Numb Turns to Anger

I have to get this out or I just might explode. Actually, that's partially a lie. I am so... numb right now. I think I'm still in shock. I don't know. I have never gone through this in my life. I think that's part of the reason. That and feeling blindsided. Back in November I had received a written warning that I honestly thought was bullshit. I still do actually. But since that written warning I have been busting my ass off even more and doing ever single thing they tell me to do. And the things they were telling me to do were things that had never been informed off before. I worked 10 hour days for three weeks straight, I asked my supervisor three times how he thought I could improve and each time it was the same answer. "Let me get back to you on that." Um, okay. Never mind in the written warning meeting you told me to come to you if I had questions about how I should improve. And then when I do I get brushed aside. So how the fuck does that work?

Of course Wednesday was my supervisor's last day with the company and so I was under the direction of a supervisor that has been there for almost 20 years. Then the very next day, yesterday, I was doing what I always do. I busted my ass. I clocked in early, I cut my lunch short, I focused all of my attention and energy into my job. I was rolling my eyes at other people in my department who were just as swamped as I was and yet they were standing around and talking and giggling with one another? What am I doing? Putting my nose to the grindstone as usual. I don't gossip, I don't chit chat, I don't go to the lunch room when it's not time for lunch break and stand in there for 25 minutes talking to other coworkers.

Then 4:30pm came around. I had 12 minutes before it was time for me to clock out. My phone rang. I didn't even look at it I just answered it and said the little professional speech we have to say when we answer our work phones. Then I heard the voice on the end and my gut dropped and my head spun. It was HR. She said in a very sing song kind of voice to please come to her office.

I was highly polite and said, "Yes ma'am. I'll be right there." The very short walk to HR's office seemed so long and the entire time I had to focus just on breathing otherwise I think I may have forgotten how to. The shades on her window were down. Fuck. The door was open but I still softly knocked. It wasn't just the HR lady. My new supervisor of a whopping one day was sitting there too. I took a seat after closing the door at their direction.

And it went a little something like this...

HR: "Do you remember the warning we gave you back in November?"

Me: "Yes ma'am I do."

HR: "We feel that you have not improved since then."

*I sat there attempting to not scream because I know damn well I have and in fact was praised by the supervisor that had just quit on Wednesday. I kept my mouth shut and just stared blankly at her. There was nothing I could say to sway the decision. Their minds where made up.*

HR: "It was a very difficult decision but we have decided to let you go."

*I was trying to wrap my head around what she just said.*

HR: "We just feel that you are not a good fit and sometimes that is unavoidable."

*I continued to attempt to wrap my head around this entire situation.*

HR then goes over the things I can do to file for unemployment stating that they will not fight me on it. She explained a few other things as well, such as using her as a reference because all she does is confirm the start and end dates of my employment. They do not go into detail as to why I was let go. So they won't bad mouth me. That's good to know. I asked a few clarifying questions. I was trying not to cry. I didn't want to cry in front of them. I succeeded.

What I found interesting is that the supervisor just stared at the floor. She wouldn't look at me, which I found extremely odd. It was like HR was coming up with any reason to get rid of me and chose that tactic.

HR opened her mouth again.

HR: "You are a very smart and professional young woman and I know that you'll find a new job very quickly."

Okay, so I'm smart and professional but you're going to let me go anyway? Got it. You are praising me as you are kicking me out. Insult to injury. She then asked me if I had any personal items at my desk. I said yes. She pointed to a corner in her office and stated that I could use one of the boxes there to pack up my things. How nice of her. I explained that my jacket was in one of the closets. She told me to go ahead and grab that and then to meet her at my desk. She told me not to talk to anyone and that if I had any friends at work I could call them the next day.

My brand new supervisor and the HR lady stood up. I knew the supervisor wasn't going to walk around to my desk, only HR would. So when she stood up I shook her hand. That may sound absolutely retarded but I wanted her to finally look at me. I wanted to also show that I could be the better person. You don't get to fire me and never look at me. That shit isn't happening. She seemed shocked and simply half smiled at me while saying that she wishes me well. She actually looked a bit upset which was weird.

I grab a box and I go to the closet. I stared at the floor. I didn't want to know how many people were staring at me. We all know what carrying an empty box meant. I then met the HR lady at my desk. And I could feel the eyes on me. The entire department. I felt them burning into me. I kept myself together. I continued not to cry.

HR asked for my desk key and the key fob for getting into the building. They were on a key that that was separate from all of my other keys. I took the key ring off and gave her the entire ring. I didn't see the point in taking them off of it. I informed her that some of my personal belongings were in the desk drawers and that I needed to open them. The last thing I needed was for her to think I was going to steal anything. She said that was fine. So I grabbed the few things I had in my desk drawers and then I grabbed the things I had on top of my desk that were my personal items. I turned around and she said that she wished me luck and knew that I would do well in whatever I find next.

I turned to my tiny little box and my purse and double checked that I had everything. I obviously wouldn't be able to come back in and I didn't want to leave anything behind. Once I was sure I had everything she shook my hand and walked me to the door. She said goodbye. I don't know why but the goodbye seemed like another slap in the face.

Once I got to the car I allowed a couple of tears to roll down my cheeks. It quickly put that to an end as the person that was in my carpool walked out. He wasn't going to see me cry either. He got in the car and put his bag on the back seat like he always does. He saw the box and asked me what that was all about. I told him I was just fired. He stared at me in utter disbelief. This might sound stupid but I was glad he had already paid me for the week as far as gas goes. I told him I would owe him $4 because I wasn't taking him to work tomorrow, meaning Friday. He told me to not worry about it. The ride home felt so long. A lot longer than usual when actually it was just a normal amount of time that went by. I was numb the whole time.

He asked me questions. He asked me if I had called my Husband. I was very honest, "No. If I did I know I would have started crying and I can't drive home safely if I'm crying."

He apologized over and over again and said that he didn't understand it either. He knows I'm a hard worker. I dropped him off and he told me that I could use him as a reference, which I thanked him for. The more references I have the better.

When I pulled into the parking lot at home I felt this sense of dread. I didn't want to walk into the apartment. I didn't want to tell Him what had just happened. Not because I was afraid of how He would react but because I just... I don't know. I just didn't want to.

I grabbed my purse and the stupid little box with my things in it and walked into the apartment. Master greeted me like He always does when I get home from work. He saw the box and had a confused look on His face. "What's all that?"

I just blurted it out. "I was fired today."

He was just as shocked as I was. I started crying and I allowed myself to. It was finally safe enough to do so. He held me tight. Once I was done crying He asked me to go through what had happened and I did. He told me that it wasn't my fault and that they were just cutting their bottom line like they have been doing for a good six months now.

I was only four weeks and three days from my five year anniversary with the company. That was part of why when HR told me I wasn't a good fit I felt like the room was spinning. I was a great employee for almost five years and I get this? Really? Master said that was probably the reason they got rid of me. There are a lot of extra benefits you get at your five year mark with that company.

The rest of the night is kind of a blur. I applied for unemployment online. I didn't want to waste time getting that done. I have never in my life applied for unemployment let alone received any unemployment benefits. After all, this is the first time I've ever been fired from a job.

But the rest of it? I just remember trying to decompress. To try and just let that numb feeling wash over me. I was up until 2:30am. It was about then that I drifted off to sleep on the couch. I slept on the couch for about a half hour and then Master woke me up to go to bed. When He climbed into bed with me He told pulled me to Him and told me He loves me.

I woke up before Him this morning and thought I should get this all out onto a blog post. And now that numb feeling has turned into anger as I play how that was all handled yesterday by them. I am pissed off about how I dedicated myself to them for damn near five years and then get that slap in the face bullshit excuse. If you are cutting down so you're still in the black at the end of the month just fucking tell me. Don't give me some bullshit that I know isn't true, especially after being praised for my improvement repeatedly since that meeting in November by my supervisor and then when I ask him how I can do even better I am given "Let me get back to you." as an answer.

They have been letting people go over the past six months. People that had been with them much longer than I was. And except for the two key people in the department I was in I had been there the longest. Every one else was two years and under.

I know everyone will be gossiping about me today and try and guess why I was fired. I don't care. Fuck them. Let them gossip and come to their own conclusions.