Fuzzy Feeling

Last night I was watching Master play video games while I was on the couch. The next thing I know Master is waking me up and it's a hour and a half later. Apparently I didn't look that well when I sat up because Master had a slightly worried look on His face and was asking me if I was okay.

I felt a little light headed and just an all around fuzzy feeling, like I was having a hard time focusing. I sat there for a while and the feeling passed. It was my turn to take the dog out, so I did that and when I came back in Master put the back of His hand against my cheek and He said I felt really warm. I was still feeling kind of out of it.

I fell asleep once again on the couch until I woke up for no particular reason and told Master I was going to the bedroom and that I love Him.

I have no idea why I felt the way I did last night. This morning I felt fine, all day I've felt fine, and tonight I'm fine as well. Like I said I have no idea what was up last night.

I hate it when things like that happen and I can't think of a logical reason as to why it happened. It kind of fucks with me.

Pampered Slave Girl

After the talk we had yesterday Master and I both were a little quiet for a while. But eventually we started to get more affectionate again. As I said we were both a little raw after the talk, not that we had been yelling at each other or anything. It's just not a conversation that's entirely comfortable.

But anyway...

Master was writing an e-mail and I was kneeling next to Him. He told me to go take my shower and I said, "Yes Sir." I didn't move right away because we continued talking. That's not really abnormal. Sometimes Master will give me an order but then whatever we were doing before hand will continue. However, once that is done, I already have my orders and I better be on my way to doing them.

So once the conversation ended I started to move to go take my shower. Then Master said, "I'll finish this when I'm done," referring to His e-mail.

I looked at Him kind of weird because I didn't know what He was talking about. He started walking towards the bathroom, which made me even more confused. He turned, looked at me, smirked and said, "It's been a while since you've been groomed."

Immediately I had a grin on my face and was a very happy slave.

Master turned on the water in the shower, stepped in after He had it where He wanted it, and then had me step in as well. He closed the shower curtain and then scrubbed me down, getting me nice and clean, taking His time and caressing in certain areas. For some reason the part that sticks out the most is when He had me facing away from Him and He was rinsing me off and His hands were going up and down my sides. I have no idea why that sticks out the most, but I do know that I really enjoyed it.

And then when He was washing my hair, again I was facing away from Him and I reached behind me and started stroking His cock while He continued. He laughed, which made me giggle.

It has been a really long time since Master took a shower with me and groomed me like that. I thanked Him for it and told Him how much it meant to me that He had done such. I thanked Him again later in the evening, again after sex, and again this morning in my daily note to Him.

To me it's sensual, loving, relaxing, and just wonderful.

I was a very pampered slave girl last night.

Love & Marriage

There are two sayings that have to do with marriage that I think everyone knows.

1. "All you need is love."

2. "Love doesn't put food on the table."

Both are true, in their own ways. I honestly believe that as long as you love the person you are married to with all of your being you can always find a way to make things work, regardless of the situation.

The flip side of that coin is that finances can really fucking stress you and your spouse out which then effects the marriage. Where as Master and I have been in a lot worse situations financially it doesn't mean that right now we aren't stressed out. Neither of us seem to be happy with our situation at present. Master's freelance job fell through. He hasn't been able to be hired on to another job since or before. It's getting to the point that neither of us are really sure where to apply Him anymore. He's put in applications fucking everywhere and either a degree is required, He's "over qualified", or His criminal record that is 15 years old comes to bite Him in the ass. He's extremely frustrated by it and I completely understand that. I try to be as supportive as I possibly can be, but I know that isn't going to make everything okay.

I'm frustrated because I've clawed my way up from minimum wage to making decent money in a relatively short period of time. I have a solid work history and can't afford what we both want. We want a newer car, and where as that is possible the payments are not especially when you add full coverage insurance to it. We want to own a condo, part of a duplex, or a townhouse. Where as we could possibly afford the mortgage payment there is no way we could get financing for that right now. Sometimes it feels like I'm working just to keep our heads above water and at times even that takes a lot of effort.

We both want to be able to go out and do more things, but we can't afford it. My birthday is this upcoming Friday. Master is upset because He can't get me anything. I'm slightly upset because we can't afford to go out and have a good time. In fact on my birthday we get to write out a rent check. Oh the joys of being an adult. I know.

Our anniversary is less than a month away and I'm not sure what we're going to be able to do for it.

We just got done talking because we've both been snipping at each other because we're stressed out. We both admitted that sometimes we worry about the whole "grass is greener" mentality. Basically I'm worried that His wanderlust from when He was younger might kick up in His ass and He's just gonna say fuck it and go. He's worried that I might start peeking over the fence to find a "better" situation.

Where as we both know that we love each other very much, stress and finances dredge up some really nasty and dark thoughts. My medication is helping, but it's not a cure all. It helps me cope, it doesn't make everything honkey dorey.

I'm glad we talked, because it got things off our chests and we stopped nit picking at each other, but it always leaves you a little exposed feeling when you voice such concerns, as if speaking them might make them come true.

Like I said we love one another very, very much. And I'm honestly not worried about a divorce or Him leaving, but like I said enough stress will make your thoughts turn down a road that you really don't want to even remotely consider as a possibility. Everything is possible, it's just how probable it is.

Make Me

Master and I watched a documentary today called "Fetishes". It is basically about this S&M club, with four professional "mistresses" who have clients that pay them to dominate them. Sex isn't involved but there is sexual contact of a sort... at least from what they showed in the documentary.

But anyway, one of funniest things in this happened. Now you think someone who went to see a professional mistress would be submissive right? Well this one guy came in because he had a fetish of wrestling "amazon" type women. And one of the mistresses there was quite tall and had a wider frame. So he pays to wrestle her. Clothes stay on (okay the guy took his shirt off) but they get down and wrestle. The mistress couldn't get the upper hand and you could tell it was pissing her right the hell off. The client isn't being really rough or anything she just wasn't physically strong enough to overpower him. So what does she do? She resorts to biting. A lot. She just kept biting him and scratching at him until he pushed her away from him, got up, put his shirt back on and said that isn't what he went there for. He went there to wrestle her not "be abused" as he put it.

And right after the client leaves the room (I wonder if he got a refund?) the mistress is pissed and kind of goes off about how if he was submissive then he would have enjoyed the biting and scratching. He wasn't submissive at all... blah blah blah. No bitch, you got pissed because you couldn't overpower him and you resorted to "girl fight" tactics. The only thing she didn't do was pull the dude's hair and that's probably only because he didn't have much of it.

I'm not saying I don't believe in fighting dirty but this dude paid her to wrestle with him and just because she couldn't strong arm him or he wasn't submissive during the wrestling she got emotional about it.

So anyway, while we were watching this Master and I both commented about how these women didn't seem like mistresses at all. Okay yeah they could talk shit and what not but not one of them looked like they could handle themselves if things actually got physical. I swear I could kick most of their asses, which is sad given that I'm 5ft1 and about 105 lbs.

And maybe it's just me but if you can't physically overpower me, I don't see the point of submitting to you. Master can and has physically overpowered me. And it's not that He even had to prove it before I wanted to submit to Him. I saw Him and went "Yep, that guy could toss me around like a rag doll. I really want to fuck Him."

So basically in my little head it makes sense to me that if you are going to give me an order, if I should refuse to do it, you should be able to physically make me comply.

Muse

I don't know why but I just haven't been wanting to blog all that much recently. Well, it's not that I don't want to blog it's just that I don't really know what to blog about. Then again sometimes I do know exactly what I want to blog about but then I sit here and start typing and suddenly my mind goes blank and I try and find a way to at least get past the 100 word count.

It's been that way for at least a week now. And I have no idea why. I like blogging, I really do. But I just don't have any ambition to write. Which is weird, sometimes you just can't shut me up when I'm blogging and I end up with 1,500+ words in a post.

And right now... my mind is blank again. Ugh. I hope this weekend I can kick start my brain and get a real blog post done.

Pressure Release

Since yesterday was so stressful, after we both calmed down a bit after I got home Master and I were goofing around and making each other laugh. Master allowed me to push past my normal limits of being a good slave and allowed me to just fully relax and play fight back when He was ripping on me and I would rip on Him, and it went back and forth until we were laughing so hard we could barely breathe.

And from there I crashed pretty hard and Master tucked me into bed and kissed my shoulder a few times before telling me He loves me and told me to sleep well. A little admission... I love it when He kisses the back of my shoulder while I'm laying on my side. It's so sweet.

But after work today it was back to business as usual. He still allowed me to relax and goof around but I stayed in my place and was a good girl. Before I knew it Master was ordering me to the bedroom where He promptly pinned me down and did what He wanted with me.

As soon as we were done He told me to do my blog post. So here I am, still behaving myself.

Off My Chest

.. and onto my blog.

Master and I have been looking into getting a newer car. But the ones we can afford have way too many miles on them and we don't like the car. And the ones we do like? Yeah. Can't afford them.

We did have one small hope from a dealership we went to on Saturday. They had said they would work on our application and have an answer for us by Monday. Our credit sucks and we only have one income, so yeah. I get it. Yesterday arrives and no answer. I called and they said they were still working on it. I call today and leave a voice mail. No one calls me back. So I call again a few hours later and it turns out they want a bigger down payment than we can afford and the payments are still way out of our price range.

So as much as I would love a newer (notice how I'm not saying brand new.. just newer) car right now, I think it's going to have to go on the back burner. I was really upset about it though because the guy I was talking to was a real asshole and had this, "Well no wonder you can't afford this.." tone to his voice.

And then Master and I started butting heads over texting. It was more... intense than it has been since before I started my medication. So I was stressed, Master was stressed, and we freaked out on each other and doubled our fun there. Cause we're smart like that.

I ended up crying while I was at work. Part of it was because of what was going on between Master and myself. The other part was because I realized that if I can't even get a loan for a $13,000 car without a cosigner or astronomical payments how the fuck am I ever going to get approved for a condo or townhouse?

All because I fucked up my credit when I was younger and haven't had the means to fix it since. I also don't have money to file bankruptcy, not that I really want to do that anyway.

For the past 8 years I've worked my way up from minimum wage to where I am now. (I don't want to put the actual amount.. but I feel it is a rather decent amount per hour.) I've worked hard, I keep trying to claw my way up more and more and all I've been able to do is keep my head above water. And sometimes even that's difficult. It's frustrating. And it upsets me.

And I want a fucking break.

I am grateful for my great job, and I am grateful for a roof over my head, necessary bills that are paid, and food in my stomach. Don't get me wrong, I really am grateful for such. I know there are people who are a lot worse off. It's just that right now I'm feeling a little down and am getting stuff off my chest so I don't carry it around the rest of the evening.