three of us (Master, my brother, and myself) pretty much just spent the majority of the time sitting around and talking. My brother vented about his job and then it was basically just joking around and making small talk. We were keeping our minds off of other things. At 1pm my mother sent me a text asking if I had heard anything from my father. I replied saying that no, I was expecting him to call at some point in the afternoon. I didn't know how long the appointment went or whether my father had to talk to anyone after the fact. It was a little irritating just because we're all waiting on the information and if I had anything I would let her know. I'm not about to call my father to ask for an update. He said he would call me when he had a moment so I was going to wait. My mother is a very anxious person. She actually has pretty bad anxiety/panic attacks sometimes. So when something important is going on she wants updates immediately. Well, if I don't have an update I can't tell you anything and I had told her that once I had one I would call her.

Anyway... the three of us just killed time for a while. I will admit that at around 3:30pm I did send my dad a very short text. I wasn't trying to bother him at all. And I figured a text would be safer than calling him. About ten minutes later he called me. He wasn't upset that I had sent him a text. He had just gotten home.

They had the evaluation, then my dad and uncle had to talk with some people afterward. Once that was done both my uncle and my dad stayed to visit with Grandpa for a while.

So... here is the full update...

Grandpa is going to stay within the rehabilitation center for another two weeks. Then after that he will be going into a nursing home. He requires 24 hour care. Every doctor and nurse at the appointment agreed on that. Since he does need 24 hour care assisted living is out of the question. He can't be trusted to take care of himself at any point. With assisted living they don't keep an eye on you all day. By trusted I mean that he may fall, or he may forget where he is, etc. and so on. With the nursing home he'll have staff looking after him at all times.

The good thing is that the nursing home is actually at the same facility as the rehabilitation center. As my father put it, there are cheaper places but who knows what kind of care he'll receive. The nursing home has the same staff as the rehabilitation center and Grandpa trusts them. And we all agree that he is being well taken care of where he is, so it's best to put him in their nursing home. It is a very nice place. So that takes some sadness out of it. I'm still upset that he has to go to a nursing home rather than assisted living, but if that is the safest and best thing for him... then that is what has to be done. It's better than attempting to put him into assisted living and then him unintentionally hurting himself or something along those lines.

Grandpa has to go for a throat x-ray. He is complaining of not being able to swallow very well and that it hurts when he tries to swallow. The doctors and nurses cannot find a reason, externally, as to why that would be. His throat isn't swollen and there aren't any lumps. So he'll be going in for that. Dad isn't sure when that appointment is just yet. They are already adjusting Grandpa's diet to try and accommodate that by giving him softer foods.

I'm glad that Grandpa will be in the rehabilitation center for another two weeks though. They will be trying to get his strength back up at least a little bit before going to the nursing home portion of the facility. In order to not confuse him my father has requested that the doctors, nurses, and nuns (it's a Catholic facility) just tell Grandpa that he is being moved but is still in the rehabilitation center rather than telling him that he is now in a nursing home. Since he'll pretty much be dealing with the same people, that shouldn't be that hard. The nuns, doctors, and nurses agreed. With how bad my grandpa's memory is they just don't want to confuse him anymore.

Dad did tell me to try and visit again soon because Grandpa's short term memory is getting so bad that Dad doesn't want Grandpa to forget who I am. That will be a very, very hard day if it comes to pass. It might even if I do visit him frequently but at least it will be less likely. Well, hopefully for a little while anyway.

I did talk to my mother after I got off the phone with my dad. Dad sounded pretty upset so the phone call with him was only about 15 minutes. I told Mom everything I had been told. She asked some clarifying questions that I just didn't have answers to. When I talk to Dad about Grandpa I try not to "grill" him about it. Dad tells me all of the important things and that's all I need.

Keeping My Grip

I talked to my father for a little while today. It was actually a pretty short conversation since his back was really bothering him. He just wanted to give me a small update and thought it would be easier to call me rather than texting each other back and forth. It was in regards to my grandfather. The alarm on his pacemaker has been going off for a while now. It started going off every great now and then. But in the past week or two it has been going off very frequently. It is going off in order to alert the doctors that the battery is low. They waited as long as possible to turn it off. But now that it was almost constantly going off, the alarm wasn't alerting them to anything aside from the fact that the battery is low. In other words the alarm didn't make a difference anymore. So they turned it off. It was a very simple external procedure. The only way to correct the issue with the battery is to open him back up and replace it completely. The doctors/surgeons do not want to do that. They have pretty much guaranteed the fact that he would not live through it as it would be incredibly invasive.

When I saw my grandfather last Tuesday he was confused at times but was still alert enough to make some progress in his physical therapy. In fact, while I was there he was in physical therapy and seemed to be doing okay. Not great, but okay.

From what my dad told me today he has slipped back a lot. In just a matter of a few days he has declined significantly. It's worse than it ever was actually. He will recognize people but that's about it. He'll talk for a few minutes and then look off into a corner or the wall and just space out. He isn't making a lot of sense. Less than he was when I saw him. He is now rolling his eyes into the back of his head in mid conversation. Shortly after that he will doze off to sleep. He has lost more weight.

When I saw him last Tuesday I was actually a little hopeful. I knew he would never go home again but I was hopeful that maybe he would be able to go into assisted living rather than a nursing home. But with what my father told me it doesn't sound like that is going to happen. Last Tuesday he could slowly, with some assistance, get out of his chair or wheelchair. Now? He can't do it at all without the nurse doing at least 80% of the work. He is wearing diapers now although they are still having him use the bathroom when he knows he has to go. So in the matter of four days (this really started to get bad on Friday before the alarm was turned off) he has gotten this bad.

The really bad thing is that his evaluation is today. (Tuesday.) I'm making this post at 2am and his evaluation is at 11am. With this huge set back I highly doubt they will allow him to go into assisted living. The only other two options are allowing him to stay in the rehabilitation center or for him to go to a nursing home. I really, really hope that he doesn't have to go into a nursing home. It's hard enough realizing that he'll never go back home. Assisted living I can deal with. A nursing home scares me. Not that I think they will mistreat him. I know my father would never in a million years put him in a facility like that. It's just that those two words in and of themselves scare me. I've never had a relative live in a nursing home before. Hell, I've never had a relative go through any of this before. My grandmother, even when in a hospital bed, on oxygen, and in a wheelchair did it all at home if she wasn't actually checked into a hospital. My grandfather was retired and could stay home with her. They had the hospital bed right there in the living room.

My father told me that the appointment is at 11am and that he'll call me at some point in the afternoon to let me know how it went. My brother is coming up to visit. He'll be up here around noon, so we'll get the news at the same time since he'll be here anyway. My brother's visit wasn't planned because of the evaluation. It just happens to coincide.

I'm nervous. I'm worried. I'm a bit scared too. I'm not freaking out. I have a grip on myself. I'm just really, really hoping that he doesn't have to go to a nursing home. It's really hard knowing that he is going through all of this. My grandfather has always been a very strong, intelligent, and independent man. He worked three jobs to support his family and help his wife (my grandmother) go through college. Even after his early retirement he ended up getting a small part time job after my grandmother passed just to keep himself busy. And now he has no independence. He is frail looking. His mind is slipping from his heart not being able to pump the blood up to his brain like it should. I love my grandfather and it hurts to see him like that. When I visit it takes a lot not to cry in front of him.

Knowing that the battery of his pacemaker is very, very low is worrying. It's basically the only thing keeping his heart going. Only 5% of his heart is healthy. In my heart I know that once the pacemaker stops working, his heart will stop. He has a DNR. All I can hope for is that when that does happen, that he's asleep and just doesn't wake up.

I'm trying not to post about all this too frequently. But I know that once I do get a full update on the evaluation I'll be posting about it. I think this is just my way of getting it out of my head and trying to make sense of it.

Reading is Fun for Mentals

I saw a meme the other day that got my mind going. Yes, I know. It sounds really stupid that I would get inspiration for a post from a damn internet meme. However, it is a topic that I have wondered about in the past so I might as well run with it. Right? Right.

I have been Master's slave for 95% of our relationship. It was a long road filled with odds and ends and our basically trying to figure out what works for us. There were bumps in the road, as there always are regardless of what kind of relationship you have. But, that isn't really the point of this post. If you want a better background of how we got to where we are now, please read about it here. It's a somewhat vague history but it gives you the general idea.

Anyway... here is the meme I am referring to:

I have honestly never read any of those books. I of course knew about them rather quickly. After all they were promoting that book series left, right, and center. But when I saw my sister-in-law talk about it on a social network site I was floored to say the least. From everything I know about her she is a prude. I have no other way to put it. And she is also constantly complaining about how her husband (Master's brother) wants sex and she hates how he asks for it so frequently. She also bitches that he expects it without doing anything for it first. Apparently, without a dynamic in place, she thinks it should be earned like a reward. It's almost like she considers it a favor unless she wants to get knocked up. She's a prude and a feminist. *nods* I would say those two words sum her up rather well. I get along with her, don't get me wrong. But we are on two very different sides of that spectrum. Of course she doesn't know that. No one does.

But when she was saying how she had read it and had borrowed the book from a friend of her's I was floored. Like I said, admittedly I have never read any of the books. But from everything I had heard/read about it, it involves some level of kink to it. One person described it to me as a romance novel with a side of kink thrown in. I don't know how accurate that is though. *shrugs*

I have read the Sleeping Beauty series by Anne Rice. Granted those books are highly impossible with some of the things they wrote in there. Guys keeping their dicks hard constantly? Yeah. Sure. Yet a doctor will say if it lasts more than four hours you need to go to an ER. Of course there are other things in that book series that are impossible or at the very least highly improbable. However it was still an enjoyable series for me. Some of those things are entirely possible in the right scenario. Hell some of it I know damn well Master would do to me given the opportunity.

When I first heard about the 50 Shades book series I'll admit that my curiosity was a little peaked. After all I heard kink and I guess some form of dynamic was involved and you don't really read many books with that kind of thing going on. But I never did because the more I found out about it, the more it seemed to come off as a romance novel with things in it that "vanilla" people would find kinky but I would find boring as hell.

Has anyone read them? Thoughts?

I know that there will never really be a fictional book dealing with kink or a dynamic based relationship within an over all story setting that I will find 100% believable. I have a feeling that no matter what I read in that line of writing the book(s) will either have one of the following effects on me:

1. It will be way too far fetched and come off as ridiculous.
2.  Some of it will be far fetched but other parts will seem possible and as a result keep my interest.
3. It will disappoint me to the point of absolute boredom.

That may seem harsh since I've only ever really read the Sleeping Beauty series. There have been short stories and what not but they pretty much fell under the first category.  The Sleeping Beauty series fell under the second category. The 50 Shades series sounds, from everything I have heard about them, will fall under category three and as a result aren't worth buying, even if they are cheap.

It's kind of funny though because I have a feeling that if those had come out when I was an older teenager I would have snatched them up. Why? That kind of thing always interested me. I didn't really know if I actually ever wanted to be involved in such a thing but I knew that it interested me from a rather early age. But now? Well, after being in a Master/slave relationship for basically 11 years (and counting) I think I may just fall asleep while reading it out of pure boredom. Or maybe I would ready a couple of chapters, promptly decide it was a waste of time and money, and get rid of it.

When it comes to books I am very selective about it. After all, I'm spending money here and I want to make sure that I'll want to read it multiple times. That does somewhat limit the number of books I own/will buy but as a result I very, very rarely regret buying a book. I'm honestly more picky about the books I read than the movies I watch. Movies to me can be something I watch simply to kill time. But with a book? Nope. Can't do it. I have to be able to throw myself into it even if I am only reading a little bit of it here and there.

Going Guano

Ya know... this whole being unemployed thing is driving me guano. At first it hadn't sunk in really. It all just felt like a really long weekend or a mini vacation of absolutely nothing for no reason. But now? Well, now it has me just trying to do what I can to keep myself busy. This probably explains my posting more than what is required, even if it is just rambling on about absolutely nothing what so fucking ever. (Like this post.) It also explains why I went into overdrive in changing my blog. Hell, even today I decided that a font that I could automatically select was too boring for the blog title, blog description, post titles, and gadget titles. Nope! Can't have that! Too boring! So while I had thought I was done dicking with it apparently I was lying. I promptly went to Google Fonts and found the one I'm currently using. I think it looks better. And now that it's not a "default" font I feel better about it. I prefer my blog to be a bit more unique. That may be one of the reasons why I decided I didn't want a downloaded template anymore. Yes, I had tweaked it to make it my own, but it still wasn't mine. And while this may not be as "clean" or as "professional" as the ones I can download, I still love it. It's unique. If I ever see it somewhere else I'll be more than a little shocked. Somethings will obviously look similar as I am using a basic template which I then built upon but that's not the point.

Although I am annoying myself by constantly wanting to change things so now I'll leave it alone. No. Really. I'm serious this time. *sigh*

Aside from throwing out my resume like it's going out of style I've been watching random shit on Netflix that I honestly would normally never watch but am now, for some fucked up reason, finding entertaining. Most likely because it is different. If I still had a full time job there is no way I would bother wasting time on it. But since I don't, I find it amusing.

I'm also reading books periodically. I picked out a different one from the small collection we have that I hadn't read in quite some time. I'll read it a little bit here and a little bit there. Sometimes I'll devour an entire chapter while other times I'm only reading half of one.

I'm really hoping I find a new job soon. Hell, I've been wishing that since the day I was fired. I can't believe it's been that long already. I've never had a gap in my work history that wasn't due to my going to college for a while.

And on top of the stress of not having a job I have all these things going on with my Grandfather. The things going on with Grandpa are a lot harder to swallow. While the being unemployed thing is hard and greatly effects our finances the situation with my Grandpa is hitting me on a deep emotional level. In both scenarios Master has been extremely supportive and I love Him for that.

I'm trying to stay in good spirits and to stay strong. It's not that I'm putting my brave face on. I'm just dealing with all of it the best that I can. I'm allowing myself to be vulnerable. I cry when I need to. I vent when I need to. I'm of course keeping Master updated on everything across the board.

So yeah...