Like the title says, I'm glad that Friday is almost over.
It was payday though, so that's always a good thing. Now we get to pay rent and bills. Joy.
Master's day dragged at work and so did mine. It's always slow at my job on Fridays. Today was a bit worse because my supervisor and trainer both had the day off, so when I ran out of work, I didn't have anyone to send me more. I had to just wait for more orders to come through.
Master picked me up and we went home. While He took His shower I took care of the dog and then tidied up the apartment a bit. Why? Well because one of His work friends said he might want to come over tonight. So Master wanted me to pick up a bit.
Once Master was out of the shower and I had helped Him with His lotion we headed out and did our Friday routine of going out to eat. We had a good time just relaxing and catching up on one another's day.
When we got home Master had me stay dressed until we knew what was going on. So He played video games and I dicked around online.
Eventually, around 9pm or so His work buddy called and asked if he could come over. He asked for the address and Master told him to call once he got here so he could show him where to park.
So we're sitting around, and we're sitting around and no phone call. No door bell. No knock at the door.
It was already damn near 11pm and so I looked at Master and asked if I should call. He said sure, if I wanted to. So I did. Well this particular work buddy lives in the same apartment complex as another coworker, so that guy's girlfriend answers the phone. I ask for either one of the guys, she asks who is calling, so I tell her who I am. She explains that her boyfriend is asleep cause he has to work in the morning, and the work buddy who originally called is passed out on their couch.
Nice.
It actually kind of pissed me off. You call, you say you're gonna be on your way, you ask for the address, and even make a plan to call Master once you're close so He can meet you outside, and then you pass out on a couch. *shakes head*
I'm sure Master will talk to him at some point and he'll explain, but for the moment I'm annoyed.
I had taken apart my slave mat, cause it's in our living room and not something I want people walking on or asking about. So I put that back together and Master noticed I was annoyed. He told me it was okay, we'd just relax now.
So I'm trying to chill the hell out. Master put on a movie, but it's not one I really want to watch, so He allowed me to hop online and do my post.
I guess the real reason I was annoyed is because when we think people are coming over we have to do a lot of things we normally don't, unless it's B coming over.
For example, I have to take apart my slave mat. And the floor by itself is not comfy at all. So I sit on the furniture, which just feels weird unless it's the computer chair. Also we both put on clothes and stay in clothes. Master and I are basically nudists when we're home. I'm naked or in lingerie and He's naked unless He just doesn't feel like getting undressed just yet. So we did all this, plus put the dog away cause he gets so damn hyper around new people, and they don't show up and don't call. *grumbles*
May 1, 2009
April 30, 2009
What I Want
A Subtle Slavegirl asked me in a comment what I want Coyote to do as my Owner. She also asked if anything has changed, as far as what I want, over the years.
Well, for my daily post, I figured this was a damn good topic! So thank you. :-)
The easiest thing for me to do here, is to answer both questions at the same time, kind of. So hopefully ya'll can follow this and it'll make sense by the time I'm done. If I repeat myself, forgive me.
When Master and I first started this path, we were only in the bedroom. Basically it was all about kinky sex. This is not necessarily a bad thing, and it was great. But eventually we both felt that we needed something more. He found Himself giving me orders during every day situations and I found myself looking to Him to tell me what to do. So we did more research, again online, and read all sorts of things. You know, the online BDSM community is kind of like the Bible. It's full of contradictions.
But we did our best to follow it.
It didn't really take us that long to figure out that we don't think like everyone else, and that following it "by the book" wasn't really for us.
And so we began trying to find our own way. We sifted through all the bs and tried different things here and there to see what really did it for us.
Over the years He has gotten more strict and I have had periods of time where I have attempted to rebel against it, or just try to redefine it. Of course the most recent example being just a week or two ago. (It's sort of a blur.) Each time this has happened, I have broke and begged Him to take the reigns again, fully. Why do I break? Because it's what I want. The rebellion leaves me rather quickly and I go, "What the fuck was I thinking?" and come crawling back with my tail tucked between my legs.
Why any of that happens, the rebellion I mean, I'm not sure. I think maybe it becomes to natural and I freak out a bit. It all becomes so familiar that I start to think that hey.. maybe we need to do something different! Only whenever we do that, it never turns out well. I mean we aren't at each others throats or anything, but it feels... uncomfortable. It doesn't feel right at all. And that is why the rebellious stage fades so damn quickly and I always come back to kneel at His feet.
I honestly think this last bout was because so many changes were going on and His ambitions were differing from mine. I had gotten this new job, we were talking about moving, etc.. and I think that was my way of trying to regain some of that control back. Bad fucking move.
Why was it a bad move? Because I don't want the control, at all, when it comes to our relationship. When it's in my hands I look at it like it's a new life form and I have no idea what the fuck it is or what to do with it.
And I think the reason why it never hit me quite the way it did this time, is for a few different reasons. 1. It never went on this long. It was at most a day or two. This was almost a week. Or maybe it was a week. 2. He took the collar and cuff away and I now have to earn them back. And every time I look at myself in the mirror and I see a bare neck I cringe. And every time I touch my neck I shiver because I don't feel that shiny thing around my neck. Every time I look at my wrist, the cuff isn't there. Well you get the idea, I'm sure.
Also I am getting a little older now. When Master and I first started on this path I was 20. Now, I'm 26 and I don't want to be in that young adult rebellious stage anymore. I don't want to test Him, I don't want to push my boundaries. Yes, I did this very recently, but the kick in the tail that this has caused and the meditation I have done on it kind of feels like an intervention of sorts.
I was acting self destructive. I know it hurts me, emotionally and mentally, when I do this shit.. when I try to alter our course.. so why the hell do I do it? Why do I put the man I love through this shit? Ugh. Enough of the drama, ya know?
Oh we'll still have drama, I'm sure. *laughs* Just not that kind. As Master said to me at one point before I asked to change it all back.. "This is it. I'm done. This is the last time. It's getting a little to highschoolish for me." And He was right. It is.
I don't know if I'm just rambling or if I'm actually answering the questions.
Over the years, my wants have changed. I used to want to be able to run to the end of my chain and for Him just to go, "Silly pup," and reign me back in.
Now? I don't want any length of chain. I want to be shackled to Him and His word.
I want Coyote, as my Owner, to take full control.
I want to be told when I'm being good, not just when I'm being bad. And I want to be told I'm a good girl more than just after sex or during sex. Praise is important to me.
I want affection. I need that. I need it very much, because I'm a very affectionate person.
I want Him to form me to His will, even though I know that it won't be a complete overhaul because He loves my thoughts and ideas, and the fact that I think for myself.I love that actually. That He still wants me to be able to debate with Him and have long discussions about many different things. I love that He still wants to joke around with me and be goofy.
I want Him to be able to roll with the changes of life. And thankfully this is one thing He is very, very good at. He can alter things at the drop of a hat to fit whatever situation.
I want Him to love me. Thankfully, He does. Very much. I don't think I could serve Him the way that I do if He didn't love me.
I want Him to realize that sometimes I get stressed out, or I'm in a lot of pain, and take that into consideration. And He does. He won't necessarily alter anything all the time, but He does take it into consideration.
That's about it really. But thank you, because your questions stirred some other thoughts I didn't really want to put here, because well... I wasn't sure how to word them and also I wasn't sure how they would come across. But that doesn't matter, because that's what this blog is for. It's to work through things. :-)
Well, for my daily post, I figured this was a damn good topic! So thank you. :-)
The easiest thing for me to do here, is to answer both questions at the same time, kind of. So hopefully ya'll can follow this and it'll make sense by the time I'm done. If I repeat myself, forgive me.
When Master and I first started this path, we were only in the bedroom. Basically it was all about kinky sex. This is not necessarily a bad thing, and it was great. But eventually we both felt that we needed something more. He found Himself giving me orders during every day situations and I found myself looking to Him to tell me what to do. So we did more research, again online, and read all sorts of things. You know, the online BDSM community is kind of like the Bible. It's full of contradictions.
But we did our best to follow it.
It didn't really take us that long to figure out that we don't think like everyone else, and that following it "by the book" wasn't really for us.
And so we began trying to find our own way. We sifted through all the bs and tried different things here and there to see what really did it for us.
Over the years He has gotten more strict and I have had periods of time where I have attempted to rebel against it, or just try to redefine it. Of course the most recent example being just a week or two ago. (It's sort of a blur.) Each time this has happened, I have broke and begged Him to take the reigns again, fully. Why do I break? Because it's what I want. The rebellion leaves me rather quickly and I go, "What the fuck was I thinking?" and come crawling back with my tail tucked between my legs.
Why any of that happens, the rebellion I mean, I'm not sure. I think maybe it becomes to natural and I freak out a bit. It all becomes so familiar that I start to think that hey.. maybe we need to do something different! Only whenever we do that, it never turns out well. I mean we aren't at each others throats or anything, but it feels... uncomfortable. It doesn't feel right at all. And that is why the rebellious stage fades so damn quickly and I always come back to kneel at His feet.
I honestly think this last bout was because so many changes were going on and His ambitions were differing from mine. I had gotten this new job, we were talking about moving, etc.. and I think that was my way of trying to regain some of that control back. Bad fucking move.
Why was it a bad move? Because I don't want the control, at all, when it comes to our relationship. When it's in my hands I look at it like it's a new life form and I have no idea what the fuck it is or what to do with it.
And I think the reason why it never hit me quite the way it did this time, is for a few different reasons. 1. It never went on this long. It was at most a day or two. This was almost a week. Or maybe it was a week. 2. He took the collar and cuff away and I now have to earn them back. And every time I look at myself in the mirror and I see a bare neck I cringe. And every time I touch my neck I shiver because I don't feel that shiny thing around my neck. Every time I look at my wrist, the cuff isn't there. Well you get the idea, I'm sure.
Also I am getting a little older now. When Master and I first started on this path I was 20. Now, I'm 26 and I don't want to be in that young adult rebellious stage anymore. I don't want to test Him, I don't want to push my boundaries. Yes, I did this very recently, but the kick in the tail that this has caused and the meditation I have done on it kind of feels like an intervention of sorts.
I was acting self destructive. I know it hurts me, emotionally and mentally, when I do this shit.. when I try to alter our course.. so why the hell do I do it? Why do I put the man I love through this shit? Ugh. Enough of the drama, ya know?
Oh we'll still have drama, I'm sure. *laughs* Just not that kind. As Master said to me at one point before I asked to change it all back.. "This is it. I'm done. This is the last time. It's getting a little to highschoolish for me." And He was right. It is.
I don't know if I'm just rambling or if I'm actually answering the questions.
Over the years, my wants have changed. I used to want to be able to run to the end of my chain and for Him just to go, "Silly pup," and reign me back in.
Now? I don't want any length of chain. I want to be shackled to Him and His word.
I want Coyote, as my Owner, to take full control.
I want to be told when I'm being good, not just when I'm being bad. And I want to be told I'm a good girl more than just after sex or during sex. Praise is important to me.
I want affection. I need that. I need it very much, because I'm a very affectionate person.
I want Him to form me to His will, even though I know that it won't be a complete overhaul because He loves my thoughts and ideas, and the fact that I think for myself.I love that actually. That He still wants me to be able to debate with Him and have long discussions about many different things. I love that He still wants to joke around with me and be goofy.
I want Him to be able to roll with the changes of life. And thankfully this is one thing He is very, very good at. He can alter things at the drop of a hat to fit whatever situation.
I want Him to love me. Thankfully, He does. Very much. I don't think I could serve Him the way that I do if He didn't love me.
I want Him to realize that sometimes I get stressed out, or I'm in a lot of pain, and take that into consideration. And He does. He won't necessarily alter anything all the time, but He does take it into consideration.
That's about it really. But thank you, because your questions stirred some other thoughts I didn't really want to put here, because well... I wasn't sure how to word them and also I wasn't sure how they would come across. But that doesn't matter, because that's what this blog is for. It's to work through things. :-)
"I Am The Spider"
This song is off of Alice Cooper's latest album. The song is called "I Am The Spider". It includes the Epilouge as well, but I just wanted the song.
It is my favorite one off of the entire album, mainly because it feels like a bump and grind type song.
It is my favorite one off of the entire album, mainly because it feels like a bump and grind type song.
Vanimp Thinks I'm Sexy
Apparently Vanimp thinks I'm sexy. *smirks* She has given me the Sexy Blogger Award! Whoo-hoo!
"This award comes with some rules. You are to list 5 sexy things about yourself and pass it on to 4 other people."
She is getting me back for having to change her link to my blog twice in a short period of time. My bad. So whether she really thinks I'm sexy or not, I dunno. I think this is a revenge award. *giggles* Although she did call me cute!
So anyway.. here we go.
Five sexy things about me.
There. That was difficult damnit.
Okay, so who do I give this to. Only four people hm?
So there we go. Thank you Vanimp. :-D
"This award comes with some rules. You are to list 5 sexy things about yourself and pass it on to 4 other people."
She is getting me back for having to change her link to my blog twice in a short period of time. My bad. So whether she really thinks I'm sexy or not, I dunno. I think this is a revenge award. *giggles* Although she did call me cute!
So anyway.. here we go.
Five sexy things about me.
- My ass. I think I have a sexy ass. Especially when I'm on all fours.
- My tattoos. I think tattoos are sexy, there for I think mine are as well.
- My scar just above my left breast that Master gave me with a knife. I love that thing. I'm so glad it hasn't faded after all of these years. I do believe it was done within the first year or year and a half of our relationship.
- My eyes. I think I have very expressive eyes.
- Um... *thinks* Uh... my legs when I'm wearing high heels.
There. That was difficult damnit.
Okay, so who do I give this to. Only four people hm?
- Master Coyote - He is very sexy. It's one of the reasons why I married Him. :-D
- CarrieAnn - Come on. You've seen her You Tube product reviews.. you know.
- A Subtle Slavegirl - I have two words for you... Bitch Boots. *nods*
- Lexi - She dances on a pole.. come on now.
So there we go. Thank you Vanimp. :-D
April 29, 2009
Late Night
First I would like to thank Vanimp for giving me the sexy blogger award. :-D I will be doing that tomorrow, because well.. Master and I got home late and I need to crank out my daily post.
First I will get the day to day stuff done. :-)
Last night Master used me for His pleasure and talked dirty to me almost the entire time. I fucking love it when He does that! And we happily passed out curled up together.
This morning we got up and got ready for work. It was a long day for some reason. Probably because this Friday is pay day and don't we all love pay day? (Well except for the taxes part anyway..)
Master picked me up from work and we went home just long enough for Him to take a shower and for me to run one quick errand. From there we headed down to my dad's place. Master wanted to go visit, so we did. We had a mostly good time except for the fact that my father's girlfriend's son (say that three times fast) was throwing a hissy fit and throwing his bike parts all around the damn mud room because his girlfriend couldn't spend the night. Mature 20 year old huh?
Anywho.. We stayed later than we expected, as usual. So we got fast food on the way home and just now got done eating. It's currently 10:30pm and normally during the week we're in bed by 11pm. I have a feeling I'm going to be tired tomorrow, and so is Master.
We're getting along great. I'm doing my best to follow my rules and please Him. I'm glad that I came to my senses. Thank you for the encouraging words and for those of you who updated your links.. again.. :-D Sorry.
Now, on to something that I really don't understand. Drama alert.
You've been warned.
Over on Master's blog, of course He's been posting again. This particular post has gotten some comments that make me go, "Um.. wtf?"
We've been together for six years. In those six years we have had our ups and downs and our what the fuck just happened moments. Thankfully, it's been mainly ups. And then sometimes, one or both of us with throw a wrench into the mix and we both have to correct it.
One particular comment that I love is this: "She’s a submissive, for chrissake, and she will go to any possible length not to blame YOU. She cannot help feeling that if something is wrong, then she is the one to blame. That’s how most submissive are wired. and it’s YOUR job to understand when that’s true and when it’s not."
Love it. Oh, I fully admit I'm the one who sat down and went, "We should change this... again.." He agreed to it because He wants me to be happy, and also wanted to see where it would go. Now, it turned out, as it always does when we had tried to go a different route, that I was miserable that way. And so was He. So we talked again, and fixed it. And now we're back where we belong.
However, just because I am a slave or submissive, or whatever the fuck you want to call it.. does not mean I always think I am the one to blame. In this case, however, I am. Me. *raises hand*
He can be wrong, and yes He's thrown a wrench into the mix a time or two Himself. But it doesn't matter who the fuck is to blame. In a relationship, what you're supposed to do, or rather the healthy thing to do in my opinion, is to fix it together. Not spend time pointing the finger and going, "This is all your fault, you fucking fix it. Not me! Nope! I'm innocent!"
Now sometimes, I admit we may come across that way in our blog posts. I can be all whoa is me, and He can be hellfire and brimstone. But ya know what? It's what the blogs are here for, in part. They are here for us to vent, and to get shit out instead of letting it build and fester and then explode in our faces. Also, it helps kick off conversations sometimes.
However, thank you oh wise perfect stranger for giving me a psych eval that I didn't have to pay for. I appreciate it. May I have my certificate and pretty pills now please?
I understand that when you read a blog, sometimes you get so caught up in it that you feel you know that person, or those people, who are the authors. You think you have it all figured out. But you never really do. You catch a glimpse, you catch a mood, or a thought at that exact moment. It doesn't mean you know them. Sometimes friendships are formed this way. I know I've made a few.
But what goes on after the computer is shut down, and it's just that person, or that couple, alone.. together.. you will never know exactly what is going on. It's impossible to share everything. I'd be here for hours on end trying to catalog every little thing.
Don't get me wrong, I apprecaite most of the comments I get, and even some of the ones Master gets.. even if they don't mesh with what Master and I think or feel. Thank you for stating your opinion. However, when you come across as an online Dr. Ruth jackass, well that's an entirely different thing.
First I will get the day to day stuff done. :-)
Last night Master used me for His pleasure and talked dirty to me almost the entire time. I fucking love it when He does that! And we happily passed out curled up together.
This morning we got up and got ready for work. It was a long day for some reason. Probably because this Friday is pay day and don't we all love pay day? (Well except for the taxes part anyway..)
Master picked me up from work and we went home just long enough for Him to take a shower and for me to run one quick errand. From there we headed down to my dad's place. Master wanted to go visit, so we did. We had a mostly good time except for the fact that my father's girlfriend's son (say that three times fast) was throwing a hissy fit and throwing his bike parts all around the damn mud room because his girlfriend couldn't spend the night. Mature 20 year old huh?
Anywho.. We stayed later than we expected, as usual. So we got fast food on the way home and just now got done eating. It's currently 10:30pm and normally during the week we're in bed by 11pm. I have a feeling I'm going to be tired tomorrow, and so is Master.
We're getting along great. I'm doing my best to follow my rules and please Him. I'm glad that I came to my senses. Thank you for the encouraging words and for those of you who updated your links.. again.. :-D Sorry.
Now, on to something that I really don't understand. Drama alert.
You've been warned.
Over on Master's blog, of course He's been posting again. This particular post has gotten some comments that make me go, "Um.. wtf?"
We've been together for six years. In those six years we have had our ups and downs and our what the fuck just happened moments. Thankfully, it's been mainly ups. And then sometimes, one or both of us with throw a wrench into the mix and we both have to correct it.
One particular comment that I love is this: "She’s a submissive, for chrissake, and she will go to any possible length not to blame YOU. She cannot help feeling that if something is wrong, then she is the one to blame. That’s how most submissive are wired. and it’s YOUR job to understand when that’s true and when it’s not."
Love it. Oh, I fully admit I'm the one who sat down and went, "We should change this... again.." He agreed to it because He wants me to be happy, and also wanted to see where it would go. Now, it turned out, as it always does when we had tried to go a different route, that I was miserable that way. And so was He. So we talked again, and fixed it. And now we're back where we belong.
However, just because I am a slave or submissive, or whatever the fuck you want to call it.. does not mean I always think I am the one to blame. In this case, however, I am. Me. *raises hand*
He can be wrong, and yes He's thrown a wrench into the mix a time or two Himself. But it doesn't matter who the fuck is to blame. In a relationship, what you're supposed to do, or rather the healthy thing to do in my opinion, is to fix it together. Not spend time pointing the finger and going, "This is all your fault, you fucking fix it. Not me! Nope! I'm innocent!"
Now sometimes, I admit we may come across that way in our blog posts. I can be all whoa is me, and He can be hellfire and brimstone. But ya know what? It's what the blogs are here for, in part. They are here for us to vent, and to get shit out instead of letting it build and fester and then explode in our faces. Also, it helps kick off conversations sometimes.
However, thank you oh wise perfect stranger for giving me a psych eval that I didn't have to pay for. I appreciate it. May I have my certificate and pretty pills now please?
I understand that when you read a blog, sometimes you get so caught up in it that you feel you know that person, or those people, who are the authors. You think you have it all figured out. But you never really do. You catch a glimpse, you catch a mood, or a thought at that exact moment. It doesn't mean you know them. Sometimes friendships are formed this way. I know I've made a few.
But what goes on after the computer is shut down, and it's just that person, or that couple, alone.. together.. you will never know exactly what is going on. It's impossible to share everything. I'd be here for hours on end trying to catalog every little thing.
Don't get me wrong, I apprecaite most of the comments I get, and even some of the ones Master gets.. even if they don't mesh with what Master and I think or feel. Thank you for stating your opinion. However, when you come across as an online Dr. Ruth jackass, well that's an entirely different thing.
April 28, 2009
April 27, 2009
He Always Knows
Somehow, some way, He always knows.
He knew that when my restlessness kicked in that I would bring up the fact that I thought we should alter how we do things, as far as our dynamic. And He was right, I did. And yes, once we had that conversation, my restlessness left me.
And then, after that, and after He had talked about shutting down His blog, and I had changed the name and URL of mine, He knew that I would come back to this again.
I don't know what it is, but there have been times over the years, where I have wanted to alter what we do and how much say I have and how much control He has, and yet every single time we end up back here. Back with me kneeling at His feet saying, "Lead me Master."
The past few days (since April 21st to be exact) we have been fine. I mean we didn't fight, we didn't argue, we enjoyed one another, we fucked, etc. And yes, things seemed to feel smoother. But there was also this underlying feeling of.. wtf?!
I would pause when I would go to do things that I normally had to ask permission for. And He would pause when He wanted to give an order for me to do something.
And the few times I did "slip", and ask Him for permission He would say something like, "Why are you asking me?" or "I don't care."
And when He would say such things it would feel like a cut, and it would burn. And I couldn't understand why. Why would it burn if this is what I wanted? To not have to seek permission.. Interesting.
And then even though I didn't have to I would beg, or clean Him off during sex. I would kneel at His feet. Not simply out of habit, although I'm sure that's part of it, but also because I felt like I needed to. There was something driving me to do so.
And also, why the hell was I still wearing my cuff and collar? I wasn't a slave anymore.. wtf. Yes, they have sentimental value, but each time I thought about taking them off my stomach would do a flip.Weird.
So last night it all came to a head. He said how He felt more like an Alpha as we were before. He then said that if I had just done as I was told, we wouldn't be in the situation we are in now. The situation, of course meaning that I was looking to Him to lead, to order, and He wasn't doing it and I was sitting there stupified.
So I cried. The words stung because He was right. Yes, He can be slack with the leash, and I tend to run with it when He does. We're both at fault in that case. But when He wasn't being slack, I would still try to run until I was yanked back. I wasn't listening. I wasn't following my Alpha.
So He told me that the ball was in my court now. I had to decide what the hell we were doing.
So I went into the bedroom by myself, and cried a bit more and hugged my stuffed animal. Eventually I came back out into the living room and we talked a bit more, although it had nothing to do with anything.
So He said it was time to go to bed. And I followed Him into the bedroom. I laid down next to Him and we talked some more, this time about what I wanted. He had already told me He was happier with me being the slave, and Him being the Master. I knew what made Him happy.
And so I told Him I wanted things to go back to the way they were, and I cried some more, and apologized for always fucking things up. He held me and let me calm down a little bit before telling me what He had to say.
He told me that if this is what I want. If I want to be His slave, that we need to stop always coming to this place where we try and change things. Why? Because we always end up going, "We need to go back."
We were here not that long ago. It was almost a year ago I think. It was before my punishment ticker had gone up. So it was over 8 months ago. And last time He told me that the collar would come off if we got to this place again.
And so He told me that if I wanted to prove to Him that this is what I want, and that I'm not going to "take it back" again in a year, that the collar and the cuff had to come off. And that once I had shown Him that I am serious, and that I can listen, He'll give them back. But not before then. He told me it could be a week, it could be a month, 6 months, or even a year.. but I had to earn them.
And so I agreed.
He is my Master. I am His slave. Why I ever try to deny or change that I'll never know. The collar and cuff are sitting on our dresser. I cried a lot when He took it off. And He held me more and told me it was not a punishment, that He was not angry with me, that He loves me.
And so today, when I got up to get ready for work, I knelt at His feet and He told me to go get ready. I started getting ready, and just as I was about to get dressed He was walking past me in the living room and I stopped and gave Him a big hug. And He grabbed my hair and forced my head back and kissed me roughly, and I melted.
And when I got home from work (B took me home so Master could run errands immediatley after work) I got undressed, knelt at His feet and He grabbed my throat. He commented on it. He said, "So this is what a bare neck feels like." I'll admit I felt tears welling up in my eyes, and I looked down. He smiled at me as He forced my face back up and said, "It's not a bad thing."
And He's right. It's not. I'm still His slave whether the collar and cuff is on or not, but I'm huge on symbols.. and those mean a lot to me. They are literally a half step behind my wedding ring.
But all day I have felt naked, and basically vulenrable. And not in a good way. But this is what He wants, and I can't say that I can blame Him. I've brought us here before, and again I'm begging to be let back in as His slave and to for Him to please take full control again. He wants the games to end. And so do I.
As a side note, you may have noticed that I have changed my URL and my blog title back to what they were. To those of you who had already updated your links, I'm sorry for the inconvienance here. But this blog title, and blog URL are here to stay.
He knew that when my restlessness kicked in that I would bring up the fact that I thought we should alter how we do things, as far as our dynamic. And He was right, I did. And yes, once we had that conversation, my restlessness left me.
And then, after that, and after He had talked about shutting down His blog, and I had changed the name and URL of mine, He knew that I would come back to this again.
I don't know what it is, but there have been times over the years, where I have wanted to alter what we do and how much say I have and how much control He has, and yet every single time we end up back here. Back with me kneeling at His feet saying, "Lead me Master."
The past few days (since April 21st to be exact) we have been fine. I mean we didn't fight, we didn't argue, we enjoyed one another, we fucked, etc. And yes, things seemed to feel smoother. But there was also this underlying feeling of.. wtf?!
I would pause when I would go to do things that I normally had to ask permission for. And He would pause when He wanted to give an order for me to do something.
And the few times I did "slip", and ask Him for permission He would say something like, "Why are you asking me?" or "I don't care."
And when He would say such things it would feel like a cut, and it would burn. And I couldn't understand why. Why would it burn if this is what I wanted? To not have to seek permission.. Interesting.
And then even though I didn't have to I would beg, or clean Him off during sex. I would kneel at His feet. Not simply out of habit, although I'm sure that's part of it, but also because I felt like I needed to. There was something driving me to do so.
And also, why the hell was I still wearing my cuff and collar? I wasn't a slave anymore.. wtf. Yes, they have sentimental value, but each time I thought about taking them off my stomach would do a flip.Weird.
So last night it all came to a head. He said how He felt more like an Alpha as we were before. He then said that if I had just done as I was told, we wouldn't be in the situation we are in now. The situation, of course meaning that I was looking to Him to lead, to order, and He wasn't doing it and I was sitting there stupified.
So I cried. The words stung because He was right. Yes, He can be slack with the leash, and I tend to run with it when He does. We're both at fault in that case. But when He wasn't being slack, I would still try to run until I was yanked back. I wasn't listening. I wasn't following my Alpha.
So He told me that the ball was in my court now. I had to decide what the hell we were doing.
So I went into the bedroom by myself, and cried a bit more and hugged my stuffed animal. Eventually I came back out into the living room and we talked a bit more, although it had nothing to do with anything.
So He said it was time to go to bed. And I followed Him into the bedroom. I laid down next to Him and we talked some more, this time about what I wanted. He had already told me He was happier with me being the slave, and Him being the Master. I knew what made Him happy.
And so I told Him I wanted things to go back to the way they were, and I cried some more, and apologized for always fucking things up. He held me and let me calm down a little bit before telling me what He had to say.
He told me that if this is what I want. If I want to be His slave, that we need to stop always coming to this place where we try and change things. Why? Because we always end up going, "We need to go back."
We were here not that long ago. It was almost a year ago I think. It was before my punishment ticker had gone up. So it was over 8 months ago. And last time He told me that the collar would come off if we got to this place again.
And so He told me that if I wanted to prove to Him that this is what I want, and that I'm not going to "take it back" again in a year, that the collar and the cuff had to come off. And that once I had shown Him that I am serious, and that I can listen, He'll give them back. But not before then. He told me it could be a week, it could be a month, 6 months, or even a year.. but I had to earn them.
And so I agreed.
He is my Master. I am His slave. Why I ever try to deny or change that I'll never know. The collar and cuff are sitting on our dresser. I cried a lot when He took it off. And He held me more and told me it was not a punishment, that He was not angry with me, that He loves me.
And so today, when I got up to get ready for work, I knelt at His feet and He told me to go get ready. I started getting ready, and just as I was about to get dressed He was walking past me in the living room and I stopped and gave Him a big hug. And He grabbed my hair and forced my head back and kissed me roughly, and I melted.
And when I got home from work (B took me home so Master could run errands immediatley after work) I got undressed, knelt at His feet and He grabbed my throat. He commented on it. He said, "So this is what a bare neck feels like." I'll admit I felt tears welling up in my eyes, and I looked down. He smiled at me as He forced my face back up and said, "It's not a bad thing."
And He's right. It's not. I'm still His slave whether the collar and cuff is on or not, but I'm huge on symbols.. and those mean a lot to me. They are literally a half step behind my wedding ring.
But all day I have felt naked, and basically vulenrable. And not in a good way. But this is what He wants, and I can't say that I can blame Him. I've brought us here before, and again I'm begging to be let back in as His slave and to for Him to please take full control again. He wants the games to end. And so do I.
As a side note, you may have noticed that I have changed my URL and my blog title back to what they were. To those of you who had already updated your links, I'm sorry for the inconvienance here. But this blog title, and blog URL are here to stay.