Squeeze

Last night Master and I were sitting on the bed. I had my head lowered and was nuzzling His neck on and off. I would stop and lightly kiss Him on the mouth before nuzzling Him again. Eventually He grabbed my throat and forced me to lay on my back. He then very aggressively started molesting my tits with His mouth. Normally He is rough when He does that but this time His teeth were used almost constantly, including when He would take my entire breast into my mouth. I don't mean to say that to make it sound like my tits are small. I'm a mid b-cup... but He has a big mouth. *laughs* He wouldn't remove His hand from my throat the entire time. He wasn't applying much pressure but He made sure that no matter what He did His hand was on my throat and both of my arms were pinned down by His body.

When He was done He sat up, while still gripping my throat, and forced my legs apart before slapping my pussy lips lightly. As He maneuvered Himself in between my legs He applied more pressure with His hand. As He forcibly entered me He squeezed my throat even more.

I felt myself getting light headed. He would ease up on the pressure on my throat long enough for me to gasp a few deep breaths and then He would apply more pressure than He did before. He is always very, very careful when He's choking me. He makes sure to balance Himself in such a way that there is never a risk of Him slipping and accidentally applying His full body weight to my throat. Although He does love getting me as close as possible to passing out before allowing me to breathe. And I have to admit that I love it too. I know that I can tap His arm at any time which is basically a "safety" thing where if I feel uncomfortable or unsafe He will completely let go. That has actually never happened.

After He was done He laid on top of me and alternated in positions He wanted me twisted into. While He had both of my legs on His shoulders He leaned forward, effectively bending me in half.  I reached down and started massaging His balls. He had already allowed me to cum several times but as He got closer to His orgasm He ordered me to cum once again. As soon as mine peaked His started.

We were both very tired afterward. It didn't take long before we started getting settled in to go to sleep.

Figure Out Something

Master and I have been kind of up and down lately. Well, not us as in a couple. But us as individuals. We're either just kind of there, a little down, or irritable. Yes, it is broken up by pockets where we are joking around and laughing with one another. But it is obviously getting to both of us. As a result Master told me today that we have to figure out something to do with just the two of us. Just leave the house and not come back for a little while. We have ran a couple of errands recently but it was only for about a half hour, tops. And that is including drive time.

It is like cabin fever is already setting in and it's only the middle of December. I honestly think that everything going on in our families is not helping. Both my side and His. Granted it's only one or two select people on each side, but it's enough to fuck with our zen.

What we're going to do I have no idea. We'll figure something out. But with our not having a lot of money it limits our options. *shrugs*

I feel kind of cuddly today. Cuddly and affectionate. Honestly that isn't unlike me. But it is kicked up a notch today. Not necessarily all day. It pretty much got kicked up to this level about two hours ago. But I'm also sore, so yeah.

Anyway....

There hasn't been a lot going on. In general. There isn't a lot going on here at home. There isn't a lot going on with anyone. And there isn't a lot going on in our dynamic. Not due to any reason in particular. Right now it's just the normal stuff. Nothing really of note. I'm not complaining, I'm just explaining why I haven't really written about it.

Not Sick.... But....

I haven't been doing all that great today. It's nothing in particular. I'm not sick. But earlier today my blood sugar crashed rather suddenly. That may have something to do with how I'm feeling now.

Master and I were out and about when all of a sudden my hand started to shake a little bit when I was holding something. Okay, I know that is a sign that I need to eat in order to get my blood sugar back up. No big deal. But within the matter of 15 minutes the shaking got worse. We weren't that far from home though, thankfully. So after we got into the door I had a cookie and then some chips.

I felt okay after that. But about a hour ago I started to feel worn the fuck out. Not only tired but exhausted for absolutely no reason. And everything just hurts. My joints and muscles don't like me right now.

As a result I pretty much immediately went and took my bath so I could get that out of the way. It's a lot earlier than I normally would take one. And after my bath I put on my most comfortable hoodie and a pair of sweat/yoga pants. I don't know really what to call them. It's not one or the other really... *shrugs* All I know is that they are comfortable.

Master told me to rest. So I figured I should get my post done for today too. I'm just kind of having a hard time actually concentrating enough to write out this post. I'm not completely out of it. I can pay attention to things and follow it... But writing? Not so much.

I'm also waiting to hear about my brother. He went to a walk-in clinic because he felt a pop in his chest and since then has been having a difficult breathing. He has quite a few health problems. He has asthma, seizures, and heart issues.

So they are running tests and took an x-ray and have given him a breathing treatment. That's all I know for sure right now. I'm not really getting myself worked up about it though. Not that I'm not worried about him... it's just that there is no need to get worked up until I know exactly what is going on so I am trying to push that to the back of my head for now.

I will say that Master has been babying me today because I don't feel well. He pretty much ordered me to get comfortable and relax as soon as my bath was done. Yes Sir! *smirks*

Under My Skin

I would like to go back to being a teenager please. Okay, only in certain things. I don't want to have to worry about money anymore and I want to not have to worry about the shit storm that is currently going on with my family. Everything is guessing and speculation.

"How much longer do you think Grandpa is going to be able to keep going on?" - I have no idea. Hopefully not much longer.

"Do you think your dad is going to keep his promise and actually have his body at the wake?" - He damn well better.

"Do you think your dad is going to keep his promise about putting a plaque next to Grandma's?" - Again, he damn well better.

"Do you think your dad is going to keep his promise about giving everyone the money they agreed to since he 'can't find the will'?" - Once more, he damn well better.

"How ugly do you think it's going to get if he doesn't?" - Pretty fucking ugly.

"How are you going to react to your dad if he doesn't?" - I'm not sure and I'm not looking forward to finding out.

"Do you think your dad's 'girlfriend' is going to say anything?" - If she does she is going to be lucky if all I do is verbally assault her.

You get the idea. And, as you may have noticed, it all revolves around my father. And it's not just one person asking me these things. It's my mom, it's my brother, and it's my mother's husband. Sometimes it's Master too but that's mainly when I start talking about it and we both start bouncing things off of one another.

I understand that my brother looks to me for these things because I'm his big sister and if he talks to mom about it he doesn't feel like he really got an answer because my mom is trying to walk that fine line of "he's still your dad" and "your dad is a complete bastard right now". I think it's a bit harder on her because it is her ex-husband and we are both of their children. So while my mom is constantly trying to do right by us my father is pretty much like, "Hey you wanna come hang out?"

And he's not even doing that anymore! I have to be the one to contact him. Yesterday Master and I went over there and it was just.... weird. My dad seemed kind of distant. He wasn't really all that talkative. After the first half hour of our being there that bitch that is now living with him actually fell asleep in her chair. That is just fucking rude. If you are tired and you have company over you excuse yourself and go lay down. You don't just crash out in your chair. Dumb whore.

And it was shortly after that where my dad pretty much became quiet. We had been joking a bit back and forth until then. Master and I stayed a while longer and tried engaging him in conversation the whole time but we'd get a few words out of him and that would be it. So we left.

And I know it's not anyone's fault that these questions are floating around. They are on everyone's mind. But today all the speculation was just getting under my skin. And so I remained calm and just nodded and smiled and gave the same answer I've been giving. There's not much else I can do.

Normally it doesn't bother me this much. But today they all seemed to wiggle under my skin and irritate me. Especially since it was first my brother and then my mom. Like I said, I'm not mad at anyone. It's just how it is today.

Move Along

I've been pretty bummed lately. Not depressed. Not even close to being depressed. But just down and bummed. I try to joke around as much as possible because I feel better when I do. But then things settle down and I go back to being bummed. I don't know how else to describe it except for bummed. I also feel spread out and scattered.

It's nothing that anyone is doing. It's nothing that I'm doing. It's all circumstantial. The weather also isn't helping. Due to the weather I either wake up with my sinuses killing me or a pounding headache. If I'm lucky it's both. Today was just the headache.

The whole situation with my Grandpa is really getting to me. I just want it all to be done. I want him to be at peace and for us to be able to grieve and figure out all the other shit that will occur after the fact. Which, quite honestly, sounds like it is going to be ugly.

Not working is not helping either. Income would be nice. I'm making all the paracord items and yes I have sold some, which is nice, but I want something reliable. And it's not like I'm getting rich off the paracord. Trust me, I'm not. But I enjoy doing it and I have made a little money. It's better than nothing.

I know the whole bummed and scattered feeling is showing on my face. Several people have told me that I look tired and pale. Well, I'm naturally pale so when someone tells me I look pale, that's pretty bad.

I'm not sick. Aside from the headaches and sinus pressure in the morning I feel fine. *shrugs*

Tomorrow Master and I are going to go see my dad for a little while. I'm not totally looking forward to it but it gets me out of the house. We'll also be stopping at the craft store I go to because I asked Master today if it would be okay to make our dog a collar out of the paracord. I made one for a customer and I like the look of it. Master said it would be fine so we'll be picking up the things I need there before we go to my dad's. Then later on tomorrow night or maybe Sunday I'll make the dog collar. I hope it turns out nicely. If it doesn't I'll have to take it all apart and start over.

Master has been trying to keep me laughing. It's not like my life is all woe is me. It's not. But right now I can't shake that bummed and scattered feeling.

Why Won't It End?

My grandfather is breathing. I don't know why. I don't know how. I don't understand it at all. That poor man has been through more hell these past months than I can imagine. He went from having bad and good days to having more bad days than good. For a very long time after that it was bad and good moments to more bad moments than good. But for the past two to three months it has been so much worse. The hallucinations are back in full force. Sometimes the only person he remembers is his deceased wife. At times he says he never had kids and therefore doesn't have any grandchildren. He can't walk anymore at all, assisted or not. He can't even maneuver his wheelchair around anymore except for a little bit around his room and that wears him out quickly. The nurses and doctors are stating that they may have to leave him in bed more and more because of his inability to sit up under his own will at times. Also, he has the habit of blocking the door to his room with the wheelchair while he sits in it so no one can get in.

Not that long ago he had fallen and cracked his head open. He has a nice scar on the back of his head now. Honestly I'm surprised that alone didn't kill him. He hardly eats at all and his body is eating away at itself. It has been for some time now.

Not to be disgusting but he is going through at least eight sets of clothing each day. He loses control of his bodily functions in a rather violent way and even though he is diapers it is not.... containing it.

The doctors have said time and time again that he wouldn't be alive still. In May he wasn't supposed to last through July. In July he wasn't supposed to last to his birthday, in September. In September he wasn't supposed to make it to Halloween. And yet here we are in December and he's still here. And now the doctors are using the phrase, "All we can do now is make him comfortable."

They have put leggings on him to help with the water retention which has been pretty damn bad this past week. They have him on some pretty strong pain killers as of yesterday.

Where are the angels of mercy when you need them? That may offend some people but in this case I truly think it would be a mercy. I would want that for me if that is how I had been living, or existing anyway, for this long with absolutely no hope of getting any better and 100% likelihood of it getting worse.

Blah

Today has been one of those I'm tired for no reason type of days. I ran a few errands today but it wasn't really a lot. It was two stores. Each store took longer than it really should have but still. I think it's mainly the weather. It wasn't that bad out two days ago. Yesterday was gray and rainy. Today is just.. cold. It wouldn't be so bad if the wind wasn't blowing but it is. Oh well.

I feel like I want to sleep. All. Day. Long. I have no reason to be tired and it annoys me. I know that I got some sleep last night. It was broken up but it was still sleep.

I also feel sluggish. *sigh*

I wish someone would get back to me about a damn job. I am going guano. When I was working I would have loved a full two weeks off of work just to collect myself and relax for more than a day and a half each week.

But now? Now I've been unemployed since late February. It sucks. It sucks a lot. It's like I've said before though.. I don't really miss work I miss the paycheck. While working would alleviate some of my boredom I don't really miss it.

I guess I'm just kind of down today. I wouldn't call it depressed. Just blah. I've been trying to keep myself in a good mood. It works for the most part. I'm smiling and laughing and joking around. I'm not faking it or anything. I am just seeking it out a bit more today. But now? Now I'm just blah. I'm just kind of here.

The weird thing is that I wouldn't even really say I'm bored. I mean the only things that are going on is that I'm doing my blog post and Master is playing a video game right now. But stating that I'm bored would imply that I want to do something else. However, I can't think of anything to do nor do I really want to do anything.

Nothing is wrong. Just feel tired and worn out. Yippee.