Sinuses

Well, I'm not exactly sick. I started off the day fine. I was a bit tired but that was about it. Then suddenly around 2pm for no reason what so ever my sinuses bitch slapped me. I was stuffy, I had to keep blowing my nose and I just felt like hell.

I took a sinus pill that one of my coworkers had but it didn't kick in until right before I left work a few hours later.

When I got home Master and I ate dinner, watched some Netflix and relaxed. I took another sinus pill and decided to go lay down. Master woke me up around 8pm. I feel a bit better. I don't have the headache anymore, but I am still stuffed up. I don't want to take another sinus pill just yet because I only took one about an hour and a half ago. So I'm going to go take a hot bath and see if that helps.

Twice As Crazy

First off, before I get into the meat of my post, I just wanted to bitch that the Recent Comments widget I have is currently not working. It's annoying me but it has to do with the comments feed so there isn't anything I can do about it. Hopefully it'll be fixed soon.

Okay, now that that's taken care of onto the post.

As most of you who have been reading my blog for a while now probably already know, I'm bipolar.

I was diagnosed September of 2010. I wish I would have sought out help sooner, but I didn't. Not much to be done about that. Anyway, I have been on one particular medication for the full year. That medication is Lamictal. It is used to treat both people who are bipolar as well as people who suffer from seizures. I started off at 100 milligrams and was slowly but surely upped to 300 milligrams. Well, at the 300 milligrams mark I had some pretty fucked up side effects. I was slurring my speech, I was walking like I was drunk and I had double vision. Needless to say I called my shrink the next day. He told me to cut one of the pills in half, so I would be taking 225 milligrams. Magically, no more side effects. So that was great and that's where that medication is staying.

However, that is not enough. At first I felt fine, I didn't notice any sudden mood swings or anything like that. Well, not up until the past two weeks. Out of no where I would go into one of my more aggressive mood swings. I would want to suddenly just want to start throwing shit and wanting to scream just to let some of it out. Needless to say I couldn't do either. At work I'd be fired. At home I don't want to break our things and I don't need the cops called because I screamed at the top of my lungs, causing the neighbors to think someone was being tortured.

After that swing ended I would either slip into "normal" mode of I would become extremely hyper to the point that I felt like I was about to jump out of my skin. After talking with Master I decided to call my shrink.

He agreed that I shouldn't be cycling that badly while on my medication. He said that my current medication is not enough by itself. He's been thinking that for the past two appointments now but didn't want to mess with anything because I wasn't that bad. With this little update he decided to add another medication.

He added Seroquel. He wants me to start at 50 milligrams for two nights, then 100 milligrams for four nights and then finally reaching 150 milligrams and staying there. This will be the second night of the 50 milligrams. I've looked into the side effects and one of them is cotton mouth. I woke up with that this morning. Other than that? Nothing. Hopefully it stays that way.

I really am hoping that this does it. I'm hoping this is the magical mix of medications that helps me. So, within a week I'll be on a total of 375 milligrams worth of meds. Awesome.

It was one thing being on only one medication, but when I realized that it wasn't enough and I needed a second medication as well, it kind of made me feel... crazy as hell I guess is the way to put it. I know I'm not completely out of my mind, just a little left of center.

Put Away Wet

I would say rode hard and put away wet, but that wouldn't be true.

Normally when Master and I fuck it's hard, it's rough, it's sometimes painful in a good way. But last night was different. I've been very tender lately. Master has not been gentle with me at all this past week, not that I mind. *wink*

But as I said last night was different. Master was in a mood for a slower fuck. Not exactly gentle, but definitely not as rough as usual.

He was teasing me, teasing Himself in some ways. He was focusing on every single sensation. Just the head of His cock being inside me, slowly pushing in and pulling out. Then He'd go half way and do that again. There were several times that He'd be teasing me with the head of His cock and suddenly slam every inch of it into me. That always catches me off guard. Every time He did it I would either gasp suddenly, or not be able to breathe for a heart beat or two. So delicious.

He pinned me down to the bed, He had my ass up in the air.. It was all very sensual. He talked dirty to me the entire time. I always love the noises Master makes when He fucks me, but when He's in a "talkative" mood during sex, it's always a turn on. He tells me how warm my cunt is, how He wants me to get it wetter, He wants me to soak Him so that I have more to clean up when we're done. *shivers*

Last night He was very inventive all the way around and I was a nothing but a docile, tender, puddle. I was so soaked that I could feel my cum dripping off His balls and onto my feet when He had me on all fours with my ass up in the air and my face pushed down into the mattress.

He allowed me to cum more times than I can remember before having me lay on my stomach so He could use me as His sex toy. He pinned me down to the bed and growled nasty things into my ear as He made use of me.

I begged for His cum. I told Him how much I needed it. I was rewarded by Him filling me and laying on top of me as He came down from it.

When He was ready to, He rolled off of me and had me clean off His cock and balls. He told me to get every last drop, and I did. He then dipped His fingers inside of me and chuckled as He wiped His hand on my chest. He told me that I was absolutely soaked. I giggled and nuzzled His chin.

So, like a well used whore, I fell asleep wet, sore, and with a smile on my face.

Feeling Submissive

Being a slave and feeling submissive are two entirely different things. I'm sure most of you would agree. Sometimes I call it feeling submissive and sometimes I call it feeling docile. To me they are the same thing, it's just a matter of wording.

Today I woke up feeling docile. I was at work and I was actually having a pretty crummy and boring day. I talked to Master and He said that I could leave early if I wanted to. I was out of things to do so I left at 3pm. The only reason I could leave early is because I was the one driving today. The girl who drives the carpool had the day off. Thankfully the other person in the carpool, which I had to take home, wanted to leave early too. So it all worked out.

When I got home Master was sitting on the porch with our dog. Master and I sat out there for a while before coming into the apartment.

I'm trying to be a good girl. I'm trying to not focus on the stress in our lives and focus on my submission to Him instead. The stress becomes too much rather quickly if I actually sit here and try and sort through it. I've been doing it too much and losing sight of other things. I don't mean to do it. It's just that the stress factors keep piling on top of one another that sometimes it feels like a mountain that you can't see the top of.

But once I start bringing my focus to Him and Him alone all of a sudden I become calm, content, happy. I no longer spin my wheels. It's my vacation away from reality basically. Oh, reality is still there and of course I still deal with it, it's just not as intense. It makes me feel like I can get through it and that I don't have to get through it all at one time. It keeps my head from exploding.

Today, thankfully, is one of those days. For whatever reason though that whole stress reducing effect didn't kick in until I saw Him. Like I said, I woke up docile, but the over all effect didn't start until I got home. Funny how that works.

Overwhelming

Lately, sex has been rather rough. I'm not complaining mind you. It's not as if it's unusual for our sex to be rough and to hurt in some way, shape or form. It's just that lately I seem to be more tender afterwards, or during for that matter.

I wonder if that's weird or not. Don't get me wrong, I'm used to being tender and/or sore after sex. But this is a bit more than usual.

I don't think it has anything to do with health or something like that. It's probably just something were my senses are heightened for some reason or another. *shrugs* Hell if I know.

Today is a good example. Master and I went into the bedroom to fool around. After He entered me He quickly became rough, which I enjoyed. He allowed me to cum a few times before He sat up onto His knees. For some reason as He was bouncing me off His cock it was like I couldn't catch my breath, but in a good way. It hurt, it felt good, it was everything at once. The one word that describes it is overwhelming. The sensations just took over. I wasn't thinking, I wasn't able to really make a lot of noise either.

When I come down from that it leaves me a bit out of it. For instance, right now I'm a bit out of it. I'm not sure if this post is making any damn sense what so fucking ever, but at least I'm doing it.

Last night Master allowed me to skip my post because I just really didn't want to blog. He allowed it, even though I know I'm pushing that a bit because I'm doing it more often recently. I'm not sure why.

I guess I just don't really want to blog about all the stress and the stress is kind of taking me over more and more lately. I'm able to stay in one piece and not totally flip out even though sometimes I want to. So it's hard for me to not post about that kind of stuff.

By Any Other Name

I couldn't really think of anything to post about. My brain is a bit fried today. It's been a long damn week even though it was only a four day work week. So a journal prompt is in order.

Is your Dominant called Sir or Master?

Well, there are many names that I have for Master. On my blog I refer to Him as my Master more often than not, obviously. I also call Him my Husband, which is also true but holds an additional meaning to me. More of an old world type meaning. You know, where the wife is more submissive to the Husband.

I also call Him Sir. Sir is just easier sometimes, and it sure as hell can be said in public. Some people looked at me oddly at first, but when I use it in an almost sarcastic tone people don't seem to blink. Master knows I'm not being sarcastic, He knows I'm basically slipping it into the "real world" but still using some sort of discretion.

Something where He "requests" me to do something that I know is actually an order and I say, "Yes Sir!" and do a mock salute type thing. He chuckles and I wink at Him.

Then there is another name. I call Him it a lot in person. I don't know why I don't use it more here on my blog. Maybe because people may get the wrong idea? I'm not sure. I call Him Daddy.

We don't do age play, we don't do the whole mock father and daughter thing. I think that's why I don't want people getting the wrong idea. I personally find nothing wrong with such things, it's just that it's not how Master and I are and it's now what I mean when I call Him Daddy.

I call Him Daddy more in a protector type meaning. He is my protector. Also, He calls me baby girl as an affectionate pet name. That's kind of how I fell into calling Him Daddy. I guess another way to describe it is almost how women will call their husbands, boyfriends, etc. Big Daddy. It's another pet name. I enjoy calling Him that. I have never called Him Big Daddy though, just Daddy.

Does that make any sense at all?

So I guess to answer the question, I call Master several different things and He enjoys them all.

Knot In My Stomach

Have you ever had that feeling where you have a knot in your stomach saying that something is wrong, or something is going to go badly, but you have no idea what it is or when it's going to happen?

I have had that all day today. As a result I feel disconnected. Well, that's not true. When it first hit me I felt incredibly upset. I was wracking my brain trying to figure out what it could be, what it could mean, or if it was just a "false alarm".

But as the feeling stayed with me I ended up disconnecting myself. I was feeling like I was going to cry at work when the knot got worse. So, I ended up shutting down. I was still able to do my job, I just was numb. I think numb is a good word to describe it.

That knot is still in my stomach and it's damn near 8:30pm. There are so many things it could mean that it's hard to pin point. Master put it in a pretty accurate description. He calls it the "the other shoe is about to drop" feeling. It's a feeling of dread, of worry, of concern. As I've said I'm not sure exactly what it's trying to tell me, if anything. Maybe it's just my own nerves finally getting to me. But for it to go on this long, somehow I don't think it's a mind fuck.

Master said that I feel distant and look like I'm about to cry at the drop of a hat. I don't feel like I'm going to cry though. Not anymore. Not since the feeling first hit me.

I'm leaning towards it having to do with something regarding my grandfather. His health is constantly declining. He looks like a walking corpse. He has almost no weight to him. His skin is gray. His memory is fucking with him a lot. You get the picture.

On one hand, the selfish hand, I want him to stay around. On the other hand I want him to be out of pain and out of this fog of confusion that he is living in. He is distancing himself from the family more and more, like an old dog going off into the woods to die.

This will be the first death in the family that I've had to deal with since I was 18. It's been 10 years of everyone in my family (that I am close to) being well. Grandpa has had his ups and downs but I don't think there is going to be an upswing this time.

It worries me. It scares me. But it scares me more to see him like that. He's still walking around, living on his own, hell he's still driving. But seeing him look like that disturbs me. I would rather him go now, rather than going on a more severe decline where he is in a hospital hooked up to tubes and wires.

Like I said, I don't know what this feeling is exactly. I may not want to know. Not yet. I did talk to my mother and she said she hasn't heard anything regarding my grandfather. This is one of those no news is good news situations. Trust me, she'd be one of the first to know. It's not her father, but he still considers her his daughter-in-law even though my parents have been divorced for 11 years. He has known her since she was 15 years old. She's 49 now.

So all I can do is try to ignore this knot in my stomach and just sit back and wait to find out what this early warning system is trying to tell me.