Peaks and Valleys

Master and I had a reconnecting over the past weekend. It was in regards to my submission. I haven't been bad or punished or anything like that. It's just that there seems to be peaks and valleys.

I never step outside of my boundaries but there are times where my submission to Him is more apparent than others. And the same goes for Him too. Sometimes His Domination over me is more apparent than others. There is nothing wrong with it. It's just how life goes.

When you are in this dynamic 24/7 it's like any other part of your life.

I have been much more submissive lately. I'm still a smart ass and all that and Master still jokes around and all that. It's not like military school or anything.

I really don't know how to describe it really. At least not in words. It's just a feeling that is carried out through my actions. He has been more Dominant and as a result I have reacted more submissively.

Master has commented on it as well. He is pleased which in turn makes me happy.Things seem to be less stressful when I'm in those mode as well. It's not like He makes my life a living hell when I'm not the perfect slave. He doesn't. It's just my mindset I think. I'm more in that "I just have to please Him" mindset and it's a lot less stressful when I'm in that part of my brain.

It's very simple. Is He pleased? Yes. Then everything is good.

I'm hoping I'll be able to hang onto this feeling for a while. As I said, there are peaks and valleys. I just hope this peak doesn't end any time soon.

Lady Problems

Well, I kinda sorta got yelled at by both Master and my mother on the same subject. Okay, not quite yelled at. More like lectured.

And it's my brother's girlfriend's fault.

My brother had called me a couple of nights ago asking me about female health problems basically. Well, apparently his girlfriend is going to be getting an IUD and prior to having that done she had to have a pap smear. She got a letter in the mail saying that her results had come back abnormal and to please see the attachment. The attachment was blank. She then proceeded to freak out.

So my brother called me and without any warning at all put her on the phone. This is the same girl who wanted to act like I wasn't there when I met her and was around her for a whopping 15 minutes but my brother puts her on the phone and suddenly I'm her life long friend. Well, at least that's the way she sounded on the phone.

I ended up just repeating myself over and over again about just calling the doctor to see what was going on. I found it a bit weird that she got a letter rather than a phone call but she had gone to Planned Parenthood rather than an OB/GYN office.

So it came to light that she had wanted to know what I specifically had to say as she had found out I had gone through something similar. Well, she's right on that one. My brother remembered that I had one point had to get a biopsy done. Why he remembered I don't know. I do think it freaked him out at the time as he took it a hell of a lot more seriously than I did.

I got fixed when I was 21 years old. And of course before you have surgery of that kind they want to do a pap smear. Mine came back abnormal. So they did a biopsy. The sample came back stating that I had precancerous cells. As a result they decided to basically freeze it all. That is a very fucking odd sensation let me tell you. After that I had to have another biopsy done and finally I was able to get fixed.

I told her all of this and she had fifty million questions and it all came back to me telling her to call her doctor.

So, why would any of this lead to a lecture from not just Master but Master and my mother? Um, well, ya see... I haven't been back to an OB/GYN since then. Yep. That's right. I haven't gone to once since I was 21. I'm 29 now.

Honestly, most of it is because of insurance. Although I have had insurance for the past three years. So yeah, add forgetfulness to it as well. I honestly hadn't even thought about it. So Master lectured me first and then my mom got on me about it.

None of us even really thought about when they found the precancerous cells. I just remember getting fixed. It wasn't until that conversation with my brother's girlfriend that I had even thought about it.

As a result they both made me promise to find one and get an appointment. So I spent my lunch break calling ones that are in network for my insurance. Gods was it a pain in the ass! Either they weren't accepting new patients at all, they were only accepting new patients that were pregnant or their office hours ended at 3:30pm every day. That wouldn't be a problem except for the fact that of course their Friday office hours were for procedures and prenatal visits only. What's the big deal about Fridays? Well, every other Friday I get out at noon. Otherwise I don't get home until about 5:30pm. So I had to find one that could take Friday appointments.

Finally I found one and have an appointment for January 18th.

I'm one of those people that don't go to the doctor unless something is wrong. I've always been that way. Yes, I know it's better to find out early.. blah blah blah. I've heard it all before. Both my mother and my Master know this about me so they don't really pressure me about it especially since they are both the same way.

However, since I did have that one instance mentioned above they want me to start getting regularly checked out. And like I said none of us had even thought about it until that conversation happened. If either of them did I'm sure they would have been riding my ass a lot sooner.

I'm An Idiot

I was not a happy camper this morning. Not at all.

Daylight savings was yesterday. So all the clocks fell back one hour. I had all the clocks changed no problem. I was so looking forward to the fact that I would technically be getting an extra hour of sleep.

So after Master fucked me one last time last night He ordered me to go to sleep. I wasn't tired but as soon as I got comfortable I was out like a light. Rough sex does that to you.

So my alarm goes off this morning and I turn it off, get out of bed and start my morning routine. I actually had to wake the dog up in order to take him out. Normally he's wagging his tail as soon as I walk into the living room like, "Morning Mom! Let's go!" But not this morning. He was still sleeping on the couch and when I woke him up he looked at me like, "What woman?! I'm sleeping!"

So I took him out and had everything ready to go. I was literally about to put my coat back on and leave for work when for whatever reason I peeked at the living room clock. It said it was 6am. What a damn minute. How in the fuck is it only 6am?!

I thought that maybe I had set it back too far. But nope. The microwave said the same time. As if that wasn't enough of a confirmation I looked at my cell phone. And then it dawned on me. I didn't set my alarm clock back an hour.

I use an old cell phone of mine as an alarm clock. It's just easier for me and I don't have to worry about the power going out and the alarm clock turning off or something along those lines. (It happened one time and since then I've used a cell phone.) I don't use my current cell phone because I charge it at night.

Now, I'm assuming that my stupid brain figured that the old cell phone would reset itself automatically because well, it's a cell phone. But nope. Son. Of. A. Bitch.

I could have slept an extra hour! What made me feel even more like an idiot is that there is literally a clock sitting on our dresser. I could have peeked at that when the alarm went off, like I normally do, but for whatever reason that didn't register. I must have passed the clock in the living room four or five times. I didn't even look at the clock on the microwave when I picked up the dog's leash which is literally right no top of the damn microwave in a basket.

Oh, and on top of all that? There is a clock right on the damn computer which I had been on for a good 15 minutes in order to check my e-mail and leave Master my morning note. But no. It took me to realize this all the way until I was ready to walk out the damn door.

Well, now I know why the dog was looking at me like I was nuts. His potty schedule is very strict. His body clock is set to it and so taking him an hour early probably threw him really off.

So yes, I'm an idiot. Needless to say I will be making damn sure that the clock on the old cell phone is set correctly tonight!

Stress? What Stress?

Master knows how to make me forget about my stress for a while, that's for damn sure. Yeah, it'll creep back in eventually but today? Today I don't give a fuck. Why? Because I was roughly fucked, twice, and it still hurts. *grin*

Last night Master and I were both feeling frisky so off to the bedroom we went. He ate me out to the point that I was so sensitive that I whimpered when He brushed my clit with His finger. He did it on purpose of course. *laughs* He fucked me to the point that I was cramping a little bit but dear gods did it feel amazing.

This was after one of our dry spells. And most people wouldn't even call it a dry spell. But with the way we are, it's one to us. It had been about a week. Maybe a week and a half, tops.

He came really hard. And I was so sore and tender at that point that I felt every, single pulse of His cock as He coated my pussy with His cum. It was incredible.

We were both out of breath and needed something to drink afterward. We then stumbled our way back to the bedroom, laid down and we both immediately passed out while He was holding me close. That was at about 4am.

We woke up today probably around 1pm. Yes, I know we were extremely lazy. But I know that Master really, really needed the sleep as His had a bad bout of insomnia lately. Me? I just sleep a lot better when He's next to me. So on the weekends I tend to sleep in late. During the work week our sleep schedules don't really match up.

Today after I did some minor errands and we had been relaxing in the living room a while Master looked at me and asked me what I wanted to do. I said I wasn't sure because there wasn't really a lot to do today. He said, "Well, we could go fool around." That made me giggle. He ordered me to the bedroom. I stroked His cock as He used His hand to squeeze my neck a little here and there and run His fingers along the side of my neck. He then had me sit up while He grabbed our two pillows and had me lay on top of them so they put my hips up off the bed.

Needless to say He wasn't gentle entering me. I was wet, but not quite wet enough. That didn't stop Him. It never does. It was swollen and tight and just dear gods did it hurt in a delicious way. He forced three orgasms out of me before pinning me down and using me as His masturbation toy. It hurt more while He used me. I almost cried. But I loved every second of it. He filled me once more and as He pulled out and laid next to me I did actually start to cry. It wasn't due to pain. I was just overwhelmed, in a good way. It happens sometimes after rough sex. It's a form of release in many different ways. He pulled me to Him, rested His head on my upper back and just held me. As I was started to calm down He told me what a good girl I am, how proud of me He is. He called me an excellent girl. That one immediately made me stop crying and I turned into jello. I love it when He calls me a good girl. I live for those words. But for Him to go above that? It felt so good in so many different ways.

Crossroads

You see that icon directly to the left? Yes, that one. That's kind of how I'm feeling lately. I'm not depressed or anything along those lines. Actually I'm rather proud to say that I have been stable for quite some time now. That may sound odd, but I truly am proud of that given how I used to be. I'm taking care to try to pay more attention to my moods and emotions and keep on top of them.

So now that the disclaimer is out of the way, as I said the get up, survive, and go to bed is kind of how life feels right now. I wouldn't call it a rut. I would call it a crossroad where I'm not sure which way to turn, so I'm standing in the middle of it.

For instance I'm not sure what to do about the job situation. I have a good job. The benefits are really, really good. However, since it is so far from home the gas is just eating away at the profits. Especially when the person in my carpool isn't going to work so I don't have the extra help. For instance, he is going to be gone for the next week and a half. It's not like I get mad about it or anything, I just look at the gas tank and see dollar signs. You know like in those older cartoons where the eyes would spin and when they finally stop it's dollar signs? Yes, like that. I would much prefer a job that I can get to on public transit. But the thought of changing jobs is a little overwhelming. I've been with this company for almost four years. I have some time in. Going to a new job is kind of scary, ya know? Especially when you look at the benefits side of things. You never know how much that kind of thing can cost. I've honestly never asked about them at a job interview. Why? Because I was more worried about getting a better paying job and getting out of the one I had at the time.

But now? It's not that I want to change jobs to get the hell out, it's just to save on gas and to not run the car into the ground. If my car is in the shop or something along those lines I have no way of getting to or from work. I'm sure I could call in a favor for a day or two, but that would be about it. So yes, that worries me a little bit.

I'm basically at a point in my life where I'm not sure how to keep moving upward and to continue to do my part in bettering our situation.

I've reached my ceiling at my current job. There is no where to move up to. So basically I have to wait until my work anniversary and hope to get a decent raise. Or who knows, get a raise at all. It wouldn't be based on my performance. All the higher ups know I work hard. It's just whether or not they decide to do raises that year. I've heard of many jobs that put a raise hold in place for a year or two. Hell, my last job didn't give me a raise at any point in time.

A second job isn't really feasible. With my current schedule if I took one on I would be living to work rather than working to live. I would burn myself out fast. College is also out of the question. I won't go into the reasons why on that. I'm simply stating that before someone suggests it.

Like I said I feel like I'm at a standstill on everything.

And not just financially. I mean on everything.

Master and I are fine. Our marriage is fine our dynamic is still in place.

Another standstill is about finding a female friend with benefits. I've tried in the past via websites but have had no luck what so ever. Some wanted a romantic relationship, which I am not interested in. I have never wanted a romantic relationship with a woman regardless of the fact that I'm bisexual. Or they wanted me to leave my Husband. I know they may seem like the same thing but in the first scenario it was them wanting to be my girlfriend and being "okay" with my being married. The second scenario was basically if I wanted some fun with them I would have to commit fully.

I will completely admit to the fact that I have given up for a long time. I haven't actively sought out a female friend with benefits in a few years now. I just got frustrated to the point of throwing my arms in the air and saying, "I'm done!"

That was also before I was medicated though. So maybe I can try again. Maybe I'll be able to be more patient this time and not give up so easily.

The gay bars around here don't really welcome bisexuals. Add that to the fact that I'm not really a bar type person. I don't drink often at all and when I do I'd rather do it at home. It's cheaper and I don't have to deal with bad music and a bunch of loud annoying drunks.

I guess I'm just not sure what to do with myself anymore. I get up, I go to work, I come home and enjoy my time with Master and eventually I have to go to bed to do it all over again. Our neighbors that we were hanging out with so much during the summer? Well, now that it's colder out everyone is staying inside. Also, there is a new member to the group that I just cannot fucking stand and he brings three undisciplined children with him and a wife that has the kind of voice that cuts right through you and makes you want to slap the shit out of her. It doesn't help that she's a fucking ditz either.

So, since it's colder and now everyone wants to hang out inside you have anywhere from four to seven adults, not including Master and myself, in a two bedroom apartment as well as anywhere from two to six kids running in and out or just staying in the living room. That's a pretty tightly cramped area, don't you think?

Master and I don't really have date nights anymore. I miss those but with bills going up and so much money going into the car (gas money, repairs, etc.) it's just not really feasible at the moment and hasn't been for a little while now. I do think we need to budget a date night in about once a month though. I think that would be healthy for us and our marriage. Not that it's unhealthy right now, it's just something that I think would do both of us some good.

It's not like we're dead ass broke, it's just the money is set aside for other things all the time. Ya know?

Up In The Air

We have a wedding that we are going to next week Saturday. It is for our friend BC. He has been Master's friend since high school and where as we don't really care for the person he is marrying, well that's his choice and his life. We're just going to show support basically.

They pushed this whole wedding thing along. They were going to wait a little while longer but his fiance wanted both of her parents to be there when she got married and they both didn't have great health so they had decided to speed up the whole process.

As I said the wedding is set for next Saturday. Well, today Master got a phone call from BC. Apparently his fiance's mother passed away last night in her sleep. As I said, I don't care for this individual but that has to be hard. You pushed this up so she could be there and she passes away a week prior to the big day.

Master is now waiting on a phone call as to whether or not BC will need Him on Monday. If he does, Master will have to take me to work and pick me up so that He can have the car during the day. I'm sure we'll know more tomorrow.

My first thought, honestly, was whether or not they are going to postpone the wedding. On one hand it would make a lot of sense to do so, simply because of emotions and grieving. On the other hand you have all this money you've put into it and you don't get deposits back, etc. And they did. They have put quite a bit of money into the wedding.

So right now Master is on standby mode. Unfortunately I do not have the time left to take a full day of work off. So, if the funeral is during a time where I have to be at work, I won't be able to attend. Master will be going either way to support BC.

More Ick

This better just be my sinuses and not be a head cold or anything like that. Seriously. I was a bit stuffed up last night when I went to bed and when I woke up this morning I took a benadryl right away and took some to work with me just in case. The benadryl is helping the only problem is that it makes me tired. I didn't feel like I was going to fall asleep at my desk or anything but it did make me feel kind of sluggish.

When I got home I had to take another one and now, of course, I feel sluggish. I don't think I'll be passing out anytime soon or anything along those lines, just.... ugh.

I don't just mean a little sluggish either I mean more like I'm a zombie type sluggish. *Bbbrraaaiiinnnsss*

I've kind of just been blah since I walked in the door and I feel bad about it because I enjoy our nights together simply because I get to relax and spend time with Him. But when I feel like this I'm not really up for a lot of conversation or anything like that. I'm more like a vegetable. And again that makes me feel bad because well, He's missed me and I've missed Him during the day and now here we are... and I might as well be in a coma.

Since the benadryl is helping though I'm going to remain optimistic that it's just my sinuses kicking my ass and not my coming down with a cold or something. This is the time of year where you basically want to wear a haz mat suit whenever you leave the house because you don't want to get sick. Hello hand sanitizer, how are you today?

I just really don't want to get sick. Not only because being sick sucks balls but also because I don't want to get Master sick. With His immune disorder it's always a little scary for me when He gets sick. That's when I turn into the big bad nurse that He temporarily hates but is thankful for at the same time.